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by Keith Carey, photos by Troy Conrad

Most weeks at Roast Battle, everything’s all for fun. Nobody
takes shit personally, and it all blows over pretty quickly. This week is not
most weeks. From judges to battlers to Moses himself, everybody is getting
dragged into some crazy shit unlike anything I’ve ever seen in the Belly Room.
Let’s take a look. 

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Ramon Hernandez is up first, facing
off against Alfred Konuwa. Moses immediately fucks up Ramon’s name, which is a
Roast Battle tradition at this point. Alfred takes the stage to the dulcet
tones of the “Reading Rainbow” theme song, leaning into his inner Carlton. The
bell rings and the jokes start flying. 

“I met Ramon’s parents once. But only because I forgot to
hang the “Do Not Disturb” sign.”

“Alfred is an atheist. He’d believe in Heaven, but he’s not
allowed in gated communities.”

“Ramon likes to call me an Uncle Tom, but you look like the
reason his cabin had a roof.”

“Alfred always wanted to live in the White House, but for
now he’ll settle for repainting Uncle Tom’s cabin.”

“Is this Roast Battle as a second language? C’mon, man!
Ramon has four kids, only two of them are his. Your life is like the Brady
Bunch but if every character was a maid.”

“Alfred looks like if GQ sold mail-order slaves.” 

A lot of potential up top unfortunately gives way to a
battle that is just okay. Ramon’s first joke gets the room popping, but he
makes a critical error in committing to an Uncle Tom joke right on the heels of
Alfred’s use of the same reference. Alfred’s jokes are a little lackluster, but
he’s got a great energy on-stage, and his performance is enough to secure him
the win. As the battle winds down, Moshe Kasher sums up Alfred perfectly:

“You’ve got the vibe of a black guy pretending to be a white
guy pretending to be a black guy.”

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Next up are Roast Battle virgins Emily Fleming and Matt
McClowry!

These two take the stage and have a very fun bit of banter
about their time as roommates. The crowd is starting to settle into the rhythm
of the show as the battle begins.

“Emily’s original from Nashville, Tennessee, and her pussy
is like Nashville hot chicken, because it gives you a burning sensation and
everyone in Tennessee has had it in their mouth.”

“Matt has Aspergers. It’s funny, because that’s the word I
use to describe the smell of his room.”

“Emily is a paranoid Southerner who hates other women. She
shouldn’t be bombing on stage, she should be bombing Planned Parenthood.”

“Matt has a new relationship with a lovely woman, they moved
here together. Patty, if you’re here, blink twice to signal ‘HELP!’”

“Emily used to bring strange guys to our house to smoke pot.
If I wanted to see a whore get stoned, I’d have moved to Iran.”

“Matt loves superheroes. He loves Batman, big fan. He’s got
a lot in common with him. He…uh…it’s…well, actually, it’s just the dead dad
thing.”

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Both battlers have highs and lows, but overall this is a fun
fight. Matt’s jokes are crisp and mean, while Emily brings a unique loose,
freewheeling delivery reminiscent of Battle legend Sarah Tiana. However, Guy
Branum has some harsh words about her writing. 

“Emily, nobody roots for mediocre white women more than this
guy. But about your first two jokes; you cannot do jokes on stage that have
already been dialogue on ‘The Big Bang Theory.’”

The crowd vote is close, but a slight edge in performance
and a chant of “SPECIAL NEEDS” put Matt over the edge and into the winner’s
circle.

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The night’s third match is a real doozy, as fan favorite Joe
Eurell gets rowdy with Jacob Trimmer.

“Man, Mitzi’s really doing terrible.” – Michael Kosta, as Joe
is lowered into his wheelchair

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Joe is always a delight in the Belly Room. Cerebral palsy
hasn’t stopped him from being one of the most prolific undercard fighters on
the circuit. However, Jacob Trimmer is coming in hot, fresh off a first-time
victory and already swinging up the ranks. These guys are both Orange County
comics, and that tight-knit community of monsters has always cranked out strong
battlers. When asked why he wants to fight Joe, Jacob’s response is as follows:

“I look like the hate crime that put him in that chair.”

Joe’s response is just as solid: 

“Because his rabbi asked me to.”

The crowd eats it up. The energy is brewing as the starting
bell rings.

“Joe is the heart of Roast Battle. Because no other part of
him works.”

“At least the government pays me to be crippled. Jacob’s
unemployed and only looks retarded.”

“Joe moves like a marionette controlled by Michael J. Fox.”

“Wasn’t Puppet the nickname your cellmate gave you? Jacob’s
jail time was just like it would have been in the concentration camps. A Jewish
body was used to keep the Aryan people warm.”

“True, my ancestors did spend too much time in ovens. But
Joe didn’t spend enough time in his mom’s oven.”

“Jacob asked his Jewish grandparents to pay for college, because
he thought he’d get a discount with their barcode tattoos.”

It’s neck and whatever is going on with Joe’s neck for the
first two jokes. But Jacob’s oven joke blows the roof off the building, and Joe
is unable to recover his footing…er, sitting.

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“You’re going to hell, and Joe’s going to heaven.
Soon.” – Moshe Kasher

“I think Jacob took the round. He showed the real advantage
of an un-palsied brain.” – Guy Branum

“Joe, it’s gonna be a long walk home.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“Your delivery is slower than my speech.” – Joe Eurell, not
taking any of the Golden Pony’s shit

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The crowd votes, and Jacob walks away with the win, while
Joe rolls away with the knowledge that he always puts on a hell of a show. 

“I think Joe would have won if they’d put new batteries in
him.” – Earl Skakel 

The halfway point of the night’s fight card brings us a
showdown between Robbie Goodwin and Nick Petrillo. Robbie takes the stage
first, all goofy grin and spastic energy.

“Oh great, another special needs guy.” – Moshe Kasher

He’s quickly joined by Nick Petrillo, dressed like the worst
employee at a cell phone kiosk at the mall. Without much ado, Coach Tea hits
the bell.

“Nick is a felon, a drug addict, and worst of all, Italian.”

“Robbie, you look like you named all your blow-up dolls after
Disney princesses.”

“I did. They’re great. Why not? Nick, you look like Baba Booey
with Down’s Syndrome.”

“I fucked his sister, that’s true. Robbie’s a creepy improv
guy, meaning that before every date he lets the girl call out the location of
the rape.”

“Nick looks like a Soprano’s character. Particularly the
horse they killed in season 4.”

“Robbie’s not even a person. His Afghani mom had her clit
removed and it just turned into him.”

“Straight from the horse-ish mouth, everybody.”

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Robbie performs impressively. His jokes are strong, earning
praise particularly for the Italian joke at the top of the round. He dominates
the room with low-key energy and tags on Nick’s jokes. The victory is easily
handed to Robbie. What follows is a controversial moment, as Nick Petrillo
leaves the room and refuses to hug Robbie. It’s a weird vibe as he descends the
stairs. It’s natural to be a little sore after losing a fight, but the hug is
part of the tradition of the show, and it’s ill-advised to skip it as it can come
off petty. 

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Moving on, Nicole Becannon makes her return to face offagainst Bryan Vokey.

Nicole takes the stage first, trying to pull up from the
strange energy shift after Nick’s departure.

“Nicole, would you let the Wave smash?” – Moses

“You’ve asked me this more times than Haiti can actually
count.” – Nicole 

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Vokey is up next, rocking a Canadian tuxedo with some
serious boat-dad swag.

“Are you here to Roast Battle or just let us know you’re on
the registered sex offender list?” – Michael Kosta

“Are you registered?” – Moses

“No, I’m on the down-low.” – Vokey

A long riff session with the judges and Earl gets the crowd
hot again, and we’re back into the thick of the fight.

“Nicole survived a suicide attempt, but unfortunately her
face didn’t make it.”

“It’s true. My suicide attempt was about as successful as
your mom’s fight against cancer.”

“That joke was as lazy as your left eye. Nicole, your voice
is awful. Just because you look like a pig doesn’t mean you have to squeal like
one.”

“Bryan’s such ugly white trash he uses food stamps to pay
for the pussy he eats.”

“Nicole dated a junkie because she’s in a race with her gay
brother to see who gets AIDS first.”

“Bryan, it’ll take you longer to get passed at the Comedy
Store than it will to get past the death of your mother.”

Vokey’s in top form tonight, shrugging off daggers from
Nicole and not showing any hesitation in going hard on her. Nicole has a couple
of good jokes, but her choice to double up on dead mom jokes doesn’t pay off,
and in general she seems a little bit off tonight. The crowd picks Bryan and
the night trucks on.

Our final undercard sees Jesus Trejo and Nate Craig facing
off!

Nate and Jesus are both incredibly talented comedians, and
both are set to be part of Road To Roast Battle in a matter of weeks, so this
match is more of a tune-up than anything else. Many of the newer comics on the
Roast Battle scene are excited to see Jesus battle, as he’s a legend from the
show’s early days but has been in retirement since defeating Tony Hinchcliffe.
Nate takes the first joke as the fight begins.

“Jesus is 30 and he just moved out of his mother’s house.
She’s pissed because now she has to take two busses to do his laundry.”

“Nate broke up with the love of his life and moved to Los Angeles
just to prove to her that he can’t make it anywhere.”

“Both Jesus’ parents are Mexican but he’s still voting for
Donald Trump because he needs a wall big enough to fit all his Scarface
posters.”

“The difference between Nate’s dad and my hairline is that
my hairline was still part of my life at 9 years old.”

“To stay sharp for this battle, Jesus hasn’t had sex since
2008.”

“Nate Craig got two first names. Uh…hold on…Nate Craig got
two first names. He was named after the two guys who could’ve been his father.”

“Jesus is a Mexican only child. That qualified him for a
diversity scholarship at Cal State Dominguez. So he got a business degree,
which qualified him for 20% off at Easy Rims For Rent.”

“Nate is very health conscious, which is ironic because all
I ever see him do is eat shit.” 

Jesus has a real hard time, reading off his phone and
slurring his jokes. Hopefully this performance will shake the cobwebs loose and
he’ll be in top form on 11/16 when the cameras roll. However, while this battle
is lackluster, the impromptu battle that follows between Nate Craig and Moshe
Kasher is a fuck-ton of fun.

“Moshe, my favorite part of that battle was when your mic
stopped working.”

“Has your mic not been working for the last 15 years you’ve
been in comedy?”

“I wish your parents could hear so they could’ve told you
that you weren’t funny a long time ago.”

“They’re deaf. One is dead. I bet your mom wishes she was
when she looks at your career.”

“Moshe, thanks for bringing your more talented half.”

“Speaking of more talented, are you talking about everybody
else you started with in Chicago?”

“I can never tell if it’s Moshe Kasher or Tilda Swinton
playing a goth schoolteacher.” 

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Our main event brings us three rounds of brutality at the
hands of Lindsey Jennings and Jeanne Whitney! 

Lindsey Jennings takes the stage first, heralded by the Wave
running a train on her signature body pillow. It’s both incredibly sexy and
full-on disgusting, which is pretty much par for the course for Lindsey and the
Roast Battle in general. Jeanne Whitney comes up next, credited as “a
feminist”, which goes about how you’d expect.

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“You’re a feminist. That’s cool, because you’re both fuckin’
super-hot.” – Moshe Kasher

“Moses, does the winner of this battle become the president
of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee?” -Tony Hinchcliffe

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Round one begins, with Lindsey taking the bullet.

“Jeanne became an alcoholic after her mom died, so it’s like
she’s there in spirits.”

“Lindsey would like to get sober, but it’s too difficult
because hitting rock bottom is her favorite position.”

“Jeanne’s never been to jail, but that face is busted.”

“Lindsey is a Suicide Girl, a musician, and a failed
comedian. My God, isn’t there enough failed art on your body?”

“Jeanne, it looks like you went to the surgeon asking for
Kylie Jenner’s lips but just got her pussy instead.”

“Lindsey, you just wish you had my lips so there’d be more
space for all of your cold sores.” 

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Jeanne dominates this round. The failed art joke hits about
as hard as any joke I’ve ever seen in the Belly Room, and in one round Jeanne
cements herself as a force to be reckoned with.

“You can see Jeanne benefitted from poise, grace, and the
presence of a father.” – Guy Branum

“Lindsey has a father.” – Moses

“Who do you think fucked her first?” – Earl Skakel

The room pops so hard Earl and Jamar trade places, both
doing spot-on impressions of one another as the night continues. To her credit,
Lindsey’s jokes are also strong, but the energy is clearly on Jeanne’s side as
we head into round two. Lindsey tries to take control of the room by going
first, a very bold strategy.

“Jeanne’s got a review from Marc Maron on her website. She’s
also got a mark Maron left on her pussy.”

“Jeanne did bath salts, which makes people eat faces. It
looks like Jeanne started with her own.”

“Jeanne goes home to Indiana a lot, because sometimes you wanna
go where everybody knows what your pussy looks like. Seriously, your face looks
like it’s been doing Kegels.”

“Lindsey loves using Snapchat. It reminds her of all the men
in her life that disappear after nine seconds.”

“Lindsey would do anything for attention, including looking
like Lindsey.”

“Lindsey is an open book, but she’d be more private if she
could only read it.”

Lindsey edges out Jeanne, pushing us to third round. The
judges deliberate relatively quickly, and Moshe Kasher makes a Manic Panic
reference which, as a former snotty punk rock kid, I greatly appreciate.

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“Jeanne had better jokes but I’m voting for Lindsey ‘cause
she’s got nigger lips.” – Jamar Skakel

“Can I go back there and say that?” – Earl Neighbors

We push forward into round 3, and shit gets weird!

“Jeanne, the funniest body you’ve ever had in your body
belonged to Moses…and it’s not even that funny.”

“Lindsey tried to fuck Moses several times but he turned her
down. Poor girl. The closest she’ll get to his dick is if I let her eat my
pussy.”

“Moses sexted me while you were dating, but that’s not even
my joke. Honestly, Jeanne’s just mad because I fuck all the dudes she wants to.
She can’t follow me on stage or in bed.”

“Lindsey looks like Cyndi Lauper if she sang ‘Girls Just Wanna
Drink Cum.’”

“Jeanne’s an actress but her only credits come from IMDB; I
must bate dack ludes (insert thirty seconds of Porky Pig gibberish)…FUCK! I
MUST DATE BLACK DUDES.”

“A lot of people don’t know this, but inside Lindsey is a
very sweet girl…that she’s got to go to Planned Parenthood and get rid of.”

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Not only does this round contain some strong material, but also
some shocking revelations about our referee himself. The judges grill Moses on
his sex life, but he’s a gentleman and tries desperately to move the show
along. It doesn’t happen.

“Wait a minute, people fuck Moses?!” – Moshe Kasher

“Who have you fucked here?” – MichaelKosta.com

“I thought there were some limits to the amount of luck TV
could give a person.” – Moshe Kasher

“You’re a prime example of that.” – Moses, both getting
defensive and blowing up the room 

“When you fuck, do you say Roast Battle stuff? ‘Who’s gonna
go first? Afterwards, we hug!’” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“When he fucks, Jeff Ross has to throw in a yellow
card.” – Moshe Kasher

The judges narrowly give the victory to Jeanne by
split-decision. Just for funsies, we close it out with two more jokes

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“Lindsey is a smoker. Luckily her eyebrows and head are
already prepped for chemo.”

“Jeanne’s a total 10. She’s an Indiana 7 and an LA 3.”

“I have a lot of tattoos, Jeanne. Unlike your father, I’m
not afraid of commitment.”

“Lindsey is so weak, the only thing she can pick up is a
coke habit.” 

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That’s all she wrote. After one of the longest nights in
Roast Battle history, the smoke is clearing, the Wave is packing up their shit,
and Moses is off to change the passcode on his iPhone.

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Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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