It used to be the case that if Jeff Ross was out doing Jeff Ross things, you could tell when you walked up to The Comedy Store. Parking lot isn’t as packed. Balcony isn’t as star-studded. But no more. Last night was once again filled to the brim and the energy was hotttt. Billingsley was a no-show. He probably shot his eye out. #kaboom But it didn’t matter. I don’t know what inspired Boon to commit to ‘Proud Mary” but it gets EVERYONE involved. You can’t help but clap and sing along to lyrics that probably make up 17 percent of Boon’s vocabulary. Let’s give a shoutout to the sideshows to our verbal boxing matches. We’ve given due love to luminaries such as Coach T, the Great Photog, and the Wave, but let’s dive a little deeper.
Of course, the aforementioned Boon, who has more dresses than I would have guessed. Pat Regan, who usually saves the show after a less than stellar Battle, is a Bay Area boy who pumps up the room with comedy and music. Jeremiah Watkins, of the Wave and other endeavors, will join him to form international performing superstar duo, Regan and Watkins. And finally, the Haters. This part of the show has gone through an evolution of sorts, starting as an inside joke about the old talent coordinator of the Store then moving to the House Racists corner with Earl and Whitney. Now we get Earl hating and whoever should be so bold as to sit next to him. Lately, Battle favorite Omid Singh (5-3, 8) has been there, crushing it, but this week Kim Congdon (4-0, 3) found time to make an appearance!
“Jason (Reitman) couldn’t get himself an Oscar but his ex-girlfriend (Ashley Barnhill) got a Tony.”
#HEAT. The world is begging for Ashley v. Kim. They had a quick one-line Battle that was so organic, only a few latched on to it. One can only hope. (And passive-aggressively pressure from a Tumblr page.) Bottom line is the Battlers, Judges, Moses may be the engine but these other things are the grease that allows the Battle-Mobile to run so smoothly. Coupled with the stand-up comedy showcase that goes on before the show, this show is from top to bottom one of the best, most original shows around. #factsonly
Alright, let’s hit these reviews bruh.
Our first undercard had Adam Feuerburg (1-0, ?) taking down Fizaa Dosani (0-1, ?)
Fun battle! These two are friends and Fizaa just decided to challenge Adam! It’s really that easy. And since we only roast the ones we love, Battles between friends are often the best. I lost the pick but that’s ok! Still went 2-1! And it would seem the dudes are catching back up to the ladies, the record moving to 15-5.
FIZAA ON ADAM
“Feuerburg’s fucked more fat girls than type 2 diabetes.”
“When Feuerburg was born, the doctors thew out the baby and kept the foreskin.”
Not bad? She had decent stage pres but the jokes weren’t very specific to Adam.
ADAM ON FIZAA
It seems like everyday, a new hot girl shows up at the comedy store and achieves stardom just for her looks… (glance at Fizaa) not today though…
Jesus, Fizaa. I know you’re Muslim but do you have to bomb that hard this close to a Jew?
Not a whole lot of pop here but the last comeback got the room jumpin’.
This Battle gets ? ? / ? ? ? flame emojis!
Our next undercard had Justin Matson (1-0, ?) overcoming Michael Schirtzer (0-1, ?)!
Cool of these three to join us right after shooting a Reading Rainbow episode. I wonder where the Asian chick is? This was a good time. Schirtz started us off by revealing he was a rapper and dropping a few bars on us. Coach Tea hit us with a beat and we were off.
This diction cause friction like editions of jugs money.
I been talkin’ big carrots but nah this ain’t bugs Bunny.
Got nugs plenty, although you can tell.
If you get caught slipping you will plummet to hell.
First I make it rain then I turn it to hail, my weed be so strong it could turn up a whale.
The room dug it. I looked at Alex Hooper (5-1, 2) and we thought he had it. Half the Battle is likability and he had everyone on his side. But alas, his jokes couldn’t sustain the audience’s affection.
SCHIRTZ ON JUSTIN
“Justin calls himself a starving artist, but look at him, the only thing he’s never tasted is creativity.”
“Justin studied Japanese and film which makes sense since his only on screen appearance was at the business end of a bukkake.”
The room wanted him to win but Justin stole the show.
JUSTIN ON SCHIRTZ
“Michael, you look like American Psycho just got fired from Best Buy.”
“Seriously, you’re kind of creepy. I mean, look, (hold up Michael’s headshot) even your headshots are lurking in the bushes.”
“Michael likes Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Hey, you know who DOESN’T like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu? All the women he’s raped.”
“I’m being 100% serious when I say this. If you search “Michael Schirtzer” on YouTube… 3 videos show up: Michael losing a Jiu Jitsu match. Michael losing a rap battle to a white guy with glasses. Michael doing slam poetry alone in his bedroom. And while technically not a contest, it’s very clear he’s LOSING.”
Great jokes. Another risk with a prop that played out beautifully, and as Jay Light (6-3, 6) notes is WEARING THE SAME SHIRT FROM THE HEADSHOT!
Hey we all have our “A” outfit. The one we wear for Picture Day. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. #factsonly
And finally, we had Ashley Barnhill (4-0, ?) defeating Keith Reza (1-1, ?)!
Oh wow Ashley just stare into the souls of all who might think to challenge you. MEGA PROPS TO THESE BATTLERS! They were going to be an undercard and bumped up to the big boy round in one day. Just good vibes all around. Great jokes.
KEITH ON ASHLEY
“Ashley hasn’t had a boyfriend in three years. You know what that means: she can’t handle steady dick.”
“Ashley asked me if I was autistic, I said yes, she said ‘you can hardly tell’ and I said “Ashley, are you really a girl?” She said ‘yes’, I was like ‘you can hardly tell.’”
“I was watching a porno with Ashley and 5 minutes into it she says “Hey I wish you could do that to me” and I said “hey, you know I only have one dick right?”
Coupla things. Keith saying “steady dick” was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. And that porno joke is fantastic. Again, props to Keith. But, Ashley is the Terminator with a ponytail, as you can tell from that cold, dead stare.
ASHLEY ON KEITH
“Keith’s a normal guy. He has his ups and downs. Well actually downs is the only syndrome he doesn’t have.”
“Keith does ok in the Belly Room and ok in the Original Room, unlike his mom who bombed in the delivery room.”
“I really shouldn’t be mean to Keith, since god already did such a better job.”
“Keith looks like Ellen if she ate pizza instead of pussy.”
So good. Ashley is a stronger performer and never has duds so she rightfully took it.
Gonna give this one ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ? flame emojis! Get well soon Pete!
JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“I was watching a porno with Ashley and 5 mins into it she says “hey i wish you could do that to me” and I said “hey, you know i only have one dick right?”
That’s right, a loser won JOTN. I was laughing about it hard today, a full two days after I heard it live.
See you Tuesday, the new hottest night of the week. #factsonly
I am 29-20 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.