by Jay Light
“I hear that Comedy Central is here to buy you!” – Saudi Prince
While North America waits to see Roast Battle for themselves, the show carries on in the Comedy Store’s smallest showroom, bringing the most hateful kind of joy to audiences week after week. It seems that as Roast Battle’s TV debut creeps closer, the live show keeps finding ways to top itself. The Wave, Haters, judges, and the Jimmy Fallon/Questlove duo of Moses and Coach Tea are all getting more and more skilled with every new show, and the battlers, in particular, are stepping up the quality of their material and showmanship. This week proved to be no exception, featuring one of the all-time best rounds in the show’s history amidst a hurricane of hilarious hatred.
The fight card kicks off with Kyle Gridley (2-1, Unranked) taking on Tony Asar (0-1, Unranked).
“It’s the first time I’ve seen a black guy in a suit that’s not orange.” – Hater Omid Singh
Tony, in his first battle, brings actual jokes, officially learning from the dozens of black battlers before him who showed up with only their imaginations. Kyle, a veteran, fires back with some trademark blunt racism.
“The only sexual position Kyle hasn’t tried is consent."
"Tony buys cigarettes because he tried to find the store his dad never came back from."
"Kyle drinks from random cups at bar tables, because like his mom, he’ll swallow anything."
"Tony is so black and poor, when he fucks someone, he gives them Kool-AIDS."
"Kyle, I can’t tell if your Down syndrome is fully developed."
"Tony’s jokes are like his kid: someone else’s.”
In the end, a close vote sees Kyle with the edge, propelling him to a positive record and leaving Tony looking hungrier for victory than when his EBT card doesn’t replenish in time. (??/???)
Next in the ring, Kelly McInerney (1-0, Unranked) and Ethan Stanislawski (0-2, Unranked) bring us the most Holocaust-y battle of the whole night.
Kelly is the night’s second Roast Battle virgin, but her assault on Ethan’s looks and nonexistent sexual prowess is exactly what the crowd came to see. Ethan tries his best, though his intelligent material proves to be a little highbrow for the room.
“Kelly is so white and racist, her family tree is shaped like a lynching rope.”
“Ethan sounds like a booger if it could talk."
"Kelly’s cheated on her boyfriend so many times, her period blood comes out like a scarlet A.”
“Ethan is so boring, it almost distracting from how ugly his face is."
"Kelly has the face of a Nazi but the chest of a Holocaust victim.”
“Ethan’s ex left him for a girl who killed herself, proving nobody can survive Ethan’s sloppy seconds."
"Kelly looks like the character Gilly from Game of Thrones. She’s just as ugly, but too retarded for her dad to want to fuck her."
"Ethan looks like he’ll definitely cry while raping you.”
Kelly takes home the win. Ethan takes home the memory of the post-battle hug. (??/???)
Third up, Mark “The Shark” Stevens (3-0, #40) continues his streak of beating women with a victory over human anti-drunk driving PSA Ashton Swinford (0-1, Unranked).
“This look like a community college re-enactment of my favorite rape scene from Game of Thrones.” – Saudi Prince
“[Ashton], would you let the Wave smash?” – Moses
“She’s been smashed enough already.” – Hater Omid
Ashton is bubbly from the beginning, flaunting her neck and back braces, fired up to use jokes she’s been holding onto since the car crash that kept her out of the ring a month ago. Mark, on the other hand, proves that he really knows how to handle a victim.
“Y’know, it was horrible seeing Ashton in that twisted pile of wreckage. Or, as the rest of us call it, her acting career.”
"Mark asked me not to discuss rape in my jokes about him, but that’s because he’s not allowed to talk about ongoing investigations."
"I don’t really know what the big deal is. You get smashed by drunks in cars all the time, except normally it’s in the back seat."
"Mark calls himself Mark The Shark, because he thinks he’s the deadliest catch. And it’s true. If you fuck him, you will catch AIDS."
"Ashton is just like a Wendy’s drive-thru: a cheap redhead that always has comedians pulling out of her."
"Mark hasn’t had any pussy since his mom died."
The vote after their single round is too close to call, but when they unleash their overtime jokes, the crowd immediately regrets giving them another shot.
“Was it worth it?” – Moses
“NO IT WASN’T!” – The Crowd
In the end, Mark wins, protecting his undefeated record and proving that maybe all it takes to be able to consistently win against women in Roast Battle is the blind confidence to go in for the cheek kiss during the customary post-battle hug. (??/???)
The night’s fourth undercard, Robin Tran (1-3, #44) versus April Lotshaw (2-1, Unranked), keeps the heat going with some of the fiercest jokes of the night.
"April, I couldn’t tell if you’re an ugly teenager or a hot grandmother."
"The scariest Vietnam draft is Robin in a skirt."
"April’s a drug addict. She abused a lot of substances. Unfortunately, none of them is Clearasil."
"Robin has successfully transitioned into Margaret Chode."
"April, I would kill to have a woman’s body, but I’d kill myself if I had your tits."
"At least Robin’s lips are thin enough to go on auditions."
"April just had a cyst removed from her ovary. Now she just has to have 80 more removed from her face."
"Robin’s lesbian girlfriend swallows dick, and whatever other parts of the dog Robin cooks.”
"April’s a bisexual who’s been single for five years. After I get the sex change, I will have had more dick and pussy than her.“
"Robin’s the only girl who bleeds monthly from her wrists.”
The battle is too close to call after one round, with both fighters getting their fair share of hooting and hollering from the crowd.
“I can’t tell if I like the Chinese boy who is becoming a Thai lady man, or the blond girl that was becoming an unfuckable man.” – Saudi Prince
However, April’s quick ‘n dirty overtime joke gets the Wave on their feet, while Robin rushes through her last line. Even though she loses, her battle prowess is still very evident to the crowd and the judges.
“It was really good to see that inside every man is a cunty woman.” – Eddie Ifft
"I’m just wondering what bathroom Robin’s gonna be crying in after this.“ – Hater Omid
After another round of Tina Turner lip-syncing from Boon Shok-A-Laka, the night’s hottest battle begins: a Pay-Per-View undercard bout between Earl Skakel (4-1-1, #10) and Joe Dosch (8-4-1, #7). These two masters of the form bring the room to tears from the beginning, with elaborate intros that set the tone for the wild show we’re all about to witness.
"That sound you hear in the back is Duong and Guam shitting their pants!” – Earl Skakel
You can almost feel the crowd’s bloodlust by now. This three-ring-circus is what they came for.
It’s time for the greatest show on Earth:
“You can tell Earl’s a Kennedy because his girlfriends come from the Bay of Pigs.”
“Joe, your head’s so big, if you were riding shotgun with Kennedy he’d still be alive."
"Y’know, Earl, you’d make a great gay guy. All your friends died in the 80s.”
“I do like the 80s. Pro wrestling, heavy metal, and Joe would be dying in a hospital bed."
"Earl does sets at 1 AM so he can get a full night’s sleep after the early bird special.”
“Joe, I am old. Over the hill. And speaking of over the hill, isn’t that where you park for your spots here?"
"Earl’s friends with Rob Schneider, and he’s the Rob Schneider to Rob Schneider."
"Joe has showcased twice to be a paid regular, and, honey baby, the only time you’re getting passed is when Adam walks by you in the hallway."
"The Comedy Store treats Earl like a homeless guy in the street. They pass him quietly because they’ll feel bad if they don’t."
"Joe used to be an alcoholic, and he’s sober for six months. But he’s still got plenty of Jack and Jim in his belly."
"Earl, you are in great shape. I didn’t know you could get that ripped from mall-walking."
"Joe, the only way you won’t get HIV is if they take those three letters out of the alphabet.”
The judges deliberate over who earned the win, but can’t come to a consensus. Their job is made more difficult when Joe DeRosa takes a seemingly innocuous jab at Earl:
“Give it up for Earl, who looks like a midget who doctors stretched out into a regular-sized person.” – Joe DeRosa
Earl, not giving a fuck about the votes, fires back by bringing up DeRosa’s sexual past with Sarah Tiana, kicking off one of the most intense back-and-forths the show has ever seen:
“That’s a real inside joke in here.” – Joe DeRosa
“You have an inside career!” – Earl Skakel
“Earl, I was on national television last week, but congrats, 20 people in a sweaty Anne Frank attic know who you are.” – Joe DeRosa
“The only way you’re getting on Netflix is if you murder somebody.” – Earl Skakel
“That over the hill joke was so shitty, I hoped the water all over your body would get you electrocuted.” – Joe DeRosa
Then, Joe Dosch gets in on the action, because you don’t fuck with Daddy.
“What other credits did Bill Burr get you? Go fuck yourself!” – Joe Dosch
“Joe, congrats, you’re gonna be the first sober failure in entertainment.” – Joe DeRosa
“I don’t think you’re successful enough for that body language. You look like a fuckin’ Mr. Potato Head Ken doll! I hope Anthony Cumia tweets you into the poorhouse!” – Joe Dosch
“Don’t get mad at me because you have six months to live!” – Joe DeRosa
“[Earl] already made that joke, sweetheart.” – Joe Dosch
The crowd, collectively doubled over with laughter, can barely believe the slaying they just witnessed.
“They’re beating you like the Thunder beat the Warriors!” – Moses
In the end, Kirk Fox and Big Jay Oakerson vote for Earl, while Eddie Ifft and Joe DeRosa vote for Joe. The crowd confirms the draw. Joe and Earl skip off into the night together to consummate their love.
Meanwhile, the show ends on a slow note as Guam Felix (5-1, #17) and Alex Duong (4-4, #35) prove that there are some acts you just can’t follow.
“This looks like my second favorite rape scene from Game of Thrones.” – Saudi Prince
They try mightily, but just can’t reach the dizzying heights of the battle before them.
“Guam’s best friends are two black deadbeats. Their names are right kidney and left kidney.”
“Alex tried to get acupunture on his dick, but the needle was too big.”
“Guam is suffering from kidney failure. It spread from his comedy career.”
“Alex’s last name Duong in Chinese means ‘boy with bitch face.’"
"Guam was excited about the Rams coming to LA until he realized it wasn’t his family of goats.”
“Alex got a job at IMDB, which stands for I Massage Dick and Balls.”
“If you can’t tell what Guam is, his father’s Guamanian, and his mother’s a waterbed.”
“Alex’s breath smells so bad, a homeless guy used his spare change to buy him gum.”
“Guam has three kids and two baby mothers, equaling 5 restraining orders.”
“Alex’s family was so poor, when his mom’s pussy got hot and wet, they put rice in it to cook it.”
Moses has sympathy for Alex and Guam’s plight:
“This all would’ve been better, like, 15 or 20 minutes ago.” – Brian Moses
The judges are not so kind:
“That battle had the energy of a fuckin’ violin recital. So edgy.” – Big Jay Oakerson
“I know you’re both better than this. What the fuck?” – Kirk Fox
“Is there any chance of one more round?” – Joe DeRosa
“No, Joe, we all have lives!” – Big Jay Oakerson
In the end, Alex takes the win in two rounds, handing Guam his first loss and rectifying his own losing record. (???/?????)
Luckily, these two don’t have to feel the sting from their lackluster performance for too long – as the crowd heads out the exit, all they can talk about is Joe and Earl.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.