The card went from three to only two by the time the fights began. It didn’t matter. In the building is Brody Stevens, Kirk Fox and the Roastmaster, Jeff Ross. It is intimate and the feeling is that some special is going to happen. Regan and Watkin have an explosive performance. After the entire room chants, “put it in her butt, one more time,” Brian Moses brings Dan Nolan and Isaac Hirsch to the stage. The beloved recovering drug addict, Dan Nolan, reveals he dropped acid at a Dodgers game over the weekend. This wins over Brody, a former baseball player, but Kirk Fox isn’t buying it.
“I don’t believe Dan ever did heroin. It’s a great angle that you’ve convinced everyone you’ve done heroin and prison time.”
“Isaac looks like he molests kids by inviting them over to play Magic the Gathering, but then still, really, wants to play Magic the Gathering.”
“Dan is a disgusting pig, with no manners. Heroin addiction was the last time he used silverware.”
“Isaac’s got some weird problem with his penis, where he can only cum when he rubs it on a hard, flat surface. So, he might look like he molests children, but only on the surface.”
“Two pedophile jokes, I shouldn’t have worn this jacket… Dan used to play a lot of poker when he was in prison, and they had some crazy rules. Deuces were wild, straights beat flushes, and Dan had to get fucked in the ass.”
“Isaac makes a living as an extra, which is weird, because he seems more like a not quite enough.”
“Dan actually got fatter when he was on heroin. How you gonna get fat on heroin? That’s like doing crack and growing extra teeth.”
“Isaac’s such an unemployed actor, even his dick doesn’t work.”
Up until this point, this battle has been fire. This is the first joke to truly bomb, but then Dan jumps back in.
“That joke fell so flat, I’m surprised you didn’t rub your dick on it.”
Dan just slam-dunked his own rebound. In one motion, he went from getting the smallest reaction to the biggest one of the battle so far. This is a major turning point in the battle. Right when it seemed like it might go toward Isaac, Dan takes it right back. When Isaac does his next joke, it’s clear, Dan is inching his way to the win.
“Dan doesn’t have a lot of T.V. credits, but he does have a lot of CCTV credits.”
“Isaac is surprisingly, shockingly, not Jewish. He still would not have made it out of the Holocaust though, because he is a gay retard.”
“It was hard for Dan to get help for his heroin addiction. Every time he wanted to stop shooting up, they thought he meant a movie theater.”
Isaac’s last joke does not hit, granting Dan the victory. Isaac had two joke miss, and Dan one, but Dan’s “ that one fell so flat,” rebuttal is what really set him apart.
“You had a pretty good recovery from one of the worst jokes of all time.” –Kirk Fox
Isaac’s joke writing still shines through, receiving praise from all three judges. In true Isaac autistic-fashion, he began going down a rabbit hole of self-hatred that did not reflect reality. I mean, Isaac lost – he definitely lost, but he put up a good fight. Though his roast battle record will add a loss to it, there’s a different record Isaac wants noted.
“For the record, my dick mostly works.” –Isaac
“You did great, you both should be super happy.” –Jeff Ross
Moving on the second and only other battle of the night, Jay Light versus Toby Muresianu.
“Toby’s so robotic, when he gets wet, you have to keep him in a bag of rice for twenty four hours.”
“Jay’s asexual… predator.”
“That’s a lot coming from a guy whose favorite hobbies are dungeons and dragons, and draggin’ woman into dungeons.”
“Jay joined a racist frat, but to be fair, when he met those guys he had no idea they were in a frat.”
“Toby’s parents got divorced when he was four. The couldn’t get back together because Toby ate all the glue.”
“Jay does yoga. Usually when he wants to suck his own dick, he just records his podcast.”
Toby takes the first round. Jay’s jokes hit, but Toby’s hit hard.
“Toby, you were very precise, You know [Jay] well. I think you have a little crush on him.” –Kirk Fox
“The glue joke lost the round… I’d like to see your arms, you seem a little stiff.” –Brody Stevens
In one fell swoop, Denim Jay becomes T-shirt Jay.
“That showed me something that will play in the next round.” –Brody Stevens
“You look like a kid with the good super soaker.”
“Jay has a tattoo that says ‘keep going,’ just in case he starts cutting his wrist.”
“Jay also has a tattoo of oxytocin, which is the chemical for happiness, released whenever Jeff Ross cums in his mouth.”
“Too soon, too soon.” –Jeff Ross
“Toby’s girlfriend is a doctor. They have one of those cute couple nicknames, you know, like Brangelina. Theirs is Doctor WHO?”
“Put the shirt back on.” – Kirk Fox
“Toby’s bad in bed because he thinks sex toys are the action figures he shoves up his butt.”
“Toby’s a nerd with anger issues. He only hits his girlfriend if he rolls a twenty.”
Jay’s jokes are not hitting, which is rare form for him in the ring. The firing squad is having fun jabbing Jay. They have him repeat his “Doctor Who” joke.
“Take your pants off now.” –Kirk Fox
It’s just not Jay’s night, but he’s still having a good time. In two rounds the win is given to Toby, but for fun, they do a third round anyway.
“Jay was a film major, but now he just films minors.”
“Thank you Queef Jobs. Toby looks like he jerks off to model train magazines.”
“Hey, uh, Mitzi died last week. So, now Jay can get passed over her dead body.”
“Toby went to Brown, but he doesn’t hang out with anyone who is.”
“Jay loves to cook, and I actually found a recipe for Jay. You take one tablespoon of watered down jokes, three cups of his parents money, and make sure it gets no heat, doesn’t rise, and throw it out, because it’s fucking garbage.”
“Toby is an Atheist, which I understand. If I was that smart and still looked that retarded, I wouldn’t believe in God either.”
To really kick Jay while he’s down, the wave breaks out the sitting duck. The third round is probably Jay’s best. His last joke hits pretty hard, but it doesn’t matter because Toby has already won the battle. Another fun night in the books. Lets Roast!
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