After some technical difficulties and having to start the show late, the audience is hungry for blood. Unfortunately the blood bath was further postponed by having to forcibly remove a white guy for saying the n-word. Our fearless leader and referee Brian Moses once again saving the night. To the chagrin of the audience The Wave, the entire Wave is in the building for the first time in weeks. The all-white guy VIP section have uncomfortably settled back in, we have Jeff Ross, Alex Hooper, Mike Ward, Mat Edgar and Wayne Federman.
First up on to be sacrificed are virgin’s Chase Austin and Kyle Rehl. Chase is brought on stage first, when asked why he wanted to battle he said, “Everyone else said no.” Fun start. Kyle joins the stage wearing the same shirt he’s wearing in his facebook profile picture, and gives the same reason for battling. Oh boy, fun start. Austin volunteers to go first.
“Chase looks like he’d date rape you at a Christian Rock Concert.”
“Kyle’s a white guy from Georgia so he looks like he’d wear a Trump hat to burning man, and he looks like he can only cum if someone screams the n-word at the top of their longs.”
“Chase was such a shitty kid his birth mother gave him up for adoption. Then she got pregnant and had an abortion. Chase’s first impression was so shitty that it murdered his younger brother. And that’s the only time he’s ever killed.“
“It’s funny that you say that because you look like every single European serial killer that nobodies ever heard of but he has a tally of 437 women.”
“Chase dropped out of 2 different community colleges, which is crazy because that’s the exact same number of parents that dropped out of his life.”
“You human roofie. Kyle is in a long-distance relationship which means we know he’s good at three things, being loyal, being trustworthy and letting his girlfriend get fucked by other dudes.”
Kyle has a slight hit with his last joke, and Chase had an even smaller one with his last joke. Jeff Ross said, “Chase was so bad, I couldn’t even tell that Kyle sucked. I felt like this battle was just a microphone test for me.” Kyle wins.
Next up is future Instagram stars, Ariana Basseri vs Trevor Wallace. Ariana joins the stage first, and the wave immediately shows their support for the beauty. Ariana says she’s battling Trevor because, she “Wanted to fuck him, but that’s all he wanted to do.” No one in the room believes any man has ever said no to her. Trevor is brought up, and when asked if he’d let the wave smash, I’ve never seen a closeted man overcompensate his masculinity so quickly. Saudi Prince is in the house and calls Trevor “Chris Softwick,” and we are ready to battle.
“Trevor is exactly Ellen DeGeneres minus the whole having sex with a woman thing.”
“Take is easy titty-long stocking. I don’t know if you guys know this, Ariana is almost 30….comedy store door guys deep.”
“It’s so hard to make fun of Trevor because he doesn’t have a personality – only other people’s.”
“So wait you can rearrange your face but not your jokes. If you guys follow Ariana on Instagram, she likes to act like a celebrity, she like low-key reminds me of like Ariana Grande, ya know, she loves attention, used to date a comedian and all of her exes also want to overdose.”
“Trevor looks exactly like if I did before I got plastic surgery. His nose is so big cocaine does him.”
“I don’t know if you guys know this but Ariana’s parents own a dry cleaner, which makes it even more frustrating knowing that her parents had access to so many coat hangers during pregnancy.”
Trevor gets an instant hit with his first joke, and keeps them coming. Ariana’s delivery was rushed, she was nervous. She had all the likability, but none of the joke-writing ability. This was her battle to lose, and she did. Trevor came with great, well-crafted jokes, and earned his win.
Next up we have Kill Tony regulars Afrodeyte and Abraham Boche. Afrodeyte calmly says she came to “Humiliate fuckers, that’s what you do when you’re 63, you humiliate fuckers.” Afrodeyte is overflowing with confidence as Abraham joins her on stage and volunteers to go first. This battle went exactly as expected. It was wordy, weird, and witless, without a single viable joke, but it was entertaining. They both just went back and forth spouting inane insults at each other. This battle went on forever and cannot be transcribed as there weren’t any real jokes said. Afrodeyte wins.
Our last undercard is Guido Saltarelli vs. grown-up gerber baby Dylan Sullivan. Dylan earns some instant likable points when he says he’s “Only in [the battle] for the hug at the end.” Guido volunteers to go first.
“Dylan you wore a dark shirt. That’s smart. You can hardly tell that you shop for bras at lane Bryant.”
“Yeah Guido, I’m gay but at least the people I sleep with are still alive. Guido looks like a date rapist who date rapes just to cuddle.”
“Dylan is one of those people that you look at and think, “Man if he just lost 121 pounds, he would have no jokes.”
“Ah Guido you feckless cuck. Guido’s fiance is a stripper, so at least one of them interesting and talented.
“You’re really rising fast. Got a job at the comedy store. You’re like the next Ralphie May not make it to 40 years old.”
“Guido was raped when he was twelve years old by his best friend…what a faggot!”
After a rocky start Dylan ends strong, despite making the common mistake of anticipating a joke, and then not adjusting when the joke wasn’t said, with his “ya, I’m gay.” Guido had a few more consistent hits, and takes the W.
It’s time for the main event: Paul Elia vs Omid Singh, and after a night of virgins, the audience is ready to see some professional roasters. Paul is brought on stage first and takes a swing with
“I’m battling Omid because he’s moving to London and I wanted to battle him before he blows up the London Bridge.”
It bombs horribly. Omid starts with some fun word play:
”Paul is from Detroit, so I know he likes getting “PIST-ON.”
Delightful, but the audience doesn’t like it. Omid volunteers to go first.
“Paul looks like he’s in a boyband called Hummus.”
“Omid Singh is so Indian, when his girlfriend rides him during sex, she gives him an Uber rating. “
“Paul’s last name is Elia, as in he’s Elia if he says he’s ever pleased a woman.”
“Thank you O-mediocre. Omid is Indian, but he’s also fat. That’s not a red dot on his forehead, it’s a stray skittle.”
“Paul is Caldean, which is like Armenian but retarded.”
“Wow thank you, Come Again. Omid claims his girlfriend is the greatest of all time, but that’s only because he likes fucking goats.”
“Paul is in a movie called Dirty, it should have been called A Piece of Shit.”
“You look like a piece of shit.”
“Paul is what I’d look like if I didn’t have a personality.”
“Omid’s dad died and left him a clothing store called ‘charisma.’ To make up for his personality.”
“Paul is the youngest of four boys. His parents wanted a girl but they settled for a cunt.”
“Omid had a joke about throwing a bag a clothes on a train, he’s also moving his girlfriend to London. Which makes 2 bags he’s thrown on a train.”
“Paul looks like Ask Ketchum if all he caught was syphilis.”
“Omid is 50% Indian and 50% Persian, which means he 100% needs a shower.”
“Omid’s dad died and his mom is already dating someone new, and she’s clearly having sex with him because the walk of shame usually happens in the morning.”
“Paul’s parents own a liquor store in Detroit, and If you were my son, I’d drink that much too.”
The crowd is eating it up, and they immediately ask for two more jokes. Should have been 6 jokes for Omid, and 4 for Paul, as the last joke was a miss for both men. Omid came out strong and kept the great jokes coming, showing once again why he’s one of the best. Paul has all the likability, but didn’t bring enough well-written jokes to back it up. Omid wins.