The judges have taken their seats, we have Jeff Ross Presents Roast Battle superstars Robin Tran, Alex Duong, Tony Hinchcliffe and the man himself, Jeff Ross. The audience is electric and frothing at the mouth, after a moving tribute to the three celebrities that died this past week, the crowd is ready to put a few more bodies in the ground.
The first battle of the night pits East Coast’s own Rebecca Rush against Barbie Burd. Moses asks Barbie why she’s battling Rebecca, and she mumbles something intelligibly, without ever pointing the microphone towards her mouth. Never a good sign when a battler doesn’t know how microphones work. Rebecca tells the audience that their battle stemmed from a Facebook argument, which already sounds disastrous.
“Growing up Rebecca had buck teeth like a beaver; here’s hoping her breath doesn’t smell as bad as her beaver does now.”
“Thank you Lucille Beach Ball. Barbie was a Jehovah’s Witness then moved to LA, so she’s used to doors getting slammed in her face.”
“Rebecca is a spoiled little rich girl, whose life, like her comedy, is hella boring. Even the fact her dad boned his secretary is cliché AF.”
“Oh Barbie, you dumpster fire crotch. Barbie didn’t lose her virginity until she was 38. Does it count as popping your cherry if it’s already rotten?”
“On IG, Rebecca made her dog Nico her Man Crush Monday. That explains her crazy obsession with peanut butter.”
“Barbie is never going to have a baby, she can’t even deliver a joke. Barbie has her own hashtag. It’s like me too without the e and the t. It’s just. Moooo.”
Barbie doesn’t have a single hit, her delivery is beyond awful, and out of respect for the game, I refuse to call those sentences she wrote jokes. To lose to someone as unlikable as Rebecca is a feat, but Barbie proved herself VERY capable of that. I could go on and on about how Barbie’s sentences weren’t jokes, and dissect everything she did wrong, but it’d be easier to point out what she did right: nothing. Rebecca needed to have a single coherent joke to win, and fortunately, she had 3, plus some great comebacks. Barbie’s performance was so bad, Rebecca could have won just off the “Deliver a baby/joke” comeback, but luckily for the audience, Rebecca came prepared with well-crafted, well-delivered jokes. The only one that didn’t get a pop was the Jehovah’s witness joke, but that was saved by the “Lucille Beach Ball” comeback. Rebecca is the clear winner, and the audience decisively votes that way. The ladies initially refuse to hug after, and Jeff stops the show and tells them they can’t battle if they don’t hug, these are the rules, and you must respect them. They reluctantly hug and the show moves on.
Next up is Karina Beltran versus William Montgomery. Karina comes on stage with all the confidence of a woman in a leather skirt, and uncomfortably reminds the audience of her “crush” on Jeff. William is brought on stage, wearing cut-off jeans shorts, which no man should EVER wear, carrying a notebook (never a good sign) and an inexplicably empty backpack. After some confusing alt-comic rants about K-Mart, William volunteers to go first.
“Only way Karina’s still a virgin is if getting fucked by your uncle doesn’t count.”
“William doesn’t have a problem with molestation, because his family fucked for pleasure. William said that he had a one-night stand with a comic and she was acting funny about taking Plan B. William, unlike you tonight, had it stuck she would have definitely killed it.”
“You look like everything the Kardashians had surgically removed.”
“William, enjoy it, that’s the most noise they’re gonna make for you tonight. William, you look like a rejected Duck Dynasty character. William….umm…I got a Brazilian wax this morning and it wasn’t nearly as painful as having to listen to William talk for an hour in preparation of this roast. He said he likes (Holy shit how long is this fucking joke?) to road bike and family time, but those are just references to fucking his mom.”
“I like when my mom goes out of town, because I get to sleep on her side of the bed. That’s my best joke. Karina is a huge fan of Robert De Niro in meet the parents, which her boyfriends can’t do because her mom’s dead.”
“My mother is still very much alive, you should have used your imagination to write a better joke. You look and sound like a penis with a head cold, how does your father have cancer and more hair than you.”
Where to begin? Karina came on stage oozing confidence, but the minute the battle started she lost it all, and rushed through her jokes. The closest Karina got to a joke was with tired “killing/abortion” jokes. Her rants were long-winded and ended without a payoff. Some were impossible to follow. That last joke didn’t even make sense, it was like if normal joke format is a+b=c, that joke was a+giraffe=banana. William only needed to string together one good joke to beat her, and the Kardashian one was it. It was beautiful, short, relevant, hilarious and mean as hell. William wins his first roast battle in a landslide victory.
Next up we have Kelsey Lane vs. Mia Mars. Kelsey comes on stage first, escorted by two of the hottest women I’ve ever seen, she passionately kisses both, and immediately wins favor from the audience and VIP section. Mia’s brought to the stage and after Tony saying that she looks “12 and 65,” Mia volunteers to go first.
“Kelsey Lane is a guitar comic, Kelsey just because you have a guitar doesn’t mean you have a personality, or jokes…or a life.”
“That joke was weaker than your mother’s will to love you. Mia is short because God would like to keep her as far away as possible.”
“Closer to the devil, thank you Average Lavigne.”
“You’re welcome ‘resting holy shit what happened to your face.”
“Kelsey Lane is bisexual, you aren’t half gay, you’re a huge slut. She has fucked more comics than cocaine addiction.”
“The thing is I would never fuck you, there’s not enough viagra in the world that would ever make my fake dick hard for you and that’s literally it’s only function. Mia fucks so many gross goth guys her pussy doesn’t get wet. It cries.”
“At least I don’t fuck fat guys. Kelsey Lane is a lot like a paper plate, cheap disposable white trash.”
“Mia lives in the same apartment Roseanne Barr used to live in. It actually wasn’t an apartment. It was St. Jude’s home for unfuckable racist bitches.”
After Mia’s last joke, Coach cues up “Say something I’m giving up on you,” and as always, Coach perfectly captures how everyone is feeling and put the final nail in the coffin Mia definitely sleeps in. Besides the “Average Lavigne” comeback, Mia doesn’t have a single hit. Kelsey had a few misses, but enough pops to beat Mia’s performance. Kelsey is voted the winner.
It’s time for the main event, and the audience is dying for an evenly matched battle, where both comics come prepared and bring the heat. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen with Brian McDaniel versus John-Michael Bond.
“I love you Brian, you’re a sweet, good-natured guy with this incredible face, you look sorta like a child actor who blew a producer and still didn’t make it into The Goonies. Couldn’t make your asshole truffle shuffle enough for it?”
“John asked me not to say anything about his wife, I was like, what can I say that’s worse than fucking you.”
“That joke. Fun fact about Brian, he and his wife went to Mexico to adopt a baby, he’s so white, he gentrified the idea of an anchor baby.”
“John was bulimic in high school, which is weird. He seems like a bitch that swallows.”
“Brian’s high school, when he was younger, was forcibly integrated by the city, he remembers it as the fall he stopped being good at track.”
“John, you look like Chris Hardwick didn’t beat the allegations.”
“Brian’s married to a beautiful Mexican woman, which you would never anticipate from looking at his smug, racist face. He looks like he’d be a racist in the streets and a racist in a sheet.”
“John followed his wife to LA cause his wife could make more money here as a tattoo artist, people shit on me for freeloading off my white…wife but you have to be real white trash to freeload off a tattoo artist.”
“Brian is a comedian who likes to brag that he works in a lot of Latino rooms, that’s what he calls cleaning his wife’s house.”
“John’s mom does a lot of charity work, she fat too, though.”
“Brian’s marriage is Donald Trump’s worst nightmare, a beautiful, successful Latina woman, keeping a mediocre white man out of the job.”
“You look like you could be Dog the Bounty Hunter’s son, your name should be Bond, Bail Bond.”
JMB’s racist in the streets is the hardest hitting joke of the round, and his win is hilariously solidified with Brian’s Freudian slip of saying “my white” instead of “my wife.” This is not either guy’s best battle, and if I didn’t know they were both capable of better, I’d wonder why they were the main event. Brian didn’t really have a single hit, where John had a couple pops with the racist joke and the goonies joke. It was an extremely inconsistent battle, with neither battler able to gain any real momentum. Brian claims it was JMB’s likability that won him the match, which Jeff immediately refutes. Brian presses harder saying when Mike Lawrence battled Tony Hinchcliffe on TV, Mike made the room love him right away. To which Tony hilariously and perfectly responds with “That’s right, but I wrote better jokes so I won, you son of a bitch.” JMB’s off the cuff remarks, paired with having the only two jokes that hit, made him the clear winner, and the judges vote unanimously.
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