Judging the night’s bloodshed we have Roast Battle legend and Comedy Central’s Roast Battle season 3 viral star Robin Tran, Detroiters and Roastmasters Invitational veteran Comedian CP and the Roastmaster General Jeff Ross.
First up for sacrifice is Daniel McRobbie versus Ahmed Al-Kadri. Ahmed volunteers to go first.
“Daniel loves basketball, I mean he would yell out ‘Kobe’ every time he throws… a punch at a woman”
“Ahmed’s parents sacrificed everything to move from Yemen to Texas, because they wanted him to have a better life, but still wanted him to grow up in a shitty desert with backwards values.”
“Good one Neal Brennan if he didn’t have any black friends. Daniel is so lonely and skinny when he tried to suck his own dick he ended up eating his own ass.”
“Ahmed achieved a lifelong goal of his recently when he met a woman with a clit big enough to get him off.”
“It got way down my throat, it was bigger than your dick. This is true, Daniel’s father who’s a priest had an affair with a stripper and that stripper had an abortion, and that unborn child was more successful than Daniel McRobbie.”
“Thank you 13th hijacker. Ahmed makes motivational videos to try to inspire young entrepreneurs. His videos actually inspired al-Baghdadi to kill his family before himself.”
This is an interesting battle. Ahmed comes out with such enthusiasm and delivers his jokes with a conviction that’s admirable, if not unearned. His jokes are SO close to being great, but ultimately they don’t make sense. There’s no connection between the setups and punchlines. It’s like he’s telling two different jokes. The audience wants him to succeed so much, but his jokes just don’t make sense, although he does redeem himself a bit with his comebacks. Daniel’s first two jokes hit hard. His last one falls completely flat, but his lead is enough to secure himself the W. Jeff praises Ahmed’s comebacks but reiterates that roast battle is a joke writer’s showcase and gave the win to Daniel. The audience agrees. This is an impressive first battle from Daniel and hopefully we will be seeing more of him in the future.
Next up, we have Nate Welch versus Salvatore Fratallone in the battle of the two dudes most likely to roofie me at a bar. Jeff is excited for this battle saying, “Nate it’s good to have you back, you killed it last time.” Feeding off that energy, Nate wants it first.
“This boy dressed like he auditioning for a Scorsese High School Musical… fuckin’ Wack Efron.”
“Everyone give it up for Stone Cold has raped a girl in Austin.”
“You Jersey Shore about that? You look like the Fonz if he lived in West Hollywood… GAYYYY!”
“Nate actually you look like Charlie Brown… oh wait I messed that up… you look like Charlie hates the browns.”
“Good one Jimmy Poo-tron. Sal just took a DNA test, turns out, he’s 100%, a bitch.”
“Nate, why do you look like Guy Fieri with stage 6 cancer?”
Sal’s first joke is just a rebuttal, but Nate jumps in with his “Jersey Shore” comeback. However, it falls flat, so Nate continues with his “Fonzie” joke in order to get the favor back on his side. It’s a smart move by Nate, but leaves Jeff wondering what Sal’s first joke was supposed to be. So before the judges can weigh in, Jeff asks the men to do another joke.
“Nate is a bouncer so that means he denies bros from the club almost as much as he denies the Holocaust.”
“Sal’s haircut was supposed to help him get pussy, not make him look like one.”
This ends up being a great battle. Sal’s first joke/rebuttal is flawless and earns him an instant lead. Nate’s “Fonz” joke is silly and delightful and ties the match back up. Sal’s second joke hits, where Nate’s falls flat. It isn’t so much a joke as a direct ripoff of a Lizzo lyric. Sal pulls into the lead with his final joke and solidifies his win in OT. Sal sweeps the judges and audience vote and takes his first W.
The last undercard of the night features Kim McVicar versus Stacey Machelle. When asked why she’s battling Stacey, Kim says:
“Well I only had black dolls growing up so I thought it would be fun to play with one in real life.”
The crowd has mixed reactions to this. Stacey joins the stage with a lot of energy and an infectious eagerness which compels her to take the first shot.
“Kim has held on to all of her dolls from childhood. She has 60 Cabbage Patch Kids, all black, locked in her closet. I can’t tell if this bitch is running a plantation or if she was the last stop on the Underground Railroad. I don’t know.”
“I am from Canada. I asked Stacey if there was anything she didn’t want me to talk about tonight and she said that she gets uncomfortable when people talk about her lazy eye. Stacey’s lazy eye is so lazy that even the white part of it is asking for welfare.”
“Kim looks like every white reporter that Fox News rejected. So ah, I’ve been trying to help Kim with her communication skills. When we first met she told me that she was a narcissist and I’m like well narcissists have an inflated sense of self, they don’t care about other people and they’re entitled, Kim just introduce yourself as a white girl.”
“Stacey’s dad left her, her husband left her and even her lazy eye is trying to leave her, LOOK AT IT GO! I bet she didn’t see that one coming.”
“Did you steal those exact jokes from the first girl I battled? So Kim…Kim…Kim…Kim…Kim…has lost a lot of people in her family. She has daddy issues and instead of going to therapy she is just simply killing dads. Her dad is dead, her stepdad is dead and her other stepdad is dead and her brother is dead. Kim, I wish you would kill like that on stage. Now that would be awesome.”
“It’s true, it’s true, my dad’s dead, my brother is dead and my other brother is in prison and I was a backup dancer for rappers. You’re just mad that I’m more black than you. Stacey was actually a reject on AGT when she sang and gargled at the same time, which is really funny because I’ve always said she looks like a dead Whitney Houston in a bathtub… with a lazy eye.”
This is not Stacey’s night. Her jokes are long and rambly and don’t have clear punchlines. Her eagerness may have aided in her downfall. While her jokes weren’t great on their own, she doesn’t help them or herself by adding extra words and qualifiers after the “punchline,” which is always the kiss of death in the “word economy is best” Roast Battle ring. Kim came to kill, and she did. She comes out strong and doesn’t let up the entire time, keeping the lazy eye theme throughout without making it feel tired (no pun intended) or overused. She finds unique ways to incorporate the theme into new jokes and it’s brilliant. Kim easily takes the well-deserved win.
The first main event of the night is Tom Whalen versus Paige Wesley. Tom reluctantly goes first.
“Paige, you look like if Artie Lange’s nose became a person.”
“You look like a mall cop who calls Cinnabon ‘Headquarters’.”
“That’s a great joke, Tranny Devito.”
“You’re welcome, Good Meal Hunting.”
“Paige is an actress, I don’t know if you guys know this, she’s actually about to star in an all female remake of Super Troopers called FUPA Droopers.”
“It’s the only time a fat person saves the day. Tom’s favorite sex position is gentle so she won’t wake up.”
“Give it up for me in a wig, it’s fun to battle a family member here. Paige why do you look like Russian nesting doll that hasn’t been opened yet?”
“I can take multitudes. Tom actually found his sister ODing on Heroin. It’s the only time he wasn’t excited to find a girl unconscious.”
“Thats funny, Paige, because I just found you overdosed on mayonnaise. Speaking of sauces, Paige looks like she wont suck her husband’s dick unless it’s prepared Animal Style.”
“Tom has a black belt in judo, and a brown belt in his closet for when comedy doesn’t pan out.”
“Paige cried at her wedding, not because she was so happy but because she had to share the cake. Paige’s husband must be a Mormon because he just married 3 women.”
“I call that the value pack. Also, there were 6 cakes at my wedding, I didn’t have to share shit.”
“Which was 4 less than her birthday.”
“Tom, you look like you roll joints with lunch meat.”
Now that’s a fucking battle! From start to finish, Tom and Paige sling well-written jokes and great comebacks. Everyone’s having so much fun they demand another joke.
“Tom looks like he cums clam chowder.”
“Paige, you’re so fat you should change your name to book.”
These two are so much fun to watch. A big part of that is because THEY are having so much fun. These are two of the most at-ease battlers in the game, who always have killer off-the-cuff comebacks, particularly Tom tonight with his “which was 4 less than her birthday” slam that brings the room to its feet. Paige starts out strong. The “Cinnabon” joke was so delightfully specific the audience ate it up. She loses a little momentum and Tom gains more as he goes. The “Animal Style” joke is hilarious. It’s neck and neck going into overtime and while Paige’s joke is geographically funny, it felt a little familiar. Tom’s simplicity in the word play and creativity of his final joke pushes him over the top to sweep the judges vote in overtime. Tom continues his winning streak.
The last main event is between two Roast Battle superstars, Nicole Becannon and Jay Light. Nicole wants to take the first shot.
“Jay could probably rape someone and later on they’d still be like ‘oh yeah I forgot I fucked that guy.’”
“In college, Nicole was almost raped at a frat party. To be fair, the guy saw her eyes and though ‘oh I musta roofied this bitch HOURS ago!'”
“It’s true, I’m a sleepy bitch. Jay was actually the writer’s assistant on a show I wrote on, and I gotta say Jay is a GREAT writer when he’s writing my ideas down for me.”
“Thank you, Amy Boxed Winehouse. Nicole’s ass is so boxy, her butthole is probably a square.”
“Jay’s from Dallas, so I highly doubt EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas.”
“I went to a diner and ordered the Nicole Becannon. The waiter brought me a stack of uncooked pancakes that wouldn’t stop apologizing for not being more put together.”
“Jay’s sober, so he doesn’t black out at parties anymore, so now everyone else just forgets he was there.”
“I’m an alcoholic, but you’re suicidal. At least if I hit rock bottom and take a few shots to the face I won’t have to leave a note first. Nicole is currently homeless, but don’t worry, they’ll finish rebuilding Notre Dame soon.”
“Jay has a giant lion tattooed on his chest so he can look down and remind himself that after everything he’s been through, he’s still a giant pussy.”
“Nicole’s dad is a big baseball fan. He loves the Angels so much, Nicole tried to become one twice to earn his approval.”
This is exactly as amazing as we expected it to be from these two absolute beasts. Their jokes are so creative, and each one tackles a different aspect of their opponent instead of hitting the same thing over and over again. These two show why they are two of the best there’s ever been. Nicole’s rape joke explodes the room from the get-go, but she loses a little momentum towards the end. Whereas Jay starts a little slow but ends with an absolute haymaker in the “Notre Dame” joke. Both of these jokes showed these two’s expert ability to misdirect and hit with a knockout punch. The judges have their work cut out for them. CP votes for Jay, Robin asks for one more joke and Jeff agrees. They oblige with these two knockout blows:
“Nicole and her ex-boyfriend made a video of her giving him a blowjob. I found the clip on Pornhub, it’s called ‘getting some Mrs. Potato Head.'”
“Jay looks like the hottest woman that still protests Louis CK’s shows.”
OOFDA! Now that’s an overtime! Nicole laughs so hard at Jay’s joke she actually doubles over. The audience starts laughing halfway through Nicole’s joke just at the thought of Jay being “the hottest woman,” and then she finishes just as strong. This is not an easy decision for the judges. Robin gives the slight edge to Jay, CP gives the edge to Nicole and the decision comes down to Jeff. At this point Jeff gets up and tries to leave the room, because he doesn’t want to have to choose a winner in this closer-than-kissing-cousins battle between these two all-stars. After being pressed, he gives the slight advantage to Nicole stating that he enjoyed the Louis CK joke a bit more. Nicole takes home another W to add to her insanely long list of wins.