There is a solid lineup of battles tonight. The battles progressively get better and better throughout the night. The main event is killer and Nicole is really stepping her game up as a battler. Here early and ready to go is Mike Lawrence, who unexpectedly is added to the judge’s table alongside Alex Hooper, Olivia Grace, and Brody Stevens. The audience is ready to go as Brian brings up Florentina Tanase and Mikey Mileos. Mikey begins:

“Florentina’s had two concussions, a sprained ankle and wouldn’t tell me anything about her husband. Who are you married to, Chris Brown?”

“Mikey has gone to a silent mediation retreat. That’s why when he tells a joke he appreciates the audience’s silence.”

“Floertina’s so white she looks like her fuck, marry, kill would be Hitler, Hitler, the Jews.”

“Mikey has been with his wife for eleven years, but now they’re in an open marriage so that his wife can finally experience an orgasm. “

“You’re just against polyamory because you can only handle being hit by one guy at a time… Florentina looks like she only fucks black guys so that she can orgasm over how progressive she is.”

“Mikey’s dad pays for everything, but I feel like we pay for everything when he tells his joke because he looks like a amateur magician on stage and he’s waiting to do his best trick yet, which is to disappear from the comedy scene.”

Mikey’s jokes are decent, but Florentina edges him out. A decent battle for two newbies taking the bullet for the show, but these two need to step it up if they want to come back! The bar is set low for the next battle, but by no means as low as we’ve seen before. Next, the Orange County boys Doon Sanders and Russell Ells take the stage. Russell begins.

“Russell’s a bartender, a server, and former bisexual. He’s chosen to live life off of just the tips.”

“Thank you Mountain Dewy C.K. Doon sneaks into girls houses just to sniff their pantry’s.”

“That was pretty good you Mexi-melt John Stamos. All of Russell’s stand up is about people he used to sleep with, which is explains why he hasn’t written any new material in years.”

“Doon looks like every time he’s in Burger King he calls all the girls ‘my lady.’”

“I’ve had about enough of you, you Jersey Shore oompa loompa. Russell’s a circumcised Irish Mexican. He’s half spic, half mick, with half a dick.”

“Thank you Larvae Weinstein. Doon went on a date with a girl who had multiple personalities, so that night they both ate for five.”

Doon is so fun-loving, and even though Russell’s jokes are better, you don’t want Doon to feel bad for the loss. Russell’s “pantry’s” joke is what really set him apart from Doon. The judges agree.

“Russell you were like an episode of Law & Order. Good, but not memorable.” – Mike Lawrence

Doon is definitely showing his potential. If he can step up the joke writing with his fun-loving personality he could definitely take some people out in this show.

“How did you get from here to Orange County, because in my head you use one of those, like train cars that you have to pump.” – Olivia Grace

Russell takes the win and the Saudi Prince arrives!

“Sorry I was late, I was candle training my new wife.” –Saudi Prince

The best friends, Bruce Gray and Zach Stein prepare to go head to head. Zach is wearing Bruce’s clothes. I’m guessing the idea is to highlight how fat Bruce, is but there isn’t really any context for it so, naturally the judges have a field day with the lesbian jokes.

“It does look like two lesbians settling for each other” – Mike Lawrence

“I want to see if Zach can fit into his jokes” –Alex Hooper

Zach goes first.

“Bruce sleeps in the kitchen, not because the rents cheaper… he’s just fat.”

“Zach’s right, I do sleep in his kitchen because it’s much roomier than the closet that he’s been in for twenty seven years. He’s gay folks.”

“He looks like if Dennis the Menace was just a menace at Denny’s.”

“Zach actually has a lot in common with Kevin Spacey. Mostly that they’re both out of work, gay, pedophile’s.”

“Hey I am not gay! Bruce missed orientation and lost his job at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles because he stopped to eat at a closer Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.”

“Zach used to manage a hair salon which is crazy because he can’t even manage to not let guys blow him when he gets too drunk.”

Zach really shines tonight. Bruce is fun and funny – nothing out of the ordinary for him, but Zach is totally out of character. He too, is fun and funny! In fact funnier than Bruce! He kills! Zach’s Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles joke definitely seals his win.

“Bruce, I don’t know how you’re about to look twenty and fifty at the same time. You look like a human DUI.” – Mike Lawrence

He’s getting better and more comfortable with each battle. Zach’s stand up is solid and if he can make the voice he makes work on stage work more consistently in the belly room like he did tonight he’ll be a beast of a battler. In the last undercard, Lindsey Jennings and Jasmin Leigh take the stage in Lindsey and Jasmin fashion. They’re dancing, grinding on each other and just being fun.

“The stage right now looks like a strip club on casual Friday.” – Saudi Prince

“Jasmin, you’re like the Rihanna of this. You keep getting beat up, but you keep coming back” – Alex Hooper

Right before their, battle starts Brody Stevens arrives!

“I’m into Suicide Girls, I have a thirty day promo account.” –Brody Stevens

Jasmin begins.

“Lindsey lives at home with her parents, that way when guys are over that can watch her fuck her dad.”

“Jasmin’s pussy is like her hometown. A little hood, but mostly gentrified from all the white people who came there.”

“Thank you Hepatitis C…”

Lindsey cuts her off…

“Thank you, Hairy Coleman.”

Jasmin didn’t get her “thank you” joke out.

“Lindsey’s a part-time lesbian, that’s why her cat has AIDS.”

“Jasmin says she’s a lesbian, but it’s not true. She can’t afford to eat out.”

“Lindsey has a tattoo of herself on her arm, that way if a guy misses they still get to cum on her face.”

“Jasmin is a Christian lesbian. Jasmin, who’s deserted you more, your God or your dad?”

“That was so Raven, I have to say.” – Saudi Prince

Jasmin fell flat tonight and the judges definitely let her know.

“Jasmin, why are you smiling? You’re really bad at this.” – Olivia Grace

“But I’ll still always look better than you.” – Jasmin

“I don’t know, I’ve made out with Olivia and not you.” – Lindsey

“I was waiting for a cat fight, I wanted to see them wrestle and stuff, I’m into that.” – Brody Stevens

Lindsay and Olivia do end up kissing, thank God.

“This show has now been girl-on-girl interrupted.” –Mike Lawrence

Lindsay’s jokes are good. She keeps getting better with each battle. Jasmin remains stagnant in her battle progress. She fronts like she’s having fun, but then makes odd remarks like “who on stage looks like they have more money, let’s be real.” She makes literal side remarks about the jokes being told about her. Jasmin, they’re jokes! They don’t have to be 100% true. Anyways, Lindsay’s gentrification joke was great and she takes the win.

In the main event tonight Nicole Becannon takes on Greg Roque. This battle was great, let’s just get right into it. Greg begins.

“Nicole’s a Bruin, but her pussy has seen a lot of Trojans.”

“Greg is six feet tall and two feet tall of functioning.”

“Nicole, you’re so pure and white, no wonder you get abused by junkies.”

“I did fuck a junkie. We’ve all fucked regrettable people, Greg’s just mad that he can’t actually do the walk of shame.”

“You’re right Nicole, I’m paralyzed from the waist down. It’s hard for to tell if I have boners, but when I look at you, I know I don’t.”

“We can’t all be like Greg. You have the face of an actor and the body of his really bad stunt double.”

“Nicole is really into politics. She identifies as left-wing, because nobody swipes right.”

“Greg’s also really into politics, which is weird because I didn’t know he stood for anything.”

“Nicole tried to overdose on pills, but going by her body they weren’t diet pills.”

“Greg, I know you had your glory days with wrestling at all, but you can’t look back. I mean literally you can’t look back, your neck is broken, bitch.”

“Even scoring this on a handicap… I think Nicole to this one.” – Mike Lawrence

“Nicole, you crushed him, it was like Ronda Rousey versus Stephen Hawking.” – Brody Stevens

Mike is definitely correct here. Greg is great, but Nicole’s comeback game is too great. She came ready, but is an experienced enough battler to reword jokes on the spot to make them comebacks – big-time skills! The battle is really fun and these two can take a joke about themselves.

“You guys look like inspiring stories from a rehab commercial.” – Alex Hooper

“Nicole, you’re like a cheerleader who went to rehab for hot dogs.” – Olivia Grace

Nicole takes the win unanimously and that’s it for tonight! Lets Roast!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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