Every week, the New York dojo sinks a little more into its groove. This week, easily the best of the show’s short run at the Stand, saw host Luis J. Gomez looser and quicker-witted, amazing criticism and feedback from judges Robert Kelly, Ari Shaffir, and Mark Normand, and gave The People’s Wave a chance to really shine on stage – and off, with a little promo from our host.
“If you’re looking to buy cocaine, these are the people.” – Luis J. Gomez
The first battle is between two young comics and co-workers: Chris Scopo and Deepu Gill!
These guys both work on Robert Kelly’s podcast “You Know What Dude?” and are looking to blow off some work-related steam here in the Roast Battle ring in front of their boss. Deepu wins the coin flip and opts to kick off Round 1, but every blow he tries to throw whiffs, save for this:
“Scopo’s favorite movie is National Treasure. That’s right, National Treasure. Two words that will never describe his career. At best he’s gonna be a Local Fugitive.”
Chris doesn’t fare much better, though he has one more joke land than Deepu:
“Deepu, your career is like the movie Sixth Sense. It’s been dead from the beginning all because of an Indian guy’s shitty writing.”
“Deepu, how can you worship a cow with eight hands when you can’t grasp the concept of a punchline?”
After the closing bell, Luis comes rushing back to the stage like he’s trying to press the emergency stop button on an out-of-control escalator.
“That was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen, and I was at my mother’s and my father’s funeral.” – Luis J. Gomez
“Were you in the parking lot?” – Robert Kelly
Chris inarguably has the better jokes, and the judges roundly rip on Deepu for his lack of biting material:
“I wish Deepu’s confidence and Scopo’s jokes met.” – Robert Kelly
“I’m not gonna name a winner, I’m gonna name [Deepu] the loser.” – Ari Shaffir
Chris comes out on top of the first round, and opts to kick off the second round. Despite a late-in-the-round stumble, Chris’s jokes hit time and time again:
“Deepu is 26 years old and has never gotten his dick sucked, proving that blowjobs are the only jobs that can’t be outsourced.”
“This is the first roasting Deepu’s been a part of that wasn’t on the Al Jazeera network.”
“One time Deepu almost joined the mile high club, but she fell off the carpet.”
Deepu, on the other hand, tries valiantly but can’t get much to stick. He makes a joke involving the host that didn’t fly, a joke about mowing Robert Kelly’s lawn that required more setup than Deepu gave, and a joke about Chris’ sleepy energy that makes the crowd yawn more than chuckle.
The judges are faux-split:
“It’s hard for me to tell. I think I’m gonna need to see another round.” – Robert Kelly
“Are you kidding me? We were just talking about not reinforcing bad behavior in children.” – Ari Shaffir
All of the judges vote for Chris in the end, though he admittedly didn’t write a lot of his own jokes, a point Luis uses in an attempt to get Deepu some positive recognition from the judges. In the end, though, it’s decided that it really doesn’t matter how much of the roast jokes you wrote, as long as you don’t make it seem like a dead giveaway:
“Chris, you don’t know what Al Jazeera is, come on!” – Mark Normand
Our second bout of the night: H. Foley vs. Andrew Schiavone! Both battlers take the stage and start off by getting a few warm-up shots in on Luis:
“You’re dressed like a bouncer from Sears.” – H. Foley
“I’d make fun of you, but up close you’re terrifying.” – Andrew Schiavone
Then they turn on each other in one of the finest first rounds I’ve ever seen:
“Foley – he’s fat and he’s Irish. If he looked any more like a potato, he would eat himself.”
“Andrew Schiavone, everybody. He looks like every guy who died at your high school.”
“Foley tells people he’s a successful actor, but he’s a waiter at a restaurant. The only time he gets a callback is for more bread.”
“Andrew’s actually a really funny comedian. The first time I saw him, I knew he had it. I just didn’t know if ‘it’ was full-blown Asperger’s or a touch of Down syndrome.”
“Foley has a drug problem. He once did so much coke he paid a hooker to put a banana in his ass. That was the last time he had a piece of fruit.”
“A lot of folks say Schiavone has a big dick. Ladies, if you want to get at it, he keeps it in a nightstand next to his bed.”
“Foley is fat, high energy, and has a coke problem. He’s like Chris Farley, except no one will notice when Foley dies.”
The round ends. The crowd can barely catch their breath from laughing.
“Somewhere Deepu and Chris Scopo are crying.” – Luis J. Gomez
The judges actually have a real decision to make this time, though Foley pulls it out by a 2-1 vote.
“I’m gonna give it to Schiavone, and I don’t know the other guy’s name.” – Robert Kelly
Having won the first round, Foley decides to begin round two as well:
“Schiavone’s parents didn’t believe in vaccinations. It wasn’t a moral choice, they just really hoped he would die.”
“If you didn’t know, Schiavone is mixed. His father’s Italian and his mother’s a flounder.”
“Schiavone recently had a threesome. Very big news. When his mom found out she made him reassemble the vacuum cleaner and had the dog put to sleep.”
“Schiavone was the only kid at Jared Fogle’s sleepaway camp to be given Red Bull at every meal.”
As Foley begins to lose steam, Andrew capitalizes with a scorching second round rant:
“Foley’s from Philadelphia, and he’s like the movie Philadelphia with Tom Hanks. Because his career is dying a slow and curable death.
"Foley’s 40 and looks like that. He has a lower chance of making it than hospice patients.”
“Foley is hideous! He’s gross! They should play his act in burn wards so people think ‘eh, could be worse.’”
“For those who don’t know Foley, he’s fat, smells, smokes, eats candy, missing two teeth, college dropout, old, 40, bangs his friends’ ex-girlfriends, hasn’t been to the doctor since 1992, has the body of a casino pit boss, dresses badly, old clothes, shops at K-Mart, eats at K-Mart. I don’t have a punchline, I just thought you guys should know that.”
The judges are as split as they were the last round, though Schiavone winds up taking the round not only because of his powerful jokes, but also because Foley kept breaking the rules to interrupt Andrew’s delivery. Future battlers, take note: respect your opponent’s time and everything will be cool.
With the third round ready to roll, the opening bell kicks things off:
“Foley shops and eats at K-Mart, but I think he’s more like Wal-Mart because he’s big, generic, and hated in New York City.”
“Schiavone’s from a hick town in Virginia. When he went home recently, they thought his Air Jordans were space shoes.”
“Foley’s good at impressions. He can do one of me. The only impression you can’t do is a working comedian.”
“Schiavone was bullied in middle school, in high school, in college, in law school, and now at work. And apparently that Mary is a real cunt.”
“Foley was in a sketch where he played a female police officer called ‘Hot Chick Cop.’ I don’t know which is less believable: you as a woman or you having a job that requires drug testing.”
After these five jokes, the competitors unleash a string of duds, prompting DJ Will Winner to drop the Price is Right failure music and giving him one of the biggest laughs of the round.
“That really Deepu’d out at the end.” – Mark Normand
All three judges give the W to Andrew Schiavone, and especially to the crowd for not having to sit through another battle involving Deepu.
The night’s headlining battle is between two friends and fellow horrible people: Mike Recine and Scott Chaplain!
Mike comes on stage with an unnerving intensity in his eyes:
“You look like you actually want to fist fight Scott Chaplain.” – Luis J. Gomez
“Mike, you look like you’re about to buy weed from Luis.” – Mark Normand
He even catches Scott off guard, prompting Scott to skip and intro and request that things just get started. Luis gives Scott the chance to begin round one:
“Mike’s brother is autistic, his sister’s a monster, and Mike is Mike. Dude’s mother has produced so many retards, you’d think her cunt was trying to win an Oscar.”
“I’m excited to roast Scott Chaplain, even though nobody knows who he is. I went to his IMDB page. It was more empty than his father’s funeral.”
“Mike’s Conan set is known as the Eric Garner. He stumbles, starts to choke, and everyone who’s seen the tape wonders why nobody put down the camera to help.”
“Scott’s sister used to be a stripper, and Scott drives headliners to their gigs. That’s what I like about the Chaplains: they’re always down for a ride.”
“The only funny Mike on this stage is DiStefano’s silhouette, and at least he had the decency to be buried before his career was in the dirt.”
“Scott’s father is a cop, and he’s proud to see Scott following in his footsteps: pissing off rooms full of black people.”
The first round was wild for sure, but the judges worried aloud that it was a bit uneven, with Scott winning the first half and Mike winning the second. Eventually, due to revealing the fact that Scott told Mike about his sister’s stripper past in confidence, Mike wins the round by being “a true piece of garbage,” in the words of Ari Shaffir.
Speaking of Ari, the voting in this round is interrupted by a beautiful tangential argument between he and Luis:
“Ari Shaffir, the most honest man in comedy.” – Luis J. Gomez
“I just hate you, that doesn’t make me honest.” – Ari Shaffir
Then the story comes out: one time, Ari let Luis stay on his couch, and Luis smoked all of Ari’s weed. The judges and crowd get whipped into an uproar over this, especially considering Luis tried to save face by explaining how he didn’t spend the $400 in cash he saw lying around the place:
“I smoked all your weed and ate all your weed gummies out of the freezer, but I did not touch that $400.” – Luis J. Gomez
“If it was made out of weed you would have!” – Robert Kelly
Round two begins with Mike taking charge:
“Everybody was like, ‘you should say Scott’s a school shooter’ but school shooters get their faces on television.”
“Scott’s having a good year. He got management…from the slaughterhouse to give him Tuesdays off so he can stay clocked in for every open mic.”
“I dunno if you know this, but Scott took a year off from comedy to work a job at a slaughterhouse so he could take care of his mother. Isn’t it funny that all these goats have to die just so one pig can sit on her couch?”
Scott wavers at first, then comes galloping through the middle of round two with a second comedic wind:
“I’d rather watch two hours of my dad’s funeral than one hour of your comedy.”
“My sister’s so fat, Mike wouldn’t even fuck her, which is a surprise, since her blood type is pasta sauce.”
“Saturday Night Live’s Colin Jost lets Mike feature for him on the road, because it’s the one thing less funny than Weekend Update.”
“My favorite words that start with an N are nocturnal and nunchucks, but Mike told me his favorite N word was ‘a dead one.’”
“Your advice could do more harm to a comic than a Wal-Mart truck.”
“Yeah, my dad had cancer, but he died from a stroke. Stroke is also something Mike does to his dick every time a Hitler documentary is on TV.”
The judges are as conflicted as ever. Mark and Ari both vote for Scott, and while Robert Kelly thinks Scott did well too, he finds no other option but to vote once again for Mike:
“You were great, but he is just a hunk of garbage!” – Robert Kelly
Round three comes around with Scott opting to take the first shot:
“Bookers avoid Mike’s emails more than his brother avoids eye contact, but not more than his mom avoids the Surgeon General’s warning while she’s pregnant.”
“Scott, if your guardian angel showed what life would be like without you, it would just be Mike Lawrence taking the bus to and from Connecticut.”
“The only thing more painful than watching my dad die was watching you try to justify your hatred of women.”
“If you wanna know, Scott drives a Honda Civic, ’98, very reliable Japanese car. In fact, the only time Scott breaks down is on stage.”
“Mike will text me at 2 AM things like ‘Hey do you think JonBenet Ramsey would be a hot sorority girl if she was alive?’ I dunno, Mike, maybe if you didn’t finger her to death we’d have the answer.”
“Your act is like a shirt from H&M. You can get it for cheap, but if you put a little pressure on it, it starts to unravel.”
“Mike’s made more women cry than The Notebook. The notebook is also what Mike didn’t write in while preparing for this roast.”
“Dan St. Germain threw up on your floor mats so many times I thought they were your sister’s tits.”
The judges, once more, have a hard time picking a winner, though in Ari’s case, Luis thinks there’s other causes besides a good battle:
“How high are you?” – Luis J. Gomez
“Not as high as he could have been, ya thief!” – Robert Kelly
In the end, though Mike still has Robert’s heart and vote, Scott gets votes from Ari and Mark.
“He’s never done this well!” – Mark Normand
The two hug then return into the New York City night, where they’ll go be terrible humans on some other stage in the bustling city.
We’ll see you back next week!