With 2019 drawing to a close a festive belly room crowd settled in for a smooth transition into the new year with the familiar sound of verbal sledgehammers hitting ego. An eager firing squad of Frank Castillo, Kim Congdon, Cort McCown, Rosebud Baker and late addition Andy Haynes take their positions as the firing squad and Moses brings up our first battlers.
Charley McMullen and Kayla Esmond are brought to the stage. Their friendship is evident in some pre-round banter as Kayla prompts Charley to lead us off in the final battle of the year.
“I struggled with whether or not to mention Kayla’s abortion tonight because I think of it as our abortion, but second of all I dont want to think about the baby she didnt keep as I hear the jokes she did keep.”
“It’s ok, it’s ok, he’s just sensitive because his mother isn’t hero-in his life anymore. If I did have that baby I hope it would have grown up like Charley, having absolutely no contact with his mother.”
“Not unlike heroin, that was a cheap shot. What I love about Kayla is how she smashes down stereotypes. She is from the South but is openly bisexual, which for her, I get it, play the odds. Even more than that she is an actress who clearly doesn’t have an eating disorder. I admire the shit out of that.”
“It’s true, I am fat. I’m the only thing lazier than Charley’s eye. Charley, you look like the only grooming you do is of young girls.”
“You guys, I’m friends with a lot of people who I know I’m going to outlive, but when it happens with Kayla I’m really going to miss her. And I want you to know that I’ll be there, but I’m not going to be a pallbearer.”
“Charley, I would say it looks like you live out of your car, but I drove you hear, I know you don’t have one.”
We briefly go to the firing squad before the countdown to midnight begins:
“You look like a drama teacher that used to skateboard” — Frank Castillo
3-2-1, HAPPPPPPPY NEW YEAR! Not just the battlers, but most of the room hugs someone as the year turns to 2020. And as far as battles, this was a worthy one to ring it in. Charley got a big pop with his “cheap shot” comeback and “playing the odds” joke, but Kayla didn’t really have a miss and that grooming joke was the joke of the battle. Kayla takes a deserved win, but I hope we see both of these battlers utilizing the carpool lane and the Roast Battle stage in the coming year.
In the first battle of the New Year, Moses brings up another newcomer, Paul Green.
“I’ve never had to follow an entire decade before.” – Paul
His opponent Ryan Joseph slides up to the stage with the resting heart rate of a man in need of a Narcan shot. His character is instantly funny, but are the jokes? Moses asks why he wants to battle Paul.
“Paul is a Mormon and he works clean. I have to make fun of him for this.”
“Ryan Joseph lost his virginity when he was 16 because that was the age he was finally big enough to pin down his sister. I figured as long as I’m battling (Ryan) he can’t be outside stalking women”
The pre-round jokes get some good pops, then the bell rings and the fight begins.
“It’s not Paul’s fault he’s been a virgin all his life… not many girls can take a 6 foot 2 penis.”
“Ryan may look like a cold-hearted creeper, but he does have feelings. In fact both his mother and sister are dead. And that makes it really hard for Ryan when he would fuck ‘em.”
“The only stage it looks like Paul has been on is stage four cancer.”
“Ryan does have a girlfriend, evidently her name is Jenny, but all her friends and family call her ‘a missing person.'”
“Paul looks like he’s treating AIDS with chemotherapy. “
“Ryan Joseph is so pale, when he got molested by his uncle, you couldn’t even tell there was cum on his face.”
So much for Paul working clean… but this is Roast Battle, and the usual rules don’t apply.
“Both of you look like you walked out of a White Nationalist Convention”.- Andy Haynes
“Paul, you look like you’ve just seen an alien for the first time” – Frank Castillo
“Ryan, I like your druggie, Kurt Cobain vibe, but I know that you’re older than 27 because you will never die a legend.” -Kim Congdon
The judges give it to Ryan, but the audience and this reporter agree that Paul had the stronger battle and Paul takes home a win in his first battle.
Following up a strong start comes our third batttle of the night: stripper with a heart of gold, Caroline Georges, versus comedy lothario, Dan Paustian. Dan and Caroline have a lot of history, which usually makes for an interesting battle. Dan decides to go first.
“I don’t know if you can tell, Caroline has very creative way of putting on lipstick. It’s less coloring outside the lines and more coloring inside the whore.”
“It’s a shame Dan can’t kill on stage the way he fantasizes about killing Jews.”
“Caroline has slept with so many dudes her dildos use condoms.”
“Dan thinks he’s such a badass because he got kicked out of fraternity for dealing drugs, but it was into girl’s drinks.”
“I do want to put this out there, I have slept with Caroline Georges.”
“For 15 seconds!”
“That still counts. The only thing bigger than Caroline’s Joker lipstick is that 1978 bush. I didn’t know foliage this dense existed in L.A. She was like, ‘should I go to the bathroom and get rid of it?’ and I was like, ‘I dunno, what do you got in there, Home Depot?'”
“That joke lasted longer than you did. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, then Dan must be from Planet Faggot.”
“Then that must be your type, because this one’s been inside you. I really enjoyed having sex with Caroline, all 15 seconds of it. What I didn’t enjoy was the entire week after when everyone kept asking me what seafood restaurant I work at.”
“Everyone says that Dan is a racist pig, but he’s actually a man of principle. He doesn’t fuck black women.”
After it was revealed pre-fight that Kim once gave Dan her number and he never called, the love triangle hits a fever pitch.
“This battle was really good… for me.” – Kim Congdon
Although her last joke doesn’t land, a couple of Caroline’s jokes get strong reactions and her “that joke lasted longer than you did” comeback levels the room. Dan, on the other hand, will have to take a good long look in the mirror, which I’m sure he has plenty of and does a lot. On second thought, take a good long look at your notebook. The judges were a little unfair in doling out criticism equally on this one. Caroline takes the win.
Next up we have the opposite of The Two Popes, Mia Mars versus Tokyo Kuntpunch. I’m not going to blame either of these two for how terrible this battle was… I’m going to blame the foster care system for not giving them a role model with a sense of humor.
“Tokyo, you look more like Tampa. Actually she’s a lot like the Bermuda Triangle because she swallows semen.”
“Thank you Beetle Jew. Being Jewish isn’t the ugliest thing about her.
“She’s a hooker who drives a BMW I’m surprised she knows how to sit upright in a car.”
“So glad you could take a break from stirring your cauldron to be here tonight. The only black man in Mia’s life is her pet tarantula she keeps in a cage because she got tired of having the hairiest legs in the relationship.”
“She looks like a Christmas tree and she’s a lot like one, too. You buy her in a parking lot, you put your balls on her and then you throw her to the curb.”
“Look at her, do I even need to write jokes? Newsflash: your face is melting. Mia’s Instagram handle is @miafuckingmars because she’s too ugly to fuck anyone from this planet.”
This was bad. If you ever say in your battle, “do I even need to write jokes?” I can guarantee you the answer is yes, yes you do… but not the ones you have. And if you’ve ever caught whiff of a fart while driving in traffic then you understand this battle. How did that happen? Where did it come from? Am I amused or upset by this? All questions that you can’t really answer so you just wait for the air to clear with a sense of violated resignation.
In Roast Battle whether you are liked as the “hero” or the “heel”, you need to be liked on this stage to get far, and neither of these two came close on this night. Making things, worse Mia takes a dig at our very own Autistic Thunder after he revealed that they had slept together. Mia, you’re hard enough to root for without shitting on the good guys looking like Amy Sedaris’ afterbirth in a cap. Writing “mean” jokes doesn’t mean being unkind to people. We love Josh.
Now on to some good times with the loveable and good natured combination of Jay Light and Josh Waldron. These two understand how to mix abrasive with the right amount of likeability to take the edge off. They tell jokes with a little charm and ease, so even if what they’re saying is fucked up, which it usually is, it doesn’t FEEL like it’s bad. A little light banter and they’re ready to go in our first Main Event:
“Jay writes for MasterChef Junior, where you don’t have to be funny, you just have to look like you would cook kids.”
“Thank you Bi Little Pony. Josh’s haircut is what happens when an unstoppable horse meets an immovable faggot.”
“Thank you Mighty Duck Lips.”
“You’re welcome, Fairy Potter and the Ass-Blood Prince.”
“Jay likes to make fun of me for looking gay, but he loks like Gollum got an episode of Queer Eye.”
“Josh is part Native American, which is why when he swears he’s not gay you can only think, ‘How.'”
“Jay’s girlfriend is named Daisygreen, and his real name is Jerry Thomas Light the Third, and their child will be named Fox News McPlantation.”
“Josh once had sex with a Suicide Girl. Not one of the models, she was just so ashamed afterwards that she killed herself.”
“Jay has a bunch of dumb tattoos. He has, like, a burnt fig on his arm, a lion on his chest, and a tattoo of Ellen Degeneres on his face.”
“Josh is so self-centered, the day Brody Stevens died, Josh complained to me about Brody not being nice to him. Everyone mourned Brody, but when you die, everyone will ENJOY IT!”
“The last time Jay and I were drunk together he was getting bullied by a 50 year old drunk woman that he wanted to hook up with. That woman? Jay from future.”
“We both don’t drink but Josh looks like he still butt-chugs everything. Josh is a big fan of The Legend of Zelda, and even has a tattoo of the Triforce. Because if he can’t convince you to sleep with him, he’ll try force.”
This battle brought the energy back in the room. Josh didn’t have a great battle, but his energy kept up his end of things and kept the battle moving even when his Queer Eye joke fell flat. Jay was strong throughout. He took a risk that with an inside pool Brody Stevens joke that ended up paying off. You could tell that these guys had fucked with each other plenty over the years before they ever got on stage. The judges had it a little more even on the scorecards than the crowd, but in the end, Jay cruises to a win.
And in the last main of the night we have Omid Singh versus Ashley Johnson. Omid is trying to stay neck and neck with Pat Barker while Ashley is trying to etch his name in the upper echelon of battlers.
“Ashley is from Virginia but he’s wanted in Texas. We’ve never hung out because I live near a school.”
“I didn’t know Jeff Dunham’s Arab puppet could talk without a hand up his ass. You look like you work at the 7/11 down on Sesame Street.”
“Ashley is friends with a lot of black men because no brother can resist a thick white bitch named Ashley.”
“Omid is an environmentalist. He doesn’t just shit the bed in a river, he bathes in it, too.”
“Thank you, Gandalf the Homeless.”
“You’re welcome, Jim Henson presents 9/11.”
“Ashley is a rape apologist, which I’m pretty sure means he’s sorry for what he’s done.”
“There’s 33 million gods in the Hindu religion and apparently they all fucking hate Omid.”
“How do you look like Bigfoot and the guy looking for Bigfoot?”
“Omid looks like his pickup line is, ‘How much for pictures of your feet?'”
“Ashley likes to cook, his signature dish is meth with hair in it.”
“Omids girlfriend is an actress. Her hardest role is pretending she isn’t cheating on Omid.”
This was another fun but imperfect battle. Both of their first jokes flounder until we got to Ashley’s Sesame Street line. Omid then comes back with the biggest banger of the battle, and maybe the night, with “white bitch named Ashley.” Omid stayed really strong after that while Ashley alternated between solid and silence. It was a big opportunity and Ashley didn’t quite have it against one of the greats. Omid gets the win.
Also, no more Jeff Dunham puppet jokes, it’s a new decade. Happy New Year, roastfans.