That’s right we have new ranks! We have some great previews to get to and some judges to highlight. But first…allow me to peel back the curtain a bit. I DO NOT MAKE THE RANKS. I tried to, once the site was finished. But lightning struck my keys and then I blacked out. When I regained consciousness and the smoke cleared, they were complete and I spoke Tagalog for an hour. Since then, I am given instructions on where to meet a representative of this shadowy organization. I have no idea of their process or formulas or reasonings behind where Battlers are ranked.
Last time I tried to assume responsibility for the rankings, I woke up to find the brakes on my bike disabled. I ride over 100 miles a week and a lot of hills. Message sent, committee. Imagine the MPAA ratings committee and the Illuminati combined and knew whether or not Beyonce gestated.
ONCE MORE. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE RANKS. SO YOUR COMPLAINTS WILL FALL ON STONED EARS.
That being said, the committee was very generous in allowing to actually gain one spot from 40 to 39, despite losing to Doug Fager (1-1, 29) who cracked the the top 30! Thank you committee! You are wise and just. Other notable movements include Stuart Thompson (2-1, 9) moving into the top 10 Head to roastbattle.co for all the deets!
If knowledge serves this if Kirk’s first time as judge! Kirk is very funny. Always see him crush the Main Room. I remember seeing his Comedy Central Presents and then in the movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” with a small part and I was super stoked to be able explain to my friends who he was.
Is this another judge newbie? No one ever tells me anything around here. Don seems like a great guy. Very friendly to everyone. I haven’t really seen his standup. He has a show called the Ding-Dong show. He was supposed to Battle Brody Stevens but that never materialized. There was a whole moment one Tuesday night long ago and everything. I also saw him throw a chair during Brody’s set once. I shot some super random video with him in the back of the Store once. Should be a fine judge.
Ah yes, young Mr. Hinchcliffe. Tony is very funny with very smart jokes. He hosts the #KILLTONY podcast and leader of the DEATHSQUAD. Just the other day a few comics and I were talking and one had this to say.
“I was down on my luck the other day. Not feeling good about my comedy. And Tony Hinchcliffe came up out of nowhere and picked up my spirits. He introduced himself and said not to quit comedy or believing in myself. I’ll never forget that.”-some guy.
After I wiped my eyes I looked at Tony with newfound respect. This anecdote is 100 percent true and in no way the opposite of what it actually feels like to meet Tony Hinchcliffe. During my last battle he said that I, like him had a gay face.
Tony looks like Count Chocula’s gay brother, Mounts Cockula. In any event, Happy 4/20! See Tony tonight in Vancouver.
Now…on to some previews bruh!
Our undercard features a double newbie Battle as Byron Valino (0-0, UR) takes on Michael Arden (0-0, UR)!
I am not familiar with Mr. Arden. Let’s go to twitter! He has…13 followers. Welp. That’s one more than Jesus? #silverlining. We’re not going to twitter. Byron, however, is a friend. Funny guy. Adds a little musical spice to his comedy cooking and I am always down with that. I’ll go Byron here. But I guess I don’t know for sure. We don’t know anything for sure. In life. But that’s another tumblr.
Our first Main Event has Wub Savell (1-0, 35) against Harry Moroz (1-0, 42)!
Last time we saw Wub he was wiping the Belly Room floor with an extra large mop. Last time we saw Harry…was before the birth of the report. But I think it was a week after my battle and he won obviously. I have to go with Wub for the pick. One of the best performances the Battle has ever seen. Sorry, Harry.
Our last battle is another Main event that has Brent Duncan (2-1, 54) going against Roast Battle
heavyweight really good Battler Keith Carey (3-0, 10)!
The rest of Keith’s picture says “SUCKS”. But he doesn’t suck. He’s quite good at Roast Battle. With his joke quality and winning streak, it’s no surprise The Committee shot him up to 11. Brent is a respectable 54 out of like 115. Oh yeah. Looks like the site doesn’t go past 101? So till we figure that out if you’re past 101 then step yo game up. Brent has an UPHILL battle for sure. Keith will have hot fire ready. Brent writes great jokes as well but his last Battle kind of sputtered after the first round. I think Keith wins this one handily.
I am 17-11 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.