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Well well well. The committee heard your cries, it appears. Changes are coming to the ranks I’m told. Starting with class division. We can’t have a Wladimir Klitschko taking on a Floyd Mayweather. Wouldn’t be fair. Plus, in Roast Battle we only hug after the battle. So a Floyd wouldn’t last anyway. #topical. But yeah, I think every 30 battlers should do it. Mainly because the committee made it that way when I checked the update on my iPhone browser. That means Brendan Lynch (2-1, 30) closes out our first batch of heavyweights! Here’s a snapshot of the AP Roast Battle top 30.

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That’s a combined 92-36-2. These are the people that make up main Main Events. This is where you want to be. That reminds me. Popular question I get is “How do I get in these Roast Battles?” and I don’t mind answering but I’ll go over it here. Get someone you’d be comfortable Battling and talk to Moses about it. Have a beef with someone in comedy? Even better. Talk to Moses about it. Or email [email protected] and I can forward the info. Also, be a comedian in the scene. We’re not just putting any yahoo up there. Except when we put Matt Lewis up there. But he’s still banned.

That’s out of the way now let’s talk judges!

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This is Steve Trevino and the cover for his new Netflix special, “Relatable”. Check it out! Check him out on twitter! I don’t believe I have ever met Steve or seen his stand up but I have only heard good things about him from other comedians. He kinda looks like if Jon Favreau never met Vince Vaughn and couldn’t afford a fitness trainer. But hey, no one’s perfect.

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Next up is Chris Porter! I googled Chris Porter and the first result is this handsome, decorated football soccer player. Then I put comedy after the name and tried again. And…this came up. Tough. I was wandering the Comedy Store one day and happened into the Main Room when Chris was performing and he was very funny and quick-witted throughout his set, which makes for a great Roast judge. Check out his special, Ugly and Angry, on iTunes and follow him on twitter.

Finally it looks like Scott Stapp put on some weight in rehab! But we’re happy to have him judge!

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First new single is a cover of an old top hit, “(My Blood Pressure Is) Higher”.

Alright, that’s actually Big Jay Oakerson (0-1, 79). Haven’t had the pleasure of his acquaintance or performance but another comedian you never hear anything bad about.

Enough about them…we have 4 battles to preview bruh.

Our first undercard has Timika Hall (0-0, UR) taking on Jeanne Whitney (0-0, UR)!

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Some more newbies! Let’s get to 200 battler’s by the end of the year. We’re at 111 now. It’s doable. If stand up comedy is like golf or baseball then Roast Battle is Match Play or the Home Run Derby. Showcase of skills. I have never met these two and now they get a chance to make an impression the on one of the best shows in LA. Tough to call this one. Combined they have less than 200 followers but after looking through their feeds they appear to be on decent shows so they’re probably funny. I’m going Jeanne here. Only because she has more twtter followers. Exactly 89 more.

Our second undercard has Matt Rife (0-0, UR) versus Tim Limbrick (0-0, UR)!

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Very intrigued by this Battle. I’ve seen Tim a few times at mics. He’s a nice enough dude and I’ve seen him have good sets. But I’ve also seen not so good ones. His joke writing seems to be good enough for Roast Battle. Matt, I have never met. Seen him on some pretty good shows. He was ok. Seemed a little “rehearsed” for a lot of his set. When he broke from that and improv’d or played with the crowd he was much more funny, which could lend itself to Roasting. His twitter account declares himself to be the “Justin Bieber” of comedy. Hmm. Kinda like walking into Hell’s Kitchen and declaring yourself Guy Fieri of culinary arts. But hey…Matt is on a lot of great shows and has way more twitter followers than Tim or me so I’ll go with him. But don’t be surprised if Tim comes out way hotter than Matt and shocks the world.

Our first Main Event has Jon Schabl (0-1, 76) versus (1-90, 110)!

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You’re probably like, “Scott has lost 90 times?”. And no, he has not. But he tried to come at me with some wack ass info and The Committee decided to shame him. Feel free to correct me on anything but if it’s put before The Committee, fact-checked and proven to be false? The Committee looks down upon such deceit and will take appropriate action. Honestly, I don’t know why Scott is putting himself through this again. He claims to have 3 wins which is preposterous because it’s tough to believe he even acquired the 1 win he has. He’s a good person (unconfirmed) but he seems clueless on stage for Roast Battle. Best of luck though. If I remember correctly Jon barely lost his last Battle and he’s funny on twitter. I’ll go with him. But honestly it could be Scott versus an expired mango and it would still be a toss-up.

We’ve all been looking forward to this one.

*Michael Buffer voice*

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“LET’S GET READY TO BATTTTTTTLLLLLLLE!”

Store Guys! Roommates! Brothers! Heavy Jay Light (5-3, 16) versus career wins leader Frank Castillo (6-1, 2)!

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Less than 20 feet seperate where these two sleep. Less than 5 will seperate them on stage tomorrow night as they try to knock each other out. This is a combined 11-4, probably our most decorated Battle since Frank lost to Alex Hooper (5-0, 1). That was Frank’s last battle, while Jay has continued on to the road and a few more losses. Jay, as you all know, great friend of the Report, perennial Smash Bros. loser and overall great guy. Frank another good friend, great comic and one of the best Roasters we have. To be honest, the real warrior is Frank’s girlfriend Hannah, who has to sleep next to him. You know I’m 1-3 or 1-2 when picking Jay. But I’m going with him again here. Either way, it’ll be 100x better than Saturday’s Main Event and 100 dollars less expensive.

#topical

I am 21-14 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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