The Boon, yeah the Boon, yeah the Boon is back! Sing that to the tune of the song I linked. As Boon’s number one customer (I own six shirts from his “store”), no one was prouder of our transient Mary’s return than me. I just hope whatever bodily fluid was on his/her/it’s shirt didn’t make it to the sweet Eagles 2006 tour shirt that I just got, Another late report Josh? I know. But ya boy has been busy on and off his own stages. Plus, I wanted the losers from the two undercards to forget about their loss, only to be reminded six days later in the hopes that they never come back. #thisisjustablog #arentweheretoroast
I do want to say one thing. Thank you for reading and supporting but also, use my recaps! I’d like to think I provide some meaningful analysis that can be used to help you in your battle. Some top roasters have intimated they used the archives to ensure their not repeating premises and others have told me the Report helps guide their roasting choices. I love making fun of people as much as anyone else involved with the show but I’d rather see an amazing product. So, before you battle, peruse the posts. Ask Jay Light, Pat Barker, me or most anyone else questions. I’m a meager 2-3 and ranked in bottom ten of the top fifty but I spend almost as much time with roasting as my own comedy. I’m happy to offer advice even if it means you’re doing the opposite to succeed. I promise it’s more than dumb bullshit. Although, I am wrong a lot. Now, listen to the pod and order some pot.
It’s time to review!
The first undercard featured two unprepared comedians and there was no victor as Jamario McClain and Ryan Reaves sucked!
There was no picture available for this match and that’s for the best. You can be sure as shit though that each wore a shirt that advertised their brand. For Ryan, it was Ryan Reaves Comedy(?). For Jamario, it was cocaine. It was a surprise battle! I always thought Roast Battle was a little like the WWE and I love the idea of a surprise battle but that no one knew about. But it seems like Jamario and Ryan didn’t know about it. Here are the things they said into a microphone.
RYAN ON JAMARIO
“You standing up here with that (inaudible) moustache that’s homo-dominant.” (checks notes, crowd jeers, comedian fades)
“Jamario can’t hold a job because he was born with one butt cheek and he keeps getting fired for doing half-ass work all the time.”
JAMARIO ON RYAN
“I did research on Ryan, He actually has IMDB credits where he plays Deadpool’s burnt penis. Y’all seen the movie. Y’ALL SEEN THE MOVIE!”
“Everybody in Hollywood has a look-alike. Ryan always gets Dr. Evil’s cat, Mr. Biggersworth. Y’all know the cat. Y’all know the cat.”
You know it’s bad when Haiti (0-1, 1 NC) thinks he needs to give you positive encouragement and Willie Hunter uses a megaphone to ask you to leave the stage. My recording of the match was about six minutes long. The battle itself was two and a half minutes and that was about two and a half minutes more than it needed to be.
????/???! It almost clogged the Poo Scale!
In the second undercard, I accurately predicted that no one would win and the crowd lost! Adi Gordon (0-2) and Steven Alan Green (1-2) choked big time.
I’m counting this as a win. In the preview, I stated it was likely that no one would win and as usual, I was right af. No winners produced through two matches? Unprecedented. Hope that ink is dry on those Comedy Central contracts. I thought Adi Gordon might take it. Adi, you are Adi Gordon now. The second O will remain because it’s like a zero and that’s how many wins you will always have. I hate to to be tough on the little guy but he had so much confidence backstage. He got his wish though. I’ll never compare him to Caesar Lizardo (1-2) again. It would be offensive to Caesar. YOU SEE THAT ADI??? YOU’RE MAKING ME DEFEND CAESAR! #pissed. The Sagman did his usual thing; waxed on and on in his setups and used the c-word to refer to female genitalia.
STEVEN ON ADI
“Adi reminds me of an Indian Clark Kent, because he grew up in Kansas which is ironic because his parents are constantly lying to the authorities.
Not to mention his genitals are from Smallville.”
“The last time Adi was eating out a woman, he was licking her cunt and he tried to light her tampon.”
YIKES. Steven is a sweet, old man. He’s shown he can win. If he’s ever allowed back, he just needs to repeat what he did to beat Al Bahmani (2-2). Adi did his usual thing; stuttered and bombed.
“You look like you preach Jesus outside of strip clubs you can’t even afford to get into.”
“You look like you molested nerdy kids because the popular kids were “too mainstream.”
These were the least terrible jokes. My computer just tried to replace “jokes” in the last line with “sentences” because they were that bad. Real quick, if you stumble over a joke, just bail. You can recover. I’ve seen it. Do not, under any circumstance, try to repeat it. Earl Skakel will suggest you try to repeat it but this he is setting you up. #thisisjustablog #thisisnteasy
????/???! Call the plumber.
In the Main Event, Alex Hooper (8-2, 2*) vanquished Leah Kayajanian (6-3-1, 1*) and reclaimed his top spot on the rankings!
*Indicates ranks before the battle. Ranks change monthly
“I don’t know which one I like more. The current photo of Dave Grohl or the current photo of Kurt Cobain.” – The Saudi Prince on Alex and Leah respectively.
Omg, thank you Alex and Leah. I was drowning in a sea of awful humor and this battle was just the life preserver I needed. THAT’S HOW YOU ROAST BATTLE! These two know how to make it a show. Leah nailed her pre show banter with Moses, as per uje. Alex rolled up to the stage with an entourage, gifts for Moses and a consent form for Leah. He also shares my belief that Roast Battle is like professional wrestling and had Coach Tea queue up the Undertaker’s theme song as his entrance music. Both of their jokes were hilarious and their stage presence was exactly what you look for in a battle performance.
LEAH ON ALEX
“You look like the Grinch who sold Christmas to buy meth.”
“Alex was an acting major in college…because someone has to play the ugly dude after Steve Buscemi dies.”
“Alex is so dried out, roasting him indoors is a fire hazard.”
“Alex was in the movie Mad Max. He played the drought.”
“Hey Alex, you won that staring contest in the 90s. You can go ahead and blink now.”
“You look like you’re constantly waving off rescue helicopters.”
ALEX ON LEAH
“Most of you don’t recognize Leah. Normally there’s a small man on her back whipping her to go faster.”
“You’re a beautiful Armenian woman. And an even more beautiful Mexican man.”
“Leah’s dad was a salesman and her mom is an eyebrow.”
“After this roast you can catch Leah on the patio, selling turquoise jewelry off a carpet.”
“Leah’s so disproportionate the clothes at Ross fit her perfectly.”
“Leah’s never dealt with rape. I mean she tried but he fought her off.”
Phenomenal. They both had one joke that didn’t land had hard as the rest. Leah’s happened closer to the end of the battle and that’s what probably lost it for her. I will never stop looking at Alex to see if he blinks or not. The inner woman in me related so hard to the “Ross” joke. I’ve only ever found one pair of pants I liked there but I digress. These two, along with Jay Light (7-6, 8) and Keith Carey (8-4, 4) are the gold standard for our game and should be treated with equal parts fear and respect.
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
All of the jokes that I posted for Leah and Alex. None of the other jokes from the other battlers were acceptable enough to make it on this list.
I am 101-68 in picks. Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email email@example.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.
WRITTEN BY LEAD REPORTER, JOSH WALDRON