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That’s right we’ve been cleared for footage! JOTN will now have a clip! In the biz we call that a tease. Roast was HOT this week. Look at the after vibe. Hallway packed. Tender moment between some hottie and that girl. Jersey Jimmy Neutron is on his phone but I bet you he’s texting how dope the Battle was. We had a bit of a comeback after last week was Meh City. I left underwhelmed. This week I was rocked out my seat several times. And sometimes it’s not even the battles that get you pumped.

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Look who showed up in his Tuesday best dress. None other than Boon Shaka Laka, local homeless merchant who knows nothing of the products he provides. Would sell you half of an unsharpened pencil or an original Banksy for the same price. Lit up the stage for an inspired performance of “Proud Mary”. And by inspired I mean spastically lip synced until Moses shut it down. Boon is a such a weird person. But he is there everyday and can put on a performance worthy of being on the stage of one of the best shows in one of the best cities for comedy shows. 

If you can get the big Roast Battle wheels turnin, then I do believe the “Crowd Mary” will keep on burnin. #didit

Anyway, I went 3-1 and it was a night and half. Let’s get to the reviews bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Our first battle was my only loss…but it was great! So I’m only half-upset. Maybe ¾ upset. But Jon Mitchell (1-0, ?) upset Yedoye Travis (0-1, ?)!

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“Tell me how my ass tastes.”-John to Yedoye here. (unconfirmed)

Is Moses texting? This was a great battle! Jon was better than expected and Yedoye was worse than expected. Yedoye had this weird aloofness about him, as if we came up to him on the street with this show he was in the middle of. But it worked. Yedoye had some dece jokes.

“You look like a Slytherin youth pastor”

“You look like a tall penis with feet.”

See? They’re ok. But they’re a little too generic. The judges and the crowd love specificity and absurdity and most of all, they want you to be straight up mean. His biggest laugh came from something about cutting him in half and age rings. I don’t have the wording so I’ll just leave that butchered attempt right there. Jon didn’t have any stinkers and one Wave-Shaker. That’s when the joke so good the Wave start wavin and take over the stage.

“Yedoye’s family is from Sub Saharan Africa; they would have loved to have been here tonight but they all died of Old Aids”

I also like jokes starting with their name rather than a “You”. Makes it more personal and it’s like making a case to the jurors on how much of a douche your opponent is. “Verbal boxing” is such an appropriate term for this sport. This isn’t just trading zings. There’s a science/technique to all of it. But that’s a discussion for another format. This battle was so close it ended in the rare undercard sudden death joke-off, which Yedoye promptly bombed.

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is what this battle gets. Bc I basically lost the pick on a mf’n coin flip.

Our next battle had Liz Stewart (1-0, ?) taking down Leah Knauer (0-1)!

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First thing’s first. I like to sneak in my tidbits of observation about how to be a good Roaster. The intros for this battle were DRIPPING with swag and one of the keys to a great battle is a great show. Coach Tea played a hot jam and the ladies knew what to do to get the crowd going. They had good chem between each other. Haven’t seen Moses get flustered the way he did when talking to Leah since Sister Iliza. Bit of a contro finish though. Love Liz. Great friend and comedian. But I thought Leah had this one. I think both of their jokes were on point. Neither missed a beat. I thought the crowd was SLIGHTLY louder for Leah, but Moses handed it to the judges who immediately handed to Liz. Then it was battle over, bring on Boon Mary.

“Liz Stewart jokes that she likes to role-play as Charles Dickens characters. Which makes sense because audiences come in with Great Expectations and leave saying, “That was the worst of times.”     

“Liz Stewart is an older comedian who’s going to be starting a family soon! I just think it’s sad that the only special she’s ever going to have is a baby with Down’s Syndrome.”  

Tag: On the bright side, that’ll be the first thing that’s ever come out of her that people will actually laugh at.
Tag: Guys, I’m just kidding. Liz is obviously too old to get pregnant.

Great, great jokes. The Great Photog said it was an epic night and that this battle had some of the best references he’d ever seen. And he sees a lot of comedy. Leah broke the rules at the end with the tags. Yedoye did too in the first battle. Leah got big laughs out of it, Yedoye did not. Both lost. Heed warning.

“Leah’s stand up is so bad, the Baltimore Police Department is now using it on protesters.”

“Leah, you squinty-eyed-Renée-Zellweger-before-she-got-surgery-looking-motherfucker, “You had me at goodbye."”

“Leah’s stand up is a lot like C-SPAN. You don’t know what you’re watching, but you’re pretty sure it sucks.”

“If Leah had as many punchlines she does strains of HPV; she’d be famous by now.”

This battle is fully deserving of all
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!

In our first main event that should have been our mayn Main event, Pat Barker (3-1, ?) demolished Alex Duong (2-2, ?)!

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“This looks like shitty Rush Hour.”-Steve Byrne, nailing it.

Pat, man. Did me proud. We spoke before the battle. He made a comment about something I’d written about him and we shared a laugh. Love that. Love you if you read. Even if you disagree with everything The Committee or I have to say. On to the jokes…

“Alex’s acting roles include ninja, dojo master, and samurai warlord. You’ve portrayed so many Asian stereotypes I’m surprised your lips match the words you’re saying in this battle.”-round 2

“I just don’t buy you as an Asian action star. Maybe you could get away with kamikaze, seeing as all of your pilots have crashed and burned.”-round 2

“If you ever do kill yourself, I can’t wait to read your suicide note. Mainly because it’s gonna come in a delicious cookie and have my lucky numbers on the back.”-round 2, JOTN nominee

“After this win, me and the Wave are gonna run a train on your girlfriend. I just need someone from your family to build the tracks for it first.”-round 3

Fuck, man. Hopefully Alex’s recently unbraced teeth are still around so he can be identified by his family. Alex had some light jabs.

“But they’re hard at work trying to give birth to an ice cream sandwich. Let’s hope it’s not chocolate.”-round 2

“But now they share the name Barker – which is also the sound Pat makes when his wife fucks him from behind with a real career.”-round 2

But nothing could save him. Except better jokes. Almost nothing could save him.

I give this battle
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. Pat deserves all 5 but Alex let down a bit.

Our mayn Main Event had Brendan Lynch (2-1, ?) dominating Dan Lawler (2-2)!

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Ooh boy was this a mismatch. If a picture says 1000 words, this one says “Dan Lawler Stood No Chance” 200 times. Brendan and his PBR were almost dumbfounded by Dan’s approach to the Battle. Listen. Dan is my buddy. But oh man did he no-show here. At one point, he had 7 straight jokes bomb. Those are Matt Lewis-ian (0-1, still banned) numbers. Dan hasn’t sent me any of his jokes and quite frankly, it’s for the best. Here are the jokes Brendan used!

“God that joke was awful. Dan, in college you were math major. Can you accurately calculate how many dicks you just ate?”

“Dan buys his Twitter followers. His followers are so fake Lena Dunham accused them of raping her in college.”

“You look like the host of "Man versus Food” after a horrible losing streak.”

And so it went. There were moments for sure. But it was mostly judges working cleanup so the show closed with some pop.

This battle gets
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JOKE OF THE NIGHT

As promised…a small window into the chaos that is Roast Battle. And this is just the start of the new content…

See you next week, folks.

I am 21-14 so far in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Tweet us @roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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