by Keith Carey, photos by Troy Conrad

This past Tuesday, the action in the Belly Room was all over the map. Bold victories. Crushing defeat. Jeremiah Watkins gargling a heaping mouthful of “fake” cum. Truly, you will never find another show that has this level of drama, passion, and again, just an aggressive amount of cum. Like think of too much cum, and then add 50 percent and you’re close. Gnarly. Let’s get into the recap!

In our first
battle, Ryan Higgins and Rusty Haynes go toe-to-toe in the battle for North
Carolina! 

Ryan takes
the stage first, his creepy eyes darting back and forth like a shark planning a
school shooting. The crowd starts to loosen up as he drops a backhanded
compliment in his intro, saying Rusty is very handsome and he’s here to prove
that “attractive people aren’t funny.” Bitter? Possibly. Accurate? Let’s find
out. Rusty takes the stage with a confident swagger that belies the hint of
nervousness in his eyes. With his musclebound body and “aw shucks” face,
Rusty’s vibe is comparable to a superhero that got bitten by a radioactive
Mormon. The bell rings and we’re off.

RYAN ON
RUSTY

“Rusty’s
parents named him after the coat-hanger he survived.”

“Rusty’s like
Chick-Fil-A. His only lovers have been illiterate cows.”

“Rusty’s
comedy is like his uncle that died of AIDS. Only his parents admit it’s a
tragedy.”

“When I hear
your name, I think of the Titanic. Not because of all the rust, but because of
all the dying.”

RUSTY ON
RYAN

“Ryan lost
his brother to cancer. He honors his memory by dying on stage every night.”

“Ryan’s had
two failed suicide attempts. Even death won’t book him.”

“Ryan got
molested by his babysitter and now his dick don’t work. Not Ryan’s, the
babysitter’s.”

“Richard
Pryor turned his childhood sexual abuse into comedic genius. Ryan, you got
fucked for nothing.”

Ryan’s first
joke hits very hard, while Rusty forgets his punchline on joke #1 and goes
scrambling to the notes, which is usually the kiss of death. But as the battle
continues Rusty’s material gets stronger and meaner, while Ryan’s jokes begin
to falter. By the end of overtime, it becomes clear that Ryan’s joke ordering
has become his undoing. Rusty takes the win, and we move into the second battle
of the night.

Next up on
the fight card, Will “Pig Snouted Inbred” Spring throws hands with Jordan
“Pretty Boy Bitch” Leer!

The crowd
gets hyped up as Jordan takes the stage to Justin Timberlake’s “Sexyback” which
prompts a Wave singalong that gets so many ladies wet, Frank Castillo is still
probably trying to dry off the chairs in the Belly Room. After some pre-fight
name calling, Will and Jordan start spitting jokes.

WILL ON
JORDAN

“When Jordan
jerks off, he uses Axe Body Spray as lube and wipes off with a Tapout T-shirt.”

“Jordan’s
been banned from two open mics. He’s so unfunny even open mikers are like,
‘Enough is enough.’”

“Jordan’s
girlfriend used to work at Flapper’s. When they had sex it was a five guest
minimum.”

JORDAN ON
WILL

“Will lives
alone, which is the same way he’s going to die.”

“I look like
a high school student, he looks like a high school shooter.”

“A lot of
people say Will’s last girlfriend was a prostitute. The truth is Will’s ONLY
girlfriend was a prostitute.”

This battle
is a masterclass in mediocrity. While there are a few moments of hope, in
general you can feel the swelling disappointment of the room as they realize
this one’s not going to come together. Imagine that feeling of lighting a
firecracker, waiting for the bang, and realizing it’s a dud, and you’re in the
ballpark.

“I think
it’s impressive that you convinced me to stay up this late to watch this
bullshit.” – Rick Ingraham, getting sassy while he waits for his insulin to kick
in

“I can’t
form an opinion right now. Thanks to Speed Weed, our sponsor, and
[unintelligible drug-addled mumbling].” – Ron White, descending into full
Boomhauer mode. 

“CRY FOR
HELP! CRY FOR HELP!” – The Wave

The crowd
demands a draw, mostly to spare themselves overtime. The room resets as Jeff
Ross takes the stage to film the intro for the upcoming Roast Battle television
show, and then we’re right back into the action.

In the third undercard, Austin Green
and Joey Barone have themselves a man-on-man catfight!

Austin Green
saunters to the stage and agrees to let the Wave smash, which prompts a pretty
aggressive floor-humping from Haiti. Keep pushing, Rainbow Nation, I think we
can get him! Austin is very quiet in his intro, which is always troubling, but
comes across likable enough. Joey Barone and his Robert DeNiro-ass cheek mole
come up next. Joey tries to get the crowd on his side by slamming Austin’s
improv background, but it falls flat and Moses cuts him down. The pre-battle
burn is a dangerous thing, and over or under preparing it can be disastrous.
The bell rings. Joey and Austin come out swinging. 

AUSTIN ON
JOEY
 

“Look at you.
Soft face. Nice smile. If I were into dudes, I’d fuck you. That’s not true. I
don’t do charity work.”

“Joey’s
comedy is so bad, police have been using it all over the country to subdue
black teenagers.”

“One day
you’ll be for stand-up what Michael Jackson was for music; somebody who got a
massive overreaction when they died.”

“Joey’s such
an Italian whore, if you want him to blow you all you have to do is cover your crotch
in prosciutto.”

JOEY ON
AUSTIN

“You look
like the official mascot for the friendzone. But seriously, look at this kid.
You look like you ride the shortbus to Hogwarts every day.”

“Austin’s
parents had him when they were 50 years old. It’s sad that they’ll die before
they get a chance to see him not make it.”

“Austin is a
self-proclaimed atheist. Yeah, I wouldn’t believe in God either if I looked
like McLovin’ with multiple sclerosis.”

“Austin
failed high school biology, which is ironic because he looks like somebody who
performed their own gender reassignment surgery.”

“Can we do
one less joke?”-Rick Ingraham

This battle
is fine. There are some clever ideas floated out, and the battlers are likable
enough, but some of these jokes are straight-up Russian novels. If there’s a
lesson to be learned from this fight, it’s the power of editing in taking a
joke from good to great. Joey’s jokes hit a little harder, and he takes a W.

Our final
undercard pits Alfred Konuwa against Tim Groeschel!

These Orange
County comics come prepared to do clean-up for a spotty night of undercards,
and they don’t disappoint. Alfred takes the stage first, a white-washed
behemoth who’s so likable he’s probably the only black guy who could pull a gun
on a cop and get away with it. When asked why he wanted to fight Tim, he
replies:

“I wanted to
see Tim on stage because I’m getting tired of seeing him on my front lawn.”

I’m still
trying to figure out if this is a KKK joke or a lawn gnome reference as Tim
lumbers into the ring. Tim looks like Dan St. Germain ate a shittier Dan St.
Germain, but he’s proven himself in battle before, and these two are ready when
the bell rings.

ALFRED ON TIM

“You can tell which Klansman Tim is by the spaghetti stains on his sheets.”

“Tim’s just mad because I’m the only Oreo he can’t eat.”

“Tim’s body says he locked for Marshawn Lynch. His beard says he lynched Marshawn.”

“Tim drew a blank in his last two battles. If my family is swinging from trees, how come you’re the one who keeps choking?”

“Tim looks like the plantation owner who couldn’t catch a walkaway slave.”

TIM ON
ALFRED

“Alfred looks
like the only slave who sells himself on Etsy.”

“I look like
I take tickets on the patio. You like you shoot people on the patio.”

“I’d be in as
good of shape as you if I had to get here by swinging through the trees.”

“Alfred
answers the age old question, ‘What if an Easter Island head was a person?’”

“Comedy’s
hard for Alfred, considering he’s only allowed to get 3/5ths of the laughs.”

Fierce stuff
on both sides. This battle gets heated, prompting overtime, and a couple
of out-of-regulation jokes get thrown in to boot. It gets so weird even Jeff Ross
feels like the racism is getting out of hand, but the crowd eats it up, including a particularly inspired OJ Simpson bit from the Wave. 

Moses declares it a draw. Tim and Alfred depart victorious, though not before
Alfred, at the urging of the crowd, does a killer rendition of the Carlton
dance. 

In a main
event that goes down to the wire, Dan Nolan barely edges out Leah Kayajanian.

The crowd is
ready to go as Leah Kayajanian takes to the stage. She, as usual, is played up
to the Foo Fighters to honor her now infamous back tattoo. Kayajanian lands a
strong punch before Dan’s even hit the stage.  When asked why she took the battle: 

“You know I
love working with the homeless.”

Dan comes up
to the hilarious – albeit, as Moses points out, technically incorrect – sounds of
Grandmaster Flash’s “White Lines.” After what can only be described as a
whimsical heroin pantomime, Dan endures some grilling by the judges. Rick
offers him clean needles if he wants to get back on the horse, while Jeff Ross
reminds the crowd that Leah is a champion, a fact this room will certainly
always remember. Ross almost seems to be dismissive of Nolan, despite his
daunting 6-3 record against some very strong opponents. Moses runs through the
rules, and we’re off and running with Round 1. Kayajanian takes the first shot. 

“You look
like if Bart Simpson aged in real time.”

“Leah’s got
small tits, but some people assume they’re fake as soon as they see her penis.”

“Dan, maybe
you should go back to prison so somebody else can pick out your clothes.”

“Leah
doesn’t get much work as a headliner, but at least her nose is a very prominent
feature.”

“Wow,
another nose joke. That premise is lazier than your stupid eye.”

“Leah plays
women’s basketball. The only way she’d do heroin is if she was allowed to shoot
it granny style.”

In an
unorthodox move, the audience is made into an official judge for the main
event. Rick Ingraham picks Dan, while the audience decidedly chooses Leah. Jeff
Ross breaks the tie, giving it to Leah. Kayajanian leads off in Round 2.

“I can’t
decide if Dan’s eye is lazy or if it’s pretending not to know him.”

“Dan and his
eye are in a contest to see who can work less.”

“Dan just
got a new job. I think it’s his first one since gas pumps became self serve.”

“In the
Armenian genocide, Leah’s family was completely incinerated. Leah only has
side-burns.”

“Unlike most
comics, Leah’s afraid to live on a couch because most of her ancestors were
raped by Ottomans.”

“If you’re
wondering what bathroom Leah uses, it’s actually a trick question. She usually
just shits on the newspapers lining her birdcage.”

Leah
stumbles a bit in Round 2, while Dan’s Ottoman joke detonates the room. He is
also aided by the Wave doing a bukakke act-out that gets the room worked up to
a fever pitch. 

Ingraham and the crowd quickly give it to Dan. Ross agrees, but
warns that Dan will “have a hard time coming back from behind” to beat Leah,
despite the fact that the score is tied. But no time for math, here comes round
3. 

“Leah looks
like what little kids think their sea monkeys grow up into.”

“Dan was on
heroin and impregnated two women. So I guess he injects poison into other
people’s bodies too.”

“Leah’s got
a lot of friends in the industry, but she’s not nearly as connected as her
eyebrows.”

“Dan reminds
me of an old man, because he’s losing his teeth and all his friends are dead.”

“Leah
pretends she has a really tight pussy, but it’s actually just her dickhole.”

“I could
never be a junkie because I’m as scared of needles as Dan is of toothbrushes.” 

Too close to
call. The crowd chants for one more joke. Jeff Ross tells Dan that he looks
nervous, but anybody who’s seen Dan fight knows that’s not nerves, he just
looks creepy as shit all the time. Overtime begins. 

“Dan, do you
dress like a little boy to trick your mom into loving you again?”

“I actually
find Leah very attractive. Does that make me gay?” 

Amazingly,
still too close to call. After some more deliberation, we move into double overtime. 

“I’m trying
to become a better person lately. Leah’s jealous that my transition doesn’t
require my hormones.”

“Dan looks
like the sound guy for every porno.” 

The judges
split, with Jeff taking Leah while Rick backs Dan. The audience has love for
both battlers, but ultimately ends up backing Dan and giving him the win. A
great fought battle on both sides, and another action packed night of verbal
violence in the Belly Room.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor LA SpeedWeed.

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