by Tony Bartolone

Who cares about the inaugruation? It’s taping week, folks. Roast Battle II: War of the Words is ready to rumble right across the street at the abandoned House of Blues starting this Friday. We’ve got one night in the Belly Room left before the Comedy Central cameras roll, and luckily for us, it looks like a hell of a night with seven battles, including a three-round main event starring two battlers who make their TV debut this Sunday on part two of the LA Regionals.

Three of the favorite Roast Battle big dogs will be sitting in VIP to
judge this contest. First off, we’ve got the Feared Ginger Beard, Mike
Lawrence. Mike Lawrence is the first ever World Champion of Roast Battle and
perhaps the meanest and most prolific insult-slinging comic in the game today. We’ve also got The Snide Sniper, Tony Hinchcliffe. And joining him is the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross. These dudes are
Roast Battle Royalty and there’s bound to be some great runs of dynamic digs
from this duo. As always, you never know who’ll drop in. Just a few weeks ago, Dave
Chappelle graced us all with his Wu Tang obsessed presence. With Jeff Ross
Presents Roast Battle three episodes in, the first LA episode having just aired,
excitement is raising to a fever pitch. Let’s check out tonight’s fights!

First
up, Dave “Nickelback” Neal steps in the ring for the 3rd time in a
month to fight Kelsey “Comedy Credits” Cook, presumably over who has prettier
hair. Dave’s battle last week against a different cute blonde female comic
served him his first lost in Roast Battle, and I hadn’t even heard of whoever
that was who beat him. Kelsey Cook is a legit comic with legit credits, but
Dave will be spitting fire to get the taste of defeat out of his mouth. Kelsey
has great potential, and is looking to establish herself as the best Roast
Battler in her sorority. If Dave plans on keeping his dance card this full, I
might have to pick him up as a free agent for Roast Battle Fantasy League.

Then we
see “Divorcee” Barbie Dahl put up her dukes against “Generic Muscle Rub Spokeswoman” Maria Delgado. These two are this week’s requisite battlers that I
know absolutely nothing about. They look like the kinda women who call
themselves divas to excuse their awful personalities. Come watch these Barbie
and Maria get their grooves back.

Things
start heating up with Eric “Super Jew” Abbenante trying to verbally disfigure Kevin
“Male Model” McNamara. Kevin is extremely good-looking and moderately funny. If
this were a male beauty pageant it’d be a no contest in his favor. But good
looks don’t matter in Roast Battle, so Abbenante has a decent shot at giving
this gorgeous asshole a run for his money. Last battle Eric won with the weapon
of racism, so it’ll be interesting to see how he fares against this
fair-skinned Hilfiger fuck.

And in
the battle for least liked competitor, Lou “Longshot” Varham goes blow-for-blow
with Kyle “Off The” Gridley. These two will lay it all on the line to see
who’s second-to-last place in charisma, charm and general hygiene. Lou somehow
pulled off a miraculous victory in his last battle by Fager-ing Tony
Hinchcliffe. Kyle, on the other hand, has been away from the battles for a
while, perhaps recovering from his loss to the still undefeated Albert Escobedo.
Word on the street is that Kyle is on the street. We’ll see if homeless can
beat homely in this bottom barrel brawl.

Next, things
get turnt the fuck up when Bryan “Rock’N’Roll” Vokey tries to serve Bruce “50
Shades Of” Gray his first loss and vice versa. This battle looks like it should
take place in truck stop restroom over some redheaded redneck named Baylee-Ann.
Or maybe it should take place over the last lump of corn pone at a family
reunion. Or maybe it takes place on a 1994 episode of Jerry Springer entitled
Kissing Cousins Springer Style. Or maybe it takes place on an episode of Cops
where Bruce gets a call for domestic disturbance and finds a bunch of meth on
Bryan. You get the idea, these guys look white trash af. But regardless of
looks, these are two of the brightest rising stars on the battle circuit and
two of the worst bodies, which is saying a lot. This should be furious fight of
tight chin shots and big body blows. 

Continuing
to kick it up a notch, Nat “Beta Male” Baimel will attempt to cross Nicole “The
Cannon” Becannon off his kill list in a one round bonus main event. Nat has
established himself as a force to be reckoned with in the Belly Arena. He has
also proved himself capable of roasting petite redheads with his last battle
when he tied Kayla Rosenberg.  Nicole
is one of my personal favorites to watch, most recently decimating Anne Flagg in
her maiden LA voyage. We can’t wait to see who comes out on top in this contest
of Jew Vs. Youth.

In our
huge main main event, Pat “Any Given Tuesday” Barker will attempt to pummel Connor
“McGregor” McSpadden into submission. This will be a barn-burner of a
slobber-knocker of an all out war. These two are arguably the most feared Roast
Battle bad boys. These motherfuckers are not fucking around. They leave the
frills at home, but deliver on the thrills. They come with hard-hitting
haymakers and perfectly placed uppercuts. This is not a dance of juking and
jiving, but a game of straight up punch-out. The only thing to really say is:
Be. There. Don’t miss this. 

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. 

If you live in Los Angeles, get your tickets now to see the upcoming tapings of Roast Battle II: War of the Words, which will take place at the old House of Blues – right across the street from the Comedy Store – on January 20th, 22nd, 24th, and 29th. Use promo code “thecomedystore” to reserve your seat.

Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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