While everyone headed out to the polls today, we all know the only voting that matters is cheering as loud as you can for your favorite comic at Roast Battle.
Our first confirmed judge, sure to be cracking jokes from the left side of the room, is Chris “Drama” Pfaff. Professional skateboarder and cousin of Rob Dydrek, you might recognize Drama from shows such as Rob & Big or Punk’d. Our other confirmed judge is none other than Jeff “Roastmaster” Ross, who just filmed his new show Historical Roasts with Jeff Ross coming soon to Netflix!
Our first battle pits KJ Robinson against Amy Jackson. This Roast Battle virgin suicide is hard dick energy versus making every dick hard energy. Amy is an Instagram model with over a million followers so you know she’s built a career using her education and personality. She looks like Brigitte Nielsen if she sat on a beehive and the swelling never went down. On the other side is KJ, who looks like Kevin Hart’s left testicle if it never dropped. He is from Michigan because only living near Flint could explain why he is SO thirsty. The pressure is real because if he wins, she has to be in his rap video and if she wins, he’ll let her say the N-word.
Our second undercard of the night is Cory Fernandez going against Kali. Cory is a Roast Battle virgin. He looks like he recently had a midlife crisis in line at a Taco Bell drive thru and then decided to become a UFC Fighter. Cory looks like he has DM’d Kali “Hi” every day for a year with no response and he’s about to snap. Kali looks like Bob Ross transitioning into his paintbrush. She reminds me of the girl in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Not because of the orange hair, but because we are all hoping to erase her last and only battle from our memories. It’s hard to know who I give the edge to here, but Kali was in Watsky’s music video for “Whatever”, and that song is fire! So, she has my vote. At the same time, her hair does look like our president and anyone who refuses to tell the world their last name is not to be trusted. That’s right Cher, I’m calling you the fuck out! Either way, these two look like the diversity hires at a hipster dispensary. Who will win?
Next up is Dean Peters and Ethan Stanislawski. It’s the battle between two dudes that have no remorse for smoking all of your weed. My question is… which guy uses “fighting bourgeois morals” as an excuse for being too lazy to shower more often? Ethan looks like Seth Rogan if he lived in his mom’s basement. He also looks like he has asked his cat if he can masturbate in front of her. I’ve pegged Dean as the dude that is either a hipster or a hobo, but you’re not sure which. I’ve also pegged Dean as a grown man who inexplicably spends all of his time in malls. I’ve also pegged Dean. I think he’s hoping we all forgot about his last battle but people don’t forget, Dean! It was so bad, he started doing improv. Roast Battle is more or less a competitive writing showcase. Without perpetuating the age-old rivalry between stand up and improv, it does seem challenging for “those people” to battle because improv doesn’t rely on writing. On the other hand: if there is one thing improvisers are great at, it is being challenged. Let’s see if they can “yes, and” their way into the crowd’s hearts or if the only scene they create is a comedy crime scene. I’m hoping we see at least one of them cry. I’m hoping it’s Ethan. I’ve already seen Dean cry a bunch.
Our next battle is against Todd Walker and Willie Simon. These two look like they’ve cried when they got busted for smoking weed in their mom’s Ford Taurus. Willie Simon looks like he just sneezed on a hooker he paid to give him a handy in the dumpster behind him in this photo. The bags under Willie’s eyes always set off the security alarms at Gucci when he goes in there to smell the high heels. Todd Walker looks like he once jerked off onto his chain wallet in a Warped Tour porta potty and cleaned it up using his Volcom t-shirt. It’s the battle between the little brothers that bug you at your friend’s slumber party. Both of these guys are members of the open mic comedy scene, frequent the Roast Battle shows to watch, and have done this before. That means they should know how it’s done but that hasn’t stopped people from failing in the past. Will they self-sabotage or rise above and roast to the death?
Our main event is between Quentin Thomas versus Isaac Hirsch. These two look like the waiting room of a Proactive commercial audition. It’s appropriate these two are battling on election day because they’re both currently running for student body fundraising officer. They look like they are arguing over who was locked in their locker for longer. Isaac looks like Captain America if instead of getting the super soldier serum, he got sent to a concentration camp. Quentin looks Screech from Saved by the Bell if he got really into Youth Group. He looks like he’s holding up two fingers in this photo after being asked how many human women he’s kissed (but one of them was his cousin, Sheryl). Who will win? Revenge of the Nerds or Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise? With quick-wittedness in their back pockets, these two are both sharp and creative comedic writers who stay present on stage. The W could go to either one. Either way, I’m going to “That’s So Raven” this right now and predict that this main event will be the best battle of the night.