The aroma in the air is that of pine needles clogging up your carpets and stabbing you in the feet. Our ears are bleeding from the same Christmas songs we are forced to hear on repeat every year. That’s right. The holidays are right around the corner, but the only things being roasted on an open fire are all these poor losers. I’m happy to report that Santa is bringing us some mind-blowing battles this week, and we’re always happy to be your nightmare before Christmas. Let’s get into it.

The judges present that will oversee the carnival of verbal carnage will be filled with very funny people that are sure to please. I’m happy to announce that panel will include Freddie Gibbs (rapper, songwriter, and possibly one of the most attractive men alive), as well as the laugh-out-loud hilarious Roastmaster himself, Jeff Ross.

Our first battle tonight will be Sam Brilhart versus Saul Trujillo. Sam looks like Pee-wee Herman when he got caught in that theater jerkin’ his turken’. He looks like he is about to explain to you why he voted for Trump.. or how he isn’t racist. In that sweater. You know what? Sam might be Jared Kushner on his day off. Saul looks like the fat guy from Lost if he started selling office supplies. He looks like he just got asked the general question “who farted?”. These two have battled before, and they’re still in the growth process of getting steadier footing in the ring. They’ll both hopefully step onto the stage better battlers than they were the last time… Or, they won’t, and we’ll watch and laugh.

Next up is Russell Ells going joke for joke with Ryan Nesen. Russell Ells looks like Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I mean that in the way that he almost positively lives in a sewer. Here he is wearing a bomber jacket, but the question is: is he bombing in that jacket? Ryan looks like Adrien Brody got on the World Series of Poker but then flipped the table over when someone asked him if he got a nose job yet. Also, that ring? Bold choice, my friend. Are you a Bond villain? These two have both proven their abilities in the past, so it should be a good battle. They also both look like they’re in the same fraternity arguing over which girl they get to roofie.   

Our next battle stars Jane Johnsen and Reid Brackenbury. Jane Johnsen looks like a photo of a murder victim they show you during a true crime documentary when they want you to empathize with the killer. She looks like a demon is trapped in her body and is trying to escape through her eyes. Like, the Exorcism of Emily Rose but the demon is her personality. Reid looks like TJ Miller if he got a job at Zumiez, or became an Oompa Loompa. This guy looks like he wants to sell you a skateboard out of the trunk of his Ford Fiesta. Here he is shown hypothesizing how he thinks you finger a girl. They both look like they exclusively drink out of red solo cups, but like, they wash them, and keep reusing them. They also both look like they’ve never changed a roll of toilet paper. They just leave it on top of the old one and wait for the maid to take care of it. 

Your first main event of the evening is Lou Misiano facing off against Heather Marulli. I cannot even express to you how excited I am for this main event. Lou is Roast Battle’s favorite heel, and has three miscellaneous ones laying on the floor of his bedroom. Joseph Gordon-Levitt trying to sell you a timeshare, I mean Lou, is often seen during battles kissing the hands of the women in the front row, or snorting cocaine off of a stool. His unpredictable theatrics excite you with the question: “what will this guy do next?” The answer: probably give a girl from the front row HPV. Here he is seen on a track, going for a run in a purple American Apparel shirt, trying to gain the endurance to rape somebody. Coming in at 5’11, Heather “Unruly” Marulli has been in the Roast Battle game a lot longer than Lou, and is fearless in her writing. She is one of your favorites to watch because she is relentless, and comes equipped with sharp rebuttals that turn her opponent’s jokes around on them. This photo makes you wonder: is she born with it? Or, maybe it’s Maybelline. Or, is it Big MAC Cosmetics? Both Lou and Heather perform their jokes with a cold callousness, and they’re both great sports, for people that have never played any. Lou is currently ranked at 33, and Heather is fighting to rise back up at 40. These two look like they met when Heather was holding onto Lou while climbing a skyscraper, and when she looked down, they locked eyes… To find out what happens next, you’ll have to watch the battle.

Your final main event of the evening features Joe Eurell and Toby Muresianu. If I couldn’t express to you how excited I was for the last battle, I am mute for this one. You are in for a treat. Joe “Cerebral ballsy” Eurell has the jokes of an out of this world expert and hands that say “girl, no you didn’t”. Joe has been on the Comedy Central Roast Battle, and is an absolute all-star player of this game. He’s currently ranked 11th and hopes to rise even higher. Pete Davidson if he got thrown in a microwave will be facing off against K-Mart Mike Birbiglia. Toby Muresianu was sitting pretty as the Belly Room’s number one battler for a very long time until he lost in a double-overtime slugfest against Alex Duong. Now, he is coming in at number 12, and I’m sure he wants to rise back up to number one. Toby is a joke machine, and we all have concerns he might be a robot. This is a battle you do not want to miss! 

So, get ready for some Santa-style belly laughs. If you’ve been good all year, laughing at these jokes will be sure to put you on the naughty list. Make sure to leave the kids at home and get ready for a Merry X-rated X-mas. See you there, pervs!

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