Another Tuesday gone, another delightful evening of Roasting in the books. We got a whole lot out of three battles, and much of that was thanks to the fantastic judging section. As is often the case, the Roastmaster General was in attendance to provide expertise and some sizzling roasts. The champion of Comedy Central’s second season of Roast Battle, Frank Castillo was there just three days after his wedding. I think he should have taken his wife’s last name, but that’s not the world he lives in, I guess. Finally, we had one of the funniest comedians in the world, Ms. Pat. These three were hitting on all cylinders all night long to compliment a strong evening of battles. And of course, Brian Moses, chant master Joshua Meyrowitz, Coach Tea, and The Wave were all there for the complete experience.
“We’ve got one solid battle, and the other two we’ll see what happens” -Brian Moses
The first battle of the night saw first timer, Salma Zaky, take on Austin Nasso. Salma was brought up first and Moses asks her why she’s battling Austin
“He’s already lost a couple battles, so I figured I’d give it a shot.”
Austin is brought up and reveals that they are in comedy club together at UCLA, which is very dorky and endearing.
“This looks like they’re going to hug before the battle” -Jeff Ross
Austin volunteers to go first and the battle begins.
“Thanks for being here, Tim Burton’s nightmare before puberty. Salma actually comes from a wealthy Middle Eastern oil family. Their biggest asset is her face.”
“Austin, you are almost handsome. Austin is like Prince Charming, but instead of going down on one knee, he got Downs Syndrome”
“Thank you cursed doll in almost every horror movie. Salma recently posted a picture online, on her social media. She did the thing where it’s like her and four of her closest friends, so that she can stick out as the ugliest person.”
“I feel like that doesn’t make sense. Austin is exactly like the CEO of Fyre Festival. The only difference is no one buys tickets to his shows.”
“Thanks so much Angelina Jo-leaking facial oil. I just wanted to say that, uh Salma your chest is, the only thing is… I’ve got this… no, no, no, no, no nu uh, nu uh, nu uh. The only think flatter than Salma’s chest is her child’s heart rate after it dies from malnutrition.”
“Finish him!” – Joshua Meyrowitz
“You’re the only white bro who ever got rejected from a frat. That’s like a date rapist who can’t get laid.”
Both had some solid pops, but Salma was more consistent and got a huge laugh off her “I feel like that doesn’t make sense” rebuttal.
“You lettin’ this virgin beat the shit out of you. She look like she don’t know what dick is.” – Ms. Pat
“Don’t get date raped, baby.” – Ms. Pat
“I can’t believe you let the decoy from To Catch a Predator whoop your ass.” – Frank Castillo
“The only thing flatter than Salma’s chest was that last joke.” -Frank Castillo
Salma wins all but one judge’s vote, and crushes the audience vote for her first victory, but Austin gets called really cute by Ms. Pat, so there were no losers.
In the second battle of the night, doppelgängers Mav Viola and Connor Hangsleben have a Highlander battle. Mav is brought to the stage first.
“Let’s hear it for this first lady… Not a lady, not a lady at all.” -Anonymous
“I am a lady.” -Mav
Connor comes up next and is asked why he’s battling Mav.
“I want Mav to stop appropriating straight white man culture. That’s what I want her to stop doing.”
A proud boys chant is started by the one and only Brian Moses. These are both first time battlers and it shows as they do not take a traditional approach to Roast Battle. Instead, what transpires is kind of like six conversations between them, that each conclude in one roast battle joke, give or take four roast battle jokes. Mav volunteers to go first.
“I just want to know, before we get started, what are your preferred gender pronouns?”
“Yeah, Trump assigned me those.”
“I’m glad you put your shit back on because those little transition scars were getting a little gnarly.”
“Mav is very gay, you can tell? – Mav, you’re gay, right?”
“No, I just —”
“No, you’re a big old dyke. Mav is so gay, RuPaul thinks she needs conversion therapy.”
“That’s very true, we did talk about that once. Dude you look like a fucking dude who would assault someone and genuinely, genuinely not know he did it. Afterwards, all like ‘Oh my god! Is that what happened? I’m so sorry. Oh my god.’”
“You look like me with fetal alcohol syndrome.”
“I’m so glad I didn’t follow through with transitioning because I took testosterone for one week, and I fucking got so much further along than you, dude.”
“Because that’s all it took was one week and you finished. You peaked.”
“Oh yeah? Well, let’s compare.”
“I think, you’re a grower not a shower, right.”
“No, maybe just a little bit.”
“Mav, I don’t know, this is pretty cool actually. She is married to the 2005 Playboy Inmate of the Year or whatever. When they go out, it looks like a 13-year-old going through chemo got his Make-A-Wish.”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what it is, and that’s better than anything you’ve ever gotten and ever will get. How does it feel to look like a 13-year-old who’s banging a playboy model that you can never get?”
“It feels like I have little bone marrow, that’s what I feel.”
“This is adorable” – Joshua
“It is? I think we like each other too much to roast battle.”
“Yeah, I think we do like each other too much.”
“Are you guys going to kiss or what?” -Jeff
“Once upon a time I would, you do look kind of like my Christian boyfriend that would dry hump the shit out of me. Like that’s basically as far as it gets for you, just a nice dry hump.”
“Yeah, that’s all it takes.”
“You’ve got some stains.”
“The female orgasm is a myth! Mav looks so much like a dude, I also think she’s good at stand up.”
“I like the he/she.” -Ms. Pat
“Which one?” -Moses
“I liked Mav. She looks more manly than you. She looks like she was going to take out her strap on and fuck the shit out of you. So, I’m going to go with the strap on bitch” -Ms. Pat
“You both look like you’re waiting for lunch money” -Frank
“What’s up with the twitchy shit, bro?” -Jeff
“I need my fix” -Connor
Ms. Pat and Jeff get sincerely concerned, they might still think Connor is a junkie. Mav got a big reaction on her testosterone joke, and Connor got a great pop calling Mav a big dyke. They honestly had enough laughs for a three joke battle, but would probably benefit from a little polish, instead of the stream of consciousness that surrounded most of the jokes. The judges split vote 2-1, but it’s up to the audience who are a dead tie. Half the audience chants one more joke, the other half replies no. Jeff calls it a draw:
“I don’t think they have one more joke.”
Our final battle of the night put Deirdre Devlin against Ashley Johnson in a battle of heavyweights.
Deirdre is brought up first and asked why she’s battling Ashley
“I always wanted to battle someone who moonlights as a bearded lady. So, here we are.”
This gets a nice pop, and the audience seems to notice a tone difference from the previous two battles. Ashley is brought up next
“Ashley, how you doing? White power, white power.” -Moses
“White power, white power!” -Ashley
“I’m in the club!” -Moses
“That’s right, he’s got a white card.” -Ashley
The crowd explodes at this interaction, and are fully engaged and ready for more. Moses asks Ashley why he’s battling Deirdre
“She said I could smash if I let her win. Now get ready for two mediocre performances, baby.” -Ashley
“If you win, I’ll let you eat my pussy, but that’s it…because I would let anyone eat my pussy.” -Deirdre
Willie mime-eats her pussy over her jeans.
“That felt good. His face really got in there.” -Deirdre
“Alright, let’s get back to the battle between you and Ashley, not the battle between Willie and your pussy.” -Moses
“That’s the main event” -Willie Hunter
Everyone is getting huge laughs and working off one another magnificently, the crowd is on fire as the final battle begins with Deirdre volunteering to go first.
“Ashley, you look like the first caveman who discovered sugar.”
“Deirdre is an Emmy Award-winning writer. So you see, ladies, you don’t have to be attractive to make it in this town. She drives a magic school bus full of stray cats to work every day. She still made it, what’s your excuse?”
“Really, an appearance joke? Ashley, you look like you shower in other people’s sweat. This is true, Ashley’s dad is gay, and he actually used to beat him. He’d hit him with an open jazz hand.”
“Deirdre has the body of someone I would fuck, and the face of someone I would ask to get an abortion.”
“Thank you abominable dough man. Ashley, you look like you have sleep apnea when you’re awake.”
“Deirdre’s dog once ate her pussy, but in the dog’s defense, he thought there was a piece of cat shit in there.”
“Dude, I like you because your beard looks like a black pussy… You’ve got to give it up to the gentleman who licked your vagina. You eat pussy that looks like it’s been walking around all day” -Ms. Pat
“I’ve worn these pants a few times too, so sorry Willie.” -Deirdre getting too real for the audience
“Damn Willie… boy’s got the gout now.” -Moses
“Deirdre, you look like you write porn… and Ashley looks like he does all the other jobs.” -Jeff
This was a great battle. Deirdre was consistent and hit with each joke, but Ashley was hitting home runs each and every time, with his last joke sending the audience in to a frenzy. Ashley takes a unanimous judge’s decision, but both battlers were highly praised.
Being such a short night, the powers that be decide to do something special for the crowd, and have the judges and two final battlers speed roast a person. This is obviously much more difficult than having weeks to write roast jokes, but that was balanced out by roasting a Canadian stripper with big fake tits and cornrows. Her name is Nikki, and she’s friends with Moses.
“What’s your stripper name, Rachel Dolezal?” -Frank
“You look like you listen to rap songs on instrumental and still say the n word” -Deirdre
“Did you tell the doctor you just wanted birthday balloons?” -Ashley
“You’re like James Franco if he was a life raft” -Jeff
“Can you call the doctor who did your tits to come do your hair please” -Alex Hooper
Everyone hits home runs, Nikki is a great sport, and that concludes another lovely evening of Roast Battle.
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