I wonder how many good dads read this. Regardless, happy Father’s Day, but that’s in the near past and we need to focus on the near future. What’s in the near future? Oh! There’s a Roast Battle at the Comedy Store in the near future, I guess I’ll write about that. Juneteenth is also in the near future, but my hands are tied, I’ve got to write about Roast Battle.

As usual it’s 2:43am on Tuesday (Monday if you have a self-indulgent perspective on time) and I’ve got to get this done because it’s a preview and it won’t make any goddamn sense if I do it much later. Also, I love doing it and live for this. We’ve got a short and sweet night of three battles, featuring three fresh new faces and three old shitty faces. I mean that we have three roast battle virgins and three seasoned veterans, they all have shitty old faces.

Like every Tuesday, we have some of the finest comedians in the world presiding over the battles from the judging section. Just kidding, no confirmed judges. But every week we get incredible comedians sitting in who weren’t scheduled to be there in the first place, and I’m sure tonight will be no different, so you know what? I wasn’t just kidding, I meant what I said at the beginning. Just to be clear, there are no confirmed judges and I take full responsibility.

Up first, is a double virgin sacrifice as Connor Hangsleben takes on Mav Viola in the battle of comedians who got showcased at The Improv before me. I hate them both. Unfortunately, this should be a very fun battle as they are both extremely funny and have defined styles that have the potential to play well on the Roast Battle stage. Mav has titanium ovaries; Her on stage fearlessness combined with strong writing should make for a formidable battler who won’t be shaken. Connor is an affable, gangly goofball with a commanding comedic style that can cut through the rowdiness seen in some Roast Battle crowds. Holy hell, I hate those fuckers.

This next battle is second whether you read left to right or like a Jew, as Austin Nasso is set to square off against Salma Zaky. Both of these battlers went to UCLA, which is supposed to be quite a school, tonight will be the real test. Salma is a first time battler, but a strong stand up with a lot of get up n’ go and the spirit of a lion. Austin has battled a few times, with mixed results, with his first battle being his best. He won his last battle, but it was against an Australian (a nationality I’m xenophobic towards) who used his laptop like a Speak N’ Spell to tell the jokes and no one could understand any of it. That has very little to do with tonight’s battle, but it was remarkably bad, hence the remark. Austin has had some solid jokes and shown signs of a strong battler. The transition to a great battler can be very sudden, either one of these battlers could be a star tonight.

In the final battle of the night, we have some winning experience as Deirdre Devlin takes on the figurative behemoth and literal large man, Ashley Johnson. Whether I’m high or not is frankly none of your business, but I had to check my spelling of Deirdre’s first name three times, that’s once every 2.333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 or so letters. That name is bizarre, the letters match the sounds alright, but they weren’t meant to be put in that order. It’s unnatural. Nonetheless, she has made quite a name for herself in a short amount of time, jumping out to a 3-1 start to her battling career, coming off an impressive win over Josh Waldron. Ashley Johnson will likely be the toughest opponent she’s faced to date, an opponent who has no interest in being a step on someone else’s ladder to the top. Johnson has torn down many a starry eyed, cock-sure battler on his own pathway to a formidable 7-2 record. He was most recently seen besting the veteran, Quentin Thomas. Both battlers are gifted writers, who have brought big laughs to the Roast Battle stage. Ashley has proven himself time and time again, and should be seen as the favorite against almost any battler outside the top 20. Deirdre is no slouch and she’s eager to keep proving herself. This battle is sure to be a ton of fun with well matched styles, strong writing, and plenty of roastability. You’d have to be a complete and utter moron to miss it.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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