So the show is supposed to be too good for weird, right? We always say that. But oh man did this one test the limits. Like wtf is going on in this picture? Jeremiah is doing his thing but that man in the middle is way over-coated for upstairs in May. I’m pretty sure I’ll never know the guy on the left as anyone other than “buttplug guy”. And the hats…why were there so many hats?
I count 6 hats in this picture, 7 if you include that crazy, unexplained clown light. Star-studded Balcony tho. Cool to see Rich Vos! I used to listen to Howard Stern with my dad which led to listening to Opie and Anthony on which Vos was a regular guest. So many questions for him! Is he Bobby Slayton? I guess that’s it. Stephen Merchant, British comedy legend, stopped by!
“Truthfully, I wasn’t ready for this level of vulgarity.”-Merchant, finally bringing a little class to the estab. #pinkyup
And the real star of the night…Sarah Tiana’s hat! You might think it’s just a regular hat, one you could wear when picking sunflowers or as the female lead in some Nicholas Sparks trash, but this week it was a HELMET OF INSANITY as it led Tiana (3-0, 2) to crazy, never-before-heard of analysis and critique. But we’ll get to that later. You see that record next to Sarah’s name? The Committee saw fit to separate headliners into their own Headliner Ranks! Our Headliner Champion? Only Jesus Trejo (3-0, 1), last seen taking the Golden Pony (1-1, 4) to the glue factory. Hopefully we can stoke some competitive flames and get some of these big timers in the ring.
And now…on to these previews brush! That’s what autocorrect wants me to type. But that would be silly…bruh.
Our undercard covers the mediocre part of our headline, as Al Bahmani (1-0, 66) took down Jamario McClain (0-2, 94)!
How did Jamario lose this. Look at Al. He is a caricature of a stereotype that wasn’t deemed authentic enough for Slumdog Millionaire. Hey Al, 1979 called. It said “thank you for taking that jacket.” So pissed I lost the pick here. Remember I said I’d regret it? I do. Anyway…here are the jokes(?).
AL ON JAMARIO
“JaMario likes his women like he likes the tires on an old school Cadillac; Fat & White.”
“He’s not the only McClain to Die Hard on stage.”
I feel like Al is telling jokes is actually Al making statements and hoping they had a setup/punch. The “Die Hard” one isn’t bad but Al has less charisma then one of the creases in his oversized pants. I’d like to take this time to remind everyone this Report is written in the spirt of the show, not to be taken personally and you should never compel you to confront me at the Hollywood Improv in front of everybody. But seriously Al, you won by the skin of your neck beard. Oh and Jamario?
JAMARIO ON AL
“Al looks like a retarded mix of Andy kaufman & Fedal Castro!”
“Al"s was suppose to be a Suicide Bomb, Get 40 virgins not bomb as a 40 yr old virgin.”
“Al looks like Jeff Globlum if he was melting.”
I copied these just how he sent them to me. I don’t know why it’s so funny to me he “exclamation pointed” the first one. The last one is actually pretty funny but no one was on Jamario’s side at this point.
I give this ? /? ? ? but seriously only because there isn’t a half one and it only barely doesn’t get a zero.
Alright, now on to one of the weirder Mains in history, Omid Singh (5-3, 8) took down Keith Carey (4-1, 9) and also took home the OC Crown!
Another week, another black shirt for Moses. This was so controversh! I mean Jeff Ross started us off with some good zings but after that I can’t even begin to tell ya. Tiana went nuts with criticism no one understood. Mandel plugged Barmageddon like it’s battery just died. The Shoehorn struck again. Let’s just get to the jokes. Then you tell me what’s what.
OMID ON KEITH
“Keith is bisexual because he’s never seen his genitals.”
“You can catch Keith this summer, wearing his t-shirt to the pool.”
”There’s an old saying about Keith, every time he opens his mouth a chicken loses its wings”
“Keith started doing comedy because he heard he’d get Snickers.”
Now here’s where it gets loopy. Tiana was not a fan of Omid’s joke writing. Said he needed more setup. Um, for this show the person is the set up? Welp. She got booed. I don’t know if that’s right but I do know her crazy judging, judging that would make Iliza wonder why Sarah won’t just chill, set up for the wild finish. Here are Keith’s jokes.
KEITH ON OMID
“Omid, you mediocre fuck, with jokes like that you should change your stage name to Al-Kinda.”
“Omid had a bit part in the Academy Award winning film “Argo.” It just proves that if you want your movie to win an Oscar, you’ve gotta have a retard in it.”
“Omid is recently single. He has a hard time dating because women don’t find him nearly as charming as snakes do.”
“Omid smokes more weed than anybody I’ve ever met. The only middle eastern person who gets stoned harder than him is a woman with an opinion.”
Just noticed a lot of his jokes involved the name of his opponent. Omid’s too. Take notes, fools. Speaking of notes…mine have Keith winning the first two rounds. Although one could argue Omid might have won had Tiana’s Hat hadn’t capped her ability to judge joke writing. Here’s where it gets dicey. In the past one could lose the first two rounds, win the weighted third round, and force a 4th round/OT/Sudden Death. We go back and forth on if this applies. Sometimes it’s clear a third round isn’t necessary. Sometimes we ask Jeff or the audience. Somewhere in the madness, it was thought Keith won because of his taking the first two rounds. Some may have thought the third round was played for funsies and wouldn’t affect the decision. But alas, it was not. Omid won the third round, and then took the OT. And a writer’s face was saved in picks.
I give this battle ? ? ? /? ? ? ? ?. Sarah’s Hat gets /? ? ? ? ?. That’s right. Not a single flame emoji for that hat.
JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“You can catch Keith this summer, wearing his t-shirt to the pool.”-first round killer, plenty of setup.-Omid, 1st round.
See you next Tuesday, folks.
I am 27-17 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us roastbattle or email [email protected] for questions/concerns/other stuff.