by Richie Gaines

The first battles of June are upon us! Seven fights are on the card for this action-packed night, including a double main event featuring four of Roast Battle’s brightest rising stars. But before we get to know our battlers, let’s meet the judges.

Mean boys in the building tonight! Who are the Mean Boys?
You’re so stupid. It’s Connor McSpadden and Keith Carey! Back before these two were on the
Comedy Central show, they historically roasted Dave Chappelle all night from
the haters’ table. If Connor and Keith aren’t afraid to tell Dave to “go back
to Africa,” I can only imagine that the feelings of their peers they set to
judge tonight mean less than nothing. Joining these two is porn star Chrisitana Cinn, seen here prepping for the all-male screening of her Wonder Woman porn parody. Although not a comedian herself, a quick scan of her social media shows that she is almost as big of a fan of comedy as she is of squirting, so her presence will definitely be appreciated. Rounding out the panel is Big Jay Oakerson, a New York native but one of our favorite judges when he can make it to the Golden State. Big Jay is a regular judge at The Roastmasters at The Stand, so we’re glad he’ll be sitting in here tonight slinging that East Coast heat.

First up is Arthur Hamilton versus Kal Hamilton. I don’t
know much about these two, but I will say this: They are both black men. Black
guys have had a rough time historically at Roast Battle. In one sense that’s a
bummer, but at the same time the search for the black Pat Barker or Keith Carey
has been on for a long time. That’s not to say there are not black males who’ve
had success on the show – Jerron Horton and Jamar Neighbors, for example – but the numbers lean
strongly on an the side of losses for black male battlers.

From a battle of two young men with potential, we go to a battle between old nobodies as Steven Alan Green takes on Adam Gropman in the second
bout of the night. I actually don’t know Adam well, so he could be great, but
everything about Steven is questionable. Everything from his Facebook posts to
his Paid Regular status – everything is up in air with this guy. Even so, he
keeps coming back. Who knows? Maybe whatever he did to get his name on the wall
will flashback back from the past and we’ll see a turn around from this sad,
sad man. More than likely Steven will remind himself what it feels like to be
“Dyin’ up here” once again.

The third undercard is Heather Marulli versus Lou Vahram. I
have had the pleasure of following both of these battlers Belly Room careers
quite closely. Heather is simple: she has shined and failed in the belly room.
Both these battlers can write a joke. If Lou can manage to follow none of his
instincts and just say his jokes he could take down Heather. Hopefully Lou
watched Bill Maher this week and learned how ugly it can get when you go off script… I hope that was his take away at least.

Next up is Andrew Yanker versus John Pridmore. These two
have never battled before, but I see potential for greatness here. I envision a
world where John Pridmore, the pride of gay Eastside depression, is full of life
and cheer! And Andrew, a white male, but by God he’s more than just a white
male! He’s a… uh… I just hope this battle doesn’t suck. Both of them have never
done this before. 

Last undercard of the night is Jasmin Leigh versus Sarah
Keller. Both these ladies know how to put on a show. This should be a very
entertaining battle. They are both born performers with plenty of battle of
experience. If their writing matches their stage presence this could be one of
the battles of the night.

In our first of two five joke Main Events is Galina Rivina
versus Robbie Goodwin. Robbie getting a Main Event is long overdue. He’s
undefeated. Galina may be the most seasoned battler Robbie has faced, however,
so his work is cut out for him. Galina’s last battle was a little dry, but
other than that night, she has been a consistent killer. Galina is pro at
battling men, but Robbie isn’t your average battler. He has a lot of
personality, is very goofy, and could very well throw energy Galina’s way that
she has not yet experienced on the Roast Battle stage.

Our final match of the night is our second Main Event: Caesar Lizardo versus Jacob
Trimmer. Jacob proved himself in his last main event. He was an underdog who
came in and destroyed. We’re all looking forward to seeing him potentially do
it for a second time. Jacob is definitely an potential up-and-coming star in
Roast Battle. Caesar has also been putting on a solid showing as of late, rebounding from a 0-2 start to rack up five straight wins, and looks to make more of a splash in his first main event and continue his ascent through the ranks.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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