This dick-ass looking dyke is back! Woo! Shout out to Jay Light for the excellent coverage last week. Shout out to Valerie Tosi who looks like the Wendy’s girl got left at the altar and then ate only Wendy’s. There’s one I left on the cutting room floor. I probably got made fun of more last than any other time in my life. #monorail. But it was also the most fun I’d had in my Roast Battle life. I can’t stress the importance of roasting the ones you love. It made me feel good about how proud Valerie was to win her first battle. Thank you to Moses and the Comedy Store for providing a place for comics to grow together. One last shout out! You! The reader! The crowd! With every fist pound/bro hug/good bit I got after the battle, my desire to keep writing this report and my desire to roast more people grew stronger. Alright Josh, now you’re just being an emo douche. So, if you can read this, challenge me! I don’t know when I’ll be ready to roast again but it’ll be nice to know who’s down. Check the pod. Check the pot. Let’s get down to biz.
If you only had these to pictures to judge off of, you might think that it’s Ginger Night at the Roast Battle. Mike Lawrence is one of this writer’s favorites. He’s a virtual lock for the Roast Battle Hall of Fame. Be sure to check his podcast “Nerd of Mouth” and his comedy album “Sadamantium”. Try to see him live if you can while he’s in town. He’s hilarious and just crushed his debut Hella Show set. The Walsh Brothers have the perilous task of trying to out-comedy duo the Sklars. Geez, March is “broads month” right? Where are the comedy sisters? And I’m not talking about Leslie Jones and Tiffany Haddish. Their show “The Walsh Bros. Great and Secret Comedy Show” is really great and really secret. Like so secret that I didn’t know it existed. And finally, we have the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. He’s the driving force behind the KILLTONY podcast and has an excellent new special called “One Shot” on Netflix. Much like the Roast Battle, the excitement young comedians feel after a successful stint on Tony’s podcast is a sight to behold. Sure, he might roast your pants off but it’s a worth it for the experience and knowledge you’ll get from some of the comedy’s best minds. #twooutoffive. And, of course, Jeffrey Ross Lifschultz will be coming back. Hopefully, he’s still bald.
In the first undercard, Steve Lee breaks his cherry against Joe Eurell!
Welcome to the Make A Roast Battle! SOMEONE GET THE RAMP! This will be the first battle that has only four out of eight working limbs. If we don’t get some sort of image award or equal rights recognition for this battle then I don’t know what will. Steve has an uphill battle made even harder by the fact that he walks with crutches. Joe is a veteran battler and will be looking to win the gusto after losing his last two battles. The pick is Joe.
In the second undercard, Tony Alfano takes on Matt Cole!
I am stoked af for this battle. Tony Alfano has been nothing but decent in his battles. Read about his last one here! Matt Cole has been nothing but unimpressive in his battles. I would link to it but it’s no one needs that kind of sadness this early in the day. Matt is a good friend but hasn’t had a good moment in Roast Battle yet. His best moment so far is giving Olivia Grace her debut. This is easily the fattest battle we’ve ever had. We might have a metric ton on stage tonight. Sorry Matty, I’m going with Alfano. Full disclosure I thought he was Bartolone the whole time. Thank god for edits.
In the third undercard, Courtney Banks is set to battle Caesar Lizardo!
I love the “last name” storyline in this battle. Courtney’s distant ancestors might have run the first banks! Caesar’s were…lizard people. Last time Court was here, she had a controversial loss to Lindsey Jennings. She’s also often seen hanging about with Thunder Dan Nolan, who we’ll get to later, but she’s probably learned a great deal on how to roast. Caesar is a nice dude. I like him. But he has somehow managed to be the most unlikeable person to ever grace us with his presence. He’s the only person to not a get a single vote from the crowd in an undercard. It’s a impressive a little. I’m sure he’ll make a narcissistic reference to himself being attractive. I’m sure he’ll make an ill-advised attempt to roast Tony or Earl and will get demolished. I’m sure Courtney will get this win.
And in the Main Event, Alex Duong will lock horns with Thunder Dan Nolan!
This should be an all-timer. I’m always wrong when I say that but who cares really. Dan is one of the best roasters we have despite a stumble or two in recent battles. Alex is a fierce roaster in his own right. He doesn’t really bomb and was a part of the show’s only freestyle roast against Tom Goss. That was one of the best moment’s the show has inspired and Tony is back tonight so we could get a repeat. Alex always dresses like an Asian person who’s never been to America but read an Asian blog on how to dress like cool American. Dan somehow has a shirt with his name on it from every auto shop in the country which will help him whenever his sponsor decides it’s time to give up comedy and find a real job. I love these two. I love Roast Battle. And I love Dan to win this battle.
I am 95-63 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.
WRITTEN BY YA BOY JOSH