Welcome back to the show! Finally, a week without back to back reports. We’ve had some time to digest last week and now that it’s gone through our system and we crapped it out, it’s time to ingest another week of roast. Only two fights on the docket tonight. Maybe, just maybe, we’ll get out before 1:15. Check the pod. Check the pot. And check out this babe right here.
This is my friend Valerie. She is my next opponent. Why Val? Well, I felt like destroying something beautiful. But none of those girls were down so I had to settle for this 5. Her boyfriend probably came to a similar realization shortly before agreeing to date her. I just wasted my best two jokes. For real though, Valerie is an awesome person and funny comedian. She runs some great shows and open mics and is a wonderful and crucial member of the comedy scene. We only roast the ones we love and I can’t wait to roast this lovely lady next week! Verbal Violence’s own Jay Light will be covering the night along with a guest reporter from the Roast Report! Exciting stuff!
Let’s welcome back Ari Shaffir to the VIP! Ari’s a VIP around comedy right now with his show “This Is Not Happening” airing on Comedy Central. The episode tonight has Kurt Metzger and Jim Breuer, so set your DVRs and watch it as soon as you’re home from the battle. Speaking of Kurts, Braunholer is back! He is the host of The K Ohle with Kurt Braunholer and co-host of the Hot Tub show along with Kristen Schaal. Can’t wait to see the zings/analysis he brings this time! Al Madrigal is one of my favs. Not only is he a fellow son of NorCal, he’s also one of the founding fathers of All Things Comedy. He’s always super funny but always super serious about his responsibilities as judge. Brian Baldinger is a former NFL lineman and current mediocre football analyst. I’m not sure what insight his experience will provide the show but I’m excited to see him. Follow him on Twitter! He’s funny!
In the first and only undercard, Sean Meyers is set to take on Brendan Woodruff!
Alright guys, we need you. I know you’re rookies and it was hard to find a photo of either of you with a microphone but you’re setting up the whole show. No presh but everyone you could ever hope to be a peer will be watching/judging. Also, there will be actual judges. Sean has a sweet Triforce shirt but I don’t think that will be enough. Brendan looks innocent and terrifying at the same time and his presence alone should encourage you to walk with someone to your car. I think Brendan wins but I am wrong all the time.
And in the Main Event, Jeanne Whitney will be battling Michael Schirtzer!
This should be a great Main Event. Since there’s only one other battle, the crowd should still be hot from a performance from Regan and Watkins or Boon or Jeff Richards. Jeanne is great. She was my first choice to roast before asking Valerie. She’s very funny and writes great roast jokes. Then there’s good ol’ Schirtz-Dog. Love this guy. The question as always…does he try to bust a rhyme before the show? I have two opinions. As his friend, I suggest he does not, as his last few attempts have been less than stellar. As a fan of the show, I very much want him to rap so Coach Tea and the judges have the chance to demolish him with drops/zings. The pick is Jeanne and I am right all the time.
I am 95-63 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email email@example.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.