It’s been a while since I’ve had a reason to do a Battle Spotlight but this week is as good as any. Here we have Jamar Neighbors regurgitating into a baby Jeremiah Watkins. A young Jeremiah needs to eat a lot to survive but is incapable of acquiring gummy worms on his own. It’s just another example of Jamar helping the show. He’s a founding Negro Wave member and you might forget, a really good roaster. His battle against Joe Dosch was one of the best. In addition to these things, he’s a funny comedian. He released a new comedy mixtape with Coach Tea and you should listen to it now. Like, right now.
Wasn’t that great? Hey, while you’re on the site you should listen to the pod. And while you’re supporting us, you should order some legal medical marijuana. #plugcity
In the first undercard, Jesus Erra made short, easy work of Darran Davis!
“This looks like a bus stop.” – Earl Skakel
“The one had good jokes. The other one didn’t…the one that looks like George Wallace with AIDS.” – Rich Vos
This was a great start to the night. Jesus sure did his
Mexican Guatemalan Cuban heritage proud. Racism is a major ? to not only life (Earl’s words, not mine) but dominating at Roast Battle.
JESUS ON DARRAN
“I don’t blame Darren for his dimwitted jokes. I blame his mother, for drinking Hennessy during the pregnancy.”
“Darren is what you call an urban sundial. You can always tell what time it is in the day by looking at the ashiness of his skin.”
For some reason, people keep challenging judges. Jesus tried to roast RIch Vos and Rich shut him down. Darran, to his credit, had one joke hit but that’s all.
DARRAN ON JESUS
“Jesus is so dirty after he takes a bath he donates the water to flint Michigan.”
“Jesus thinks by sucking dick he’ll get TV credits but it’ll only be on Telemundo.”
Tough stuff bud. Get a little meaner and a little funnier next time and maybe you can snag that W.
In the second undercard, Terrence Newman fell to Robbie Goodwin!
“Look at his eyes; was somebody in your family fucking owls?” – RIch Vos
Officially, I was wrong about this one. I picked Terrence but I knew the King of Burbank wouldn’t let a mayor take his crown. His jokes were racist and funny and he looked like he was having fun up there.
ROBBIE ON TERRENCE
“Terrence auditioned for the movie Radio but they said he looked too retarded.”
“Terrence is so white inside he only picks cotton if it’s organic.”
Bert Kreischer would declare “organic cotton” the joke of the night but that “Radio” joke is pretty spot on. Terrence wasn’t awful? He helped ensure the battle was a good show but it was more because the judges were as disappointed in his raggedy white t-shirt as I was.
TERRENCE ON ROBBIE
“Robbie Goodwin’s a spoiled brat okay. They bought him an education for Emerson, they bought him an apartment in Los Feliz, they brought him a brand new BMW. It’s a damn shame they couldn’t buy you talent.”
“Robbie looks like such a bug-eyed tweaker that even if I was wearing a hoodie at night, they would still shoot you first.”
Wow, i think that first one is still going. As the Haters might say, it could use a little more setup. Terrence seemed to be a good sport about giving Robbie a win and their post-battle hug seemed genuine.
??/???! A special scale for Robbie!
In the third undercard, Heather Marulli got her groove back against Ernie Stone!
“Hey, when you came, did you say ‘Fee Fi Fo Fum’?” – Vos again.
“Guys, will you be quite and let Roseanne Low-Barr finish?” – Earl Skakel
This was one of my favorite battles of all-time. Will it get nominated for Roastie? Only time will tell. But this battle had more humanity within it than any other before. A man’s Facebook is dead and gone!
First Doug Fager’s standup career and now Ernie’s social media profile? The bodies are piling up! Heather started us off hot by admitting she’d let the Wave smash which caused Haiti to fashion himself into a giant Haitian dildo. Fun, fun stuff. It was so awesome to watch Heather. Everyone roasted her and she laughed with us at each burn. We’ll get to her but let’s hit up Ernie’s side first.
ERNIE ON HEATHER
“Heather’s voice is as hoarse as her face is.”
“Heather would have respectable acting career if her tits didn’t join SAG before she did.”
The jokes aren’t even that bad. But the crowd and the judges ran to be on Heather’s side for this one. As Annie Lederman put it, she “took back the night”. #bestline
HEATHER ON ERNIE
“Ernie keeps trying to say that I’m ugly, but we hooked up and I couldn’t hear him say that when his face was buried in my pussy.”
“Ernie, you’re a sad, boring Jew who tries too hard to be smart. Your stage name should be En-kike-lopedia Frown.”
Oh man. When she hit that “buried in my pussy” line, I felt it. I think we all did. I can just see Heather in a montage set to this song as she was writing these jokes for Ernie. I just wanted to hug her and drop a hard “you go girl”. Best of luck to Ernie in his future endeavors although I advise everyone to be on the lookout for a friend request from Bernie Stone. It will most likely be Ernie in a fake mustache trying to start anew.
???/???! All for Heather since Ernie doesn’t exist anymore.
Casey Ley overcame adversity in the final undercard against Sofiya Alexandra!
There was a woman in the crowd who was not feeling it. I watched her not enjoy every single moment. It wasn’t a specific joke that offended her. It was EVERY joke that offended her. But she sat through the whole show??? That’s the allure of Roast Battle. You might be upset by every word that’s uttered but you can’t turn away. We welcome all races, genders, religions with open arms and now we can check “the terminally ill” off of our list of participants. Casey was the proudest diseased person I’ve ever encountered and more power to him.
CASEY ON SOFIYA
“Sofiya’s nose is so big she can still smell her relatives in the crematorium.”
“I am gay but that’s not why I won’t fuck Sofiya. She’s gross. I wouldn’t fuck her with Hitler’s microdick.”
The judges suggested it got a little uncomfortable but I think it was fine. Casey made jokes about his AIDS and laughed at jokes about his AIDS. Sofiya had great bits but they fell just short of being able to overcome Casey.
SOFIYA ON CASEY
“Casey’s dad is a doctor who has a lot of patients. Just not for his tiny faggot son.”
“Casey looks like a member of One Direction, except his direction is an early grave.”
This is why I love Roast Battle. It’s just a couple of friends with a microphone making fun of people with horrible diseases. LONG LIVE ROAST BATTLE. At least longer than Casey. #toofarjosh
And in the Main Event, Guam Felix squeaked by Becky Robinson!
This battle was all over the place. First, Becky va-voomed her way to the stage in a little red dress, dropping a few jaws in the process. Then she revealed that she let a member of the Wave smash the other night!
Who do you think it was? Willie? Jamar? Haiti? Jeremiah? Find out next week on “Did The Wave Smash?”! Given Jamar’s recent success and Adonis-level body I think we can safely say it was not Willie. There should be a Clue game to figure out who smashed. It was Haiti in the hallway with his pipe! After that settled, Guam rolled up to ring looking like Sum Phat Gi and was accompanied by Jackie Chun-Li.
There was a lot of hootin’ and hollerin’ through the course of the battle and that helped make it our longest Main Event this year. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Let’s get to their jokes.
GUAM ON BECKY
“Becky’s pussy is so fat it has sleep apnea.”
“If you put Becky’s titties in the oven, it would make flatbread.”
“She is so boring, when she plays with her pussy her fingers fall asleep.”
“Becky’s pussy smells so bad she uses peppermint tampons.”
“Becky dates black guys; there has been more black hands Inside of her than the buckets at KFC.”
Say what you want about the rest of his jokes, that “flatbread” joke was excellent. None of his other jokes made sense which is probably why the crowd wasn’t on board. Despite all of that, he still won. He owes Bert Kreischer something for helping him. He kept pointing out how little sense Guam’s jokes made and decided that alone should get him the win. This is Becky’s to lose and while her jokes were fine, something was missing.
BECKY ON GUAM
“Just looking at you is making my pussy dry up so fast I feel like it’s in rice.”
“Guam was recently hired by the Comedy Store to work the patio. They needed a huge, fat target in case the shooter comes back.”
“Your braid is so greasy if I rung it out I’d have just enough moisturizer for every elbow in the Negro Wave.”
“Guam lost his virginity to a bowl of Pad Thai.”
“Guam sent me a list of facts about him and one was ‘I haven’t had a gf in 11 years and I never get laid’. I’m so glad you told me because when I met you my first thought was ‘damn THIS DUDE FUCKS’.”
Tough stuff, Beck. At least you got that dick tho. ???!
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
Everything Rich Vos said.
“I don’t blame Darren for his dimwitted jokes. I blame his mother, for drinking Hennessy during the pregnancy.” – Jesus Erra
“Terrence is so white inside he only picks cotton if it’s organic.” – Robbie Goodwin
“Ernie, you’re a sad, boring Jew who tries too hard to be smart. Your stage name should be En-kike-lopedia Frown.” – Heather Marulli
“If you put Becky’s titties in the oven, it would make flatbread.” – Guam Felix
“Guam lost his virginity to a bowl of Pad Thai.” – Becky Robinson
I am 95-63 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.