Helluva Tuesday last Tuesday. Saturday Night Live was in the building. Pat Barker, Roast Battle Royal runner-up, pointed out that Willie Hunter and Haiti looked like the two Aunt Vivs from the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”. It could be the best live observation I’ve ever heard. Not since Rena Hundert’s “NoHo” joke on Anna Valenzuela has the crowd been so unanimously on board with what someone said. Still looking for staff members! More people have mentioned interest in covering the show but spoken words are worthless to me! Cover a battle and send it to me. Daddy’s (still me) plate is filling up and he’s trying to pass the fork. #kaboom

Alright! Pod? Pot? Let’s review!

In the first undercard, Brian Blank couldn’t handle Albert Escobedo or the Roast Battle!

Albert has the softest undefeated record ever compiled. He gets the W each time but I’m ready to see him take on a real roaster. To say Brian had a meltdown would be an understatement. He tried his hand at roasting Tony Hinchcliffe after Tony respectfully mentioned how hideous his face was. Just my opinion but you should probably land one joke against your opponent before taking a swing at a judge. Here are what he thought were jokes.

BRIAN ON ALBERT

“Albert’s a little hush hush on this but he’s actually like royalty; Albert’s actually the love child of Andre Agassi and Carlos Mencia’s comedy career.”

“Albert looks like Earthworm Jim less successful cousin.”

“Albert’s mom thinks that he’s gay and he also fucked a tranny. This isn’t a gay joke; it’s a stupidity joke. Albert’s too stupid to know he’s gay.”

It’s a bad sign when I have to breakout more than one semicolon for your jokes. Albert was great as usual. He has a chill delivery reminiscent of Toby Muresianu. It’s low-energy but it works for him.

ALBERT ON BRIAN

“Brian looks the kind of guy that would help you move a couch, and then rape you on it.” 

“Brian looks like a Fred Durst starter kit.”

“Maybe I fucked a dude that looks like a girl but I met your girl and she looks like a dude.”

Whoa. B-rutal comeback. I wonder how Brians lady felt after hearing it. Hey, you know what? She probably doesn’t exist. Congrats Al!

?/???! Combo scale!

In the second undercard, Lou Vahram shocked the world against Zane Pond!

Mannnn. Every time I introduce a new bit, I’m always super wrong about it. I couldn’t get anything right during the tournament and now I might have to call Lou “The Bolt Cutter” because of what he did to my ?. There’s a style of battler I call “rollercoasters” due to their up and down tendencies. One battle they’re crushing, the next they’re losing to someone they should have crushed. Lou has the spirit and jokes of a good roaster but is just a pile of nerves when he gets to the stage.

LOU ON ZANE

“Look at yourself, Zane. You look like Snorlax fucked Macklemore.”

“Zane Pond, Why are you named after a body of water you’ll never fit into?”

I disagree with Tony’s assessment that all of the jokes sucked. Lou’s were decent. Zane’s were not.

ZANE ON LOU

“You can tell Lou’s from Philadelphia because his teeth are as cracked as the liberty bell and his girlfriends all ask for their independence.”

“Lou’s family survived two mass genocides and yet he still smells like he lives in a concentration camp.”

Zane wasted his other two jokes on comebacks that fell flat. I guess we can look forward to Zane having a better performance in his next battle. Lou, or reasons only known to him, decided to take on Tony and Earl Skakel. This was a mistake. To be honest, I was hoping he derped himself out of a win by looking so foolish against the Haters and the judges. But nah. Lou walked off a winner and a loser. Zane walked off and the stage let out a great sigh of relief.

?/???!

In the third undercard, Alfonso Ribeiro John Boyega Alfred Konuwa lost to Brandon Jeddi!

It’s been a few years now but someone finally landed some Coach Tea heat! Our house DJ played Al up to “It’s Not Unusual” by Tom Jones due to his resemblance to everyones second favorite student from Bel Air prep. Then Alfred uncorked this bad boy.

ALFRED ON COACH

“I love coach tea and who doesn’t right? I find it ironic that he’s calling me Carlton when he’s a bootleg DJ Jazzy Jeff who looks like Uncle Phil.”

DAYUM. The crowd popped harder than I’ve ever heard after that sick burn. If only Al wrote jokes like that for Brandon!

ALFRED ON BRANDON

“Brandon, you look like ‘Where’s Waldo’. The only difference is people find him using ‘Amber Alert’.”

“Brandon’s Persian but he doesn’t look it. In fact, he’s the only member of ISIS with white privilege.”

This is the first battle in the history of the show in which an intervention was staged in the middle. Al Jackson paused the show to give Al Konuwa a bit of a pep talk. He still lost but it was a nice moment. Brandon showed he understood that the ? to victory in Roast Battle is pure, unfiltered racism.

BRANDON ON ALFRED

“When you ask Alfred if you can say the n word, he looks around and says it’s cool I don’t see any.”

“Alfred looks like the type of guy that would have worn boat shoes on a slave ship.”

Crushed him. Al didn’t stand a chance and after his loss he was really Levar Hurton. #boo

??/???!

Ken Garr was too much for David Nieker in the fourth undercard!

“You both look like the last thing a female hiker would see.” – David Taylor

I wonder what step of recovery this is for these two. This battle has to have the shortest combined life expectancy of any other battle before it. Maybe this was on Nieker’s bucket list. Good ol’ Nieker wasn’t the worst of the evening and that means he beat his projected performance level. He may have bombed all but one joke including his intro but his battle didn’t suck and sometimes that’s all you need.

DAVE ON KEN

“Ken describes his body shape as ‘average’ because OK Cupid doesn’t have a checkbox for ‘tumor with alopecia’.

“Ken didn’t need to join the army, at least once a week he receives a dishonorable discharge down his throat.”

Yikes. David wasn’t awful but he was right above the line. Ken did his gd job. His jokes were well-structured, mean and very funny. He also spoke at the proper volume!

KEN ON DAVE

“You’re the only Jew I know who looks exactly like the guy who’s trying to kill all of the Jews.”

“You look like a wizard whose only remaining power is fending off your cancer.”

Ken had two other bangers but Dave barely had the two that made it on here. I love Ken’s ‘wizard’ joke but I love wizards and shit.

?/???!

In the penultimate battle of the evening, Mark Stevens outlasted Lindsey Jennings!

If Roast Battle had a Rudy, it has to be Mark Stevens right? He’s physically unimpressive, no one believes in him and any actor who played him in a movie could also play a hobbit. Yet there he was, plowing through the goal line with really good jokes and the right stage presence to battle a girl and not come off looking too Chris Brown-y.

MARK ON LINDSEY

“You can tell when Lindsey’s had an audition because you’ll see cum leaking through the holes in her cheeks.”

“Lindsey, you have a tattoo for every uncle that molested you.” 

“Lindsey, proving why the only place she’ll be a paid regular is at Planned Parenthood.”  

“Lindsey looks like if they marketed Barbie dolls to rape victims.”

These are some ??? jokes. I wonder if Mark could battle like this against dudes. Maybe he channels sexual tension into a catty rage for his performances. Linds was great. Her comeback to Mark’s first joke was one of the best I’ve ever heard.

LINDSEY ON MARK

“You’re right Mark. I do have a lot of holes in my body. Too bad your dick isn’t big enough to fill any of them.”

“Marks an aspiring actor; too bad no one’s casting Uber drivers with cum stains on their pants.”

“Girls will only let mark go down on them, that’s bc his nose goes so much deeper than his dick.”

“Mark was cast in a porn called ‘Donkey Kong’. Unfortunately the leading lady backed out when she realized it was Mark she’d be fucking and not a donkey.”

If Mark’s performance was a 10 then Lindseys was a 9.5. This was an Undercard of the Year nominee for sure and I’m excited to see who these two battle next.

???/???!

And in the Main Event, Anna Valenzuela overcame Nick Petrillo!

Ok. So by now we know that this wasn’t the fire-roasted cherry on top of the cake that we thought it might be. It’s most likely not the fault of the battlers. Their jokes were fine. Could they have been better? Most obviously. But they had to follow five amazing fights. Imagine being the Mormon boyfriend to a porn star whose specialty is gang bang flicks. The crowd is that girlfriend and this battle is the Mormon. Try as you might, you’re just not gonna provide the same fulfillment. Hope I helped!

ANNA ON NICK

“Nick is considered a bar comic and it’s an incredibly low bar.”

“Nick shares a sofa with a cat to remember what pussy smells like.”

“Nick used to fuck women for stage time and they still made him bring 5 friends.”

“Nick calls himself Italian because when you’re abandoned in the bathroom of an Olive Garden, you’re family.”

NICK ON ANNA

“Guys have actually died having sex with Anna. Too bad the only boner she can’t kill is the one on her face.”

“Anna’s half-Irish, half-Mexican and runs a sober living home which is just a studio apartment filled with her family.”

“You look like even your queefs sound nasally.”

“Anna used to hook up with married guys. Too bad the closest she’ll get to ‘marriage material” is when it’s dripping off her chin.

The judges would comment on how nice they were to each other. It could have been their friend chemistry working against them. Listening back to the battle, it sounds like they’re doing really well. They just weren’t as mean and racist as the jokes from the rest of the night.

??/?????!

JOKES OF THE NIGHT

“You look like a wizard whose only remaining power is fending off your cancer.” – Ken Garr

“When you ask Alfred if you can say the ‘n word’, he looks around and says it’s cool I don’t see any.” – Brandon Jeddi

“I love Coach Tea and who doesn’t right? I find it ironic that he’s calling me Carlton when he’s a bootleg DJ Jazzy Jeff who looks like Uncle Phil.” – Alfred Konuwa

“Maybe I fucked a dude that looks like a girl but I met your girl and she looks like a dude.” – Albert Escobedo

“You both look like the last thing a female hiker would see.” – David Taylor on Ken Garr and Dave Nieker

“Lindsey looks like if they marketed Barbie dolls to rape victims.” – Mark Stevens

“Zane Pond, Why are you named after a body of water you’ll never fit into?” – Lou Vahram

“You’re right Mark. I do have a lot of holes in my body. Too bad your dick isn’t big enough to fill any of them.” – Lindsey Jennings

I am 93-60 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff. 

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