Hey everyone, Jay Light here. Your usual Roast Report scribe Josh Waldron is stepping into the ring once again so you’re stuck with me for this week’s set of reporting. As always, I’m happy to step behind the keyboard and do some largely meaningless speculation and analysis!
This week’s edition of Roast Battle features our first title fight in several months, a main event-caliber battle preceding the big show, and a judges’ panel that comedy nerds worldwide will drool over. If you live in Los Angeles, you need to be here tonight. (If you can’t, watch the live stream on our Periscope feed.)
Let’s do some previewin’ shall we?
Our first judge this week is massive Roast Battle fan and returning judge Jason Reitman!
Roast Battle newbies may be wondering: “Jason Reitman? That guy who got nominated for an Oscar a few times and somehow made Charlize Theron look more off-putting than she did in Monster? What’s he doing here?” Well, we don’t know either, but we’re damn sure glad to have him!
Sitting next to Jason will be first-time Roast Battle judge Godfrey!
Godfrey has been making tons of appearances at the Store lately, but tonight marks his first foray into the wild world of Roast Battle. Having made his career on the notoriously ruthless streets of New York, this writer’s guess is that he’ll feel right at home alongside the knock-down, drag-out fights on the bill tonight.
Rounding out the panel – and making his triumphant return to the VIP section – Roastmaster General Jeff Ross!
Yes, our knight in scorched armor has come galloping back to defend his realm with put-downs and insults that cut deep like a battle axe. The allure of a title fight is just too much to keep him away for too long. Welcome back!
The first two contenders in the ring tonight: Ryan Budds (0-1, #73) vs. Josh Waldron! (1-1, #38)
These two young bucks don’t have a ton of battle experience between them, but they’re feisty and know how to put on a fun show. Though he hasn’t battled since his loss to Doug Fager, Josh has been practicing his roasting skills within the virtual pages of this Report, drawing ire and awe alike from comics across the city. Ryan, on the other hand, continues to pursue a career in comedy while also dealing with a newborn baby, which is essentially like being roasted by God for 18 years.
Call me crazy, but I think the sleep-deprived, cranky new dad is going to take this bout with a little bit of extra dad rage. (Don’t worry, Josh, I’ll let you win a couple extra Super Smash Bros. matches to take away the sting of losing.)
And, of course, the battle you’ve all been waiting for: our title fight. Alex Hooper (5-0, #1) vs. Joe Dosch. (5-1, #3)
This is a huge battle, folks. Titanic. Gargantuan. Colossal. Bigger than Alex’s lotion budget and Joe’s anal bleaching budget. Alex, the undefeated holder of the Roast Battle championship belt with a ferocious stage presence that borders on frightening, takes on Joe, a festival-proven perennial contender with ice-cold jokes and searing delivery whose only loss came at the cold, metallic hands of Stuart Thompson. These two will pull no punches, and they’d have no reason to anyway.
Who gets the pick? It’s almost too close to call. I fully anticipate a 4th round, and maybe even Sudden Death beyond that. By the end, it’ll be less of a battle and more of a war of attrition, with whoever can survive the longest taking the spoils of victory. In my mind, it’s all about whoever knows how to stay standing the longest.
That’s why I pick Joe. He’s been in the Roast Battle game a little longer, and has battled on grander scale than this. It’ll be a long one, but I think he can edge it in the end. Though, with a battle this good, I can’t say I’d be too upset if I got proven wrong.
Los Angeles, seriously: don’t miss this one. Belly Room. 10:30. See y’all tonight.