Every week the powers that be at Roast Battle put the night’s battles on Periscope, and provide a title that is socially relevant and mildly offensive. Usually, no one in the Periscope chat mentions it. This week’s title was “R. Kelly New Pee Tape” and there are multiple people in the chat defending R. Kelly.
It’s Tuesday night and the Belly Room is absolutely electric. The crowd is hungry for some action. The chant-master, Autistic Thunder, Joshua Meyrowitz leads them in the “battle” chant. The judges table is stacked. We’ve got James Davis and Jeff Ross, and of course the two sets of twins: The Sklar Bros and The Smash Bros. Here’s the thing, each twin is uniquely funny and insightful, and Jason, Randy, Chad, and Cory all deserve to be acknowledged as individuals. However, I can’t tell who’s who so whenever I quote one, I will simply quote the twin unit, as if they said that thing in unison. One of the most truly amazing things in Roast Battle History happened tonight, the Saudi Prince showed up on time, we’ve got the entire hit squad out from the jump tonight.
The first battle of the night sees Kim McVicar facing off against Leah Mansfield. The pre-fight banter is brief with these two battle newcomers.
“How do you guys know each other?” -Brian Moses
“Comedy” -Leah Mansfield
“You both auditioned for Annie, but for different parts” -Jeff Ross
The crowd enjoys Leah’s simple, exasperated answer, and the judge’s commentary. We’re ready for the battle to begin and Leah volunteers to go first.
“A giant armadillo has the most teeth of any land mammal at 100, still gives better blow jobs than Kim.”
“Leah loves to tell people that she’s part Native American, and you can tell, right? Because she looks like the guy who raped the Indians.”
“Kim is so dumb they gave her an aptitude test in high school and she tested as backup dancer. She’s such a good backup dancer, she became a comedian.”
“Leah is the only one out of her sisters not to become a stripper because when Leah takes off her clothes, she looks like the guy who rapes strippers. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I’m kidding, we all know that strippers can’t get raped so your sisters are safe.”
“Kim’s father died, and then her brother died of AIDS, and her other brother went to prison. Just goes to show how far her family will go to not watch her do comedy.”
“Leah’s mom was dead for five days before anybody noticed, and her career died in one and we all noticed. No! Leah used to launch nukes for the military for a living, but she quit that job to become a comedian. So she went from not bombing terrorists, to bombing innocent civilians on stage, which is why we call her the Hiroshima of comedy… Also she looks like the guy who rapes the Japanese.”
“You both knew your material and it assisted each others, not everything hit, but it was good. I don’t really feel like making fun of you” -Jeff Ross
“I thought the marvelous Mr. Maisel was going to take it. It was your first time, but you proved once again there can never be enough rape jokes in this room.” -Sklar Bros
“I could’ve seen more rape jokes.” -Saudi Prince
“You can’t see rape jokes.”- Brian Moses
“Well I’d like to demonstrate some more rape jokes.” -Saudi Prince
What a great start to the night, both battlers brought solid jokes and had fun with it. Kim showed her comedic experience, crafting a rapist thread between her three jokes that got a big laugh each time, and was completely unexpected by the end of the third joke. The judges praise them both for their originality and ability to have fun on stage, but there can only be one winner and Kim takes home the first victory of the night.
Up next we have Robyn Blake vs Anne Flagg. Fitness trainer Robyn Blake is brought up first.
“Damn he’s hot.” -Smash Bros
“What happened last time?” -Brian Moses
“Uh, I lost to a skinny white guy.” -Robyn Blake
“Did you battle with the mirror?” -Jeff Ross
Anne comes out next and declares that she does not hate Robyn, they’re dear friends and it’s going to be fun. Anne volunteers to go first.
“When Robyn does steroids, she has to use razors on her face. When she does comedy, the crowd has to use them on their wrist.”
“Thank-you Marilyn Mon-hoe.”
“I’ve heard that joke five times already, babe”
“Alright Anne Red-Flagg.”
“I’ve heard that one also.”
“Alright, here we go it’s my fucking turn, ok. Alright, alright, let’s go, alright uhh. Anne, you look like you want to speak to the manager at a furniture store that only sells casting couches.”
“Robyn’s like a superhero, except Batman’s pants- Batman’s parents are dead and hers just wish they were.”
“At least I don’t fuck my stepdad.”
“At least I’m fucking somebody”
“Anne, I’m actually really fucking proud of you. You’re a drug addict, an alcoholic, and somehow you made it through Sober October. I don’t know how you made it through a whole month without a personality!”
“Robyn’s got so many issues, the only thing with a trigger no one warned her about is a gun. Kill yourself.”
“I’m a personal trainer who makes my clients do burpees. Anne is a train wreck that gives her clients herpes.”
“1 in 4 have it! 1 in 4 have it!” -Moses
“I’d wipe down the mic with some antibacterial. I can smell the chlamydia from here” -Smash Bros
“Classic battle of Peggy sue vs Pegging Sue” -Sklar Bros
“I enjoyed the moment when you both went off script and just let out the full petty on each other. I do not believe the narrative that you guys are friends.” -James Davis
“These battles need to have love, but this one felt like it had none” -Sklar Bros
“These are early battles. Not everyone can battle their exact twin brother who they love with all their heart” -Jeff Ross
“I give it to Alt Right Toby McGuire” -Saudi Prince
The jokes mostly flounder in this battle, but the off the cuff stuff hits hard. Robyn saying that Anne fucks her step dad brings life in to the room, and Anne’s rebuttal absolutely ignites the place. Some unsolicited advice to any potential Roast Battlers reading this: If people keep using the same joke on you, acknowledging that people keep saying that isn’t really a joke. The audience doesn’t know that jokes been used before, write a good rebuttal, it’ll seem like you’re a genius who came up with it on the spot. Also, try not to write the same joke. Having said that, I wrote a Marilyn Monroe joke in the preview. I don’t really know Anne that well, and it was easy. I’m very lazy, ask anyone. Robyn unanimously takes the judge and audience votes, and secures her first victory in the Belly Room.
Our third undercard of the night pits Michael Schirtzer against Zahra Ali.
At the midway point, we get some more experienced battlers, amidst a lineup of mostly novice undercards. Michael, who has been battling since near the start of Roast Battle, is brought out first. Moses asks why he battled Zahra:
“Her last name is Ali i expect her to put up a good fight, she floats like a butterfly and her tits were stung by a bee.”
This gets a solid laugh, as this is the first time the audience is seeing someone reply to that question with a joke. Michael hates that they like him, so he offers to rap about Zahra. Moses shouts for Coach Tea to drop a beat, but Schirtzer refuses the beat. Listen, refusing Coach Tea’s beat at Roast Battle is akin to asking for ketchup at a restaurant too fancy for ketchup, you just don’t do it. Schirtzer raps a cappella.
“Zahra’s comedy style is non delivery
She’s like a dead baby with her non delivery
She looks like she’s just dropping off some naan delivery
She’s uhhh Muslim”
“Look, if you had one moment, one opportunity…” -Saudi Prince
The rap is met with confusion, but Saudi Prince saves the moment with his 8 Mile reference, getting big laughs and a “mom’s spaghetti chant. Zahra comes out next and volunteers to go first.
“Michael is an amateur rap battler, but that’s not why his girlfriend calls him Lil Dicky.”
“Zahra just came from acting class but the Only screen time she gets is when she’s randomly selected at TSA.”
“Real original, real original.”
“You called me Lil Dicky.”
“I don’t know, I’m just giving you any rap battle name that’s better than Michael Schirtzer, like… Dr. Dreidel or JewCock Shakur.”
“That’s hot, Slumdog Million Hairs.”
“Good one Kendrick LaMazel Tov. I had to do it, that’s the rule of threes. It’s a comedy rule, you wouldn’t understand that Michael.”
“I’m actually waiting on you to do a joke right now.”
“Michael is what happens when you save all your kid’s participation trophies.”
I grew up in Malibu, we just had some fires and Zahra looks like one of the horses we didn’t save”
Like Michael said, he’s a rich kid from Malibu. He’s reaped every reward of white privilege, except success.”
“Zahra’s Boyfriend is a DJ I think it’s gonna workout cuz he’s used to putting his fingers on flat surfaces. Wicky wicky wicky where yo titties at.”
“The girl who does tech support for Whoville was great.” -Saudi
“The joke doesn’t work, she has breasts.” -Sklars
Michael is receiving a lot of flak, both for rapping and for using the “wicky wicky” disk scratching noise. James implores Michael to rap at the Smash Bros for hating on his raps
“Yo, I hear you barking,
But you look like Double Mint gum
Did Sons of Anarchy”
The raps fall on deaf ears, both battlers had their moment, but Zahra had the more consistent jokes and was far more likable due to not rapping. She handily takes all the judges and audience vote, and adds another victory to her books.
In the final undercard of the night, we’ve got David Lucas vs Kosha Dillz.
David and Kosha are brought up to the stage. The pre-battle banter is minimal, but seriously? Another Jewish rapper? Can we bring a jewish accountant banker, lawyer, and accountant up after? I’d prefer the stereotypes.
“I heard about this guy through my financial advisor” -Moses
James Davis declares that he will be voting for the black guy, and to even it out Jeff Ross declares his vote for the Jewish guy, let’s see if they stick with it. Kosha Dillz volunteers to go first.
“David Lucas, you’re down on your luck, but George Lucas is your father, you’re the BET version of Jabba the Hutt.”
“What the fuck? Nigga, you dress like you give R. Kelly interior designing advice.”
“Katt Williams is the size of your fucking leg. And your other leg is the size of those two lesbian battlers earlier.”
“Nigga, you so cheap, you make kool aid in your bath water.”
“I look at you and your face, it looks like the bottom of Burger King’s shoes, and you’ve got a lot of rolls on your neck.”
“You got Idaho potato bags for a jacket.”
“David, you’re just mad that I didn’t buy your DVD on Hollywood Boulevard. I’m not going to buy your autographed CD and I won’t give a donation. And you’re still mad that R. Kelly, that you’re not allowed to sing R. Kelly songs and you were the one black kid invited to my Bar Mitzvah 20 years ago.”
“Nigga, the only time your music is fire is when you reach into the oven.”
“Bro, you’re so fat, you can’t see your own dick, and just because you can’t see your own dick doesn’t mean you’re pro trans rights.”
“I don’t know what’s going on. This motherfucker a gay jewish Cat In The Hat-ass nigga.”
“Stupid as sound/resorting to music right now/but you couldn’t connect to the crowd/besides screaming out loud/I can seldom hear what your unibrow.”
“This nigga man, gay voodoo on me. I’m gonna wake up in the morning with a sore asshole. My doodoo hole going to be burning when I go to sleep.”
“Bro, you hate jews so much, you jerk off to Louis Farrakhan.”
“You got beat up by Calvin Harris and Ricky Martin on Broadway nigga.”
“You look like George the Animal steel the tattoo in real life from being (inaudible)”
“Alright I’m done.”
People have been screaming at Kosha Dillz to stop during his last couple jokes, but he must’ve really wanted to end on a laugh. It didn’t work out.
“Kosha Dillz? That shit was sour, man” -Jeff Ross
“It was kind of like you were his cell mate and he just butt fucked you.” -Smash Bros
“You got punched in the face from the first line, and you kept getting punched in the face.” -Ian Edwards
David did this great move, where the moment Kosha Dillz finished a line, David would immediately be saying his rebuttal and jokes. Usually there’s a pause so the crowd could laugh or not because you don’t want the laughter to drown out your words, but David’s actions were basically saying “I know you’re not getting a laugh”. He was right, and his quickness earned him big laughs. He gets props from all the judges for being able to do that just off the top of his head.
“Think about it, if you’re that good off the top of your head, if you wrote, you’d be undeniable.” -Jeff Ross
“He ain’t gonna write, he ain’t gonna write.” -James Davis
David takes all the judges’ votes and clearly dominates the audience vote, and walks away with the W.
Our main event of the evening features Roast Battle heavyweights, Armando Torres and Greg Roque.
Armando is also a non-Roast Battle heavyweight. Greg is rolled out first.
“I thought this was an alternate ending to Varsity Blues.” -Saudi Prince
Moses asks Greg why he’s battling Armando:
“Pat wanted me to battle. He was like we were going to have Keith Carey and Joe Eurell battle, but that got postponed so can we find another fat guy and another wheelchair guy, I was like yeah sure.”
Greg gets a big pop early and Armando is brought to the stage.
“Did you bring your ukulele to sing Somewhere Over The Rainbow?” -Saudi Prince
“Two Mexicans.” -Brian Moses
“They look like the only two people a wall would stop.” -Saudi Prince
Moses asks Armando why he’s battling Greg:
“I love Greg, Greg’s a wheely, wheely nice guy.”
“This looks like a DUI sentencing where you have to look at the guy you hit” -James Davis
The crowd is loving it, as both battlers and the judges are landing their punches and showing why this is the main event. Greg volunteers to go first.
“Armando is a music producer who sells dope ass beats. Meanwhile, his dad’s in a prison cell getting his ass beat over dope.”
“Greg wants everyone to know that YES, his dick still works. It’s the only part of him that can stand up.”
“Maybe after this I should fuck your girlfriend because she clearly likes being on top and doing all the work. Armando’s girlfriend is a painter which explains why she hates his stroke and has to finish her piece with her fingers.”
“Greg has a future in television, if Mythbusters ever needs another test dummy.”
“Yes Armando, I’m in a wheelchair, but your dad in prison is getting the electric chair. Armando has some bad habits. Armando is a heavy smoker. Every day, he goes through two packs… of hotdogs.”
“You’re doing great. Greg is a disabled guy who’s dating a Jew. At least they have some shared experience. Like, never really having fun at camp”
“That’s a good one, Javier Weinstein. Actually, Armando is a non-practicing Jew. So instead of going to synagogue, his fat ass ate at Church’s.”
“Greg is a huge fan of hip hop music. I mean, look he’s doing the stanky legs.”
“Believe it or not, Armando only eats free range chicken which is ironic because all of his relatives are kept in cages.”
“When I lose a leg to diabetes can I borrow one of yours? HE’S NOT GOING TO USE IT, just let me have it.”
That was a great battle, good writing, both of them had fun on stage, and were in the moment with their replies.
“For a guy with little mobility, you changed direction real well with those jokes.” -Sklar Bros
“Mexican Degrassi definitely came through with the win.” -James
“Degracias.” -Sklar Bros
“I have to give it Wheeler Walker Jr.” -Smash Bros
“We’re from the Inland Empire and you are by far the biggest mexican we’ve ever fucking seen”-Smash Bros
Armando was solid all the way through, and got a huge reaction on his “stanky legs” joke. Greg was operating on another level though. Every joke hit super hard, and his ability to turn Armando’s joke about his dick into an even bigger laugh with his rebuttal was huge in the momentum race. The judges unanimously praise this battle as it was the best of the night, and they unanimously select Greg as the victor. Greg’s victory has secured him a spot on the “Best of Roast Battle” fight card in February.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, subscribe to our podcast, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from our fights, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.