After a night filled with so many standups that we wind up with a midnight start, the firing squad of Keith Carey, Sam Jay, and Jeff Ross gets introduced – 2/3 of them shirtless in solidarity with Chantmaster Josh Meyrowitz. The energy from the crowd is weird, but they’re probably just antsy for battles. First up, we’ve got newcomers David Centofanti versus Karina Beltran. It’s an excessively awkward intro period, exacerbated by David getting brought on riding Jamar Neighbors.
“I for sure take the titty girl over the white guy who made a black guy carry him.” – Sam Jay
Karina says she wants to hook up with Jeff, David takes some blows for his weird body, and we’re off to the races with Karina volunteering to go first.
“I lost weight. David found it and ate it.”
Karina’s first punch gets a limited reaction from the crowd other than some girl yelling “spit your gum out” at her. What a start!
“Karina got expelled in the fifth grade from getting into a fistfight. As you can see, her face is still swollen. Her face is so swollen, it resembles all the Puerto Ricans that drowned in the last hurricane. Her relatives.”
“A couple of them did die. That’s close to the belt.”
An awkward reaction to the joke from the crowd is only solidifed by Karina’s admission of personal ties to the hurricane.
“David lost his virginity on 9/11. He was very pissed because five firefighters had to leave that day.”
“Why you gotta bring up 9/11 when your boobs resemble Bin Laden – impossible to find?”
“Topical! Topical!” – Jeff Ross
“I’m a virgin struggling with my sexuality. Considering all three of David’s exes became lesbians, maybe I should just fuck him for clarity.”
“Karina looks like Khloe Kardashian came out of Bruce Jenner’s vagina.”
David’s last joke hits harder than anything else in the round, but overall this virgin suicide is mostly a wash. Karina coasts through the judges’ decisions on likability alone.
“I like the girl who looks like she doesn’t have the college credits to play a librarian in porn.” – Keith Carey
“You’re just racist, dude…you’re not ever gonna make money doing this.” – Sam Jay
Jeff asks Karina why she seems so nervous, and she keeps it vague. She’s only 4 months into comedy. She’s going through a lot. She didn’t have much time to prepare for this – an excuse I don’t totally buy, given that she had three weeks to prep and that only means she needed to write one good joke a week. Jeff slings her a pity vote and Coach Tea plays a “wrong answer” buzzer.
After two votes, the crowd winds up giving it to Karina. She almost forgets the customary post-battle hug, but they get it out of the way in the nick of time.
“Some people forget the rules. Every battle ends with a hug.” – Jeff Ross
“Yeah, but they’re supposed to start with jokes.” – Keith Carey
Next up, we have Alex Gettlin versus Willie Simon, two buddies who have a podcast together where they mostly shit-talk each other. Their skills and rapport are on fine display for the second fight.
“Alex looks like a Juggalo that someone hosed off for a job interview.”
“Willie has not one, but two lesbian moms. He looks identical to both of them.”
“Hey, remember, when he mentions lesbians, he means gay people and not women who wouldn’t have sex with him. Alex is like a retired date rapist. Like the Tim Duncan of date rape. He doesn’t look like much now but he was dangerous in the 2000s.”
“Thank you G-Eazy Bake Oven. Willie Simon is a college dropout who spends his days driving for Lyft and bombing at open mics. He’s like the frontman of a boy band called No Direction.”
“At least I quit. When you quit something, it just means they left you.”
Willie’s rebuttal attempt is a misfire but he soldiers on.
“Alex looks like he’d get really mad if you mention anything about 9/11.”
“Willie’s from Hawaii and Willie’s comedy career is a lot like the volcano on Hawaii’s big island. The whole thing is going up in flames and no one in America will ever give a shit.”
“That’s a good one, Slow Rogan.”
Willie gets a final shot in after the bell that goes over nicely for him. They both get lots of praise for bringing the night’s energy back up after a lackluster start, but the judges – joined now by Tony Hinchcliffe and Jak Knight – think Alex was stronger overall. Willie, however, takes the audience vote, walking away with a Roast Battle win and a promise to make the podcast just a little more awkward.
The next fight pits Dylan Sullivan against Kelsey Lane.
“Wait, Moses, if he’s here, who’s watching the library in Game of Thrones?” – Tony Hinchcliffe
“This looks like a sitcom about two dykes that open an auto parts shop.” – Keith Carey
After some weird discussion about the canoe Kelsey apparently promised to build Dylan if he wins, the battle gets going with Kelsey taking the first shot.
“Believe it or not, Dylan is a half-Mexican. Gross. He’s less of a beaner and more of a sweatback.”
“Kelsey looks like she’d tell you she cuts herself on the first date.”
“Dylan, how are you lactose intolerant and a human wheel of cheese?”
“Oh, Kesley, you big-beaked bitch…Kelsey was once daddy’s little girl, and now she’s mama’s big dyke.”
“Dylan feels like he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. But that’s just the weight of his shoulders.”
“Kelsey’s from Boston. Whenver she performs there, she bombs so bad people wish they were at the marathon instead.”
“Welcome back, Boston Marathon jokes!” – Moses
The battle is back-and-forth, with each registering a dud, but Dylan’s big hits hit harder. The judges vote for him unanimously.
“Gotta give it to Blob Dylan.” – Jeff Ross
The audience votes for him too, and Dylan racks up his second win. Do we have a rising star on our hands? Time will tell.
Zach Stein, making a rare back-to-back appearance, is up next against Dan Nolan.
“Dan looks like he just threatened Stormy Daniels in a parking lot.” – Jeff Ross
“Y’all look like an SVU episode. Like [Dan]’s the older brother, [Zach]’s the younger brother, but you both killed them together. – Sam Jay
“You look like if ITT Tech had school shooters.” – Keith Carey
It seems like we’re in store for an amazing fight, given Dan’s penchant for picking good battles, Zach’s remarkable turn last week, and the friendship these two have that practically guarantees a killer matchup. Dan takes the first swing.
“Zach is an alcoholic who loves prostitutes. His liver’s so damaged, he offered it 60 dollars to suck his cock.”
“And Dan wouldn’t because it’s black. Dan spent six months in jail and he was never raped. But he was fucked in the ass.”
“Women have a hard time walking after Zach fucks them. Not because of his huge cock, but because of the heavy dose of date rape drugs.”
“Also, I break their toes with a hammer. Am I endearing?”
Ladies and gentlemen, he is. Zach is pulling come creepy-guy judo on Dan, leaning in so hard to Dan’s punchlines that he winds up with even bigger laughs.
“Dan keeps a list of the women he’s fucked. Seems silly when the FBI already has a missing persons list.”
“Your mom’s not missing!”
“I actually don’t know my biological mom!”
“Zach told me it’s his dream doing something he loves, so I offered him 60 dollars to suck my cock.”
“Dan’s impregnated two women, resulting in the only two abortions ever sanctioned by Christianity.”
The most impressive battle of the night by far is immediately met with by a call of “ONE MORE JOKE!” from The Wave. The judges have a hard time picking – Keith votes for Zach, Sam votes for Dan – so Jeff calls for a sudden death overtime.
“Dan is such an autistic faggot…that’s it! Seriously though, after he sucks your dick he gives you an accurate sperm count.”
“Zach’s parents paid a surrogate to give birth to him, so I guess only one of us has been inside of his mother.”
Zach winds up winning the audience vote after an amazing fight. Keep your eyes peeled on a main event from him in the near future.
Speaking of main events, Joe Eurell – Belly Room favorite – takes on confident, undefeated ex-TMZ employee Brian McDaniel in his first ever five-joke match. Brian, ready to prove himself, takes the first swing.
“Joe was born in 1987. The same year the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out. Big year for creatures that can’t roll off their back.”
“Thank you Vince Yawn. Brian is so old that my legs are stronger than his piss stream.”
“Joe made a Kickstarter for his comedy special. How much do I have to pledge to never hear any hacky handicapped parking jokes?”
“Thank you, Twink-182.”
“You’re welcome, Steven Not Walking.”
“Thank you, Joel McFail.”
“You’re welcome, Joe Eur-really close to death.”
“I don’t talk about CPS as much as you talk about TMZ, but whatever. I made more money having CP than you ever did on TMZ.”
A pause happens as Josh explains the perks of disability benefits. Joe asks if Brian forgot his joke, but Brian pounces:
“No, I’m just waiting for Josh to finish more of your jokes for you. Look, my daughter is one years old. Which means unlike you, she’s almost done with diapers.”
“That’s interesting, because Brian’s in a band called Buckshot Bill. But since only one of his daughters is his, it should be called Brian Shoots Blanks.”
“I like that Joe pays so much attention to his hair, like a girl’s gonna be like ‘man, that guy has…great hair!'”
“Y’know, you might not know it, but Brian is 40 years old and he has CP too. Except his CP is Cialis pills.”
“On stage, Joe bitches about women and insists his dick still works. So to me he’s not handicapped. He’s just every other shitty open micer in LA.”
“Y’know, it’s weird. Brian is the real inspiration here. He’s an actor, he’s a comedian, he’s a musician. The only thing he can’t do is provide for his family.”
Brian gets a laugh and touches a nerve with the open micers flooding the back of the room, while Joe ends with a big pop. They both put on an amazing show and earn well-deserved praise from the judges, with Brian getting particular praise for the hair joke. But Joe is still in the moment.
“My hair’s so good, I can’t walk.” – Joe Eurell
“Every time you move your arms it looks like you’re doing the Thriller dance.” – Keith Carey
“At least I can lean over, Keith.” – Joe Eurell
Ultimately, Joe wins two votes to one, handing Brian his first loss. However, it’s one of those matches that’s so great, it reminds you why we all do this – for the love of putting on a great show. And these two will be back soon to put on more great shows.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.