This was Haiti’s best act-out to date. It was perfectly timed and Steven Alan Green needed to be sedated. He was bombing and he looks like a homeless water buffalo. You know who should be darted? Me. Sorry about the lateness of the report. Daddy’s (that’s me) gettin’ a little caught up with all the other things comedy has me doing so it might be time to take on some staff. Ever been interested in covering the show? Think you’re a good writer? Vehemently disagree with me? Then hit me up on Twitter or Facebook! I wouldn’t mind taking a week off or something and entering more of an editing capacity. It would help me tremendously if I only had to cover half the show. Plus it’s a great way to feel like a marginally respected member of the Roast Battle team! You can either ask me about it in person or you can do a spec recap a battle from a given Tuesday and send it to me. If it’s good/funny then you can be a part of the Roast Report squad. Which may get you a spot on one of the shows I produce or host. Odds are no one cares and I’m doomed to write this every week until I roast in peace. Yay!
In the first undercard, Felipe Ramirez Jr. was put to bed by Tony Alfano!
Solid start to the night! At least for Tony. Felipe is a nice enough dude but was not ready for Roast Battle. He bombed twice in the intros which is something I didn’t know you could do given that you’re up there for a very short amount of time if you’re intro’d first. Tony did his best to turn everyone against him with his flannel in eighty-five degree weather but his jokes were too good.
TONY ON FELIPE
“Felipe’s tooth gap is so wide his family snuck through it to America.”
“Felipe manages the other Mexicans at his work; he’s a real ‘Uncle Tomás’.
“Felipe quit his last job because he got tired of Super Mario jumping on his head.”
“The only thing more disappointing than Felipe’s jokes are the results of his latest mammogram.”
So good. Felipe was not nearly as good and by “not nearly” I mean not at all. He was bad.
FELIPE ON TONY
“Tony’s such a greasy wop he runs his hands through his hair before he jerks off.”
“Great joke, Brody Alfano. Tony had to get a job as an exterminator so he could finally hear the words, ‘Tony, you killed it.’”
“Tony looks like he molests little girls if he could find time between molesting little boys.”
“Tony is an Anaheim Angels fan. The thought of nine men swinging hard wood makes his asshole wet.”
So bad. None of his jokes really hit. I only listed all four so I could list all four of Tonys jokes.
??/???! This is mostly for Tony’s performance and for Earl Skakel getting Felipe to bomb twice on his last joke.
In the second undercard, Will Couch kept Joe Eurell on his losing streak!
Joe is seriously one of the best battlers we have. He was a lot to overcome. He has so much wrong with him so he’s like a never-ending well of roasting material. The mic is never close enough and it’s kinda hard to hear him. But he crushes it all the time. He’s one of the few battlers that I’ve seen get the best of a judge.
JOE ON WILL
“Will is so trashy, he comes from an above ground gene pool.”
“His name is Will Couch, two things things he won’t even leave behind in death.”
“I only lived in South Carolina until I was 12, the same age Will’s mom quit breastfeeding him.”
“Will’s father fought for apartheid in South Africa, so even he has a better chance than Will to kill in a black room.”
Joe is a fucking showman. He knows how to play this room almost as good as Earl can play it. Joe may have lost this battle but it was the best one he’s competed in so far due to the quality of his opponent. Will’s performance was the complete opposite of his first battle. He landed all four jokes and seemed like he was having a good time up there.
WILL ON JOE
“Joe looks like someone threw a voo doo doll in a blender.”
“Joe is from South Carolina but unlike the south Joe won’t rise again.”
“Joe looks like ET fucked the kid from ET.”
“Joe’s legs look like they were drawn by Joe’s hands.”
Great job guys!
In the third undercard, Leah Knauer made short work of Steven Alan Green!
Look at how confused Leah is. That’s how we all felt. Steve’s been in comedy for a thousand years. His name is on the wall. And he did so well in his first battle. How did he bomb this hard? And against a girl!?! Take one good look at Steve. You don’t think he’s harboring a lifetime of resentment towards women for rejecting him? This was your chance Steve! Do it for Linda who turned you down in 1977!
STEVE ON LEAH
“Leah is so culturally uninformed when she heard David Bowie died she cried and then she had to google who he fucking was.”
“Leah worked at Conan and her job was to make sure Conan had a fresh supply of jizz to put in his hair.”
“Leah’s career dream is to be Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence. She wants to steal jokes but do it with a bow and arrow.”
“Steven is such an asshole. I knew him before he became a loser.”
Oh man. Linda was right the whole time. People still use the word jizz? We’ll get back to that later. I’m just thankful Leah did her job.
LEAH ON STEVE
“Steven is the pedophile that wants to Netflix and children.”
“Steven looks like the only guy that would ask for a condiment before eating pussy.”
“The Comedy Store passed Steven twenty years ago. The only thing he’s passed since are kidney stones.”
“Steven Alan Green’s going on tour. This Spring, you can see him on the road when he jumps in front of a semi-truck on the 405.”
Niiiiice. Keep in mind everyone, Leah loves Jews and has never supported or represented the Aryan brotherhood.
??/???! It should be one or on the ? scale but Leah deserves better.
And in an excellent Main Event, Toby Muresianu vanquished Keith Carey!
Another solid Main Event in the books. These are two of our best battlers and it showed. It’s also the first battle wherein the first names of the battlers make up the name of a racist musician. The best part is we finally learned whether or not Keith would let the Wave smash. Keith immediately said “yes” and the Wave did not know what to do. So they fucked him, right there on the stage. Lolz, obvs that didn’t happen. But Keith sure got fucked by Toby. Toby proves once and for all that great writing and a commitment to your stage presence can win you any battle.
TOBY ON KEITH
“Keith blinks a lot, which sucks because he missed the entire time his dad was there.”
“Keith’s fat and I’m boring. But at least I’ll be boring into my forties.”
“Keith has fucked up teeth. It’s his body’s last attempt to stop him from chewing.”
“Keith’s gone to a lot of orgies. Which is another way of saying Keith has prevented a lot of orgies.”
“Keith doesn’t have a driver’s license so to get into bars he has to burst through the wall when someone mentions Kool-Aid.”
Toby’s “Kool-Aid” joke won the match for him. The crowd always wants a joke-off and we nearly got one. But after Moses had the judges confer a little longer, they decided to let Toby win in regulation. That’s not to say that Keith wasn’t awesome. It was pretty even until the Toby’s last joke.
KEITH ON TOBY
“If Jews control the media, Toby’s in charge of the part with all the My Little Pony fan fiction.”
“Toby doesn’t get women wet, he bores their pussies to tears.”
“Why do I feel like your favorite food is Chapstick?”
“Toby swore off meat. Now he only eats vegetables. Mostly because they’re the only women who don’t say ‘no.’”
“You’re a boring Jew who has political opinions nobody cares about. Your name should be Kike Fuckabee.”
Damn. Keith should get the W for the first use of the word kike in the history of the show.
??????/?????! Scale-breaker! And I’m not just referring to Keith!
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
“Felipe manages the other Mexicans at his work; he’s a real ‘Uncle Tomás’. – Tony Alfano
“Will is so trashy, he comes from an above ground gene pool.” – Joe Eurell
“Joe’s hands look like they were drawn by Joe’s hands.” – Will Couch
“Steven is the pedophile that wants to Netflix and children.” – Leah Knauer
“Keith doesn’t have a driver’s license so to get into bars he has to burst through the wall when someone mentions Kool-Aid.” – Toby Muresianu, ?
“Toby doesn’t get women wet, he bores their pussies to tears.” – Keith Carey
I am 85-50 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email email@example.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.