An instant classic of a photo from a slow, slow night here at Roast Battle. Good publicity for Niagara water bottles tho. It was so slow, it took until today to finish listening to it for the report. Yes…that’s what we’ll blame it on. Some other exciting things developed! Jason Reitman, filmmaker and Roast Battle fan, combined those two loves in a short at the Sundance FIlm Festival! Click that link to find out more info, including a few more screenings if you’re in the Utah area. Reitman recently described the show as a “reason to live in LA” and as the son of an even more famous person, I’m sure he knows his way around some shit. Riot LA is “riot” around the corner! It’s four of the hottest matches we’ve ever had and the best roaster in Los Angeles will be decided! Get tix now!
Alright. Let’s get to em.
In the first battle of the evening, Sarah Keller and David Deery ended in a draw!
“When did Tig Notaro get a moustache?” – Jeff Ross
“He looks old and young at the same time, like he could molest himself.” – a Sklar
“I thought we didn’t know each other then I realized he’s the guy who stares at me through my window.” – Sarah Keller
Some major David Deery heat during intros. If you never knew what you looked like then Roast Battle is the way to find out. Who needs mirrors? That’s still just your own perception. This battle was a gem and likely the best one of the night. Good energy back and forth. The judges were great and the jokes were on point.
SARAH ON DAVID
“When I accepted David’s challenge to roast, I became the first woman to say “yes” since he bought his wife from those traffickers.”
“David Deery lost his virginity to a cantaloupe but it was the third one he asked.”
“David started his comedy career in Berlin, officially making the Holocaust the second worst thing to happen in Germany.”
Funny, mean and to the point. I’m sure Mrs. Deery is lovely and David didn’t even keep the receipt. David was also good and may have had a little more punch than Sarah.
DAVID ON SARAH
“Sarah’s like the washing machine downstairs at the Comedy Store. No one know she exists and she’s full of comedians dirty loads.”
“Sarah, I’ve got “dad” bod but you’ve got ‘touched by your dad’ bod.”
“Sarah’s father is a drug addict so this won’t be the first time she’s been beaten by a man with a moustache.”
Great bits, great references. It made us all remember the time CBS tried to convince us heaven might be Scotland. Great battle that ended in a draw but if you ask this writer, double D may have gotten robbed.
In the second undercard, nobody won and the crowd lost after Gerard Peters and Victor Martinez Jr. battled!
Ouch. These guys may want this one back. #thisisnteasy. It started nice with some judge and Hater heat on Victor.
“You look like you’re ninety percent sour cream.” -Pat Barker
“When did the Verizon guy fuck Chaz Bono?” – Jeff Ross
But it was all downhill from there. Downhill isn’t fast enough. It was all a swan dive off a cliff into a black hole from there. #thisisjustablog
Here are their jokes(?).
“Victor Martinez should change his stage name to ‘Rosalita O’Donnell’.”
“Gerard is a retard.”
Alright, let’s find some positives. It didn’t take me long to recap so thanks for that. It’ll probably be a Worst of the Year nominee and that’s exciting! This concludes positive takeaways.
In the third undercard, Josejuan Pazos and Seth Woodward let us down and no one won!
Let’s get some positivity going. First, there wasn’t a pic for me to make fun of even more. Nice. Second, Boon might have an album coming out soon based on some of these shots he/she/it’s been putting out with Troy Conrad. This concludes positive takeaways. Again, #thisisnteasy and I’m told English was not the first language for either battler. Josejuan’s native tongue is “Spanish” and Seth’s is “disappointment”. If you ask me and if you’re reading this you kinda did, Seth maybe should have won? His first joke got a big enough laugh to get the W even though none of his other jokes hit.
SETH ON JOSEJUAN
“JJ manages to look like a big gay fruit and the immigrant who picked it.”
If only he could have carried that momentum. Josejuan is still one of the best names ever but dios mio was he bad.
JOSEJUAN ON SETH
“Seth has very light skin. That’s because it’s tough to get sunlight when you’re standing in the shade of funny people all the time.”
That joke either kinda hit or got a sympathy laugh. That combined with Seth’s opening joke saves this battle from being as bad as the one prior.
And in the Main Event, Nick Petrillo was too much for Tim Groeschel!
“I watched the battle with the sound off and it looked like a job interview at a strawberry farm.” – Dave Chappelle, after round one
“I just love the implication that Tim’s eaten fruit at any point in his life.” – Pat Barker, Hater and tourney finalist.
Dave always plays it cool then drops a JOTN contender. I had to have jinxed it. I went out of my way to say it would be a three rounder. This was as one-sided as it could get. Nick came with great jokes that were mean and specific to Tim.
NICK ON TIM
“Tim, you’re an alcoholic who takes the train to work at an oil company. You’re life is like the country song you’re gonna kill yourself to.”
“Tim you look like you make your money installing ‘whites only’ drinking fountains.”
“I may live on a couch but you’re exactly like a couch. Covered in animal fur and everyone’s wondering how you’re gonna fit through the door.”
All of Nick’s jokes hit. I only posted three because Tim barely had three and I like symmetry. Tim? Good job! Good effort!
TIM ON NICK
“Nick’s really the ‘asshole’ of comedy. He’s brown, disgusting and all he does is put out shit.”
“It’s better than looking like Pinocchio halfway through his donkey transformation.”
“Nick’s a greasy Italian. The last time I was battling something this disgusting, I was popping a grease ball on my back.”
Hey slugger. Get back in the ring ok? The rest of the show was funny around Tim! This concludes positive takeaways.
??/???! But only for Nick.
JOKES OF THE NIGHT
Some of Nick’s other bangers
Tim looks like he’s eaten every sheep he’s fucked.
That’s not Tim’s beard; that’s just a feed bag he chewed through two years ago..
When Tim dies he’s going to hell; because he won’t be able to climb the stairway to heaven.
“I watched the battle with the sound off and it looked like a job interview at a strawberry farm.” – Dave Chappelle
“Sarah, I’ve got “dad” bod but you’ve got ‘touched by your dad’ bod.” – David Deery
I am 86-50 in picks and my new tourney bracket is dunzo. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us IG, tweet us @roastbattle or email email@example.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.