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Ahh, what a beautiful “welcome back” shot from Troy Conrad. It’s late December at the Comedy Store and despite it being especially chilly, Josh Meyrowitz has his shirt off. All in the name of the show. Ever wonder where all the chants come from? If it’s not the Negro Wave, it’s this guy. He also dropped plug of epic proportions for LA Speedweed right before the battle started. He’s the total package if I’ve ever seen one and if you see him, give him a high-five and let him apologize for not doing anything wrong. #muchlove

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And here we have the Crimson Wave! Is it because of their hair color? Or are they all menstruating? We all know ladies only team up when it involves syncing a cycle. They were a delight and gave Earl Skakel a bunch of chances to say “cunt”, which honestly might have been the only thing missing from the show.

The first undercard had Joe Eurell getting upset by Ryan Broems!

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“This guy(Ryan) looks like the guy whose been stealing his disability checks.” – Keith Carey

“He does a lot more shit than people that are physically capable do…” – Ryan on how Joe inspires him. #derp

“Like cocaine!” – Joe, in response.

GREAT BATTLE. One of the best opening battles we’ve had in a long time. It’s cool that Ryan wore sunglasses indoors, at night, just to make sure Joe wasn’t the most retarded looking person on stage. It’s also cool that he wrote hilariously mean jokes that could only be about Joe. And no swearing!

RYAN ON JOE

“I was taught that man created God in his image and then I met Joe. And I learned that God is a velociraptor.”

“Joe likes to brag that he’s Irish so I did some research. Turns out his mom his one hundred percent Irish and his dad is a crunchy Cheeto.”

“If you can’t see Joe on stage, you can see him on Hollywood Boulevard dressed up as Cripple-Me-Elmo.”

Alright, now imagine a Crunchy Cheetoraptor and we have a marketing cornerstone for the next Jurassic World film. Joe-rassic World? Moving on…Joe came in with wrists swinging but just wasn’t enough.

JOE ON RYAN

“Ryan is really making a name for himself in LA. Not because of his comedy, but because he has to register when he moves to a new neighborhood.”

“I’m surprised Ryan has time to write roast material since most of his writing takes place on a piece of cardboard asking for money.”

“Ryan’s poverty has hurt his social life. He can’t even afford ICP tickets or his Juggalo face paint anymore.”

Joe may have lost the battle but he won the war with the following exchange.

“You had such amazing punchlines. The issue is, you just always have to ask yourself, ‘Do I have enough working nerve cells to make this joke?’” – Gunslinger Guy Branum

“I have more brain cells than you have white blood cells.” – Joe, shutting shit down on these clowns. #canigetawitness

? ? ? ?/ ? ? ?! Scale-breaker!

The next battle had the Eric Hollerbach and Erik Wargo stop all the good vibes and momentum from the last battle! Nobody won!

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There were no pictures of this battle. And it’s for the best. One guy brought pictures as a prop and the other guy brought no punchlines and horrible stage presence as a prop. I’m sure these two are nice guys and pay their taxes and everything but this was a train wreck. Hollerbach supposedly ran a New Orleans Roast Battle but if his performance was any indicator, that show probably left more people in the streets asking “Why, God?” than Hurricane Katrina. This was Wargo’s to win! To give me another W in the picks! You let us all down. Here are what they thought were jokes.

ERIC ON ERIK

“Erik Wargo looks like if Moby was a hobby comic.”

“Erik Wargo’s on the Jared Fogle weight loss plan, where the real goal is getting into smaller pants.”

These were prop assisted. Excuse me while I vom.

ERIK ON ERIC

“Eric hosts the New Orleans roast. The only difference there, everyone sits at a hater’s table.”

“Eric, this is such a horrible idea, Joe’s thinking of walking out of here.”

Geez. We need a cane or something for when Moses has to usher people off stage after a bad performance. #thisisnteasy #thisisjustablog

? ? ?/? ? ?!

The Main Event found Connor McSpadden victorious over Dan Nolan!

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“I’ve never seen a ‘before and after’ picture in real life before.” – Keith Carey. Dude, how did you lose in this tourney?

Another stellar Main Event. Connor is just too good. Who beat him? Shouldn’t I know? More at 11. Guy Branum had some choice words regarding Connor’s delivery but I don’t know he was listening to because it seemed like Connor knew exactly how to deliver his “Dan” jokes.

CONNOR ON DAN 

“Dan looks like the world’s youngest Vietnam vet.”

“Dan’s excited to celebrate nine months sober because he’ll beat his mom’s pregnancy record.”

“Wow, that joke really bombed. Maybe you should stick to roasting spoons.”

“Dan’s teeth are so brown and disorganized, his mouth is like a Black Lives Matter protest.”

“Seriously Dan, do you also use black tar toothpaste?”

“Dan, you look like every defeated Scooby-Doo villain.”

“Dan’s so creepy, if you did a painting of him, the eyes would follow you out to the parking lot.”

He even prepared a joke in case Dan bombed! Dan doesn’t bomb very often. Except for a few times in this battle. He saved his best jokes for round three which is normally a great strategy. But you have to make it to round three for it to work and we only got there due to some shady officiating.

DAN ON CONNOR

“Connor got molested by his deaf cousin when he was a kid. It wouldn’t have happened if he had been able to hear Connor’s standup.”

“Connor works out a lot to maintain his Aryan physique, He looks burning crossfit.”

“Connor’s got the build of an Abercrombie mannequin if it somehow had less pubes.”

“Connor’s so white he thought Def Jam was the sticky stuff his cousin left on him.”

“Connor looks like he’d roofie a chick and then still be super nervous about the first kiss.”

“I’ve lost a lot friends to heroin. Connor’s lost a lot of friends ever since his parents got rid of the trampoline.”

“Connor once let a chick fuck him with a strap-on. To this day, she’s still the biggest name he’s ever opened for.”

Oh, what could have been if Dan had spread his jokes out a little better. Connor is a force to be reckoned with though. Good luck to whomever should choose to battle him next.

? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?!

JOKES OF THE NIGHT

“Joe likes to brag that he’s Irish so I did some research. Turns out his mom his one hundred percent Irish and his dad is a crunchy Cheeto.” Ryan on Joe

“I have more brain cells than you have white blood cells.” – Joe replying to Guy Branum

“Connor’s so white he thought Def Jam was the sticky stuff his cousin left on him.” – Dan on Connor

“Dan’s so creepy, if you did a painting of him, the eyes would follow you out to the parking lot.” – Connor on Dan

I am 79-47 in picks and my new tourney bracket is dunzo. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Follow show sponsor LA SpeedWeed on Twitter! Shout to the great Troy Conrad for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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