A crowd that’s ready to roast. An Earl that’s ready to hate.
This time, the Battle Spotlight has to be on the Great Photog, Troy Conrad. He is a great human being, an excellent photgrapher and produces a fantastic comedy show called, “Set List” that is a must-see. I happened by the show one day way back when and got to see the late Robin Williams close it out. So, thanks Troy for helping me see him live at least once. We’ll shine the light on Troy in a way he might prefer…with his great photos.
The only Proud Mary whose burn is a sensation when she pees.
A mid-twitch pic of Keith Carey? Most impressive.
Breathtaking. In a room filled with fire. Thanks Troy!
Week old reviews, I know. Look for tomorrow’s preview to come out Tuesday afternoon!
Our first undercard had Al Bahmani (2-0, 30) taking down Chance Royce (0-2, 99 )!
“I won’t hit a woman but I will roast a bitch.”- Al, taking charge of the battle with a pre-battle joke.
Fantastic first battle. Al had this quiet, bugged vibe that worked for him. He’s definitely learned and gotten better in his two battles and you can see it in his joke writing. Chance had a decent stage presence and his jokes were good. Oh wait, I mean bad. Chance’s jokes were bad.
CHANCE ON AL
“Al’s had the same glasses for 10 years. The only thing he’s used longer…are his jokes.”
“You look like one of those uncles that might touch you or, even worse, tell you one of his shitty jokes.”
He helped provide a good show so it wasn’t a total bomb. #tryingtobenicer. Al just was not going to be denied. Sneaking in a joke when Moses is introducing you can be great and Al followed his up with some great jokes.
AL ON CHANCE
“Chance Royce is an environmentally safe comic, he uses 75% recycled premises.”
“Chance is named after the one thing no woman or Hollywood would every give him.”
“He keeps a Dad bod to remind him of the father he never had.”
Take note, future roasters, that Al didn’t really swear or use dirty premises to take down Chance. Top battlers Jerron Horton (4-3, 9) and Omid Singh (5-3, 11) have employed this strategy as well.
This battle recieves a strong ? ? / ? ? ? on the #FEScale. Let’s start that hash.
Our second undercard had Dan Nolan (1-0, 43) dominating Rasheed Stephens (1-2, 78)!
“No black girl would allow them jeans!” – Ralphie, upon hearing Dan had a black girlfriend.
Hot damn this was a great loss. It’s tough to win twice in a row. Especially if your opponent is an idiot savant in a postal worker’s shirt. Rasheed had just as good a fight as he did last week. His opponent was just much, much better. I knew the pick was lost when Dan stated his confidence in his jokes in the same tone Rain Man would use to tell you how many pretzel sticks fell out of the bag.
DAN ON RASHEED
“Rasheed’s a shitty comic with a Muslim name. The only agents who give him a second look work for the TSA.”
“Rasheed thinks my glasses make me look like a rapist. He’s actually got rapist glasses too. They’re what he serves women drinks in.”
“As a comic the closest Rasheed could ever get to a headlining spot is if it was a headline that read ‘Unarmed Comic Shot by Police.”
“Rasheed could totally do a Def Comedy Jam. Deaf People would have no problem reading his giant lips.”
I posted all four because they all crushed. Remember Dan Lewis Fawcett (1-0, 56)? I guess if you’re name is Dan and you look like a damaged youth with the potential to shoot up a school, you are prime Roast Battle material.
RASHEED ON DAN
“Dan looks like the kind of guy who would shoot up a school and then molest the corpse afterwards.”
“Dan doesn’t need Tinder. Amber alerts go straight to his phone.”
Sheed had an intro joke miss it’s mark, so we have examples of that succeeding and failing in one night. Also, all of his jokes were about Dan looking a pedophile. That can be used against one out of every four comics. Dan’s jokes were all different and specific things about Rasheed. Specificity is a Key to Vict, brought to you this week by Snacky Smores.
Dan and not Rasheed shall receive ? ? ? / ? ? ? on the #FEScale. Dan crushed so hard, Moses didn’t even have to say Dan’s name or put his hand over his head when letting the crowd judge. He merely sighed and the crowd knew what to do.
And in our Main Event, Keith Carey (5-1, 7) pulled a win out of his fat against Olivia Grace (4-1, 6)!
“Is this show just an excuse to be racist?” – Pete Holmes, finally getting it.
“YES!” – Everyone.
“If the KKK ever finds about this, you’re gonna have to move into the big room.” – Pete again, with expansion ideas.
The judges really crushed it on this one. All four had great chemistry. Even when Pete didn’t know how the Main Event was supposed to play out. Mike Lawrence (1-0-1, 5HR) had a pop culture reference chambered at all times.
“Man that was tit-for-tit. That was like a deleted scene from Heavyweights.”
Of course these two Roastie winners would give us an early candidate for Battle of the Year. Jeff Ross proclaimed that jokes from both Olivia and Keith were some of the best he’d ever heard at Roast Battle. The first round was so hot that Moses declared it a push. Olivia fumbled the second round but still closed it out strong. The jokes were top of the line. Something we’ve come to expect from battlers from the OC not named Matt Cole (0-2, 100).
OLIVIA ON KEITH
“Keith has Tourette’s but most of his ticks come from jerking off in a bush.”
“Keith’s ego is more inflated then the bounce house he was molested in.”
“Keith was there for my DUI arrest but well all be there for Keith’s cardiac arrest.”
“Keith carey is proof that cigarettes have calories.”
“Keith looks the way it feels to get fired from an Arby’s.”
Hot fire. Mike Lawrence said it was the best battle he’s seen. Ralphie May hated Keith for the first two rounds but had to give him the respect he deserved at the end.
KEITH ON OLIVIA
“Olivia wants to fuck her way to the top. Except no one can lift her that high.”
“She tried to get out of the DUI arrest by flashing her tits and the cop upped the charge to assaulting an officer.”
“Olivia’s signature sex move is called the ‘Dane Cook’. A few minutes of sweaty flailing then she spits out material provided by better comedians.”
“Olivia grace is the first person to ever have the cocaine go straight to her thighs.”
“People asked me all week if I was nervous to fight Olivia Grace. I said I was so confident I would fight with the hand that writes her best jokes tied behind my back.”
Great fight. The first full ? ? ? ? ? / ? ? ? ? ?of the young Roast Battle season!
JUDGE’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Olivia grace is the first person to ever have the cocaine go straight to her thighs.” – Keith Carey
WRITER’S JOKE OF THE NIGHT
“Rasheed thinks my glasses make me look like a rapist. He’s actually got rapist glasses too. They’re what he serves women drinks in.” – Dan Nolan
See you next week, folks.
I am 46-28 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Listen to the podcast! Keep with the ranks! Headliner ranks too! Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us@roastbattle or email firstname.lastname@example.org for questions/concerns/other stuff.