by Jay Light, photos by Troy Conrad

As usual, the energy of Roast Battle crackles like a Tesla coil. You can feel the energy coursing through you even if you’re part of the at-home audience watching on Periscope. Although there’s an estrogen-heavy night in store for Roast Battle fans, our first bout is the only one which pits two dudes against each other: Julian Fernandez versus Tony Asar. These nearly-winless wonders are looking to redeem losing records against each other tonight.

After bringing Julian on to a trap remix of a mariachi song, Coach plays Tony’s standard entrance theme of “Bitch I’m From Pomona”. Tony is all smiles as he strides onstage. Moses asks him why he decided to battle Julian.

“I’m just here for two reasons: to talk shit and LOSE.” – Tony Asar

The crowd chuckles. They’re new; they don’t know the sordid history of black battlers. Moses explains how there have been over three dozen black battlers and how their combined wins are still in the single digits – a little inaccurate, especially now that we’ve seen stellar work from the likes of Jamar Neighbors and Yamaneika Saunders – but the details aren’t too far removed from the truth. The boys get the match underway.

“Tony is 0 and 4 in Roast Battle. He’s tried to win Roast Battle harder than he’s tried to win a custody battle.”

"Julian worked at a strip club, and he was the loosest insecure pussy there.”

“Tony, you dress like the Sunken Place is a Men’s Wearhouse.”

“Julian, the only difference between me and you is that if I went to prison, I’d come out with a platinum album. If you went to jail, you’d just come out the closet.”

“Tony runs a podcast called Alt-Black. I guarantee after you listen to it you’ll think ‘do black lives matter?’”

"Thank you for the plug. It’s on iTunes, check it out.”

“I’m sure your one subscriber’s very happy for that plug.”

“Julian claims to have lost his virginity to a stripper, but in actuality, he just jerked off with some glitter.”

The firing squad – Tony Hinchcliffe, Al Jackson, and Jeff Ross – starts slinging hot takes as soon as the closing bell rings.

“This was like a young funeral home director versus a little league sumo wrestler.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

Julian is praised a little more than Tony, and ultimately takes home his second win in history.

In between battles, Jeff introduces the Saudi Prince.

“What’s up, my Jew!” – Saudi Prince

“My Jew?! Is that how you greet him?” – Moses

“Uh…our Jew?” – Saudi Prince

Jeff soldiers on, asking the Steph Curry of hatred what he thinks of the battle he just saw.

“I’m impressed that you got the guy from Get Out…and Mexican Dean Cain.” – Saudi Prince

After the crowd dies down, Fizaa Dosani and Mike Gamms take the stage for the night’s second bout.

“I think I used to own her.” – Saudi Prince

Coach brings Mike Gamms up to the strains of The Offspring’s “Why Don’t You Get A Job?” He comes on stage looking like he’s unqualified for every job.

“I just think it’s cool that you’re letting rickshaw drivers come in here and battle.” – Al Jackson

After the judges verbally assault Mike for the outfit he clearly cobbled together from the lost-and-found at a rave, Fizaa elects to go first. The jokes start flying.

“Mike looks like the type of guy that would suck a dick for coke and forget the coke.”

“Last year, Fizaa performed multiple shows with a broken leg in a cast. It was the first time being a cute brown girl wasn’t the only crutch she used on stage.”

“Mike recently turned 30, but let’s not forget to also wish a happy birthday to his gonorrhea, which turns 12 today.”

“Fizaa says that she would never date an Indian guy, and she wears a leather jacket. She’s a bigger disappointment to India than if she co-starred in Short Circuit." 

Mike’s reference falls flat on its face. Fizaa capitalizes with a joke that is so well-crafted, the audience begins to crack up during the setup:

"When Mike inevitably overdoses, it’ll be the first and last time in his life he ever overachieves.”

“Fizaa’s last name is Dosani, which makes her the only Indian water I wouldn’t mind putting my pipeline through.”

Mike closes on a joke that doubles as a compliment, angling for the sympathy pussy he already knows he’s going to need when he inevitably loses this battle.

“If I was betting, I would put my money on the girl who does tech support for Whoville.” – Saudi Prince

The judges are all fans of Fizaa.

“I sensed a little nervousness in his voice, the same way he gets when he’s around a playground. Or the Penn State campus. You look like the guy who wants to go shoot up a school but you dressed like a student to fit in.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“That was really funny all around. I think gay Spider-Man had a few good ones…” – Jeff Ross

Fizaa explains to Jeff that this was only her second battle, the last time she was here was before his involvement with the show. He encourages her to come back. After wondering what Mike’s standup is like, Jeff gives Fizaa Dosani his vote of confidence.

“Is that her real name or her Wu-Tang name?” – Saudi Prince

Fizaa wins over the crowd as well, earning a well-deserved victory.

The last battle before the break is our first-ever pornstar battle: Silvia Saige vs. Wesley Woods.

“I’m starting to recognize you with your clothes on.” – Jeff Ross

The duo has tons of likability from the jump. While we can’t tell if Silvia will pull out her tits again, as she infamously did a few weeks ago as part of a bit with the Wave, the crowd is ready to roll regardless. Silvia elects to get the proceedings started.

“Wesley Woods, ladies and gentlemen. The Ryan Gosling of comedy. Both were middle children and both were child stars. Wesley, what was the name of your movie? Don’t Tell Mom Grandpa’s Inside Me?”

“Ouch. If you guys notice, Silvia has one brown eye and one blue eye. Who am I kidding, no one looks a whore in the face.”

Wesley gets an extremely loud pop on this line and decides to soldier on instead of cutting his potential losses. The gamble pays off.

“Turn around and show them the brown eye they wanna see, baby.”

“Wesley is an extremely attractive man. In fact, in the straight world, we might even call him a 9. But in the gay world, that translates to AIDS.”

“Silvia has a tramp stamp tattoo that she wishes she never had. Silvia, you are the tramp stamp tattoo your mother wishes she never had.”

“That should’ve got more.” – Al Jackson

“Wesley has a 90-year-old sugar daddy he lets fuck him in the ass for a few hundred dollars a pop. It’s a step up from when he let his grandfather fuck him in the ass for a ring-flavored cherry pop.”

“Silvia’s from Kansas, just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. Only if this bitch were to click her heels three times and say ‘there’s no place like home,’ she’d wake up in her car.”

This battle was fun, earning respect from the judges for their comedy and their charisma. Wesley in particular seems very in the zone, bantering back and forth with the panel with ease.

“You look like you do crossfit.” – Al Jackson

“Is that a position I don’t know about?” – Jeff Ross

“You can find out! I’m tellin’ you, I will fuck my way to the top if I need to, baby.” – Wesley Woods

“I’m so turned on that you think I’m the top!” – Jeff Ross

Wesley gets the vote of confidence from the firing squad, and the audience votes finds him slightly ahead. After a brief break, we return with the main events. First up is a 3-joke squeeze between Nicole Becannon and Jeff “The Danish” Danis.

“This looks like the male and female version of the exact same person.” – Jeff Ross 

The battlers are asked why they are fighting tonight.

“I believe in facing your fears head on, and my biggest fear is being and old and unsuccessful as he is.” – Nicole Becannon

“I may be older, but younger isn’t always better. If you need a reminder, look down at your body.” – Jeff Danis

Danish takes a shot at the Saudi Prince after firing at Nicole. Jeff comes to the Prince’s defense, but it’s obvious that Danish is playing to win tonight.

“A lot of people don’t know this, but Nicole’s gotten some work as a warm-up. Like that time she warmed up Dan Nolan’s cock so Olivia Grace could fuck it." 

"Jeff, my sex life is about as relevant as your career.”

“Pretty relevant, then." 

"You’re battling a 24-year-old open micer to help your career. I may have lost my virginity to a comedian, but you’re losing your dignity to one." 

"Joke’s on you, my dignity’s been gone for at least ten years, so go fuck yourself. Shitney Cummings’s got jokes over here. Nicole has a face for podcasting and a voice for suicide." 

"Jeff used to be a door guy at the Comedy Store, but look at you now. You’re as successful as a door guy at the Comedy Store." 

"Nicole lost her virginity when she was 22. If the US tweeted out pictures of virgins who looked like her, it would really fuckin’ stop terrorism.”

Danish’s prickly jokes haven’t exactly resonated with the crowd throughout the whole battle, but this flop practically signs, seals, and delivers a victory to Nicole. After Danish accuses the crowd of being pro-terrorist, Nicole slits his throat.

“Jeff, do you call yourself ‘The Danish’ because of all the fat girls that hate themselves when they let you inside of them?”

Nicole’s impressive performance is praised by the panel unanimously.

“This is a battle of, like, David vs. Goliath, and I only say that because Nicole looks like some guy I know named David." 

Tony takes a few more shots at Nicole’s looks and general lack of experience and she fires back with some venom of her own. 

"Tony, unlike some people, I didn’t want to mess up my One Shot.”

The tried-and-true method of shitting on Tony’s Netflix special works wondefully here, despite derision from Tony. Ultimately, Nicole deservedly wins the battle, notching her third victory out of seven battles and edging towards .500.

The night’s penultimate battle, Dan Nolan versus Sarah Keller, keeps the energy alive. Sarah says she wants to battle Dan so he can use all the leftover slut jokes he wrote for Kim. 

“She’s right, I had a bunch of generic slut jokes left over from Kim Congdon, and I figured who better to use them on than this generic slut?”

We’re off to the races, folks. 

“You look like the world’s oldest GILF." 

"Dan’s gained a lot of weight since quitting heroin, which is great since now his stretch marks hide his track marks." 

"Sarah got to do a cameo on last season of Roast Battle on Comedy Central. It was the first time she’d been on Comedy Central since they stopped airing those Girls Gone Wild promos." 

"I would describe Dan’s body type as 100% Fuck No." 

"Sarah’s vagina is like a piece of expensive jewelry: it gets worn out by a bunch of wealthy old Greek men." 

"Dan stick to the white trash main food groups: Monster energy drinks, bologna, and his sister’s vagina." 

"Sarah trains horses for a living, and her pussy’s so big you have to eat it out of a trough." 

"That’s funny coming from a guy who looks like he has to add ranch before he eats a girl’s pussy." 

"Sarah once dumped a guy after she found out he had a retarded son, because she didn’t want to share her crayons." 

"I am country, Dan, but we all know that you can find the needle in any haystack.”

While Dan is no slouch on stage, Sarah is on another level tonight, proving she’s ready to battle the titans of the sport with her well-crafted jokes and snappy comebacks.

“She got you, homie. Good try though.” – Al Jackson 

Jeff praises Sarah for getting silly, and Tony praises her for continuing tonight’s streak of women crushing men in the ring. It was a great battle, but Sarah had Dan’s number. The junkie underdog is no match for the blonde bombshell.

Finally, the night’s three-round main event, Quentin Thomas (née Moscaritolo) and Anna Valenzuela, shows up ready to rumble. Anna starts off being relentlessly positive, which Jeff appreciates, but the rest of the room seems thrown by her seemingly plastered-on smile. Anna usually comes into the room with bubbly energy cut with a layer of obvious viciousness. Tonight, however, she comes off as a hair too supportive.

After some confusion over how many rounds this battle is supposed to go, the proceedings begin.

“As an Uber driver, Quentin picked up cocaine for a $20 tip. But sticking it up his ass was for the love of the game." 

"Anna fucks younger dudes just so she’ll know how it feels to have a kid inside her." 

"You look like your racecar bed is a Subaru." 

"That’s funny, because you look like a showgirl in a part of Vegas no one goes to." 

"Quentin’s first attempt at standup was on America’s Got Talent. He thought AGT stood for A Giant Tard." 

"I would do a joke about how lazy Mexicans are, but with her jokes tonight, she’s proving Mexicans are lazy for me.”

Quentin seems extremely in the zone while Anna seems not totally in the moment during this first round. Anna even says that Quentin did a great job as the judges vote for him. When Tony calls her out for this, there is a tete-a-tete between the two of them, with Anna lobbing more bombs about Tony’s special. As the jokes about Tony’s special threaten to jump the shark and turn too real, Quentin steps in with impeccable timing:

“Tony, I did watch your special…and it fuckin’ sucked, guys!" 

Al votes for Quentin, and offers some fashion advice. 

"Stop wearing t-shirts for irony, man.”

Jeff predicts that Anna will channel some of her anger towards Tony into taking on Quentin. Boy, does she ever. Quentin starts round two…

“We all know Anna from Jeff Ross Presents ‘We’re In Desperate Need Of Diversity.’" 

"Anna has her black belt. Apparently if you fuck enough boring white dudes, you just become one.”

“What do Anna’s tits and her parents have in common? You have to dig through six feet of padding to see them.”

…but Anna regains some of the powerhouse energy we’re used to seeing from her and steamrolls Quentin.

“Quentin’s tried to kill himself 4 times. He’s just jealous that my parents are 2 and 0 at something he’s 0 for 4 on." 

"Quentin never lost his baby teeth. Or his baby dick." 

"Quentin moved to Boston to get away from his abusive ex-girlfriend. There, he started going by his real name: faggot.”

“Who knew Anna was sittin’ on faggot the whole time?” – Al Jackson 

The judges vote unanimously for Anna, sending the battle to a third round.

“You know, Mexicans have an interesting relationship with cards. The ones that are illegal are trying to get their green cards, the ones that play football are always getting red cards, and Anna will never get a Mother’s Day card.”

“Quentin had a role in the show Oz as all the sad prison rape." 

"No one casts me in Hollywood, idiot. Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind her is Anna, tryign to sell her a poison apple." 

"You spoiled Orange County brat. You’re the only kid I know who tried to cut his wrists with his mom’s credit card." 

"So accurate. You have no idea. Multiple of Anna’s boyfriends have died. But how else were they supposed to meet her parents?" 

"Quentin’s a lot like Tina Turner, except if Ike hit him, he’d just cum." 

Anna’s final joke, like so many of hers during this match, falls completely flat. She tries to save face with this sheepish proclamation: 

"I did my best, guys.”

Tony labels this line from Anna as the saddest moment of the entire night. He’s not that far off-base. Anna and Tony continue to get into weird arguments, but Quentin manages to bring some levity back into the room. 

“I feel like my parents are fighting.” – Quentin

While Anna is regarded as one of the better battlers in the game, tonight she proves to be no match for a man scorned by an abusive ex-girlfriend. Quentin wins the judges’ votes, the audience’s heart, and a hand-raising from Moses for toppling one of the most dynamic battlers out there.

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This