The anticipation in the room is palpable, the audience is frothing at the mouth at what will go down as one of the greatest nights in belly room history. We have a full VIP section with Kim Congdon, Luis J. Gomez, Earl Skakel, Tony Hinchliffe, Leonard Robinson, and Jeff Ross. A stacked judges section filled with Roast Battle favorites.
First up we have Nicole Becannon vs. Robin Tran. Nicole is brought up first and looks confident and ready. Robin joins her on stage wearing John Cena footie pajamas, which prompts Jeff to ask “Are you transforming into a child?”
Robin volunteers to go first, she has a slight misstep but easily recovers.
“Nicole has a tattoo on her wrist that says ‘invincible’ and a razor blade that says ‘we’ll see about that.’”
“Before she transitioned, she was fired for sexual harassment and kissed women without their permission. I mean Robert Tran was so creepy, he even kept a woman trapped in his body.”
“Nicole says she has borderline personality disorder, because it’s a lot nicer than calling yourself a fucking cunt who cries a lot.”
“I have BPD, ADD, and Robin has a big ol’ D. Robin actually gained a lot of weight because it’s the only way to make her dick disappear without health insurance.”
“Nicole doesn’t take shit from anybody. In fact, when you call her Miss Piggy, she says, ’Excuse me, don’t you mean MS. Piggy?’”
“Robin and I actually worked in a writer’s room together. She hardly ever wore a dress but she still did drag— down an entire project.”
“Nicole, what is up with your eyes? I wish they would make like your legs and open up all the way.”
“You know Robin, come to think of it, I don’t think you need the surgery, it seems pointless to put a fake vagina on a real cunt.”
“Nicole, I know you’re self-conscious about looking ugly on TV, but don’t worry, you look much uglier in person. You’re very brave”
“Robin doesn’t ever want to be called ‘brave.’ She wants to transcend definitions, you know, she wants to be bigger than her race and bigger than her gender. And I think you’ve succeeded, you are bigger than most Asian women.”
This was probably the battle of the night. After the “weight joke” Robin conceded and actually said, “I think she just won the fucking battle.” Every single joke from Nicole was flawless. Robin had fantastic jokes, but the “Ms. Piggy” one didn’t hit. Robin is a phenomenal joke writer, but Nicole is on another level entirely, her own Nicole planet where she’s untouchable, every joke was a masterpiece and she flawlessly takes the W.
Next up we have the champ Frank Castillo vs. Alex Duong. Alex has Frank go first.
“Alex’s mom passed away recently, we were really close, she used to follow me, around her liquor store.”
“Frank my mother’s death is a lot like your comedy. See, she died in her sleep and Frank dies while his audiences sleep.”
“He’s a real Pander Express. Alex constantly complains about the white-washing of movie rolls, leave it to the Asian guy to complain about Hollywood’s dirty laundry.”
“Frank you don’t speak Spanish, you married a white girl, and you listen to Coldplay. You’re more whitewashed than the clothes your mother had to clean to get you here.”
“Alex looks like he’s said the N word for every pair of Jordan’s his family made.”
“That’s funny coming from someone that looks like the minion that molested the other minions.”
“Alex got a writing job before me, I’m not jealous, a writer’s room is only as strong as its weakest chink.”
“Frank I’m Asian, but why do you look like you spend all your time at Panda Express… as the panda.”
“Alex made his tv debut roasting Robin Tran, ironically Alex looks exactly how Robin would if she could afford the surgery.”
“Frank and his family can drink you under the table. It’s also the only place they know how to get paid.”
Frank’s last joke didn’t hit, because it was said by Tony right before the battle started. He probably should have closed on another joke. It was a decent battle, but the judges expected more from both of them. Alex had the stronger jokes and wins.
Next up we have Doug Fager vs. Keith Carey. Doug comes out dressed as Santa Claus and hands out candy canes to the audience. Keith joins him on stage wearing, unfortunately for him, an ill-fitting red jacket that is too hilariously similar to Doug’s Santa jacket. Doug says he wanted to battle Keith because…
“Keith recently got a job that I thought I was perfect for, so I thought I’d take a job that he’s perfect for, Santa Claus.”
Keith joins the stage and immediately address the elephant in the room, himself, saying, “I am really regretting wearing this stupid fucking [red] jacket right now.” Both of these guys seem calm, confident and ready to kill. Doug volunteers to go first.
“When someone gives Keith a blowjob, they don’t always throw up, but they do always blow chunks.”
“Doug’s brother passed away from food poisoning, but you’re keeping his memory alive. Because every time I look at you, I think, ‘This guy can eat shit and die.’”
“At least food’s going to kill you both. When Keith dies he’s going to be the first person buried six feet under and seven across.”
“Doug is the whitest person I’ve ever seen. He looks like he says the n-word with a hard dick.”
“Keith was born such fat white trash that his first stroller was a wheelbarrow.”
“Here’s how forgettable Dan is. He’s done 18 battles, he’s written for every season of the show, and most of you didn’t notice that I just called him Dan.”
“Keith recently told me he’s only seen his dad three times in the past 10 years, and until then I had no idea that his dad…is a salad.”
“I’m bisexual, Doug is more of a metrosexual. By which I mean he’s definitely fingered somebody on a bus.”
“Keith used to go to craigslist glory holes, oh the glory (Old Glory begins to softly play over the speakers), like so many that had come before him, and in him, Keith took some shots and he gave some shots. So today I would like to recognize this true American gaytriot, though your sex may be anonymous, (music gets louder) your name will live on forever, in a truck stop bathroom just outside Bakersfield. Amen.”
“I don’t even want to roast you anymore, that was beautiful. Doug was raised Christian. His dad taught him all about the father, the son, and the hole he buried the other son in.”
That’s a fucking battle. Jeff said it best, “I was laughing so hard I forgot to keep score.” They both had a flawless round; every joke hit hard and was delivered with ease. Doug’s soliloquy prompted a “gaytriot” chant from the crowd, and Keith’s “Dan” joke was dubbed one of the best jokes by Luis J. Gomez who added that this was “one of the best battles he’s ever seen,” the audience agrees and demands one more joke.
“Doug once had sex with a woman in a Midwestern corn field. And somewhere in the distance, he heard a voice say, ‘If you filled it, she won’t cum.’”
“Keith once tried to hang himself, it obviously didn’t work, because he couldn’t find a belt in a size 44 neck.”
Doug’s last joke is criticized for its inaccuracy by Tony, but Luis and Kim say it didn’t get the credit it deserved. Keith’s joke hit harder with the audience and he takes it in overtime. This will certainly be a contender for Battle of the Year.
It’s time for the title match with Toby Muresianu vs. Leah Kayajanian, and they have their work cut out for them following this night of absolute brilliance. Leah looks ready to carve Toby like a thanksgiving turkey, and Toby looks like he needs to get back to teaching 8th grade science. Toby volunteers to go first.
“People say Leah is flat-chested, I disagree, Leah you have great pecs.”
“Can we move this along? Toby has to get back to avoiding eye contact while he sets up your printer.”
“Leah got a guy fired for sexual harassment, which teaches us an important lesson about sexual harassment, it doesn’t matter what you look like.”
“How are you a vegetarian and look like you’re dying of scurvy?”
“Leah has a Foo Fighters tramp stamp, I can’t imagine how embarrassing that must be, for the Foo Fighters.”
“Toby doesn’t have any tattoos unless you count the one on his lower abdomen that indicates he’s been neutered.”
Leah has a perfect round, while Toby’s jokes weren’t as original as he usually has, and Leah sweeps the first round, with Tony being the only judge that voted for Toby, proving his judgement is as bad as the person who passed him at the store. Leah starts us off for the second round.
“You look like you got kicked out of being Amish cuz you’re too weak to churn butter.”
“I can’t decide if Toby’s girlfriend saves more lives by being a doctor or by fucking Toby.”
“When Toby’s girlfriend wants to fuck, she just sets him to ‘vibrate.’”
Toby hits back.
“Leah’s the only person with two unibrows.”
“Leah just got back together with her boyfriend, who’s actually a really good barber, he even fades in and out of her life.”
“Leah started a comedy softball league, because no one else wanted to arm wrestle.”
Much better round by Toby, but still not enough to beat Leah, the first three judges easily give it Leah, the next three give it to Toby, all stating they are voting for Toby so that they can see a third round. It’s a draw and we are going to round three. Toby goes first.
“People always compare Leah to a bird, that’s ridiculous, birds have eggs.”
“I didn’t even want to roast Toby – I’m just working with the Special Victims Unit so they can search his apartment right now.”
“You know what they say, you can take the girl out of Oklahoma, but you can’t make her interesting.”
“Toby has a podcast called ‘Up close and political.’ It should be called ‘Far away is preferable.’”
“Leah’s a big fan of Kanye West, not for his music, for his work with the untalented Armenian community.”
“You look like a milkman whose wife is fucking another milkman.”
Toby has a phenomenal round and definitely takes it. After the judges state their dismay over Leah having technically won the first two rounds, but they wanted a third, which Toby took, we are forced into overtime. Leah goes first.
“Toby’s very active in the community. Before the last election, he knocked on doors…to tell his neighbors he’s a sex offender.”
“Ya, Leah looks like a bird, she’s Middle Eastern, but at least when she flies into a building, she’ll die.”
The crowd demands more and Toby continues.
“Leah works at a school for kids with ADD, they point at her career and say, ‘this is what will happen if you don’t fucking focus.’”
“Would anyone be surprised if we found out Toby’s upper body was two pepperoni slices on a bag of mayonnaise?”
Leah’s last joke doesn’t hit, and Toby takes it. It’s extremely difficult to write 9 killer jokes, let alone having two more for overtime. Toby’s ADD joke solidifies his win, despite the iffy circumstances to which we went into OT, Toby remains the Belly Room champion.
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