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by Tony Bartolone, photos by Troy Conrad

“If you’re a comic, sooner or later, you will either befriend, financially support, or become a homeless person.” – Sarah Silverman

Something not often talked about is that Roast Battle is a form of storytelling. You are telling the story of another person through jokes. For instance, if anybody has been paying attention to my ongoing narrative, it makes perfect sense for me to battle in a trashcan. I’m homeless. I’ll spare you the details and philosophy of my personal life, but I’ve spent most of the years of my adult life obsessed with homelessness. Now, if there’s one thing all homeless people have in common, it’s the fact that they don’t believe they have a home. That may sound stupidly obvious, but it’s a psychological condition. But that is another remarkable aspect of Roast Battle. It’s a home for the homeless. For the first since I was seventeen I feel like I have a home. I know for a fact the two battlers in the Main Event know what this is like. The three of us are just garbage pale kids. That’s why this show is so entertaining.

Whatever. Let’s roast!

First up, in one of the strangest undercards of the night, Dinah Leffert takes the dynamite out of Mona Shaikh’s vest.

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Coach Tea brings Mona up to M.I.A.’s Paper Planes, and she hijacks the paper planes and flies them into the Andaz hotel. Brian Moses poses the question:

“Why are you battling this Jew?”

“Her people are used to getting roasted, so…”

Let it be noted that she opened with a Holocaust joke on Yom Kippur. Pretty ballsy, but good luck getting cast in anything after that. This crowd is hot and hungry for a good battle. Moses throws to Dinah and she handles it like a pro.

“Dinah, you’re battling this terrorist over here.”

“I wouldn’t say she’s a terrorist, but I know she’s held a lot audiences hostage.”

Mona takes the reins and kicks things off.

“Dinah’s a Jew who likes circumcised dicks because she won’t touch anything that’s not at least 20% off.”

“It’s funny because we have a lot in common, because you love to haggle. Didn’t you just get a two for one on an abortion?”

That gets a good enough reaction from the crowd, but then she clumsily adds more and ruins it.

“I guess you gotta use that coupon by the end of this year. You need to use that second coupon.”

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Several people yell out, but the person who keeps yelling out loudly yet incoherently is Dennis Rodman. That’s right, two-time NBA Defensive Player of the Year, ex-husband of actress/model Carmen Electra and friend of North Korean Hitler Kim Jong-un, was heckling. Dinah replies:

“Thank you, Dennis. Love you. I’ve been following your career since Madonna made you.”

That gutsy retort erases whatever dumb tag she was trying to make and gets the crowd back on Leffert’s side. However, Dennis “The Worm” Rodman continues squirming his way onto the show by shouting out prompting Early Skakel to respond:

“Security, security! We have a black in the booth singing.” -Earl Skakel

Mona tries to get her second joke out, but Rodman yells through it, giving Earl an opportunity to get another line in.

“Shh. Dennis, be quiet, we’ll go home and watch Double Take.” -Earl Skakel

Mona eventually gathers herself.

“Dinah, onstage, talks about getting drunk and having anal sex or what her family likes to call it, her bat mitzvah.”

“That’s pretty cute, but… When Mona gets married, her father’s gonna have the honor of picking her rapist.”

“Dinah’s a stoner Jew. She told me a story about getting baked at camp- oh no, wait, that was her grandmother.”

“Mona, if I light your tampon string on fire, how long before you explode?”

Brian officially welcomes Earl to the party.

“Sorry I’m late. I was at a Black Lives Matter rally. I was the one with the rifle up top.” – Earl Skakel

Fun fact: Earl’s favorite gun is the AKKK-47. Brian Moses comments on his brass knuckles microphone.

“Yeah, just in case Rodman makes a move on me.” – Earl Skakel

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This prompts a chant of “Worm! Worm! Worm!” And the bad boy comes onto the stage. It’s incredible how loudly he talks, but yet somehow you still can’t understand what he’s saying. When he attempts to sing, Jeremiah Watkins jumps up next to him and does a spot on impersonation of sign language interpreter. 

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Jamar Neighbors jumps onstage to take a selfie with the ’92 all-star. The show has come off the rails, and nobody knows what’s going to happen next. The first intelligible thing Rodman says is:

“I fuck white girls.”

The crowd goes nuts. The Wave jumps up onstage, joined by Earl, and they all dance around wildly. Nobody wants to step to Dennis Rodman and tell him to get the fuck off the stage so the show can continue.

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“Can we have maintenance pick up the dead drug-sniffing dog up there?”    – Earl Skakel

Brian welcomes Jeff Ross into the room in hopes of him being able to wrangle Rodman. Jeff attempts to say something, but Rodman powers forward.  Rodman was like Chicago Bull in a china shop. Finally, Rodman is ushered back to his seat, and Dinah gets one more line in before the audience judges.

“And here I thought only Mona was gonna hijack the show.”

Despite the battle being derailed by the bad boy, these girls killed it. Dinah gets a huge applause from the crowd to make her the winner.

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“I just wanna say one thing about Dennis Rodman. He’s the Michael Jordan of ruining comedy shows.” – Jeff Ross

In our next bout, Tommy Lucero battles Randy Villarba, but mostly these two battle their own lack of ability to write and perform decent jokes. Once they’re done, the crowd ironically chants for one more joke, but we would’ve liked to see at least one joke. Moses asks the crowd if anybody wins, and the crowd answers with a resounding, “NO!” They get a double-loss. After some stand-up washes the taste of that shitty battle out of our mouth, we move on to some more undercards.

The next battle pits casting director Brent Duncan against pro wrestler Dave Nieker. Dave looks like he’s on the show Sons of Israel of Anarchy. Brent Duncan looks like he quotes lyrics from The Offspring on his Tinder profile.

“Look at this creep. Dave Nieker isn’t legally allowed to be in 1000 yards of Hogwarts.”

“Brent looks like the cop who’s gonna stick a night stick up somebody’s ass. Probably his own.”

This battle is pretty weak. Despite their failure, they keep trying to do more jokes. The judges sum up the battle:

“I can tell you’re [Duncan] really excited right now, but you did just slightly better than the weird meltdown he had tonight. So don’t give it too much swagger. And you called him out…last time I saw him he was fucking terrible. So you called out somebody terrible, and I just wanna make sure you don’t leave too happy tonight. And as for you [Nieker], go back to being every character on Making a Murderer.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“Now listen, this was a lot like watching the Vice Presidential Debate, you don’t really care, it’s not gonna effect anything, but it was fun. It was a fun way to kill some time.” – Greg Fitzsimmons

“I’m just excited that you guys are, uh… I don’t know, are done really.” – Jeff Ross

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Moses puts it to a vote and Brent Duncan handily gets a bigger a hand.

Next we have a all-female, mostly-black battle with Jasmin Leigh attempting to keep Courtney Banks on her losing streak.

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After the last two stinkers, there’s a lot of pressure on these ladies to have a good fight. Coach Tea plays Jasmin out to Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls, and the Wave starts dancing.

“This is the worst looking version of TLC ever.” – Earl Skakel

The shots keep flying as the Courtney and Jasmin get ready to go head-to-wig.

“Are you ladies friends?” – Jeff Ross
“They work the same corner.” – Earl Skakel

Jasmin volunteers to go first and they’re off and running.

“Courtney treats her pussy like an open mic. Two drink minimum and first come, first served.”

“Jasmin thinks that I’m a bougie black bitch, but this is just what it looks like when you have a father.”

“Courtney only fucks white guys. She’s never had a dick thicker than her eyeliner.”

“Jasmin has what she likes to call black girl magic, or as it’s most commonly known, EBT.”

“Courtney likes her men like she likes her coke. Cheap, white and in her ass.”

The Wave bursts on to the stage dressed as clowns, Jamar in whiteface and Jeremiah in blackface. Coach Tea hits the Benny Hill theme and it’s pandemonium.

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“Jasmin looks like every girl that orders Hennessey and doesn’t tip.”

They put on a great show. Two of Jasmin’s jokes are basically different versions of the same joke, but she owns the room with such ease. Courtney’s last joke isn’t even really a joke, but it doesn’t matter. This is such a fun battle.  

“I feel like anything I say is gonna sound like a line from The Help.” – Megan Gailey

“Unfortunately, Jasmin made a joke about white dicks. I’m going with Courtney on this one.” – Greg Fitzsimmons

Moses goes to the crowd for a decision. They give appreciation to both battlers, but Jasmin gets an overwhelming response and takes the wins followed by a celebratory dance party.

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In the final undercard of the night, Richie Gaines locks horns with Michael Schirtzer. Moses invites Schirtzer to rap to kick things off and he’s happy to oblige.

“If you thought about a win it’s a mirage
That ass lookin’ faker than Nikki Minaj
Homie is Trumped up and he comin’ with weak skill
I’ll body this bitch like his name was Meek Mill
[…]
Richie don’t be mad that I gave this rap some forethought
Your parents would’ve aborted if they gave it more thought.”

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The crowd goes crazy for Schirtzer’s antics. It seems Richie has his work cut out for him. Then Michael tries telling jokes.

“Michael’s a rapper, slam poet and a comedian, the only thing he’s not is a respected member of any of those communities.”

“Thank you Meth Rogen. Richie is so dumb. He got arrested for selling weed to an undercover cop. But he’s pretty accustomed to getting cuffed by men under covers.”

“Michael, does your material also have a trust fund? Because I’ve never seen it work.”

That joke makes the room explode. The All Clown Wave comes out in true Halloween fashion, chasing a blond with a chainsaw and bloody knife. Coach Tea comes in with the chainsaw sound effect to top off the effortless theatrics.

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“Richie, it’s true, I’m private school. You look like you looked at people’s privates in school.”

“Wow, another bomb. Who writes your jokes for you, fucking you?”

And out comes the chainsaw, which is appropriate because Richie murdered Schirtzer.

“Alright, you vegan vampire. Richie looks like he’d try to sell you Herbalife™ because he really believes it.”

“Now that is a wrap.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“Richie, I love you. You’re great. You’re so funny. I like this nervous energy. Unassuming, like, ‘Oh, I’m gonna wait ’til the woman passes out.’” – Megan Gailey  

Richie gains the win over Michael Schirtzer.

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The judges are joined by Russell Peters just in time for the main event! Proud Mary fades into chants of “Battle! Battle! Battle!” Lindsey is brought to the stage and Moses lays out the details.

“She’s thirsty, he’s trying to fuckin’ stop smack. That’ what this shows about. Redemption.” – Brian Moses

“Still not thirsty enough to fuck Dan though.” – Lindsey Jennings

“Does she want something to drink right now?” – Earl Skakel

Brian brings up Dan and starts the pre-roast interrogation.

“I love Dan, we’re good friends, and he a special place in my heart because he looks like all the guys who pay to see me naked on the Internet.”

I’m pretty sure Dan would be the thinnest of all the guys who pay to see Lindsey naked on the Internet, but that is true about Jamar’s dick. Dan brings up Donald J. Trump (not the real one).

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“Listen, I’m happy to be here everybody, it’s great to be here. I heard there’s a woman here who has a very big pussy, easy to grab. I just wanna come, support my friend Dan, who I know is gonna schlong the shit out of her.”
– Donald J. Trump (not the real one)

Trump then puts a sash on Dan that reads “Mr. Big Dick Club 2016.”

Brian asks who wants to go first, and Lindsey’s quick to nominate Dan.

“Go ahead, Dan. Faggots first.”

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“Lindsey gets a lot of help writing her jokes. She’s really more of an assisted Suicide Girl.”

“Dan’s last girlfriend tried to commit suicide ’cause even a deathbed is better than Dan in bed.”

“Lindsey’s been pretty upset since she lost her job and her apartment and her car because now she doesn’t have any more keys to do cocaine off of.”

“Dan didn’t share his heroin in jail, but he did share his crack.”

“Lindsey’s too proud to ask her parents for money so she has them throw at her while she dances.”

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“Dan’s dick is so small girls have to make duck face to suck it.”

The “Battle!” chants begin again, and the judges weigh in.

“It is fun to see what you look like if you’d been molested.” – Megan Gailey 

“Lindsia… ugh, Lindsia? Lindsey- I was getting Lindsey and chlamydia mixed up.” – Russell Peters

“Dan, you’re auditioning for the all human version of King of the Hill.” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“This stage looks like every level of a prostitute transaction.” – Earl Skakel

Both these battlers showed up to fucking roast. The votes are split, but Dan takes the round once Russell Peters confirms his vote. Dan starts the second round.

“Lindsey’s really into yoga. Her favorite way to pose is as an actual comedian.”

“Lindsey’s on a lot of comic’s coattails, but at least she’s riding them reverse cowgirl.”

“Ever since she got to Hollywood Lindsey’s had a ton of exposure. To hepatitis.”

“Dan, my pussy’s had a better line up than any show you’ve ever been on.”

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“Poor Dan, his adult teeth never grew in so his mouth is a lot like how he left his ex-girlfriends: full of dead babies.”

“Dan and I have both lost friends to heroin. But I went to their homes to mourn with their families, not to look for their leftover stash.”

Again, the round ends with chants of “Battle! Battle! Battle!” Moses comes back onstage with one question:

“Yo. Who’s on that line up?” – Brian Moses

“Dan, much like what would happen to you in jail, you got violated, buddy.”  – Russell Peters

Megan Gailey, for the second time in the night (Courtney Banks was the first), compliments a battlers’ boobs:

“Lindsey, your tits have such a natural hang to them.” – Megan Gailey

Lindsay then pulled out one of her tits and shook it around prompting the room to go wild berry cuckoo. The Wave comes out, Dan put the Mr. Big Dick Club sash on Lindsey and everybody starts dancing.

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“Moses, can I place my round three vote now?” – Tony Hinchcliffe

“All that Dan’s thinking about right now is the hug at the end. You both came with the fucking jokes.” – Jeff Ross

“We all just came.” – Brian Moses

Lindsey takes round two, and the battlers prepare to unleash their haymakers for the final round.

“Lindsey looks like her pussy farts smell like regular farts.”

“Dan, you look like you eat ass just to get the taste of your own mouth out of your mouth.”

“Lindsey’s such a lazy whore guys text her “u up?” at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.”

“Dan you’re so creepy. You’re nieces are definitely gonna end up looking like me.”

“Lindsey’s pussy is so big you get free a t-shirt if you can eat it in one sitting.”

“I have a lot of piercings. If I had any more holes, I’d be Dan’s arm.”

Lindsey’s last joke gets decent noise from the crowd, but there was no coming back from Dan’s last joke, which gets roars of approval.

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“I think when you have two pussy jokes that good, you should be writing for Donald Trump at this point.” – Greg Fitzsimmons

“The fact that Jamar and Jeremiah and the rest of the guys don’t have t-shirts on means they failed the pussy eating challenge.” – Russell Peters

“Where’d Haiti get his shirt?” – Earl Skakel

“FEMA.” – Brian Moses

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When all the dust settles, Dan walks away with the win. It was one of the craziest nights of Roast Battle ever. Dan wrote some of the best we’ve ever heard, and Lindsey Jennings proved she is a force to be reckoned with. Unfortunately for her, Dan wrecked that force. However, she showed once and for all that hot chicks can be funny. One of the reasons I love Roast Battle is the vast variety of people you get to know. Lindsey and Dan are two people it’s always fun to be around, unless they screw you over for some drugs. Roast Battle is an insider’s guide to outsiders. A true melting pot. It’s America at it’s best.

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Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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