It’s Tuesday night in the Belly Room and Rap Battle aficionado Modok has brought some of his best battle rappers to step out of their comfort zones and into the Roast Battle arena. Roastmaster Jeff Ross, Yamaneika Saunders from Roast Battle Season 2 and 3, Jessimae Peluso and Andrew Santino are all present and ready to pass judgment on Battle Rappers and Roast Battlers alike.

Daniel Dominguez is brought to the stage for the first battle, and he seems a little nervous. Brian Moses, sensing some awkward energy from Dominguez, quickly brings up his opponent Evan Wronzy. Evan is asked why they’re battling:

“I found out he’s a vegan and he’s also in a metal , but somehow I’m still the white guy… so I had to do it.”

Wronzy does a decent job sticking a pre-battle burn and also dropping some info, which shows promise for this battle and high hopes for the rest of the night. Despite seeming a bit uncomfortable, Daniel volunteers to go first:

“Yo! Three rounds – stand up comedy – three jokes. Modok said ‘No rapping.’ First thing I thought was, ‘Thank Woman-God, I don’t have to hear you rap.’ Look, yo, legit- Oh, I’m killing it already, this feels great. I love it. Yo for reals, yo what in the name of manifest destiny would you rap about? The only hood you ever been in was made out of a bed sheet. And he built a hole in it trying to light a cross on fire. I’m getting groans. I like that.”

“You shouldn’t.”
-Josh Meyrowitz

Daniel fails to endear himself to the crowd. His first attempts at jokes are rough. The biggest laugh he gets is acknowledging how poorly he does out the gate. Evan responds:

“So your a vegan? Only because you grew up always saying, ‘Yo soy.’ But you’re also in a metal band. I bet you write songs about riding your longboard to farmer’s markets. But you’re a songwriter and a vegan, so you really are a starving artist. I mean the only time your band was a hot topic is when you bought all your clothes from there.”

“So you did research, right? [To Jeff Ross] Oh, you’re gonna probably say something better than me so do it.”

“Hey, hey, I’m not mad, but this Roast Battle’s fucking bad.”
-Jeff Ross

Daniel continues:

“Yeah, he did research. Fuckin’ awesome. You gotta admit this right here, right now though, in front of everybody: When MGK told Eminem, ‘Your beard is weird.’ You felt that shit.”

“That was pretty cool. But do you remember when your girlfriend was a whore? No, but really, I heard she was pretty wild back in the day and now she’s a feminist. But like one of those extreme feminists, ya know, like a feminazi. I bet her bush is shaved in the shape of Hitler’s mustache. Do you also smell… I bet your sweat smells like hummus and I bet your breath smells like depression.”

“Say something Jeff!”

“You only wanted to become a vegan because you thought that you can get your green card.”

“I feel like you’re both waiting on line to your get your haircut.”
-Jeff Ross

Moses calls “Last joke” and Daniel takes one last swing:

“That was some sick fake research you did.”

At this point the audience actually laughs at Dominguez bombing. His only hope would to be to lean into and tell an anti-joke, pretending he’s been doing an alt-comic/anti-humor character the entire time. He does not do this, but he does tell a non-joke.

“You see why I don’t battle rap anymore too. So, you work at a weed company. So they’re already like trying to appropriate drug dealing from us.”

Coach Tea comes in with a perfectly-timed drop of Rihanna singing, “You look so dumb right now.”

“You look like you drink one percenter milk. No? I think I lost them no matter what I say.”

It is then something happens I don’t we’ve ever seen at Roast Battle. The crowd, completely unprompted, starts singing, “Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, goodbye…” Evan Wronzy brings us home:

“So, it seems like your mad at me for working at a weed company. Of course you’re mad though, the only thing you get to eat is plants.”

“Alright, we’re even!”

“It’s a classic battle of terrible versus horrible.”
-Jeff Ross

Despite that last joke(?), Evan actually does pretty well. He gets a big laugh with his first joke and some chuckles with his second. It really comes down to joke choice and editing. If he only did his strongest jokes, he would’ve come off much better.

“Daniel, you battled like you were just learning English. And Evan, don’t be too proud of yourself, it was like beating a retard. And you also retarded, so…”
-Yamaneika Saunders

The judges and crowd agree that Evan Wronzy barely won. Tony Hinchcliffe joins the judges’ dais as we move onto the rapper versus comedian battles. Moses brings up Digits, who instantly shows more stage presence than the first two competitors combined. Dylan Sullivan comes onstage next wearing sunglasses and and pink bandana tied Tupac style around his bulbous head. Dylan goes first, doing a cholo character complete with Mexican accent:

“Hey Digits, I thought you’d have better bars seeing as most your family lives behind them.”

“Hey everybody, give it up for Anthony Jesel-double-neck. [After Dylan tries to say something] No, that wasn’t a joke, fool. Chill. Hey everybody, give it up for Dylan. The last time anybody’s seen him is when he drowned that white bitch at Seaworld.”

“Oh Digits, Digits is just mad because I can afford to be fat. Oh my gosh… Digits is a Mexican rapper, I haven’t seen something so depressing since I saw Mexicans picking up wrappers.”

“Oh man, damn… That was horrible. Hey yo, Dylan is more Mexican and cholo than me, every car he gets into is a fuckin’ lowrider.”

“Oh Digits, you Swiffer Wet Jet. Digits is a lazy, untalented, piece of shit. Sorry, I fucked that up. Digits is Mexican. What putos? That’s about it.”

“Yo, when Dylan was small, he wanted to be a fuckin’ comedian. He wanted to be like his favorite comedian, so he finally achieved that. He’s fat, white, he voted for Trump, sometimes he tweets racist shit when he’s on ambien. Congratulations Dylan, on becoming Roseanne.”

“I’m gonna make my shit brief with Digits because I’m not quite certain he’s not an MS-13. […] Please don’t look at me like that. I don’t know, but I feel like I’m being me-too’d from over there.”
-Yamaneika Saunders

“It’s cuz you remind me of my old corrections officer.”
-Digits

“Oh my god, I’m so turned on. […] Digits already got me digits. Dylan are you really gay?”
-Yamaneika Saunders

“That fool’s just gay cuz no girl likes him.”
-Digits

“As a straight white male, I have almost nothing to say to a murderer and fat gay gay guy.”
-Andrew Santino

After killing it in the battle and the aftermath, the audience awards Digits the win. Part of the problem of doing a character at Roast Battle, is sometimes the audience doesn’t quite understand what is happening. The only way to do it is to be really fuckin’ good at it with 100% commitment or have a strategy to bring in the audience with your pre-roast banter. Sullivan has some genuinely funny moments, but in the end he doesn’t quite pull it off. Kudos to Dylan for trying something different, but even more kudos to Digits for being hilarious throughout.

Psychoses is brought to the stage next. After revealing that he got his name from a rap name generator, Isaac Hirsch joins him onstage and kicks off the battle:

“You guys might recognize Psycoses from his rap battles on YouTube, or his battles in the comments with everyone who says he sucks.”

“At least people comment on my shit. So… You look nervous. You sure you ready for this?”

“Just tell a joke, man.”

“I’m just saying, you’re starting to sweat a little bit. You look Subway Jared ten minutes before he met up with his first victim. He touched more kids than The Make-A-Wish foundation.”

“Wow, this guy’s douchey, uh… I asked Psycoses what he did for work and he told me it was “classified.” Wow man, I didn’t realize you worked at the CIA’s vape shop.”

“That part wasn’t true. But what is true is that I am a rapper. That is true, but what you guys don’t know is that he’s also a rapper. Isaac, I loved your Soundcloud mixtape, Straight Outta Auschwitz.”

“In addition to being a failed rapper, Psycoses is also a failed real estate agent. It’s like no matter what career he chooses, he just can’t get all the people in the house to say yeah.”

“So nerdy… You look like the genie that appears when you rub on a tub of acne cream.”

“I wish you were better at this.”

“You look like Magic Johnson’s last white blood cell.”

Isaac absolutely decimates Psychoses. This is the second battle in a row where Hirsch has bodybagged a douchebag. It’s so satisfying watching a skinny nerd take down a buff douche they should just round up all the Westside comics with Gold’s Gym cards and let Isaac rip into those ripped Ken dolls.

“Is your white Benz outside you obvious club promoter?”
-Andrew Santino

“You look like the kinda guy girls fuck, until they learn to love themselves and then they fuck this guy.”
-Jessimae Peluso

“Gonorrhea, you uh…”
-Yamaneika Saunders

“Psychosis!”
-Brian Moses

“Oh ok, I knew it was something I had before.”
-Yamaneika Saunders

“Isaac […] Your entire performance, I was McLovin’ it.”
-Tony Hinchcliffe

Isaac Hirsch handedly takes the win over Psychoses, and Vodka Gravas comes to the stage followed by his opponent Caesar Lizardo. Vodka volunteers to start it off:

“Let’s see, I got some notes. So I’ve never really done comedy before, it’s my first time at The Comedy Store, I’m gonna try some comedy, is that cool witch y’all? What’s the deal with airline food, am I right? Oh, you wouldn’t know because you’re on the no fly list you Isis looking piece of shit.”

“I’m gonna get this kind of flack from Osama Bin Lopez over here? Bro I know you’re 100% Mexican, but your face looks like it was 100% in on 9/11. Seriously, you look like your brand of terrorism is going to people’s house parties and fucking them up by playing your mixtape.”

“Yo, I heard your mom’s a Muslim, right?”

“She’s Catholic Dominican, but go ’head.”

“For this joke she is. Yo, I heard your parents are Muslim. I asked your dad, “What that mouth do?” He said, “I don’t know, I’ve never seen the shit.”

“Anthony, right? That’s your name? What’s your name? I haven’t met this guy before. What’s your name? Andy, Andy, Andy. I’ma call you Anthony. Anthony uh… Anthony is a struggling Mexican rapper, so he passes out copies of his cd at freeway off ramps. You can cop the album and a bag of oranges for five dollars.”

“Caesar just had a beautiful baby girl. Congratulations on your daughter. I thought I wrote a joke about her on this card, but all it says is “SIDS” [He shows the card to the “SIDS” card to audience] I remember, because she’s not in the clear yet.”

“Give it up for Nacho Man: Andy Sanchez. Sanchez here, if you guys saw his bun, he has super long hair. He’s growing it out that long so he can throw it over the border like Rapunzel and bring the rest of his family over.”

I actually liked Andy AKA Vodka Gravas. He was doing some interesting stuff, and even though it didn’t go too well, he maintained his composure and stayed loose throughout the battle and judges’ deliberation. Jeff Ross suggests Caesar battle Isaac, and he’s just douchey enough to keep up Isaac’s douche killing streak. Caesar Lizardo goes home to his daughter with a big win, as Saudi Prince graces us with his royal presence.

“Saudi Prince, have you been following the news? We have a new Supreme Court Justice.”
-Jeff Ross

“Yes, I saw this guy. Weak rapist, denies his shit. Rape is an act of strength. The guy denies it? […] I mean, fuck, at least the Supreme Court Justice is ready to rape at the college level.”

-Saudi Prince

Uno Lavos and Alex Hooper are brought to the stage to fight in the final battle of the night. Alex is wearing a romper with what looks like Michelangelo’s David printed over his anatomy. With his stone weiner out, Hooper takes first joke:

“Jaun used to be a Christian, but now he’s a Buddhist. He’s not going to heaven, but he will be rein-carne-asada’d.”

“Thank you, Hitler Simmons. He’s so fucking ugly his day job is being the garden gnome that guards garden gnomes.”

“Whatever, you George Lo-pez dispenser. Jaun is a former battle rapper who married an Indian woman. He’s still King of the Dot, only now it’s on his wife’s forehead.”

“Thank you, Nacho Libr- Liberal. You have a comedy album called Pugs, Hugs & Drugs, which is the exact three step program he uses before he roofies a little child and molestses them.”

“It works. Between the mustache and the pugs, it’s pretty easy. This man has two baby mamas. Yo, you can’t even wrap your own dick. The only thing that’s apparent is how shitty you are at being a parent. No wonder you quit hip-hop, you couldn’t win a custody battle.”

“It’s cheaper to be a deadbeat, fuck you. So uh… speaking of children, you’ve been in a relationship for about four years now-”

“Ten.”

“Ten, they had a miscarriage before. Makes sense why they don’t like Tupac because even Brenda had a baby.”

Hooper lands a flurry of punches with his last joke, and there’s pretty much no coming back from it. Uno Lavos AKA Jaun starts his last joke strong owning his status as a deadbeat dad, but his Tupac reference misses completely.

“Uno, you were great tonight, I thought you killed him.”
-Jeff Ross

“Thank you!”
-Uno Lavos

“Just kidding, I don’t know…”
-Jeff Ross

Andrew Santino asks to see them Rap Battle, and they comply, starting with Alex:

(Lugy noise) “Lemme clear my throat because I’m about to spit. Because unlike this man I can give my lady more than just the tip. You’re a failed rapper turned wannabe comic, I watch one of your sets and lost the contents of my stomach. You have no structure, your material’s disjointed, why you giving your abuela two reasons to be disappointed? After you lose, your getting sent south of the border. Not Mexico, I mean Taco Bell, bitch, take my order!”

“Was that rap or the limericks you say under the bridge with?”
-Saudi Prince

All Alex’s punchlines hit, and after that last one he drops the mic. The crowd is going insane. Uno Lavos hesitantly attempts to combat Alex’ impressive rhymes:

“I hope your mother dies of AIDS. Fuck tomorrow, try today, in the back of the hearse that rides away, it’ll say, ‘I was a fat slut’ on the license plate. You wanna come against me? Just like Louis CK, I know you be jerkin’, you white mother fucker, you dad and your brother are the same person. Your mom got a fake leg with real toenails… And yeah, that’s enough. Bitch got arthritis of the knees, bitch take a shit standing up.”

In spite of some bold and creative choices, Lavos is clearly defeated. Alex Hooper crushes his rap and his three jokes, and the room shows their booming appreciation. In the end, Roast Battlers get three wins to the rap battlers’ one, but the real winners were those watching what was a thoroughly entertaining show. See you next Tuesday!

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