Tonight is a very fun night of battles in the Belly Room. Every night there’s bound to be a dud of a battle, but tonight the crowd and comics seemed to have fun with whatever was thrown at them. That’s probably because of the fantastic firing squad: Keith Carey, Sydney Castillo, Jon Rudnitsky, and Andrew Santino. Brody Stevens and Tony Hinchcliffe show up a little later, but as we go into our first battle of the night those are the main four shooting. Brian calls Oduduwa Olantunji and Thomas Fraser to the stage. Out the gate, the tone is already odd. Oduduwa claims Thomas has sexually harassed people, including himself. It doesn’t really make sense and, but Oduduwa goes first and the battle begins.
“Thomas’s only TV credit is The Wire, He played a chalk outline.”
“Whoopi Goldberg and Sam I am must be proud… Oduduwa is what happens when you don’t tell black people that they’re free… I messed that up, I messed that up. Oduduwa is what happens when you give black people waaaayyy too much freedom.”
“Thomas’ breathe smells like shit, because he eats so much ass. He eats so much ass this mother fuckers staring in the sequel to ‘Two Girls One Cup.’ That’s right! You’re gay!”
“Oduduwa is the modern day Booker T. needs-to-Washington.”
“Thomas is a liar! He claims that he’s Tom from MySpace, but he’s really just a NIGGER!”
“Thank you Busted Times… Oduduwa is proof that just because you throw it away, doesn’t mean it will start a comedy career.”
“This was weirdly racist, but like, was it?” – Brian Moses
Brian pretty much sums up everyone’s feelings about Oduduwa’s joke, but also his general attitude toward Thomas.
“That was an intense battle of house versus field.” –Keith Carey
“I feel like you’re a black guy that should never say the N word, I’m offended.” –Jon Rudnitsky
Even though it is a little weird, Oduduwa is obviously a maniac and the room has fun with his lunacy as Thomas takes the win and we move on to Ken Garr and Brian McDaniel.
“These look like the cops who are on suspension for murder the guys in the last battle.” –Keith Carey
What Keith said is very funny, but You can tell that Brian is so funny, so talented and about to do great. He was billed as the underdog in what is about to be an incredible battle, but how? You know what I mean? This is a guy that worked at TMZ. Anyway, Ken goes first. So just so everyone’s clear the first joke is Ken and then the second joke is the super funny, super talented Brian McDaniel. Are you ready? Okay here we go.
“Brian McDaniel everybody. Brian McDaniel is stage name. A little creepy, very white, but better than his real name – Dumpster Racist Weinstein.”
“Ken loves to brag about performing in Vegas, at the MGM Grand, and everyone else loves to fantasize that he performed in the field across from the Mandalay Bay.”
“Brian and his wife adopted a baby from Mexico, but got pregnant a year later. So Brian asked the kid ‘como se dice we don’t want you anymore.’”
“My adopted babies nine months old, she’s got better hair than you, stays in a better place than you and babies are supposed to be fat.”
Ken looks at his notes …
“You broke the rule that you made at Lab Work, you’re not supposed to look at your notes.”
Ken does his last joke.
“Brian’s such a hack that female comedians ask him to jerk off in front of him just so that they can see him do something funny.”
“This last one is actually a question. When Ken bombed so hard at the Big Sky Comedy Festival and got so drunk that he destroyed a vending machine was he trying to buy:
B) A shred of dignity
C) A trip back in time when he didn’t have to suck Brad Garrets dick for stage time
D) All of the Above”
As this battle ends, Brody Stevens arrives.
“I was in town for a podcast. I needed a place to charge my phone.” – Brody Stevens
“I love how inside you went. You made a reference to a rule at an open mic. A reference only a failure would understand.” – Keith Carey
Honestly, I don’t know what Keith is talking about. Brian is absolutely amazing. This might be the best battle I’ve ever seen. He’s so talented, so funny, so great. Every move the man makes it spot on. He can’t miss. He’s an unstoppable force. He’s 3-0, but quite frankly I think he deserves to be 5-0 for how amazing he is tonight. Just so, so, so good. Ken is a really funny comic, but Brian come on. You’re so talented, you should be battling someone like Jeff Ross or Richard Pryor. You’re amazing. Even when I write about an actually amazing battle later in the report, just know that this battle right here is the highest a bar could possibly be set for a battle. Anyone who says different, or even thinks different for a second is a loser and wrong. Brian McDaniel is the new gold standard. If you think I’m wrong the jokes are right there above. Just go re-read them. That’s pure gold right there baby!
Speaking of pure gold, in the next battle Moses brings ups Esther Ku and Josh Spear.
“You look like an urban reboot of the Six Flags dancing mascot.” – Keith Carey
“Tony Hawks-his-stuff for meth.” – Andrew Santino
The battle already gets off to a weird start. Esther awkwardly delivers a bad joke about Moses.
“It’s great to see you. I loved you on I wish I was deaf Comedy Jam.” – Esther Ku
“Wearing a shirt with the eyes on it she wishes had. Very clever.” – Andrew Santino
“Esther in this dress looks like Human-Traffic-Me-Elmo.” – Keith Carey
After Keith and Andrew tee off on these two weirdos, Esther begins.
“Josh asked me to open for him once, I said ‘I’m sorry, I’d rather open for Louis C.K. because at least I get a hotel.”
“I did ask her to open for me, because it’s easier to follow a shitty act… So recently, Esther had a real life stalker. Not only to he propose to her, but he was following her around. She called me, she called every guy comic she knew. She almost got a security guard, her manager was freaking out, went to two different cop stations. And the guy dumped her, he downstairs watching Ali Wong.”
“Josh Spear is a cokehead that lived with his grandmother for ten years. It’s really fucked because she’s senile and he told her that he was her boyfriend.”
“Coincidently, my grandmas name is Esther. That’s true, I’m not even telling a joke. Esther has actually masturbated on her podcast for one episode, supposedly to show, to get respect for woman or something like that. But, she’s actually told me privately that she doesn’t give a fuck about other woman and has bragged about not being harassed, but that’s just because her dignity is so low that she doesn’t recognize that it’s harassment, because I’ve seen guys talk about how funny she is and touch her at the same time.”
Holly shit dude, think about other people when you’re on stage. I actually have to type the shit you say. Oh my god. Look at how long this dudes shit is. And there’s still one more joke from this man. God damn it dude! Fuck you!
Esther’s last joke…
“I feel really bad for him, you suck at comedy, you’re a horrible coke head. Why didn’t your mother abort you? Oh, I know, Richard Belzer didn’t have $400 in the seventies.”
“Esther does not have a reputation of sleeping around. She hasn’t hooked up with me. She was alone in a hotel room with Louis and didn’t jerk off once. But, she must have done something because she has a comedy club in LA and New York named after her called ‘Sals Comedy Hole.’”
This battle was a flop. Josh obviously doesn’t not understand the general formula of roast joke writing, even though he did make his first joke work. Esther is just off. She can’t hit at all with anything she has said.
“I want you to shoot yourself, but your eyes are so small you might miss.” – Sydney Castillo
Josh takes the win because he was the only one out of them to get a laugh at any point while they are on stage. They leave they stage awkwardly. Josh doesn’t even hug Esther and Brian brings up Katrina Davis and Isaac Hirsch.
“Katrina asked me to and who could say no to a face like that? Other than a loan officer.” – Isaac Hirsch
Katrina, Isaac and the firing squad do a great job of resetting the room after the last battle. Everyone can tell that this is about to be good as Isaac goes first.
“Katrina has 13 stitches in her a face from a bong injury and her ex once tried to set her on fire. I’m, sorry, I meant to say – Katrina’s from Florida.”
“Isaac looks like his favorite sec positions is within ear shot of his parents.”
“Katrina, you look like the token black member of the band from the Muppets.”
“Isaac was raised by two librarians, but he’s autistic, so he still can’t read a room.”
“Katrina pretty much only fucks white guys. Wow, it’s another Katrina where the bush doesn’t care about black people.”
“Isaac loves big black woman, but playing poker his the only way he’ll ever lay a queen on her back.”
Isaac’s last joke is definitely the joke of the night. The judges all have positive things to say about both Katrina and Isaac.
“Everybody give it up, that’s a fuckin’ battle.” – Keith Carey
“The Bush joke was the joke of the fuckin’ night.” – Sydney Castillo
“Jokes were so well written. Real refreshing after what we’ve seen.” –Jon Rudnitsky
Both you guys killed it. Isaac gets the joke of the night, but both of them have the battle of the night for sure. Isaac takes the win and we move on to the main event – Caesar Lizardo versus Guam Felix. Guam goes first.
“Caesar drives an Uber that smells like bananas and fried chicken.”
“Everybody give it up for the last chair bender. Guam, what the fuck is up with that haircut man? I can’t tell if you’re a lesbian, a cholo, or an out-of-work Dragon Ball Z character.”
“Caesar loves to beat box. He beats his girlfriend while he put a box over her ugly face.”
“Guam’s favorite sex position is ‘oppa Gangnam Style.’”
“When Caesar was in high school he road a donkey to the prom and then he fucked it.”
“Guam has kidney problems. His kids need them to pay his child support.”
“Caesar’s girlfriend’s pussy is so polluted, when he fingerbangs her, he pulls out recyclables.”
“Guam, you look like you were raised inside a pizza hut. You look like you lick your fingers after you wipe you ass. He smells like the inside of refrigerator that’s been turned off for two weeks.”
“Caesar’s girlfriend is pregnant and they don’t know what they’re having, but they both know that it’s a rape baby.”
(to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”) “Guam has three teenage boys, two baby mamas, one working kidney, and zero chances of making it in Hollywoooooood.”
This is a fun main event. Tough follow after Isaac and Katrina. Caesar has some pretty clever jokes, but after Katrina and Isaac the bar is a little too high for us to accept a bunch of Caesar’s girlfriends pussy jokes from Guam. What a way to tie together the whole night though, huh? We started with a hard ‘R’ and ended with a rape baby joke. Caesar takes the win for a multitude of reasons. His jokes were better, but he also is more fun and likeable. He made the Santa costume work and is giving shout outs to his girlfriend while Guam is making obscene statements. It is just an overload. The girl is not the one you’re battling! Maybe one Caesar’s girlfriend joke, but it got to be a little over the top. Caesar, great job. Guam, I noticed a few people who didn’t belong in the VIP while you were on stage. If you’re going to leave your post, you need to find someone to cover you. If you want to be promoted in the door and rope opening business, you’re going to have to take your job a little more seriously. All in all, fun night. Lets Roast!
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.