photos by Troy Conrad
With the audience barely half sat as the show cold opens over twenty minutes ahead of schedule to accommodate the seven slated battles, Chris Wilmoth and Jordan Baney – both roommates from Erie, Pennsylvania – begin the undercard lineup in each’s debut battle. Chris volunteers to take the first shot.
“Jordan has the emotional stability of the white woman who raised him, and the credit score of the black man who abandoned him.”
“Chris has been hooking up with a lot of older women lately. I guess he just likes the comfort of a woman who’s used to seeing a small dick with rashes.”
“Jordan looks like Montel Williams if he sold P90X.”
“Chris loves telling people how much he wishes he was black, but that’s just an excuse for him having sex with so many gross white women and not being able to find a job.”
“Jordan has a tattoo of the virgin Mary. It’s supposed to represent his mom, which is ironic because his mom fucks a bunch of black guys.”
“Jerry Sandusky molested a lot of children at Penn State, which makes it the second worst sex crime to happen on campus next to when Chris lost his virginity.”
Jordan at some point lost the audience’s confidence and his second joke doesn’t get nearly the credit it deserves, and his closer falling flat. Chris Wilmoth takes a lop-sided decision but both battlers should be commended on a stellar round, especially considering it was their first time.
Next up, after another round of standup, TMZ’s Brian McDaniel takes on the returning Isaac “Flaco” Martinez. The Roastmaster Jeff Ross arrives to take his seat at the judges’ table just in time to get a little backstory on the battle. Brian and Flaco are both friends who run shows together, and Brian volunteers to open the bout.
“Flaco has a terrible disease called Marfan’s. His life expectancy was only 34, which makes him the only comic to ever run the light on God.”
“TMZ ruined a lot of careers, just take Brian McDaniel for example.You’re like James Comey: tall, jobless, and desperate to get back on TV.”
“I don’t know why you’re shitting on my success, man. If I didn’t have a big house, I couldn’t pay your mom to clean it every Saturday. Flaco’s real name is Isaac, which is what his mom said when she saw him crawl out of her vag… ‘eyes! ack!!!’”
“Brian does a lot of Latino comedy shows. His comedy is like Donald Trump’s wall: unpopular, useless, and no Mexican will ever pay for that shit.”
“That’s a good joke. Your future is almost as bright as Haiti’s teeth. Flaco’s fingers are like ET’s fingers. They’re long, disgusting, and he uses them to touch children.”
Brian holds a clear lead as Flaco goes into his final joke, suffering through an issue with pronunciation.
“Brian McDaniel’s comedy is like Joesten Beepers does Bazitos on.”
“What???” – The Audience
“Justin Bieber’s Desposito song. [inaudible] Only enjoyed by hipsters.”
Another all-around quality battle ending in a nevertheless decisive victory. Flaco had a few issues getting his words out and may have been set back by the issue that he chose the “you’re like ___, because ___” structure for all three jokes, where Brian employed a wider variety of formatting techniques for his jokes.
Tim Groeschel, or “’Gay’ Trevor Wilson,” per the Roastmaster takes on fellow up-and-comer Doon Sandors next, opening the round.
“Doon’s mom is an elementary school teacher. She tried to get him a job there, but you know how it is with Doon. 500 feet from children.”
“Tim watches POV porn so he can live out his greatest sexual fantasy of being able to see his cock.”
“Thanks for that, Baby Huey CK. Doon used to play soccer as a kid. Now he just plays the racist dad yelling slurs at the other kids.”
“Tim lives with his mom. He’s live with his dad but he gets winded digging six feet down.”
“Where do you get off motherfucker? you look like a gravedigger gunning for the gold in my dad’s teeth… alright, i’ll give you another one. You look like fuckin cupid’s angel for rapists”
“Fuck you, Tons N’ Roses.”
The Tons N’ Roses line blows the room up to close a tight battle, but somehow the crowd’s love for the joke is astonishingly transferred to its recipient, Tim, rather than Doon who actually said it. It was so perfect, and he wore it so well, it made the crowd adore him and he takes a pretty decisive vote despite an otherwise ultra-close round that might’ve gone to Doon if it were up to the judges. Regardless, this was a great fight and each deserves plenty of credit.
Zach Stein and Eric Abbenante both take sluggishly to the stage. Each becoming prolific undercard performers back after only two weeks, the judges lay into them with a sense of familiarity.
“You are the least confident person to have two buttons open on their shirt.” – Mike Lawrence
“Zach looks like a fashion designer for open mikers.” – Kim Congdon
Eric is up first.
“Zach has lost 15 friends to suicide, which is why girls won’t even let him in the friend zone.”
“Thanks, Heeb-ler Elf. Eric is a Jew whose mom smoked around him when he was a baby. That’s his origin story for being comedy cancer.”
“Zach loves prostitutes, because he pays them to do degrading things like come to his shows.”
“Eric told me that he makes friends by always having weed on him and smoking people down. I guess it’s easier for you to make fun of my sex life when you can’t tell a friend from a whore.”
“Zach blacked out over a hundred times last year. He’s so jewish he actually counted.”
“You muse for the word shylock. I’ve been a Jew for 28 years and never experienced a moment of anti-semitism. Eric got called a kike at his job on passover in Los Angeles. This guy would get voted out of Anne Frank’s attic.”
It’s another split with the judges going for Eric and the decisive crowd vote declaring Zach the winner. “Heeb-ler Elf” is so goddamn funny, but might’ve been stepped on a bit, but in the end Zach takes it anyway despite a very strong showing from Eric that elicited praise from Jeff, calling it his best battle to date.
For the evening’s final undercard matchup, Paige Wesley fires first against Aspergers’ own, Keith Reza.
“Keith used to work at Ralph’s. The pay was terrible, but for once he wasn’t the only vegetable.”
“Paige goes to UCLA and she studies English. But she doesn’t know the meaning of the words diet, exercise, and not to open up her asshole to her uncle.”
“Thank you, Special Ed Sheeran. You know, i might be fat, but Keith looks like his diet just consists of smaller autistic kids.”
“Paige is such a big slut even her dad calls out her name when he’s fuckin’ her mom.”
“You know, Keith, don’t feel bad that joke bombed. Because when autism speaks, no one listens.”
“That joke was funny cuz it’s true… Paige has big boobs and whenever she takes off her bra, her tits fall down, hit the ground and cause an earthquake.”
Keith’s faltering second joke clearly costs him the round and Paige Wesley scores another solid win, with her “autism speaks” rebuttal absolutely killing.
Last up, in our headline bout, Tony Bartolone is still on the comeback trail looking to take down one of the show’s newest main eventers, Sarah Keller. He leads out.
“Sarah Keller went to school for acting, which is weird b
ecause I didn’t even know you needed a BFA to do donkey shows.”
“Tony once went down on a girl with no legs, proving that the only kind of girl he can get is the kind that can’t run away.”
“How do you look like a pageant mom and her daughter.”
“Tony is homeless. instead of asking girls to send nudes, he asks them to send foods.”
“Which I would do if or if not I was homeless. I like food. Sarah used to cut herself. Not because she was depressed or anything, she was just trying to make a new whole to shove another dick in.”
“Tony lives inside a factory. unbelievably, it’s
not a cheesecake factory.”
“Sarah had this big crisis the day her dad’s identical twin brother died. To this day, she still doesn’t know who molested her. “
“Tony looks like he eats the cheese that forms between his tits.”
“Sarah’s Dad is a drug addict and an alcoholic. he’s addicted to everything except raising his daughter.”
“Tony looks like the guy on Skid Row who explains the rules.”
Neither has a dud, but the final judges’ vote is unanimous for Sarah, with the only real criticism of Tony being for his lackluster energy and awkward delivery, which he explains as being just the way he talks. Tony is still unable to bust his slump, and Sarah stays on her months-long kill streak. A fitting end to an evening of relatively by-the-book battles with little controversy.
Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 10:30 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.