The Belly Room is packed out once again as the third week of the TV show opens more hearts and minds to the spectacle that is roast battle. Boon Shakalaka warms up the room with the usual spectacle of his own as he dances to Proud Mary after a stellar line up of stand ups. The crowd is ready to go. The next battlers however, were not. Two roast battle virgins take the stage, Isabelle Herrman and Sam Brelhart. They both come in with confidence and call each other easy targets. Sam volunteers to take the first swing of the night.
“Isabelle tries to look her best every day, bur no matter how hard she tries, her two cats still won’t love her.”
“Sam does a lot of videos for Suzanne Sommers’s Thigh Master for men, but the only thing mastering the inside of a man’s thigh is that mustache.”
Jeremiah interjects to explain.
“Yo, she says you Gay! Take that!”
“I am a friend of homosexuality. Isabelle’s last name used to be Olsen. Her sister’s made her change it when she started doing comedy. They didn’t agree with her being fat, flat-assed, and poor.”
After she does a turn for the crowd, Josh Meyrowitz (who can not tell a lie) chimes in to let Isabelle know her ass is in good shape despite Sam’s joke. Satisfied, Isabelle moves on to her next gay mustache joke.
As you guys can tell Sam is pretty eccentric. He’s so eccentric, he even named his mustache. He named it queer bait.”
“Isabelle’s favorite tattoo is a jellyfish she has on her shoulder. She calls it her soul swimming through the sea. Guy’s call it a three-pointer.”
Sam’s pretty gullible. That’s why he studied to be a Reiki master, but only cuz he couldn’t afford to be a scientologist.”
None of the jokes crack the room and now the judges have some work to do winning the crowd back. They start my informing Sam that wearing a snapback is a huge life mistake.
“I think these two deserved a little more credit. This is their first ever roast battle. Normally people in their first roast battle are closed off. They were very open… micers. I hate this guy. I just hate people who are like that and he went against Jenny from Forest Gump if she continued living with AIDS.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
After Moses’s call to vote for Sam was met with silence, Isabelle got slightly more love from the audience and takes home her first roast battle win.
Next Moses brings curvy queen Ashley Baca to the stage.
“Every black dude in here is salivating right now… And every white dude is like, why?” -Jason Sklar
Ashley says she’ll let the wave smash if she wins and Moses brings up her opponent, Darius Bennett who now has an uphill battle.
Darius admits this is a consolation prize as he actually wanted to take her on a date. Finally, a guy found a way to ball a girl fat because she rejected him and it’s totally appropriate. Before the battle begins, Too Short sits in the VIP section to watch the action. He probably followed Ashley into the room not even knowing what the show was.
Ashley volunteers to go first.
“Darius has a stand up joke about paying is rent in orgasms. Guess that explains why he’s still sleeping on his friend’s couch.”
“Ashley looks like Dora the explorer if she grew up and stopped taking walks.”
“Darius works part time as a Macy’s security guard which iOS prepareing him for his full time job as a Macy’s security guard.”
“Ashley is beautiful… but she’s huge. She’s too big to be a plus size model, but the perfect size to be a plus size Sudan.”
The wave gets out of their seats to dance as the crowd explodes. Darius is hitting it out of the park with a slow, calculated delivery that makes it seem almost as if he’s coming up with jokes on the spot.
“Darius has another job as a bartender at a pool. You gotta commend a guy for facing his biggest fear every day- swimming.”
“I fuck with you Ashley. I fuck with you. Ashley is divorced. Her husband left her because he wanted kids and she wanted to be an actress. If she would’ve just acted like she wanted a family, she’d probably still have a husband.”
Ashley put up a good fight, but Darius’s jokes were consistently hitting even with his drawn out delivery.
“He’s from Detroit and he has delivery like he drinks the water from Flint.” – Tony Hinchcliffe
In the end Darius takes it, hopefully earning that date he wanted, but probably not.
The next battle features equally likable, energetic friends, Audrey Stewart and Malcolm Hatchett. The two start out with great chemistry on stage and seem eager to dig in.Malcolm kicks it off.
“If Audrey was transgender, she wouldn’t need the surgery.”
“Malcolm looks like the Fresh Prince of Bel Air if Will Smith never got out of the cab.”
“Audrey’s such a man, if she was to suck my dick she’d make me swallow.”
“Every year I overcommit to Halloween parties, so this year I think I’ll go as Malcolm’s dad and simply not show up.”
“Man that shit hurt, Audrey.”
Malcolm seems to lose his place for a minute but regathers his thoughts just in time.
“Audrey’s man-ish but she’s cute. I’ll still fuck her. I’ll just be the one calling her daddy.”
“Malcolm actually asked to fuck me before this battle to get more material, but I was afraid he would fuck the way he does his stand up- slow and sloppy.”
These two are clearly having a good time on stage and literally will not stop bouncing around. While Audrey’s jokes didn’t pop all that much, she was fun to watch and it was clear these two know each other very well. All three of Malcolm’s jokes hit hard and he takes the win after the crowd vote.
An equally energetic Stephanie Tejada dances on stage next next to take on Ezekiel Echevarria. She wastes no time violenteering to take the first stab.
“Ezekiel looks like if Cartman from South Park fucked a Mexican from South Park. You look like a pedophile starter kit.”
“Stephanie and I are both Puerto Rican but she was on the Bad Girl’s club. Her appearance on that show set our people back more than hurricane Maria.”
“Ezekiel’s bald head is the only bright thing in his future. That shit’s so shiny, it looks like a fresh paint job on a low rider. That shit’s so shiny, you could fix your hair in the reflection. That shit’s so shiny, Rihanna wants to make it the spokes model off her next make up line.”
“How shiny is it?!” -The Wave
“Stephanie’s vagina is a lot like a high school. There’s a lot of black athletes hanging around and it’s only okay if white dudes shoot up the inside.”
“Ezekiel tried to tell me I was his type but I don’t have diabetes.”
“Stephanie turned down fucking Andrew Dice Clay. She should’ve at least blown him. It would’ve been the first time she spit something funny out of her mouth.”
Stephanie comes in hot with personality and attitude per usual, but in the end Ezekiel takes the win despite Stephanies large crowd of supporters.
After a night of mediocre battles, it’s time for two of the best from LA and New York to remind the audience why this show is the best. Keith Carey and Joel Walkowski take the stage to give a steplar main event. Keith, as the home court battler, volunteers to start off the blood bath.
“Ah man, what a night. We have Too Short and too fuckin tall. Too Short, I’d say blow the whistle but retards are scared of loud noises.”
“It’s true!” Josh Meyrowitz
“I am so happy to be here battling in Los Angeles and I know that Keith’s face is a lot like your fine town- sprawling, smokey, and a great place for the homeless to come.”
“Joel, I really like the look you put together here. You look like a dad who kicked his gay son out the the house, but made him leave you that shirt.”
“And mustache. Keith was nearly on one of the planes used in the 9/11 attack. That is crazy to think about. That means you came this close to giving me a good laugh.”
“Joel converted to Islam for a girl that broke up with him, so I guess we can add Joel to the list of towers Muslims destroyed in New York.”
“You’d join if they made a suicide vest in your size. Keith is in a long distance relationship. They bonded over not being able to see his dick that often.”
“Joel’s a world traveler. He said his favorite place to visit is Cuba. That makes sense cuz I looked up all your exes and you are literally the bae of pigs.”
“Anyone who watched season 3 of Roast Battle knows that Keith has a huge dick, but it actually only appears that way because it’s usually photographed next to a child.”
“Joel is a huge NBA fan, so after the show tonight you can catch him at the Staples Center yelling about how basketball used to be a white man’s game.”
“Keith’s mom had ten abortions and Keith’s clothes are always wrinkly because his siblings used all the hangers.”
Every joke hit and Too Short claims the two battlers have him in tears. The judges commend both battlers on being complete pros and Joel for destroying his first time in the Belly Room.
“He came all the way from New York to battle a guy that looks like the Big Apple.” -Tony Hinchcliffe
The edge is given to Joel for getting a slightly bigger response from the audience, so Joel takes the win for the night but Keith has a special announcement of his own,
“I just looked it up an and of last week, I’m just normal obese now.”
Keith might not die early and that’s a win for all of us!