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Another weird one. Brad Williams tried his best to judge. Fahim Anwar took a seemingly neutral position on the entire Main Event. Adam Ray may not remember any of it. If any of you or he doesn’t, you either read this OR…you have a 24 hour window to check it on a few of the Periscopes that stream it every week. It sure helped this writer remember a few key moments in the show. If you listen closely, you can hear Adam Ray drunkenly murmur throughout the Main Event, as if providing the commentary track for the DVD of the show. I get a little misty when I think about it because since the beginning Moses has said that this was a community project and an entire community comes alive every Tuesday at 11. Roast Battle heartthrob Omid Singh (5-3, 8) brought his dad and HE crushed. He’s a 50+ Indian man with real things to do and think about! And he was there! You should be there also. Whether in person or in Periscope.

Hey, if you’re in Montreal and love everything about Roasting then join Roastmaster General Jeff Ross and the whole gang at Just For Laughs!

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OMGWTFHOLYSHIT!!! That’s right! The sport of roasting has finally getting more impressive graphics! Moses, deservedly our logo, will be refereeing “16 headliners from all over the planet, competing for bragging rights and one ridiculously large JFL “Roastmasters 2015” trophy.” You can get tickets and read more here. Hope to see you there! 

Now…on to these reviews bruh.

Our first undercard, the Battle for Caucasia, had “Sugar” Sean Leary (1-0, 42) taking down Matthew Broussard (0-1, 74)!

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What an opening undercard. Two of the best young comics around. The skinniest of pants. Zero bulge. Some thought my man “Sug” was too nice for the battle. Well what do they think now? Sean danced and smooched his way into our hearts and Matthew burned a few paid regular bridges. Great, great battle. We only roast the ones we love and the fact that these two are friends was on display. Well…as friendly as Sean could seem with MTV2′s latest newsbot across from him.

MATTHEW ON SEAN

“Sean, you Voldemort motherfucker, you’re like American History X, except that movie made me laugh.”

“Your scalp is so shiny when I look into it I can see how much better my career is going.

“All your jokes about dating and airplane food. If you were any hackier, you’d be a Comedy Store paid regular.”

Jesus, how is Matthew’s name NOT Tad? Matthew is a human letterman jacket. I love that after Matt made his Inside Baseball joke about the paid regulars, the Wave popped up in defense of the Store, surrounding Matthew and pointing fake guns at him. The side shows had a banner night for sure. Matthew had an interesting roasting strategy, sneaking zings before his set-ups. Liz Stewart (1-0, 57) tried that and won so roast at your own risk. 

SEAN ON MATTHEW

“Matthew has openly admitted to being able to give himself a blowjob. It’s nice to know not just his personality sucks dick.”

“Matthew lives in a two bedroom apartment in West Hollywood. He got the extra bedroom so he had more closets to hide in.”

“Matthew’s father has Parkinson’s. But his most violent head shaking comes when he watches Matthew tell people he’s straight.”

“Matthew looks like the Winklevoss twins if their billion dollar idea was roofies.”

Hope you brought some aloe vera, bruh. Also, don’t forget it’s Leary v. Waldron. COMING SOON.

This Battle gets a full 

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The next undercard found Chaunte Wayans (1-0, 54) taking down Daphnique Springs (1-1, 64)!

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This battle brought some weird for sure. Daphnique started by saying it was time for her to battle again. Chaunte started the battle by declaring she doesn’t have fake hair or fake titties. Which is fair. Chaunte took advantage of the situation after victory, getting awkwardly close to molesting Daphnique and offering oral sex repeatedly. This battle was late to start (#shocking) but still had some big moments.

CHAUNTE ON DAPHNIQUE

“Daphnique opens up for a lot of big comedians and sometimes, gets to go on stage before them.”

“Daphnique’s mouth looks like Daffy forgot to duck.”

Crucial stuff. I gotta become a “big comedian”.

DAPHNIQUE ON CHAUNTE

“Chaunte was molested by one of her uncles. It’s sad you sucked a Wayans’ dick and still didn’t make it.”

“Chaunte is so gay she tucks her clit.”

Yikes to that first one huh? Never thought I’d say this but I hope there’s a Wayans I have never heard of. Daph had good jokes and in-the-moment presence but relied too heavily on notes. Didn’t get the crowd going like Chaunte did.

This Battle gets 

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Our latest challenge to the “King of the Barnhill” had Ashley Barnhill (5-0, 3) barely breaking a sweat against Phenom Brown (0-1, 111)!

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Props to the show for getting in a bunch of Dolezal references into the show. Chaunte and Phenom even look a little like Rachel, but one day we all will. Phenom’s performance was cut directly from a Maya Angelou speech. Seriously, she might still be talking. Had she not seen the show? Did she think it was a spoken word jam? Let Phenom be a shining example future roasters. Do not step into the ring without gloves. The only reason she didn’t make us feel as wretched as the Blundercard from a few weeks ago was because she was such a sweetheart. In this pic, Omid is walking Phenom out of the room while the irreplaceable Coach Tea plays Taps. After a quick salute, she was gone.

ASHLEY ON PHENOM

“I’m not afraid of Phenom, because if I was chicken, she’d eat me.”

“Her parents named her Phenom when she was born, but if they could see her now they would’ve named her Phenom nom nom nom nom nom.” 

“Overweight and lonely, Phenom can only find love on Kraftsingles.com.” 

“Nowadays there’s a lot of innocent black people getting shot, Phenom gets shot everyday, with insulin.”

Phenom-enal stuff, as usual, Ash. You’ll see The Committee has updated me with the ranks. They should be up on the site soon enough. Ashley may have shot to #3 but it’s an asterisk #3. I mean her last opponent was given a 21-gun salute she was so bad. But these are just numbers a shady organization has given me to put on a web site at the end of the day.

And in a crusher of a Main Event, Frank Castillo (7-2, 7) defeated Jerron Horton (3-3, 18)!

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Look at the respect between these two. Look at the forehead real estate on these two.

“Good to see a black guy and a Mexican guy can get together and be the same color.”-Tony Hinchcliffe, finally getting one in.

The best show isn’t a show it’s a couple of friends with a microphone and these two friends gave us one of the battles of the year. Can’t give enough love to the non-battle parts of the show, including appearances from the Family Singh.

“Frank, are you sure you’re Mexican? You look like an IT from Mumbai.”- “Money in the” Banka Singh.

“I think the Avatar had some good jokes.”-Omid Singh, with perfect Roast joke structure yet again.  

JERRON ON FRANK

“Frank doesn’t speak much Spanish, he only knows the word “si” because that’s his bra size.”

“I’m not surprised Frank printed out his jokes for tonight. He’s Mexican. They have to walk around with their papers.”

“Frank has always had a thing for ugly chicks, he’s been on the 1s and 2s longer than Coach Tea.”

“Frank’s known as the “life of the party” because he was born at his mom’s quinceanera.”

“Franks so lazy that he’s a stand in for Forest Whitaker’s eye.”  

Hot fucking damn. This is why the best Battles are between friends. You get such smart, specific and most importantly, mean jokes.

FRANK ON JERRON

“Jerron looks like the action figures his dad never bought him.”

“Jerron’s forehead is so big his moms pussy looks like the Tracy Morgan car crash.”

“Whenever I see Jerron I’m scared he’s going to sell me candy for his high school basketball team.”

“Jerron looks like the slave that complains the others aren’t working hard enough.”

“Jerron’s next battle will be spelling Greg Fitzsimmon’s name on the marquee.”

“Black lives matter, Jerron Horton’s doesn’t.”

Fuhhhhhhhh. I had no idea who was going to win from joke to joke. It wasn’t a great night for judge feedback but it was hardly necessary due to the high quality of the Roasting on stage. The Roastmaster, though not present, was somewhere sweating with pride.

This Battle gets a full 

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JUDGES / PERISCOPE JOKE OF THE NIGHT

“I think the avatar had some good jokes.”-Omid Singh

JOKE OF THE NIGHT

“Jerron looks like the slave that complains the others aren’t working hard enough.”

I am 31-22 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us@roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff.

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