by Richie Gaines, photos by Troy Conrad

This week in the Belly Room some experimenting is underway.
The night starts early with John Pridmore and Andrew Yanker. It’s fitting that
these two virgin’s of the Belly Room are solely judged by pornstar Christiana
Cinn. Christiana is like a Marine with judging. She’s early, has a pen and
paper out, ready to do her job as John and Andrew take the stage. Our first
battlers are new, but Christiana is a true professional as she calls for Andrew
to go first.

“John came out of the closet, but not before trying to hang
himself.”

“Andrew’s dad used to be an exercise guru, so he’s actually
rebelling by looking 40 something in his twenties.”

“John’s voice is so annoying, he sounds like Daffy Duck. Too
bad he doesn’t have a single bill.”

“Andrew has a lazy eye. It’s not his fault that his eye also
has a trust fund.”

“John came out in high school and now he’s recently homeless
and he’s been trying to get indoors ever since.”

“One of the first times I ever met Andrew he was crying
about the plight of the homeless, so I’m still not 100% sure if he’s a faggot
or just really sad.”

John and Andrew both did great for their first time. They
went up in an experimental first spot with one judge, no Wave and a lukewarm
audience. It’s pretty obvious John took this one. After some more stand up and
the arrival of The Wave, Kal Hamilton and Arthur Hamilton take the stage. These
guys aren’t related; they just have… 

“That slave-ass last name.” – Brian Moses

The crowd is warmed up. Christiana has her score pad ready. Kal begins.

“Roast Battle, I cannot believe I’m battling a knock off LeVar Burton. The only difference is, between him and LeVar Burton – Arthur
can’t read, but he can ride the rainbow to West Hollywood.”

After all of that, the wave is the only one to get a laugh
on that joke.

“All right, I see where you’re going”  – Jeremiah

“All right Charles Barkley Jr…”

Jeremiah chimes back in.

“He said you got small gambling debts!” –Jeremiah

So far Jeremiah is the best part of this battle as Arthur
begins his first joke.

“Kal, your stomach sticks out farther than your chest, so I
assume the only time you work out is when you on the run from child support.”

“Arthur is the same person as Kunta Kinte, I mean they
should be the same. Shit, they both been out for a long ass time and still
don’t got two feet in the game.”

“You got the face and body structure of the worlds worst
step dad… Kal Hamilton is to comedy what my uncle is to our family BBQs. Yeah,
he shows up and brings the peach cobbler, but nobody still fuckin’ likes him.”

“Arthur came from a single mother, which she had to be the
mother and the father. She had a beard thicker than his, so I’m sure she was a
good woman, but I’m sure she definitely was a shitty ass father.”

That was a very confusing association of ideas and words so
I’m not sure I got this 100% correct, but what ever it was it bombed. And in
the words of Arthur:

“Imma finish this nigga… Kal Hamilton looks like a ninja
turtle who grew up without a father because Master Splinter went out for a pack
of cigarettes and never came.” 

This battle had its ups and downs. Arthur showed more
promise than Kal, but if he keeps battling he’ll need to step up the joke
writing creativity. Neither battler was bad by any means, but they both had
that fresh vibe. If Arthur battles someone at the next level without taking his
writing to the next level he’ll get destroyed. The crowd and Christiana both
agree Arthur takes the win. After two young men with promise leave the stage,
two old men hanging on to their comedy careers for dear life take it. 

“You guys look like bad Adam Sandler characters.” – Brian
Moses 

Indeed they do. These two “should have died up there” stars
go by Steven Alan Green and Adam Gropman. After some shots on their looks and
age, Steven begins.

“Adam looks like a monster who couldn’t quite fit into his
Jew costume.”

“Thank you Kenny Kissinger. Steven’s name is written on the
wall of the Comedy Store, in the office, under a sign that says ‘people who
have written bad checks.’”

“Adam’s comedy has gotten darker, which makes sense because
he kind of looks like a melting candle.”

“Steven, your career is like your pants, they’re both
suspended.”

This draws a line in the sand between Adam and Steven. The
room lights up and Adam begins to soar ahead in what was seemingly a bland
battle.

“Steven looks like a Batman villain who’s superpower is
stealing magazines from waiting rooms and farting.”

“Adam looks like what I would look like if I really tried to
make it in the comedy business, but failed just as hard.”

Does that make sense? I still can’t figure that line out.
Anyway…

“I’m gonna let that joke die naturally… Stevan Alan Green,
his initials are SAG, which is appropriate because the other day he asked me
for $3,000.”

Adam clearly takes this one from the paid irregular. After
this battle, the firing squad goes from one lonely pornstar to an overload of roasting
minds. The Mean Boys, Connor McSpadden and Keith Carey, arrive along with Roastmaster
Jeff Ross, Roast Battle season 2 champion Frank Castillo, Roast-something Tony Hinchcliffe (Comedy Central, Netflix), Roast Battle
on Comedy Central’s Olivia Grace, and winner of NBCs Last Comic Standing Clayton English. There
are almost as many judges as people that will battle tonight. Even with all
this firepower here, there’s still one more judge to arrive as Lou Varham and
Heather Maruli take the stage. The battle of stupid last names begins:

“Lou was going to kill himself by drowning in a river. He
would have died something he’s never seen before – a wet pussy.”

“Heather’s related to a mobster who trafficked narcotics.
She keeps the family legacy alive by looking like a mule.”

“Thanks Law & Order SV-Lou.”

“Wow, that joke was weaker than the floor boards you’re
standing on.”

“Thank God I’m fat so you can’t fit your hands around my
neck like when you choked your girlfriend. You look like an episode of True Life: I Donate Sperm For A Living.”

“Heather’s from Colorado and that’s fitting because her
standup career is rocky and she has the shoulders of a Denver Bronco.”

“I get booked a lot. Lou’s ex cheated on him 12 times in
Japan. I’m not sure what’s more pathetic: her cheating or the fact that he
fucks worse than 12 Asians.”

“Guys don’t want Heather’s nudes, because they require the
purchase of an external hard drive.”

There is a shift in the room after this battle. The judge’s
section is full, Jeff is here, Heather and Lou kill it, and McSpadden wastes no
time jumping in:

“This is like watching the guy that sits alone in the strip
club fight the fortune teller that knows she’s going to die of diabetes.”
–Connor McSpadden

Christiana may not be alone anymore, but she will not be
silenced. She jumps in too: 

“Lou, you look like you work at a lot of different stores at
the mall.”                – Christiana Cinn

The judging is over. The audience and firing squad give the
win to Heather, but Lou saying something he feels like he needs to say is like
a kid who just has to pick that booger. No matter how gross or unappealing it
seems, he’s just gotta go for it. Jeff wasn’t even really taking shots at Lou either,
he was just talking about the battle and then Lou:

“Jeff…”

Before Lou can say anything else everybody loses it. Nobody
can believe the second most unlikable person on the show tonight is going to
come at the Roastmaster. Someone yells out “let him say the joke.”

“You remind me of my thumb if my thumb never gave a woman an
orgasm before.” – Lou to Jeff

“Maybe if you behave Heather will let you go up on her.”
– Jeff Ross

Obviously Lou’s joke bombs, but it was a very fun moment
before heading into our last undercard of the night. Jasmin Leigh versus Sarah
Keller. They both have swag like two girls from a music video.

“Jasmin’s what you call a straight-to-video hoe.” – Keith
Carey

“Jasmin looks like what Rachel Dolezal wanted to be.” – Frank
Castillo

Jasmin kicks off the battle with the first joke.

“Sarah’s comedy is so bad the only way she’s blowing up is
at an Ariana Grande’s concert.”

“Jasmin believes that life is a movie. Which is why she’s
constantly yelling.”

“Sarah you’re so white, you look like you masturbate with
mayonnaise.”

“Jasmin was arrested for protesting. It’s the only booking
she’s ever deserved.”

“I can’t wait for Sarah’s special to drop. It’s premiering
in IMAX – on her big ass forehead.”

“I feel like we have the same size forehead…Jasmin has the
name of a Disney princess, the body of Aladdin and the face of Apu.”

It’s a great battle, or as the Saudi Prince puts it:

“That was so Raven, my friend, that was fun to watch.”
– Saudi Prince

“This looks like the morning late shift at Dennys.” – Frank
Castillo

“I’d love to hear what the Mean Boys and this pornstar chick
have to say about it” – Jeff Ross

After Keith calls Jasmin a “post-op Chris Tucker” it gets
very Remember The Titans as Jasmin feels
it’s her race and not her joke writing that is being judged.

“Can we get some black judges?” – Jasmin

“Sarah you look a little bit like Reese Witherspoon…if she
fell off. If she fell off. If she did heroin…Reese Witherspoon and the
needle.” – Clayton English

This seems to ease whatever “tension” was building. Jasmin
and Sarah get back to dancing as Olivia calls for a forehead inspection.

“Jasmin I think you look great, you’re very fashionable. You
look like the wicked witch of the Westside of Detroit right now. And I really
want to know who’s forehead is bigger” – Olivia Grace

“This is like the movie Django
Unchained
when they’re measuring the skull and shit…” – Keith Carey

The judges begin swinging Jasmin’s way before the crowd
turns on them and calls for one more joke.

“Wait one second, I just want to know, Jasmin: did someone
else write one more joke for you?”  – Connor McSpadden

“Jasmin calls Jeff ‘Daddy Ross,’ because he’s the only
father that hasn’t walked out on her.”

“Sarah you have a fat face. You look like honey BOO! BOO!
BITCH, GET OFF THE STAGE!”

“I just want to say, I know Jasmin wrote all her own jokes,
I don’t want to imply that women don’t write they’re own jokes. I know she
wrote her own jokes because they were terrible.” –Connor McSpadden

And that is the case for Jasmin as Sarah takes the win due
to good joke writing. Above I said Lou was the second most unlikeable character
of the night, which says a lot about this next man because there are rumors
that Lou assaulted his ex-girlfriend. Anyway, Caesar Lizardo takes the stage to
battled Jacob Trimmer.

“I feel like Jacob looks like a genie that comes out of a Rockstar
energy drink.” –Connor McSpadden

And no, Jacob is not the unlikable one.

“Wait I’m confused, you haven’t quit yet?” – Jeff Ross (to
Caesar)

“You guys look like you’re both sad you got picked last for
the prison dodge ball team.” –Keith Carey

“Jeff, before we start, who do you like in this one?” –Brain
Moses

“Nobody.” – Jeff Ross

I think that pretty much sums up the vibe going into this
battle. Jacob begins:

“Caesar you quinceanera Ken doll. You look like you roll the
‘R’ when you say the ‘N’ word.”

“Jacob looks like he could be the leader of the KK-Cake.”

“Caesar never drinks his booze on the rocks. He’s never even
seen ICE – since they deported his family. “

“Jacob you’re one sketchy looking motherfucker. You look
like anytime you have sex with a chick, she doesn’t even know about it.”

“Caesar’s actually 13% black, but I’m 100% sure he’ll still
be shot by the cops.”

“Jacob used to pop Percocets in high school because he was
fat and depressed about having a perky set.”

“Caesar fucks his girlfriend the same way he finished
college. He leaves and someone else fills the slot.”

“Thank you Pill Poppa Roach…yes I have a girlfriend, but you
look like you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong mosh pits.”

“Just like a Dominican to get upstaged by Haiti…”

“This coming from the a guy who hasn’t a job in two years
and my parents pay for half my shit, this is not a joke, this is true facts
about this man. TRUE FACTS. NO JOKES.”

A “one less fact,” chant ensues.

“Caesar is both black and Hispanic, so he has perfect rhythm
when he beats his girlfriend.”

“Interesting fact.” –Jeff Ross

“Jacob is only 26 years old…”

This gets a huge ironic laugh.

“…Which is surprising because he looks like he’s been
drawing swastikas in bathrooms for at least 30 years.“

Caesar had the upper hand in this battle and the judges
begrudgingly agree. Caesar can’t understand why he is so unlikable and the
Mean Boys make it crystal clear for him.

“When you said the N word the crowd was like, ‘is he allowed
to do that?’” –Keith Carey

“Sir, you’re wearing a Shaq jersey, a backwards hat at a 45
degree angle and an apple watch – go fuck yourself.” –Connor McSpadden

Caesar still has the fuckboy confidence to fire back.

“Thank you Cocky and Bull-twinkle.” – Caesar

The last judge finally arrives; it’s Big Jay Oakerson!

“I didn’t see the battle, but when someone said the guy in the
Shaq jersey is great, but he’s so unlikeable, I thought, I guess that’s
Caesar.” – Big Jay

Sometimes the villain wins. Roast Battle started in Los
Angeles, but every battle doesn’t have a Hollywood ending. In the final main
event of the night Galina Rivina takes on undefeated Robbie Goodwin AKA The
King of Burbank AKA Peter Riffin’.

“This looks like the beginning of every rape that happened
at UCB.” – Keith Carey 

Galina goes first:

“Robbie calls himself the king of Burbank, and he hasn’t
been in a woman since he crowned.”

“Galina looks like the girl next door… to the girl we
actually want to fuck.”

“Robbie’s Afghan, he does dozens of impressions. That means
his garbage act comes in 72 versions.”

“Thanks, decoy from To
Catch a Predator.”

“You’re welcome, every extra from Borat.

Robbie does what he does best and immediately goes into a
Borat impression. A “Peter Riffin’” chant starts in his ironic honor.

“Seriously though, Galina, how do you look like everyone’s
mom and little sister at the same time?”

“Robbie, how do you look like an Angry Bird that’s on the no
fly list?”

“Thank you down syndrome Selena Gomez. Galina is a real
wonder woman in that people wonder what she’s doing in comedy.”

“Robbie I hope that your talent gets you in a movie, but it
will probably get you in a trailer.”

“Galina’s like Barron Trump in that she looks twelve and
acts retarded.”

“Robbie, I’m confused. If you’re here, who’s out trying to
rape women with his socks on?”

“I do love socks. That is true. Galina is the fifth highest
ranked female fighter, which proves my theory: women aren’t funny.”

This battle was fun, but something was missing.

“I think the winner of that was the last three battles.”
– Jeff Ross

It was the last battle of the night after a lot of battles
and both Galina and Robbie are new to the Main Event. Robbie had more
personality and matched Galina’s jokes writing which gave him the win. Shown by
tonight, there is a new class of battlers coming up. Jacob, Robbie, Caesar,
Galina, Lou, Heather and many others are all getting better and filling the
slots as battlers like Olivia, Frank, Keith and Connor move on to bigger and
better things. That’s not to say they won’t step back in the ring, but they’re
becoming the judges of a new class. Tonight was a sign of where the show is
headed and it’s looking good. As always, it’s a great night in the Belly Room,
I’m gay, see you later!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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