The Belly Room is rockin’ and the crowd has come a knockin’. A panel of homegrown Roast Battle comics – Frank Castillo, Jay Light, Jamar Neighbors, Willie Hunter, Doug Fager, Sarah Keller, and Alex Duong – sits in the VIP section, ready to pass judgment on the young bucks. They are joined by Petey DeAbreu, a rising New York star who is on his first trip to the West Coast and coming off a stint at Comedy Central’s Clusterfest.
First up, Abraham Boche seeks his first win against Steve “Smokey” Olmos.
Abraham comes dressed for a funeral while Steve comes dressed for a Motocross race.
“This nigga look like Judah Freeloader!” – Jamar Neighbors
After some weird chatter up top about collecting dead bodies and eating pussy, the two get to joking.
“Hey fuck you Smokey! You wanna talk about mamas, bitch? Your mama ain’t got no feet, talkin’ about let’s kick it.”
“Nigga… no you did not do that joke.” – Moses
“Every time me and this motherfucker go to the airport, we get stopped because he looks like a fucking terrorist, so I say his name’s Mohammed, and Mexican motherfuckers are like “Mohammed la Chingana,” fuck. It means Mohammed Motherfucker, that’s what that means.”
“Fuck you bitch. This motherfucker wasn’t in the Marines, he just has that hat so he can stand in front of the liquor store and ask for change.”
“Hey, if you guys ever know what he done, he works at Union Station in the parking department. He’s good at it. It’s the only place he gets fucking spots.”
“Fuck you bitch, you look like a broke-ass fucking Ewok. This fuckin’ tall leprechaun’s idea of gold is marrying a woman with eight kids with, fuckin’, ah, welfare.”
“At least I eat with that EBT, bitch. Shit, nigga, okay, look, I’m gonna say this shit. How the fuck I’m your best friend and you try and sell me a refrigerator that’s got fuckin’ cockroaches in it? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Man, it sure feels like a first battle in here. The crowd is half-supportive, half-confused. The judges offer mixed reviews.
“Aw man, I don’t like anybody. This was like a Roast Battle outside of a gas station.” – Frank Castillo
“Abraham I can’t believe you fuckin’ shined your shoes for this… Smokey, I can’t believe you stole a homeless man’s shoes for this.” – Jay Light
“I’m gonna treat this like a dating app. I’m swiping left on both of you.” – Willie Hunter
“I was happy to see both these guys here and not offering to pop a dent out of my fender at Ralph’s.” – Doug Fager
“You look like garden gnomes on different parts of Western Avenue.” – Alex Duong
Ultimately, the crowd gets behind Abraham, and he claims his first-ever Roast Battle victory.
“That battle was so bad, no one noticed that Smoke said the n-word.” – Frank Castillo
“Smoke’s house got raided by ICE today, he can say whatever he wants.” – Moses
“By raided you mean sprayed with Raid.” – Jamar Neighbors
Up next, Sarah Fatemi and Digits take to the stage. Sarah seems to be her usual bubbly self, and Digits comes out with bravado, dapping up the judges. He snatches the mic and paces around the stage. After some jabs about Middle Eastern people and some confusion about who’s going first, Sarah takes the first swing.
“Digits. Your mustache looks like a Dirty Sanchez. Which makes sense because you’re constantly eating shit.”
“Thank you, Camela Anderson. Sarah came all the way from Iran to the USA to get money for her family. Because her dad’s business closed down. He was teaching sex ed and driver’s ed at the same time. That camel was just two fuckin’ exhausted.”
Digits makes some camel noises as the audience chuckles. Sarah reels back and socks him in the mouth with her next joke:
“Thank you, ICE ICE Took My Baby.”
The crowd goes nuts. Coach plays Ice Ice Baby and Willie dances on the balcony.
“Digits. You’re a failed battle rapper. Your bars are so weak that if the government used them to build the cages, the kids would have escaped already.”
“Good angles. Thank you, Julia-Louise DryPussy. Sarah’s vagina is so old and Middle Eastern that in the 90s, Osama bin Laden used to hang out there. Now the shit’s just a Bush in the USA.”
“What the fuck? You can punch a parole officer but you can’t punch up that joke?”
The Wave comes rushing down from the VIP section and circles Sarah. The three of them jump up and down in pure joy.
“Digits, you look like you were born with a birth defect. You put the MS in MS-13.”
“Sarah moved to LA to become famous, because she got famous that her cousin Achmed fuckin’ blew up. You terrorist fuckin’ bitch! USA! USA! USA!”
Although Digits successfully leads the crowd in a USA chant, Sarah proves that she came to play. It warms a Roast Battle fan’s heart to see new battlers finally come into their own, and with this match, Sarah proves that she’s arrived.
“It’s funny that your name is Digits but the only number you can remember is a bail bondsman’s… Sarah looks like the type of girl I would only cuddle with on ecstasy.” – Doug Fager
“This was a hot battle, man. This was like food stamps versus tramp stamps.” – Alex Duong
Sarah decisively earns her win and we move on to our third fight, Ryan Nesen versus Cole Alexander.
Cole’s transgender girlfriend comes out to be his ring girl and is immediately the focus of everyone’s attention in the room.
“Hold up, hold up, what did I just see?” – Willie Hunter
“The best that money can buy.” – Frank Castillo
“I’ve got some questions…” – Willie Hunter
“See, if this was the face of the campaign, a lot more people would be on board.” – Frank Castillo
Once everyone manages to stop acting like a horny wolf in a 1950s Looney Tunes cartoon, the battle gets underway.
“Cole works at a golf course, obviously, during the day, and dates a transgender woman at night. This guy really loves putting his balls in man-made holes.”
“Ryan brought up my relationship because he’s so shocked to see one that involves consensual sex. The only thing more damaged than Ryan’s girlfriend are his childhood pets.”
“They all died of natural causes. Cole, you are a raging alcoholic. Your liver is so black and scarred you should rename it Seal.”
“Ryan looks like he’s a regular at Dave and Busters because he’s legally not allowed inside a Chuck E. Cheese’s.”
“That’s a strong joke coming from a guy who looks like his mom still washes his jizz rag. Cole’s hooked up with men, women, trans, thems, theys. The last time he got fucked by this many pronouns was when he failed the SATs.”
“Strong joke from Jeremy Piven’s understudy. Ryan’s now won three battles. Unlike his father, who lost his first battle to cancer.”
Cole has officially cooled off. His last joke gets a little bit more heat, but his first two jokes falter where Ryan’s succeed.
“Cole, your girlfriend has more convincing material than you do.” – Jay Light
“This dude looks like he would call the cops on me, this dude looks like he would defend me in a court of law… but I’m gonna give it to [Cole] because of this motherfucker right here!” – Petey DeAbreu
“Where’s she hide the dick?” – Willie Hunter
“There is no dick.” – Cole’s girlfriend
The crowd and judges start an “AIN’T NO DICK!” chant.
“Happy Pride month everybody, holy shit.” – Moses
“Right before the battle, Cole’s girlfriend came up to me and told me you were going to lose. I guess she had you pegged.” – Doug Fager
Ryan takes this one in a walk.
Finally, the main event is here: Lou Misiano versus Zach Stein. Zach comes out wearing the suit he wore in his very first Roast Battle, which no longer fits him because Zach has packed on some pounds.
“I can see your dick and your FUPA.” – Frank Castillo
“You look like a really nice human casing of a hot dog.” – Willie Hunter
Lou, on the other hand, looks as dapper as ever, stepping on stage with a bouquet of roses that he hands to a woman in the front row.
“We look the exact same!” – Zach Stein
“Zach’s body looks like my dick in a normal-sized condom.” – Lou Misiano
This hilarious contrast that sets the room up for a real humdinger of a fight, and these two fighters absolutely deliver.
“Zach being funny is like the Holocaust: it never happened.”
“No arguments here, I know lots of Jews. Doesn’t add up. But anyway… I never got it! It happened? But how are there so many of you? Anyway, Lou is from Philadelphia, and he admires Rocky Balboa for never being afraid to punch a black man.”
“There’s too many black men, it doesn’t add up. One time, Zach drunk drove himself onto a baseball diamond. It’s the only way he could get to third base without paying for it.”
“That joke was missing the important detail of ‘at a child’s summer camp.'”
“The Jews and their camps, am I right?”
“Lou used to be a lifeguard because he got to give women mouth-to-mouth. If he could hold them underwater for long enough.”
“I’m drowning in pussy, constantly. On that fateful night, when Zach drunk drove from the pitcher’s mound across home plate, the umpire yelled ‘Kike! You’re out!'”
“Personally, I think the organization needs to look into that umpire. Like I said, a lot of them around, no big deal. Lou, this is true, Lou dropped out of college because he was more popular in high school. And to be fair, though…”
At this point, Lou, pulling one of his classic heel tricks, takes a selfie. Zach notices and capitalizes.
“That’s gonna be evidence for someone later.”
The room lights up. Zach, the master of Roast Battle judo, has officially turned the tables.
“Should I bother with the joke? Lou dropped out of college because he was more popular in high school. But to be fair, Penn State no longer felt like home to dudes who were better at fucking minors.”
“I’m so handsome even the minors gave me consent. Growing up, my mother gave me an amazing childhood. Unlike Zach’s biological mother, who gave him away.”
“To fucking rich people! Lou had a great childhood. His parents divorced, his sister died of an overdose… but, uh… his parents got divorced…
Zach’s lackadaisical cadence works to his advantage here, with the crowd cracking up even just during the setup. Zach then says what the show should be renamed to:
“Stop laughing at the sad parts!”
But he’s on a roll, and that roll ain’t slowing down.
“Lou’s parents got a divorce… have you heard about this!? Lou’s parents got a divorce, and his sister died of an overdose. So it was only natural for him to come to comedy and continue to not matter.”
“Speaking of comedy, Zach didn’t become successful until he started dating someone way funnier than him. Who do you think you are, Zach, a female comic?”
“Hey, it’s their time now… I’ll eat whatever pussy I can have. No, hey, Lou’s dad is 20 years older than his mom. So that means if Lou wants to follow in his dad’s footsteps, then right now, his future wife is getting abused.”
Ultimately, Zach walks away with the win, snapping a losing streak and reminding everyone that he’s currently one of the best in the game from both an offensive and defensive standpoint. We’ll see y’all next week.
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