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My apologies for the delay in the report. I just got a new computer so I don’t have to use Jay Light’s (6-3, 6) anymore. It was a busy week at the day job. But here we are and Happy 4th of July. The undercards nailed it on Tuesday night. The Main Event didn’t have the same punch but it didn’t matter. Matt Fulchiron had a couple quiet jokes that were great. The Sklars were on fire from the jump. And of course, Thomas Dale and Earl Skakel had a thing. Adam Eget, Talent Coordinator and reason the show exists, even managed to get a few cracks in. But seriously, from Boon to Earl to Coach Tea, this show is so much more than what’s on stage.

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This guy that’s on stage? Joe Eurell. He was the latest challenge to the throne at the top of the Barnhill. But young miss Barnhill was no where to be found on Tuesday night. She’s ok. She probably just had somewhere better to be than her residency on the best show in town. It’s a good thing too. He went up on the show before the battle and sprinkled in some Ashley jokes.

JOE ON ASHLEY

“We both needed help getting here. I needed my roommate’s help getting up the stairs, and Ashley needed her boyfriend to write her roast material.”

“Ashley’s father nicknamed her Bambi, mainly because of the white spots he left on her back after pulling out.”

Fuego.

ASHLEY ON JOE

Aw man. Wait, Omid got one in!

OMID ON JOE

“Joe, you look like the stork that dropped you.”

Stellar stuff guys. Get well soon, Ashley?

Finally some previews bruh.

Our first undercard had Dan Lewis Fawcett (1-0, ?) taking down Seth Woodward (0-1, ?)!

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Oh so first the Charleston shooter is allegedly taken to Burger King and then he kills at the Roast Battle? Too soon, Josh. There was hardly a mention of DLF’s resemblance to Dylann Roof, despite a rare appearance from the judges for the undercards. Coach Tea did play him up to a remix of the theme to “The Office” so at least one person was paying attention. Seth put up a better than expected fight for sure.

SETH ON DLF

“Dan’s a Christian, which is surprising because he’s so ugly, I’m surprised he hasn’t questioned the existence of a loving God on his own.”

You shouldn’t say anything about my appearance Dan, you dress like an AIDS quilt.”

Not bad but Dan Lewis, an admitted Christian, came out (#zing) swinging with the fists of the Lord.

DLF ON SETH

“Seth teaches chess to little kids, which is hard since he has to stay 500ft away from them at all times.”

“Seth doesn’t believe in God, but judging by his career, God doesn’t believe in Seth either.”-mega comeback

“Seth would be on to catch a predator, if he could catch a kid.”

Dan really won the room with the comeback, showing yet again how much it can help to know what someone might write about you. Before you truly roast another you must be able to roast…yourself. Plus, it helped that Dan owned who he was on stage way more. Seth seemed to clam up from the start of the battle on.

“If sucking dicks and the Bible get you these jokes, then I’m in!”-a Sklar.

? ? / ? ? ? is where this battle registers on the FE scale!

Our second undercard had John Mitchell (2-0, ?) dispatching of Eric Carter (0-1)!

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“Your arms are in the shape of a Confederate flag.”-a Sklar.

Eric got roasted by anybody and everybody with a microphone.  A split second after he, ignorant southern drawl and all, admitted he was from Mississipi, Coach Tea hit us all with “Sweet Home Alabama.” Then, Moses asked why he accepted the challenge from John.

“This is the only thing he’s ever been accepted to.”-Omid Singh (5-3, 8)

“In his defense, everything is a challenge.”-Sina Amedson (3-3, 27)

Eric may love the “victory” pose but like every battle ever waged by the South, he lost. His persona and accent kind of helped him but it wasn’t enough to cover for his sub-par jokes.

ERIC ON JOHN

“You are to comedy what the confederate flag is to black people, you’re gettin taken down!”

“Let’s talk incest. You went to prison, you know what it’s like to get fucked by brothers.”

Eric hosts a public access show called “Let’s Talk Incest” back home in Mississippi. John had some dece jokes but the one about Birmingham rocked the room.

JOHN ON ERIC

“Eric is one ugly redneck, he’s got a face only his mother could fuck.”

“Eric doesn’t mind bombing as long as it’s 4 little black girls in a Birmingham church.”

“Eric comes from such a long line of white supremacists even his family tree has black people hanging from it.”

That last one Eric took as a compliment, shocking no one and disturbing everyone. This went to a joke-off that was not very good. John sucked less though, which couldn’t be said about him when he was in prison.

“The thing about Eric is he has the voice of a child molester and the eyes of a serial killer.”-another Sklar.

This battle will receive ? ? / ? ? ? but it barely makes it.

And in our Main Event, Tom Goss (1-1, 44) handily beating Matt Cole (0-1, 93)!

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Remember the Mole People you used to hear stories about growing up? Well one got drunk and had sex with an overweight turtle and now we have Tom. Tom had some big moments but he left the door open for a more even battle. Matt just didn’t have the firepower to keep up. His biggest crowd reaction came when he admitted he lost. 

MATT ON TOM

“Tom was recent named Variety’s Top 10 Comics to suicide watch.”

“It’s taken me 35 years to get this fat. You’re only 22 and fast tracking obesity. Diabetes isn’t a race. I already lost this roast, that’s just friendly advice.”

Yea that was it. Tom, like DLF before him was way more confident in his delivery and did not read from his notes. I have learned in my battles that reading from your notes can take away from your performance.

TOM ON SETH

“Matt says he he fucks a lot of fat black chicks but really he’s just stealing their insulin.”

“Matt only has 2 shirts and they’re sewn together.”

“The only reason you didn’t kill yourself a long time ago is because a noose wouldn’t fit around your chins.”

“Matt looks like Aryan Bowser.”

Coach Tea hit us with the theme from the underground levels in Super Mario Bros. after the Bowser line. Tom may have won but Matt really, really lost. We haven’t seen a showing this bad since Matt Lewis (0-1, last, banned). Hey if you’re a Matt, maybe roasting isn’t your thing.

This battle barely gets  ? ?  /  ? ? ? ? ? on the FE scale. It really was the sideshows that sealed it. Speaking of…

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What you see here is a culmination of the sexual tension bubbling between Earl and Olivia all night. After the final battle, they jumped on stage, started circling each other like sharks and proceeded to make out. Within seconds, Earl was naked. Odd how he ends up naked every time we have a gay male as judge. Last time he was nearly fellated by Guy Branum, (1-1, 7HR).

No jokes on Tuesday really stuck out to me as original or particularly clever so I’ll just go with the joke that go the biggest reaction from the room.

JOKE OF THE NIGHT

 “Eric doesn’t mind bombing as long as it’s 4 little black girls in a Birmingham church.”

“This is one of the most fun things we do and our favorite show to be a part of. Can’t wait for the next one.”-the Sklars

See you next week, folks.

I am 37-23 in picks. Yea, I’m the only one keeping track. Wanna fight about it? Thanks as usual for reading and coming to the show. Shout to the Great Photog for the beautiful photos. Follow us on the only IG backed by the Report, tweet us @roastbattle or email roastbattle@gmail.com for questions/concerns/other stuff. 

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