The stand up comes to a close and the audience and judge’s section are already packed at the start of the battles. All the parts that make Roast Battle whole are present: Coach Tea, The Wave, Chantmaster Autistic Thunder, Saudi Prince in his corner of hate, and of course the one and only Brian Moses. The judges are introduced, starting with the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross. He introduces Jena Friedman, but is being cagy about a third guest who is obscured by the shadows. After Moses asks Jeff about the shadowy figure for a third time, Jeff seemingly deflects again, instead choosing to banter with the Saudi Prince:
“Saudi Prince, have you ever seen Jon Stewart in your country?” -Jeff Ross
“What’s a Jon Stewart.” -Saudi Prince
“It’s a Jew.” -Jon Stewart
The crowd realizes that Jon Stewart is, in fact, present and judging the Roast Battles tonight. A beautiful chant of “Jews!” ensues, and with a happy exclamation point, not an angry one. With that news, the crowd is eager and excited and the battles get underway.
Up first is Maxi Witrak going up against Drew Landry. After some unremarkable pre-battle banter, Drew volunteers to go first.
“Maxi is obsessed with horses. And she’s just like a horse because she’s high maintenance, smells like shit, and you can only ride her if you’re a rich white guy.”
“Drew, you’re just bitter because only one of us can afford a prostitute. Between the fucking and the payment, you’d have to kill her. Drew cut his hair and shaved tonight so he would look less like Charles Manson for my jokes, which is what Ted Bundy did to avoid getting picked out of the lineup. Drew, you’re the only guy I know who gets a makeover from unfuckable serial killer in to unfuckable serial killer.”
“Is there a mercy rule in this? I just feel bad, the kid from Stranger Things is not doing well.” -Jon Stewart
“Maxi is pretty hot. One time I had a wet dream about her. I realized I was dreaming when I noticed that she was being funny.”
“Well your opinion of me carries a lot of weight, which is good because you can’t. In high school, Drew spent some time in a mental hospital. He wasn’t ill, those were just the only girls that would fuck him.”
“Maxi is also a drummer. Like all drummers, she likes to bang loudly and is easily replaceable. Her music is so bad; halfway through her concert, I forgave R. Kelly.”
“Drew, it hurts to know that you think I’m slutty enough to fuck just anybody. But it must hurt more that I still wouldn’t fuck you. This actually isn’t the first time a woman has tried to destroy. His mom said the first time just didn’t take.”
“I really enjoyed this battle of Stormy Daniels vs. the guy who threatened her in a parking lot.” -Jeff Ross
“Between the guy who looks like the Newtown shooter if he had been taught how to meditate and Kate minus eight, I have to go with Kate minus eight.” -Jena
Drew ended up having a pretty strong battle, getting a huge pop from his R. Kelly joke, but Maxi came out the gates on fire, and hit each time. After Drew’s early misstep, he was not able to make up ground. Maxi takes the judges and audience vote unanimously and gets a win in her first battle.
Up next, we had the battle of Orange County, with Madison Grace taking on Joe Kelvin.
Madison is brought out first and Moses asks her why she’s battling Joe:
“I was really excited to battle Joe because of all my comedy friends whose writing I respect, Joe’s the ugliest.”
This doesn’t get much reaction at first, but the crowd explodes with laughter once he’s brought up.
“On behalf of everyone, Madison, you were right.” – Moses
After Joe learns with certainty how ugly he is, the battle is ready to begin and Madison volunteers to go first.
“Joe got raped by some guy in college. Then he ended up flunking out, just because he couldn’t handle a full load.”
“Thank you Meth Stelling. Madison looks like she does meth on 4/20.”
“Recently, Joe got really into stepmom porn. He likes to watch it and pretend to be a part of his dad’s new family.”
“Madison’s in her early 20s, and she’s dating a bartender who’s 40 years old. She’s the only person I know who’s trying to fuck her way to the bottom.”
“Joe’s just jealous because I still have a daddy. Joe’s eyes are pretty fucked up. Most people have 20/20 vision, but Joe only has eyes for 12-14 year olds.”
“Thank you Rachel McAdams Apple. Madison calls her vagina Madison Square Garden, which is weird because I’ve only heard of open mikers performing in it.”
I can’t believe Joe only knows one person trying to fuck their way to the bottom. Are all your friends well adjusted? Go out and make some friends with flavor. Joe falters early with the Meth Stelling joke, but is able to recover decently, but is trailing Madison until his Rachel McAdams apple comeback sets the room on fire, followed by another big reaction to the joke.
“To see the three eyed fish from the Simpsons evolve before our very eyes. It so beat my expectations” -Jon Stewart
“I feel like these are rescue dogs come to life” -Jeff Ross
“It’s a tough call, I don’t know. Jena what do you think? Jena always votes for the women” -Jeff Ross
“I also vote for rape victims. It was close, but I think Joe won it by a hair, which you can also use to test…” -Jena Friedman
The voting was extremely close, the judges were split and the audience had to be polled twice before narrowly awarding the win to Joe.
Our third battle of the night pit Jake Flores against Sara June. Sara June is brought out first and asked why she’s battling Jake:
“He’s a famous Hispanic socialist. I call him Uggo Chavez.”
Jake comes out next and is asked the same question and has an in kind reply ready to go:
“Sara June is also a socialist. My nickname for her is A.O.C.U.N.T.”
“Ay yo cunt!” – Moses
“I like a guy who opens his Roast Battle with a cunt joke.” -Jeff Ross
The battle is ready to begin, Jake volunteers to go first and Moses leads the audience in a “BUILD THAT WALL!” chant.
“That’s an appropriate chant. Sara is actually bravely fighting against Trump’s border policy by offering asylum to illegal immigrants inside of her vagina and asshole.”
“Jake looks like the frog prince stopped changing halfway through. He’s actually the reason Antifa started wearing masks.”
“Sorry, I’m trying to lose this. I’m afraid if I win, Sara won’t give me a ride home on her magic carpet, and I’ll have to take her camel.”
“Jake is white and Mexican, which means he has a podcast and everyone hates it.”
“Sara is a communist and a whore. Great, I’ve always wanted to stand in line to eat pussy.”
“Jake’s sex life is a lot like his tweets. Every so often, it’s so bad, someone calls the cops on him.”
“It was a tough call between two very accomplished Vice reporters.” – Jena Friedman
“I think definitely good job both of you, except only one of you. I think Dora the Explorer came out strong against end of the movie Scarface… you could cut the sexual tension with something that ruins sexual tension. Truly, I think all of our penises crawled into our bodies during the rap battle.” – Jon Stewart
Jake gets a big reaction with the aforementioned cunt joke, but is unable to get much traction during the actual battle. Sara delivers consistent laughs and wins the judge and audience votes unanimously
Jeff and Jon take a stroll down memory lane, and recount their first meeting when they were both brand new to comedy.
“To work with Jeff back then and so many years ago, and to rise up and find ourselves… here. It’s just heartwarming to know we’ve gone from the Catskills to wherever the fuck we are right now.” – Jon Stewart
Up next, two good ol’ boys down from Louisiana, stopped by to throw some barbs as Bear Badeaux took on Nate Welch. I’m sure that’s a godawful attempt at emulating their dialogue, but goddamn did I love listening to these two battle. I want them to have a conversation by my bedside as I fall asleep every night.
Nate gets brought up first, and maybe a little too eagerly says
“Before we start, just want to say white power.”
Now, he is referencing Brian Moses’s gag to say white power to battlers who look like Nate. It’s met with momentary confusion, then understanding, then laughter.
“You look like you can’t afford power.” – Jeff Ross
Bear comes up in crocs and an argyle sweater. This is pointed out with disgust and he’s asked why he’s battling Nate.
“I’m doing a good deed. Every second he’s on this stage, is time he’s not planning a rally.”
Bear offers to go first and the battle is under way
“Nate, you alt-right Uncle Fester. Nate’s so ugly his iPhone can do facial recognition with his thumb.”
“Right on. Bear’s a waiter, but he don’t wait tables. His old lady’s in a wheelchair, so he just waits for her disability check.”
“A check, something you’ll probably never see. Nate’s a New Orleans saints fan. His favorite thing is yelling ‘who dat’ to anyone who might be his absent father.”
“Yeah, you look like Drew Brees got lyme’s disease. Bear is really only into roll playing… Get it? He’s the mechanic and she’s the caulk”
“Thank you Cold Stone Steve Austin. Nate and I are both from Louisiana but unlike Nate I don’t support cow tipping. Because I don’t believe Nate deserves any money”
“Bear and I are both from Louisiana, we’re both from small towns. And we both lost something in Hurricane Katrina. I lost my house, he lost his (something). He was still into (something something)”
I listened back a bunch and I have no idea what the fuck Nate said in his last joke, but it got a laugh and again I don’t need to know what these guys are saying. I’d listen to them read Hebrew for an hour straight, their voices are magic. This might be coming off as condescending, it’s not, they’re better than me.
“Fantastic. It was the first time I thought, we should’ve just let New Orleans drown.” – Jon Stewart
“It’s really hard to vote for a guy wearing a sweater in 95 degree weather. Your jokes have more holes than your shoes” – Jeff Ross
Anyway, they both had a very strong battle with tons of laughs and Nate walks away with the victory.
The final undercard of the night switched around a couple times day of before it became the battle we got, Jay Light vs. Kelsey Lane. Based on what followed that was likely the best possible result, unless it’s like a butterfly effect and Kelsey battling Jay instead of April or Digits is going to result in my untimely death. If I die in an untimely manner, I retroactively hate this battle.
This battle was set in the early afternoon the very same day. These two had very little time to prepare, but are total pros and hence were trusted with such a task. The battle begins and Kelsey volunteers to go first.
“Jay looks like a camp counselor at a gay conversion camp.”
“What do you think I use these lips for? Come on. Kelsey used to date a homeless guy. It was great for him because her vagina reminded him of his old tent’s flaps. That vagina’s so big they shouldn’t call her Kelsey Lane, they should call her Kelsey Highway.”
“This coming from a guy who would use a TI-84 to figure out how to suck, how to eat pussy.”
“Or suck pussy.” – Moses
The crowd chants “SUCK PUSSY!” for a beat before Kelsey continues.
“Jay is such a little bitch his Y chromosome sits down to pee.”
“Thank you, you New England Pasty Cunt. Kelsey’s not really the relationship type. Having sex with Kelsey is like free-bleeding instead of using a tampon: no strings attached and it’s fucking disgusting.”
“That was a good one, deficient in iron man. Jay was in a fraternity in college. Sorry, fuck, I fucked that one up. Jay date rapes women.”
“This coming from a girl who dresses like a roofer who uses roofies. Kelsey’s parents were abusive alcoholics who were in a band. On the road, they played a little bit of everything, but at home it was nothing but the hits.”
“I never got to see Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, but now I get it.” -Jena Friedman
“I thought you guys did great with the Cameron Crowe cosplay. I do hope you two end up getting together and having genital-less children… best constructed jokes of the night.” -Jon Stewart
“There was times I thought I was back in a strip club in Portland, it was a great battle.” -Saudi Prince
“What does that mean.” -Brian Moses
“It means he’s got a lesbian joke with 72 versions.” – Jay Light
“One of the fiercest silver lake PTA meetings I’ve ever seen.” – Saudi Prince.
Personally, I think free bleeding is beautiful, just like this battle. This was truly a magnificent performance by both. Even if you ignored the time constraints, they both had impressive battles, getting big laughs on all their jokes. The judges are split, and so is audience. It seems unfair to call either a loser after the show they put on, and it results in the rare tie.
Finally, we head on to the main event as Quentin Thomas is set to do battle with Tom Whalen. Tom is brought up first and asked why he’s battling Quentin:
“He’s a great roast battler, and I think it’s a rare occasion to get to battle the world’s tallest little bitch.”
Then Brian Moses brings up Quentin with this hilarious summation:
“This guy’s 6’5″ from Orange County. He’s suicidal. Make it loud for Quentin Thomas!”
He asks Quentin the standard “why do you want to battle” question:
“I figured I’d get a new leather jacket after I slaughter this cow.”
In preparation for one last battle, the crowd does a “Battle!” chant, followed by a “Jews!” chant. The mood is set and we’re ready for a Roast Battle. Quentin volunteers to go first.
“Tom looks like a puffer fish that washed up on the jersey shore”
“Quentin, you look like you’d join a frat just for the spankings.”
“Toms so fat even his hair is salt and peppered”
“That was a great joke. Guys, give it up for Quentin Tears teen holes”
“18 year olds, baby!”
“Seriously though, Quentin’s a creep. Quentin is such a creep his alarm clock is just an amber alert”
“It’s funny that Tom said that because Tom’s the kinda guy who would draw a dick on the passed out girl he just fucked”
“I am an artist. I will say that, I am an artist. Guys, please give it up one more time for Gaybraham Lincoln. That’s a tall drink of seltzer water. Quentin, why do you look like you’d watch gay porn on a calculator?”
“Tom looks like everything happened to him at the wonka factory”
“Thank-you Coward Stern. Quentin, you’re such a little bitch, I don’t think you can get hard unless someone stuffs you in a locker.”
“Tom, why aren’t you laughing at any of these jokes? Here let me speak your language *pig noises*”
“Let me speak your language: ‘Shut the fuck up or I’m going to kill you!’ Guys, the girls that fuck Quentin love him because he’s so tall. But then again, everyone’s tall to an eight year old.”
“It’s nice to see the number 10 out in public.” -Jon Stewart
“Between Hack Black and Tenacious Tree?” -Jena Friedman
“I really loved if Jack Black was the guy who died in Bloodsport” -Saudi Prince
These guys had a stellar battle. They both got big laughs on all their jokes, Quentin’s biggest laugh coming from his hilarious Willy Wonka joke that had the laughter consistently growing as the audience considered each scenario encompassed. Tom got his biggest laugh on the “Let me speak your language” rebuttal, turning the tide on Quentin’s weakest joke. The judges heap praise and after Jeff casts his vote, Quentin gets pronounced the winner. Upon listening back to the judging segment, Jena Friedman voted for Tom and Jeff Ross voted for Quentin. Jon Stewart and Saudi Prince both deliberated and made jokes, but neither issued a vote, resulting in a 1-1 tie in voting. I think they should play roshambo for it. Not the alternative name to rock paper scissors, but how it’s used in South Park, where they take turn kicking each other in the testicles and the first one to fall over loses. It’s really the only fair way to settle this. Until then, and maybe forever (this is the end of my involvement), Quentin is the winner.