Happy Holidays to all our loyal Roast Report readers. We hope you enjoyed your Passover Matzah, Chocolate Easter Bunnies, or 4/20 medicine, whichever your God commands. Unfortunately, there were some technical difficulties, and unlike Jesus Christ, the one true son of God, recordings could not be resurrected and this recap will be lacking in details.
It was an action packed night with all the Roast Battle staples present. Coach Tea has been bathing in adulation since his return to the DJ booth. The Wave was present, the chant master was chanting and four assassins sat at the judge’s table. Jeff Ross, Mike Lawrence, Alex Hooper, and Adam Hunter to ensure the night is constantly entertaining and delightful for everyone.
The first battle of the night is a double virgin sacrifice between Joe Fahey and Lloyd Bear Badeaux. In the preview, I stated that I heard Joe Fahey fucks well, but I was confusing him with another person. I won’t pretend to know what quality pipe Joe Fahey delivers. He does volunteer to go first in the roast battle, which I’d imagine is a sign of a good lay.
Bear is like a set of stairs. They both fuck his disabled wife.
Yes Joe, thank you. My wife is disabled, what’s your excuse? Little facts about Joe. Joe is a football fan, and was also a child star on Broadway. Which makes sense because Joe dips his wings in Neverland Ranch
Bear looks like if Rascal Flatts jerked off on a Joe Dirt 2 DVD.
No, thank-you very much Toddler’s in Tiara’s Tranny Booboo over here. Joe looks like he does tech support for the KKK. Joe was actually fired from Best Buy because he kept telling people to control alt-right delete black people.
Alright, uh Bear and his wife like to role play in the bedroom. She likes to imagine he’s A successful actor. He likes to imagine that she’s definitely healthy and not dying soon.
It’s very true, my wife did try to kill herself. It was right after Joe’s Flapper’s set. Joe, uh…
Go ahead, Bon Jovi with AIDS.
Speaking of AIDS, Joe didn’t grow up with a silver spoon in his mouth because his stepdad was using them for heroin.
Bear answers the question of, what if Ryan Seacrest was even less talented? – Mike Lawrence
Bear, it looks like you put on every item of clothing individually without looking at the next piece, none of those things go together at all. – Alex Hooper
I love that you’re the one telling me about clothing, I’ve seen you on America’s Got Talent. – Bear
And I looked fabulous. – Alex
Bear, what happened is your wife ok? -Jeff Ross
I’m not dead yet! – Bear’s wife
It’s a close battle, the judges split the joke and it takes two audience polls to crown Bear the victor, primarily due to his dying wife. May she rest in peace.
The next battle had Cole Alexander going toe to toe with Kaitlyn Jeffers. These two were a last minute replacement and had one day’s notice to write jokes about one another. So, no matter what, good for them. Kaitlyn volunteers to go first and the battle begins.
Cole’s excited to be at Roast Battle, LA’s safe space for white nationalists.
Thanks Sacga-Weight Watchers, even Lewis and Clark wouldn’t fuck you. Kaitlyn used to be a cam girl but she stopped when they came out with high definition.
Cole’s spirit animal is a man beating his family in the parking lot of a NASCAR race.
Thanks, Dances With Acne. Kaitlyn hasn’t touched alcohol in over a decade and no one has wanted to touch her in over 3.
Cole doesn’t use condoms anymore ‘cuz all the women he fucks have latex vaginas.
You don’t have to bring trans women into this just because you’re jealous that guys actually wanna fuck them After guys have sex with Kaitlyn they don’t call it a walk of shame, they call it the trail of tears.
This was a fun battle, with solid output based on the circumstances. Cole’s first joke was a doozy especially since we all know that Meriwether Lewis would fuck almost anyone. But it’s not enough to secure the victory as Kaitlyn walks away victorious.
Our third battle of the night is a heavyweight brawl between Robyn Blake and Digits. Robyn volunteers to go first.
Digits and I are both having an identity crisis. I’m a woman who thinks she’s a man. He’s a bad rapper who thinks he’s good at comedy.
Thank you RuPaul Reubens. Robyn is an actress, she’s been acting like a man her whole life. Right?
Right. Thank you Section 8 Mile. Digits, Digits, Digits, you look stressed out. You look like Pitbull if he got left in a hot car too long.
Thank you little orphan tranny. Robyn’s best friend is a cat named Richard which is ironic cause her pussy is also a dick.
Yeah, you know you want to suck it. Listen, I think The MS in MS-13 must stand for multiple sclerosis. Because Digits raps like he’s handicapped and he roasts like he’s retarded.
How the fuck is your name Robyn, when you got batman’s body? Robyn looks like a little boy. That’s why her jokes never-land. Michael Jackson, fool.
Digits! – Jeremiah
This was fun, it was like illegal alien vs Ripley from Alien. I think after this battle, Digits will transition into a comedian – Mike Lawrence
Yeah, you too – Digits
Digits! – Jeremiah
This was a very fun battle, with Digits’ batman joke getting one of the biggest pops of the night. Robyn was consistent and got big laughs on all her jokes. Both had very strong showings, and are on the upswing, Robyn wins it decisively.
The next battle features the hilarious opposing styles of William Montgomery and Handren Seavey. In the preview I said William had won one battle and lost one. One of his fans messaged me to let me know that William had in fact won both his battles, and he would kill everyone I love unless I printed a retraction. Little did he know, I love no one so that I cannot be hurt. Nevertheless, I am willing to admit when I am wrong, and William Montgomery was 2-0 going into this battle. I was correct when I suggested that Handren had not battled. William volunteers to go first.
Handren’s real first name is Jordan, which means he changed his name from one that’s unisex to one that gets no sex
He is a fat redhead from Tennessee, he’s like if a cross burning were a person.
Handren’s so poor he went from being homeschooled to making a school bus his home. His comedy career has a lower ceiling than the vacant bus he lives in
I don’t know if he is a school shooter or a pedophile but either way he loves holes in kids.
Handren, I was sorry to hear that your grandfather was killed by Nazis when he was just 17, because, just by looking at you, I can tell they raped him, too
In high school he was voted most likely to become an abusive stepfather and I don’t know if he’ll ever have kids but those kids will never have a father.
It’s funny that you look like a rabbi, because you’re future in Comedy can be summed up in one word—Passover
This was a very entertaining battle, with both having strong moments and something about a knife. We hope to see both of them back to battle very soon. Handren wins his first battle, and William got that loss I was talking about in the preview, my people run the media.
Our main event showcased two of Roast Battlers most prominent talents as Ashley Johnson takes on Quentin Thomas. Both battlers are focused, but loose, Ashley volunteers to go first.
You look like the man Rachel Maddow pretends to be every night.
Ashley looks like a mall Santa in the off season.
Quentin tried to kill himself five times. That’s once for every time his parents threatened to take away his allowance.
Ashley’s a fan of old school hip hop. His favorite group is the High Blood Sugarhill Gang.
You look like your parents named their yacht the Amistad.
Ashley used to work at a strip club. And unlike Ashley those women get paid to be on stage.
Quentin once jumped out of a two story window. But that’s only because the girl he was fucking woke up.
Ashley recently got fired and evicted. He was excited they gave him a box to clean out his stuff cause it doubled as his new home.
Quentin has prescriptions for Prozac, Lexapro and Ambien. And those are just the pills he gives his girlfriend to fuck him.
When Ashley dies McDonald’s is going to hang their flags at half mast.
Wow! Now that was a great battle! There wasn’t a miss between them, in an electric well contested battle. Quentin’s last joke gets a big pop, but Ashley’s jokes each set the room ablaze. We’re sure to see more of both these tremendous battlers, but tonight belonged to Ashley.
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