by Richie Gaines, photos by Troy Conrad

It is an eclectic night of battles, ranging from never done
this before to rising stars. The entire front row of the VIP gets filled to the
brim with headliners. With the anticipation of some highlighted battles toward
the end, including Albert Escobedo’s perfect record on
the line, the night kicks off with a virgin suicide. After some quick crowd
warm-up Brian Moses calls Branden Kfoury and Corbin Wilson to the stage. They
both have bright eyes and big smiles, like a boat pulling up to Elis island
before people start hurling racial slurs at them. Corbin kicks it off:

“Branden Kfoury looks like he gets all his clothes from
Ross…the character on FRIENDS.”

“Corbin looks like his ancestors came over on the Mayflower
and landed on Plymouth Cock.”

“Branden use to work in
finance, doesn’t he look like he can do your taxes and your taxidermy?”

“Corbin doesn’t know his real dad…just a lot of guys he
calls daddy.”

“Branden played baseball growing up, he doesn’t coach
little league but he still helps kids get to third base.”

This last joke of Corbin’s hits, but that was about the
only joke to land for either of them. They have never done this before and for
some it takes a couple times to get the lay of the land. These guys were happy
and excited. What more could you ask for? Jokes? NO! Not yet. That’s later in
the night. Now all the judges have arrived. The firing squad is very big
tonight. We have Dan Soder, Ari Shaffir, Jeff Ross, Frank Castillo, Leah Kayajanian,
Tony Hinchecliffe, Andy Haynes, and Nick Youseff. With all these comedy minds
here, the energy somehow manages to down-shift when Daniel Moquin and Danny Williams take the stage.

“School shooter vs. drive-by shooter.” – Jeff Ross

Normally these two are known for their drunken antics, but
them seemed hung-over for this one as Daniel begins. 

“Well, uh, you know the old saying ‘black don’t crack,’
right? You guys know what I’m saying? Between Danny’s eyes, just awfully scarred
face, he’s here to tell you black doesn’t crack, but it sure can be chewed up
and spit out.”

“I thought we were friends? Nah, I like Daniel, but Daniel
straight up looks like the molestation doll at your therapists office.”

“Hey, uh, Whoopi Old-turd, the Baja Men called. They were
wondering when they were going to get the dogs back?”

“Daniel hosts an open mic called ‘Boys Club’ every week. He
gets pissed off grown men show up.”

“Danny’s a guy that likes to defy racial stereotypes. You
wouldn’t believe it, but the cops love Danny, because after they kill him, they
get to flip him over and mop up the blood.”

“Daniel used to be a camera man for the T.V. show Cops. And he got mad when he found out
he wasn’t actually shooting black people.”

There’s not much to say about this battle. It was an
undercard of two generally funny guys who have never done this before, and so
far their style isn’t really transferring to the Roast Battle stage. 

“They look like they’re about to present a case to Judge
Judy.” – Leah Kayajanian

“Both these guys look like they try to teach guitar off the
internet.” – Dan Soder

If they decide to do it again, they may have better idea of
what plays in the room. Danny takes the win and we swiftly move on to Chris
Cope and Silvia Saige.

“Does it bother you that you’re the porn star, but he has
bigger tits?” – Jeff Ross

Jeff throws that gem in there right as they take the stage.
If you don’t know, Silvia is a porn star. She asked Chris to battle. Brian
questions Chris’ reasoning for doing this because of where he is in his career
and where Silvia is in hers. Chris is a good dude that just wants to have fun
and to give Roast Battle a shot. Silvia starts:

“Chris is an amazing man. Too bad he suffers from R.F.F. –
resting fat face.”

“I am glad you do porn on
top of doing comedy. That way when you’re ready for your special, you can film it
in your pussy.” 

“Chris had two houses burn
down on him. Meaning Chris has burnt more houses than he has comedy.”

“First time I watch Silvia in a porn I didn’t realize it
was her. I thought it was a toucan getting a facial.”

“If you google ‘Chris Cope’ a very attractive and fit man
will come up. He’s actually a mixed martial artist with a record of 8-4. But
next to that is our Chris Cope, who ate for four.

“You have cleavage, but there’s so much space between your
tits you could have handicapped parking. You could fit a SmartCar between your
titties.”

This is a fun and close battle. Chris is more poised on
stage, mainly due to experience, but Silvia has good jokes.

“I hope you fuck as good as you write so this clown has
something to masturbate to later.” – Leah Kayajanian 

Both these battlers obviously had fun and put up a good
fight. The audience can’t decide on whom they want to see win. One more joke is
suggested, but due to the volume of battles tonight, that idea is shut down. This
battle ends in a rare draw and we move on to Eric Abbenante and Victor
Martinez. Brian mentions that Eric is a rising star in Roast Battle and Jeff is
not feeling it. He questions Eric’s status. Jeff sets a tone that Eric has something
to prove in this battle.

“Victor’s newborn child is in the top 2% in size because
both of his parents have time to breastfeed.”

“When a Jew dies you’re supposed to sit shiva. not to be
confused with sitting alone shivering like Eric when he dies on stage.”

“Victor claims he worked at Dominos but he just drove so
many pizzas home they gave him the uniform.”

“Nice joke, Queefin’ Spielberg. Eric’s my son’s godfather
but he keeps asking me to circumcise my kid. typical Jew always trying to take
a piece.”

“Victor’s son is named “River Sky” because they wanted to
name him after two objects smaller than Victor.”

“Eric’s last girlfriend left him her stripper pole He
could’ve been tossed in singles now he’s just single.”

The judges lean toward Eric.

“I don’t know what gender either of them are, but the more
masculine one… the smaller one, yeah Eric. Your transition looks great!” – Andy
Haynes

“This looks like two former Mighty Ducks.” – Dan Soder 

After having some fun with these guys, because they are an
odd looking pair, the crowd votes. For a moment it seems like the crowd is
leaning Victor and Brian reminds them that pretty much every judge went with
Eric. They vote again and Eric takes the win. The two of them hug and Juan and
Ezekiel are up. 

“First of all, if you’re here, I want to know who’s cleaning
my house and doing the landscaping?” – Saudi Prince 

Tonight the newbies seem to have more confidence than the
guys with experience. Ezekiel looks somewhat loose and happy, while Juan seems
a little distracted and tense.

“Juan Cias used to work at Pizza Hut before he was a
mortician. Which is still a job where gets away with sticking his
dick on everything before he puts it in the oven.”

“You’d never know by looking at him, but Ezekiel goes out with a lot of beautiful women. But he’s been parked in the friend zone for so long, his car’s been towed.”

 “Juan’s mother is drug addict who
he hasn’t seen in 12 years. But who knows, maybe she’ll come into his work
after the overdose.”

“Ezekiel once flaked on a battle to go watch his nephew being
born. But he stayed true to his comedy and fucked up the delivery.”

 “Juan Cias. He started his career in comedy for the same reason he dated
an underage girl. He likes the taste of underdeveloped material in his
mouth.”

“Ezekiel has eaten more dicks on stage then a rabbi
performing circumcisions.” 

Nobody has much to say about this battle.  Everybody seems to be on Ezekiel’s
side. Ezekiel takes the win on this one, ending Juan’s mini streak putting him
at two wins, one loss. 

Then there is an energy shift in the room when Joe Eurell
and Haiti take the stage. Haiti has a hilarious intro where he rolls up in a wheelchair as well. The excitement is palpable. With Joe and Haiti, people know it’s about to go down. Haiti goes
first.

“I have the best body in comedy. Joe has the worst body in
comedy. This is like Superman versus Christopher Reeve.”

“Haiti’s an obedient Catholic. Despite being homophobic, he
still sends dick pics to his priest.” 

“If you say that again, I’ll push you into traffic… Joe shops
at Whole Foods, but his parents wish that they could trade a Joe.”

“For a bodybuilder, Haiti looks like he skips leg day more
than I do.”

After this joke the room explodes. Haiti had a big pop after
his first joke, and had the upper hand until Joe says this leg day joke.

“Joe, you look like a premature Transformer, your legs…

Haiti stumbles here. The crowd goes wild. It’s almost like
an 8 Mile moment were someone missed
their cue to yell out “he’s chokinnnnn!” Haiti recoups… 

“…your legs look like overcooked ramen noodles, and your
Uber is an ambulance.”

It is intense right now as Joe goes into his last joke.
Haiti is having fun as he even throws in a joke acknowledging how much the
energy has shifted in Joe’s direction. Before Joe says his last joke:

“Please bomb.” – Haiti

“Haiti thinks he’s better than me because he can walk, but I
have a master’s degree and his master didn’t teach him to read.”

Joe does not bomb. Everyone is really feeling it right now.
Before really even getting into the judging the crowd is looking for another
joke from these two. They truly killed it. Even though everyone is leaning Joe,
Haiti put on his most impressive performance to date and we want to see if maybe he has something stashed in his
dreads that could win him the battle back. We go into overtime:

“For 24 years straight, Joe holds the Guinness World Record
for holding up the longest gang sign ever.” 

“Haiti only dislikes my crippled hand because it reminds
him of his country’s economy.” 

Unfortunately this gang sign joke was not strong enough to
trump the clout Joe earned from his leg day joke. That is one of the most
powerful shifts we’ve seen in the Belly Room. Haiti is great, but Joe is undeniable.

“This reminds me of the early days of Roast Battle…these guys are fuckin’ hungry right now.” – Jeff Ross

Jeff double checks that Haiti is having fun. He hates to
lose, but I believe he still is. Everything from the judges is very
complimentary, as it should be. Joe is has evolved in each one of his battles,
but in this one he really set a new bar for himself. If he keeps progress he
could be a shoo-in for Greg Roque’s handicap spot on the T.V. show. As we move
into the main event and Omid Singh and Albert Escobedo take the stage, there is
another energy shift.

“I’m excited for this battle, I’m looking at the stage and
it looks like the stages of chemotherapy.”  – Saudi Prince

The Saudi Prince does a good job of keeping the energy high
with this joke, but it seems like even though Albert and Omid are ready and
comfortable, they are not going to be able to ride the energy of Joe and
Haiti’s killer battle. 

“Interesting fact, Omid recently went to Ancestry.com…turns out he’s 48% hair.” 

“Albert works with animals… because they’re easier to
fuck.”

“Yeah, I work with animals…but this is the closest I’ve
been to a slumdog.”

“Albert looks like the last day laborer. If he was a day
laborer, I’d hire him to kill himself.”

“After his parents’ divorce, Omid didn’t see much of his
mother because she was forced to get a hijab.”

“My mother actually left Iran, because she protested
against wearing the hijab. Albert looks like Vin Unleaded starring in The Bland and Ambiguous.”

“I don’t know how Omid got in a movie; his headshots look
like they were taken by Seal Team 6.” 

“The only thing you’ve been in is handcuffs. Albert lives in Indiana where he’s the only Mexican comic
and he’s still not the funniest Mexican comic.”

“Omid looks Sunni but smells like Shiite.”

“Albert looks like after all his jokes he should be saying
‘RADIERSSSSS.”

This was a solid battle, but the preconceived notion that
Omid and Albert would not live up to Joe and Haiti rings true. Their battle is
simply underwhelming, yet solid. 

“I want to thank all the battlers from taking time away
from battling the travel ban to be here.” – Saudi Prince

Saudi jumps in with another zinger as we move to the
judge’s table. It seems like even though there are ninety judges that could
have something funny to say, the night is coming to a close. They vote in favor
of Omid ending Albert’s perfect record. To the people who keep up with the show
this is a big deal, but the end of Albert’s streak is not intriguing enough to
a live audience that doesn’t necessarily keep up with the show on the at level.
It was a great night of battle, congratulations to Joe, I’m gay, see you next
time!

Follow @RoastBattle on Twitter for all the latest updates, check out our Instagram and Facebook pages for the latest pictures from the impeccable Troy Conrad, and watch live on Periscope at 11 PM PST every Tuesday if you can’t catch the verbal violence in person. Thank you for reading, and thanks as always to our sponsor SpeedWeed.

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