The audience is stiff, perhaps from the heat, but more likely because it’s a room full of dental school students whose minds are undoubtedly focused on a lifetime of sticking their hands in other people’s mouths. The judges take their seats, we have a full VIP section with Rick Glassman, Bill Lawrence, Tony Hinchcliffe, Jeff Ross, Ian Edwards and Yamaneika Saunders. There’s a noticeable absence in the room as Coach T has taken a much deserved day off.
First up is the virgin suicide between Streater Kelley and Robert Schultz. Streater comes to the stage first, followed quickly by Robert Schultz. The lack of excitement in the room is shared by the judges upon first seeing the two battlers take the stage. Tony makes the hilarious observation that this battle looks like it’s between a guy with eyes too far apart and a guy with eyes too close together, he remarks about Robert that he must “see in panorama,” which finally loosens the audience up and draws an applause break. Robert volunteers to go first.
“Streater worked for Fox News before coming out of the closet. Now he only leans to the right to suck off the guy next to him.”
“Oh Robert, you doo-wop bitch. Robert looks like he has a craft beer he just has to tell you about.”
“Streater is a terrible comedian which is for the best cuz when guys like him kill it’s usually everyone at their high school.”
“How many years did it take you to sound masculine? Robert got an amazon echo so someone would finally listen to his boring stories.”
“Streater, I wanna make fun of you for being creepy but the truth is that creeping on some toddler is really closest you’ll ever get to a tight five.”
“That big mouth comes in Streater cock size. Robert’s a catholic… sorry messed that up… Robert’s a faggot.”
Robert’s first joke falls pretty flat, and Streater gains early momentum with his hilarious “doo-wop” quip, followed by the craft beer joke. Robert continues to lose favor with a generic “school shooter” joke. We’ve heard every version of a school shooter joke in this room, so it has to be groundbreaking to hit. Not to mention the fact that the judges already lobbed an easy one at Streater before the match began. Streater’s “Amazon Echo joke” doesn’t hit, and the whole battle is quickly losing steam. Robert gets a cheap laugh with the pedophile joke, again, it’s one we’ve heard time and time again. (If you’re going to step into the battle ring, do some research people, make sure the joke you wrote hasn’t been told a hundred times before.) Streater’s last joke is cute, but he hasn’t won the audience over enough to go with the non-joke joke style that masters like Dan Nolan have made work. The judges weigh in, voting mostly that it was a terrible battle, and the real loser was the crowd. The audience barely votes and Streater Kelley is the winner.
Chantmaster Josh tries desperately to get the crowd going again after that disaster, and we’re ready for the next battle featuring Kelsey Lane versus virgin Jay Singh, who brought the entire crowd with him. After the judges make fun of Jay for wearing his dental school scrubs on stage, Kelsey volunteers to go first.
“Jay is from Las Vegas. You know what they say: What happens in Vegas, ITS STILL YOUR FAULT YOUR MOMS DEAD.”
“Kelsey said her favorite porn category is BBC, but her favorite dick flavor is about to be curry flavored after I lay this roast on her.”
“Jay is so brown and toxic, Demi Lovato just shot him up and overdosed.”
“Kelsey is bisexual and she always wears these damn flannels, so she looks like a lumberjack who doesn’t know how to handle wood.”
“Ya, I came out of the closet, you’re still in the cupboard. When I miss my mom, I call her and hear her voice. When jay misses his mom, he calls tech support to hear a voice that sounds like his moms.”
“You know guys this is my first roast battle, and I had a really hard time writing jokes about Kelsey, because us Indiands like to worship our farm animals.”
Kelsey’s first joke misses. The crowd is not on board with dead mom jokes, and neither is Rick Glassman, who votes for Jay because he feels bad for him. Jay’s first “joke” is horrible, it’s not even a joke, it’s barely an introduction statement, but since the crowd is 80% his friends, it hits, although it should be pointed out that the VIP section is completely silent, aside from a few audible groans. Kelsey’s next joke is great, short, mean and topical, everything you want from a roast joke, but the audience will not give her anything. The roastmaster himself remarks it’s the best joke he’s heard her tell, and that if she continues to write jokes like that, she’ll be unbeatable, he compliments her demeanor saying it’s perfect for the roast battle stage. The only joke Jay had was the “worshipping farm animals,” which was good, but not enough to earn him the “W” he got. During the judges’ deliberation, Kelsey offers a few off-the-cuff remarks that may have lost her some favor, but overall, she was doomed from the beginning since the audience votes. Jay Singh wins, but if he wants to continue to battle, he’d better work on the joke writing instead of bringing the audience.
The last undercard is Paul Elia vs Guam Felix, everyone is foaming at the mouth for a good battle. Unfortunately, this is not going to be it. Guam volunteers to go first.
“Paul got kicked out of the University of Iraq because he got caught date raping the sheep.”
“Guam and his titties have one thing in common, they both bounce at the Comedy Store.”
“Paul looks like a middle school teacher that would adopt a baby just so he could fuck the babysitter.”
“I think this battle would go a lot better if there was a circle around us and you were trying to push me out of it. Guam doesn’t drive a car, which is ironic because he looks like E. Honda.”
“When Paul gets homesick he goes to the gym and he cooks bread in the sauna.”
“Guam ran his girlfriend off the road and went to jail for 7 months. We now know what he’d do for a Klondike bar.”
Wow. I don’t even have words for how big of a disaster this battle was. I said in the pre-battle write-up that Guam is a hit or miss battler, either hitting it out of the park, or failing spectacularly. This was a spectacular failure. Paul had the only real hits, with the sumo comeback and the Klondike bar. Paul Elia wins.
The first main event is Zach Stein vs. Movses Shakarian. Hoping to turn the energy around, Zach volunteers to go first.
“Movses got married recently, just not in the eyes of God.”
“Thank you Hannah Fagsby. Zach likes his women like he likes he surrogate mother, paid for in advance and filled with his father’s cum.”
“Sure, I enjoy having sex with a hot 21-year-old, that I could never get without the money… that was an excerpt from Movses’s wedding vows.”
“Zach let a gay comic suck his dick, and by that I mean, Zach can suck his own dick.”
“I’ve only heard of two Armenian lawyers; Movses and Robert Kardashian, and both can get a black guy off.”
“Zach your voice sounds like it took Nyquil 45 mins ago.”
“What self-respecting gay man dresses like this? You look like your closet is in the closet.”
“Zach you morally inept fuck boy, you look like you try too hard to put the sensual in consensual.”
“Movses had a syphilis scare when he got misdiagnosed, and a gonorrhea scare when he got gonorrhea. And a second gonorrhea scare when he got second gonorrhea.”
“Thank you school shooter with zero follow through. Zach’s dick is like the Titanic, historically huge, full of sunken dreams, and a lot of poor people went down on it.”
Zach’s first joke is great and earns him an early lead. Movses comes back with the Hannah Fagsby retort, but the following joke doesn’t hit. Zach’s almost-comeback misses the mark, as he made the classic mistake of having a comeback to something that wasn’t brought up yet. Overall, it was a fine battle, Zach seemed a little off his game, perhaps from the Vicodin he’s still taking for his not-broken-any-more foot. Movses’s Titanic joke was his best of the round, and enough for him to win the round.
The final battle is between all-stars Omid Singh and Joe Eurell. FINALLY, a battle we know will be great, but they definitely have their work cut out for them, as the audience is exhausted after a night of underwhelming battles. Omid goes first.
“Joe was adopted at the age of 12, he was still considered a baby because he couldn’t walk.”
“Thank you Maz Jabroni. Omid does the road a lot, mainly cause he’s on a no-fly list.”
“Joe looks like he’s constantly taking a hadouken to the chest.”
“Omid is the Hindi translation of ‘7 minutes of ethnic material.’”
“Joe looks like professor Exavier started a community college.”
“I do have better hair.”
“The same amount of legs.”
“Omid looks like every employee that won’t open the door for me at 7-Eleven.”
“Joe you sound like Fat Albert taking through a whole in his trachea.”
“I won’t deny that. Speaking of dated references, you look like somebody outsourced Steve Urkel.”
“Joe looks like the high school kid the football team rallies behind before the season.”
“Some people call me a Make-A-Wish comedian. Omid looks like he’ll grant me two if I use my third to help him escape the lamp.”
Now that’s a battle. Both of these men show us why they are legends in the roast arena. Omid’s simple jokes don’t hit as hard tonight, prompting the roastmaster to challenge him to write a little more twists next time, stating that his jokes were too close to facts, instead of jokes, despite the favorable reaction from the audience. Joe proves again why he’s a fan favorite, and he’s truly on a roll lately. In a fantastic battle, Joe is the winner, with every one of his jokes hitting.
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