The Belly Room is as hot and packed as it ever was even back in it’s pre-TV, pre-Fire Marshal, pre-patio shooting heyday as first-timer Joe Kwaczala takes on the undefeated Steph Tolev. He is volunteered to draw first blood.
I gotta say, before the show it was nice to see Steph around here talking to people, mingling. Because usually when Steph interacts with people she’s asking them to solve a riddle to cross a bridge.
As the jab falls a little flat, Jamar Neighbors interjects:
He called you Rumplestiltskin!
Steph Tolev comes in to take her first swing.
Joe Kwaczala needs a booster seat to eat pussy.
The simplicity of the joke packs a powerful punch against Joe’s more rambling setup. He continues.
I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with Steph’s look. She’s got thick eyebrows, a big nose, she carries all her weight on her shoulders… She looks like the Despicable Me guy in drag.
This bass playing dwarf has the face of a pedophile and the body of a kid he wants to touch.
If you’re trying to figure out what’s going on with Steph’s ethnicity, she’s actually from Bulgaria. Which makes a lot of sense, because if you look at her crotch, you’ll see a bulge-area.
My clit is probably bigger than Joe’s dick.
The room erupts at the rebuttal and the battle is all but won by Steph Tolev as she glides into her final line.
This walking Pez dispenser is the kind of guy who carries around a condom with him in case one of his friends with a regular sized dick needs one.
With that, the first victory of the evening is awarded handily to Steph Tolev.
Joe Gangemi is brought to the stage bringing with him the title of Phoenix’s three-time Snap Battle champion. Brett Erickson follows and is having none of it.
I just met Joe up there. It’s very impressive…he won a thing in Phoenix…
Brett’s standup chops always prove extremely valuable in setting the tone in his pre-bell banter and he’s able to immediately deflate his opponent’s accolades. Brett volunteers the out-of-towner to go first.
Brett Erickson took drugs every day, which is why he took his kids every other weekend.
Joe Gangemi is disgusting. He eats pizza the same way he eats pussy: crust first.
Brett, your smile reminds me of the barbecue I left out in the rain. Cuz the grill is fucked.
Joe hangs in there with some middle of the road zings, but Brett Erickson still dominates the energy of the back and forth.
When Joe goes on the road, his wife doesn’t want to get lonely, so she takes a great big giant fat pillow, puts it on the bed, and then fucks other guys.
At age 50, Brett’s seen the comedy game change a few times while picking up his girlfriend from work.
You may know Joe from his signature line of jokes, ‘You might be a fatneck if.’ He’s on the Burst Collar comedy tour.
Originally slated for only three jokes, neither battler is ready to call it quits yet, and Joe Gangemi fires another shot as Moses takes to the stage before stepping back and letting them do their thing.
Brett’s got a lot of tattoos. Gee, I hope one says “do not resuscitate.”
Brett Erickson does not give a fuck and has plenty more in him to keep going.
Joe, you look like you have three ‘I shit my pants stories.’
Hey Brett, nice belt. i hope you don’t accidentally hang yourself masturbating.
Joe, you look like you eat at Walmart, too.
The Walmart line crushes in what is effectively double-OT, and Brett Erickson is awarded a solid win bringing him to highly respectable 6-0.
Jeanne Whitney arrives first for the stage with nothing but nice things to say about her opponent Danielle Perez. Moses calls Danielle to the stage with some assistance and Tony Hinchcliffe calls attention to the evening’s surprise celebrity guest.
Hugh Jackman must think this is Professor X’s granddaughter.
The room explodes and the energy continues as the Saudi Prince upstages the Greatest Showman himself with his entrance.
How did Queen No-feet-a do? She looks like she’s already been defeated.
The bell rings and Jeanne Whitney starts things off.
Danielle is half black and half a person.
Jeanne, what the fuck is happening to your face. It looks like you’re having an allergic reaction. Moses, is this what happens when you put gluten on your dick?
Danielle lost her feet when she got run over by a train in the Bay Area. I’d rather get fucked by a back guy then fucked by the entire city of San Francisco.
Jeanne is from Indiana. I’m not sure what their biggest export is, but judging by Jeanne, I’m gonna have to say ‘cunts.’
Danielle says she can’t use prosthetic legs because they hurt too much. Plus she’d have to walk somewhere.
Jeanne’s dad left her his Porsche when he died. Which was a really sweet way of letting everyone know he fucked her.
Danielle lands what is definitely the strongest punch of the night, but Jeanne fires right back.
If Kanye met Danielle, he’d probably agree that the chair is a choice.
The reaction is right on par with Danielle’s previous joke and it’s still far from over.
Oh, Jeanne, just your typical white woman. Calling the cops on black people and calling black people over to fuck her.
Danielle’s fourth joke feels a little out of place and it’s her first whiff of the night, putting the momentum back in Jeanne’s corner coming into the final exchange.
Thank you, Lieutenant Dan-ielle. Danielle is a BBW. A big, beautiful wheelchair.
Jeanne, I think it’s really brave of you to come up here and confront things that are hard to see. Like your face in that mirror.
The crowd reaction is still heavily favored toward Jeanne as both battlers fire off their fifth of five scheduled jokes, but as Moses calls ‘last joke,’ Jeanne doesn’t hesitate and takes one more shot.
Danielle, you look like 3/5ths of a poop emoji.
Jeanne’s 6th joke crushes as Danielle is thumbing through her phone to try and find another line. There’s an awkward extended deliberation over ho many jokes have been told but she ultimately opts to shoot one last shot despite not really having many leftovers.
Jeanne, it looks like you tried to blow a blowfish…
The line tanks hard especially contrasted against Jeanne’s 6th joke, and despite the odd miscalculation, the battle was more or less Jeanne’s by the end of the scheduled jokes, or at best would have gone to overtime and ended just the same. With that Jeanne Whitney takes another win in what she swears is her first and last battle back before retirement, but only time will tell. Roast Battle is back next week for one last live show before a two-week break to tape for TV, and until then, let’s keep on roasting.
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