It’s the Tuesday after Valentine’s Day, and the smells of romance and heartbreak are both in the air, wafting around, mixing together, making fucked up smells no one knew existed. And of course, there’s a bunch of people who have never experienced romance or love, and thus have never experienced heartbreak, and those sad pathetic losers will be roasting each other for the normal people’s entertainment.
Brian Moses is there to referee, he probably had sex recently. The chant master, Joshua Meyrowitz is there to get everyone pumped up. Judging the night’s battles are Omid Singh, Nicole Becannon, and the Roast master himself, Jeff Ross, along with the one man wave, Jamar Neighbors. Coach Tea’s absence is noticed and he is commemorated as if dead. He’s not.
Our first battle of the night has Ezekiel Echevarria going up against Esmarelda Villalobos.
Esmarelda is brought up first and asked why she’s battling Ezekiel.
“He’s a dumb stupid bitch!” – Esmarelda
Concise and brash, Esmarelda gets a pop early. Ezekiel is brought up next, the battle begins and Ezekiel volunteers to go first.
“Esmarelda’s a big movie fan, literally. She loves going to the movies, but she hates paying for two seats.”
“I’m fat. Zeke, the only thing you walk, is an audience. Zeke, that beard is so shitty, it looks like someone ripped the hair out of your asshole and super glued it to the lower half of your dumbass Mr. Potato head face.”
“Esmarelda’s set is a lot like a Quentin Tarantino movie. It’s a lot like a Quentin Tarantino movie; it’s loud, it’s obnoxious, it goes on forever, and you just wish it’s going to end soon.”
“Nobody wishes that” -Joshua Meyrowitz
“Thank you Guillermo Del Taco.”
“No Problem, Fat Kinison.”
“Guys, it’s a good think Jeff Ross isn’t a casting agent because the only roll Zeke can get is in a live action remake of Hungry Hungry Hippos.”
“Esmarelda has a fetish for men in prison. She’s fucked more incarcerated guys than the 13th Amendment.”
“Guys, this dumbass wants to be a famous film director, which makes sense because he looks like Orson Welles raped his way out of a gas station dollar enchilada.”
“I liked both of them, I feel like both of you are going to get stabbed at a raiders game. I’m going to give it to the fat one closer to me (Esmarelda)” -Omid
“You’re both so young, look what Trump has done to Mexicans. She’s gray, he’s balding.” -Nicole
“I almost wished I could hear a little more, but then I realized it’s six battles, so fuck it. I’ll let the audience decide.” -Jeff
They both get praise from the judges for putting on a strong first battle, with Esmarelda being the clear start of the contest and she takes the vote from the judges and audience en route to her first roast battle victory.
Up next, Lindsay Glazer goes up against Billy Anderson.
They’re both brought up, there’s some light ribbing and we’re ready for action.
“It’s one round, three jokes, who’s going first?” -Moses
“I am, Billy’s already paid me for the hour.” -Lindsay
Lindsay did just call herself a whore, but it gets a laugh and we’re ready to roast!
“They say that gingers have no soul. That’s not true, right before the show, I saw Billy suck one out of a homeless teenage runaway.”
“I just can’t believe Alanis Morrisette’s failed bitchier clone is talking about how I look. Scottie Pippen is suing her for ruining his rental home, proving that even as a lawyer, she can ruin a black family’s house without even trying.”
“Interesting commentary coming from gay Chucky. I really loved you in Child’s Ass Play 3.”
“The only thing lower than that was the tip of your nose”
There’s initially a tepid reply that grows into a monstrous roar of laughter as the crowd observes that the tip of Lindsay’s nose is low.
“Are you guys kidding? You’re trying to hurt each other’s feelings.” -Jeff
“Billy lost over a hundred pounds and he said the worst part about losing a lot of weight was all the excess skin. I’d think it would be finding out that that’s not why women weren’t fucking you. There’s no weight watchers for a garbage dick.”
The crowd chants “garbage dick!”
“Lindsay actually has a six year old. I’m sorry, I misspoke. She’s six and old.”
“That’s cute coming from a guy who’s porn search terms are south of basement.”
“Coming from the unenthusiastic hand job personified.”
“Billy’s roommate called him a troll then killed herself, jumped off a bridge. She jumped off the same bridge that he tells riddles under.”
“She killed herself in our apartment, still left our home in better condition than Lindsay left Scottie Pippen’s”
“My final joke is: She’s a lawyer, she actually specializes in defending victims of black barbecues.”
“Billy, that looks like that’s your second prettiest beard.”
“When you say paid you for the hour, do you mean as a lawyer or discount prostitute? Did he cheat on you? What is going on? I like your leggings and your boots.” – Nicole Becannon
“Are you afraid of her? What’s happening right now?” – Moses
“Let’s make out” – Lindsay
“Do you want to make out? I’ll make out.” – Nicole Becannon
Did this make a lot of sense? No. But there were enough men in the audience, that that didn’t really matter and the two women play tonsil hockey to loud approval.
“You guys talk at a pitch that I couldn’t really understand a word either of you are saying. Just sounds like you’re yelling for a manager because there’s onions in your salsa.” -Omid
“I really did admire roasting bitch face, but Billy edged it out.” -Jeff
Billy takes the judge and audience votes, and seals another victory in a very impressive resume.
“Moses, if these battles don’t get better, I’m going to fucking kill myself.” -Jeff
“Lot of pressure for this next battle. ” -Moses
The battle with the pressure is Nate Welch versus Austin Nasso. Nate is brought out first and asked why he’s battling Austin.
“I’m a poor white, he’s a pretentious white. I’m from the trailer park, but he’s trash.”
Austin comes out next sporting a bald cap and doing an impression of Nate, which Nate does not seem thrilled about.
“Why are you batting- Why are you Nate Welch?” -Moses
“Bro, I heard someone’s trying to take my place bro, that’s whats up.”
“Nate Welch! Nate Welch! Let’s roast” -Moses
“That ain’t Nate Welch. That’s Austin, he’s a basic white bitch who thought Hennessy was a state.”
“Alright, alright. Yo, Nate looks like he broke up with his girlfriend when he found out they wasn’t related.”
“Austin works at Microsoft. He needs to quit developing websites and start developing his own personality.”
“Alright Walter White Supremacist. Nate looks like the only class he passed in school was American History X.”
“Make some noise for the Dave Matthews Bland.”
“Nate lost almost everything in Hurricane Katrina. The only thing he didn’t lose is weight.”
“You look like you got your eyebrows from a hippy bitch’s armpits.”
“This is Nate Welch, this is the other Nate Welch.” -Moses
“No, it isn’t. Take that shit off your head.” -Nate
It becomes clear that Nate’s annoyance was more genuine than playful as he attempts to remove Austin’s bald cap, ripping off half of it. He is admonished because there is no physical contact in roast battle, but it is accepted as a mistake and perhaps not knowing the rule.
“Nate, I love you man, you’re wild. Jokes were ehh, but facial reactions were great.” -Omid
“What are you judging on?” -Moses
“His reaction! I’m judging on the joke that he heard and it went through his head, then he shook his head distinctively and then he went pssht. I’m judging on that, because that was great. You were like, ‘no I’m not accepting these jokes.’ I give it to you bro.” -Omid
“When you decided to become the other gentleman today or several days ago, at what point did you decide to add more eyebrows? Because more than he has a shaved head, you have obnoxious eyebrows.” -Tony
“It’s a flex, he can grow more eyebrows that you can hair.” -Nicole
“It’s a shitty flex.” -Nate
Nate gets another scolding for physical contact, which he seems remorseful for. I for one, think Austin should have to apologize too because, and this is just my opinion, it’s a bitch ass move to dress like your opponent and do an impression of him. Nate wrote jokes about Austin, and those jokes don’t work as well when Austin doesn’t look or sound like Austin. That kind of move really can tank all of your opponents jokes just to get you one extra laugh, which just makes the battle worse overall. I’d want to be told ahead of time if my opponent was planning on doing the roast battle in character so that I could say “no, I hate you”. But that’s just my opinion. Maybe some of the audience felt the same because despite Austin getting some bigger laughs, Nate handily won the audience vote, and took home a victory.
The next battle is announced with great excitement from the judges, Los Digits versus Tokyo Kuntpunch. For this portion of the recap, “jaja” or “jajaja” indicate that Digits laughed Mexicanly at his own joke.
Tokyo Kuntpunch is brought up first and asked why she’s battling.
“I’m a sex worker, he’s a sex trafficker. I’m just doing this for the girls locked up in his basement” -Tokyo
“It’s true, but he’s the sex traffic king!” -Moses
Digits comes up next, with a bandana covering his face, then removes the bandana and says:
“I’m Digit’s baby brother Gidget!”
Then the real Digits comes out from the back door, revealing that the man with the bandana is not Digits at all, but actually a smaller man. The crowd goes wild.
“Digits, you’re a music fan, Gary Clark Jr. his here tonight.” -Jeff (this is a true statement)
“Hey, what’s up boi? Let’s get going, Clark Kent’s in the house, jajaja” -Digits
“Why does Digits pace after every joke, like he’s Chris Rock in Madison Square Garden? It’s just the belly room” -Tony
“Don’t make me Kill Tony, fool” -Digits
It’s important to know that, after everything Digits says the crowd is erupting with laughter. There’s much more to the performance than the words he says, I’d recommend seeing it live. Moses asks Digits why he’s battling Tokyo Kuntpunch.
“She’s Tokyo Kuntpunch and I want to be fucking Digits Dickslap. I wanna dick slap that sheeet. Naw, I’m here dawg because I hear she’s a hooker fool. I’m here to fucking mythbust that shit. I told her, I’d give her $40, she said no. Fuck this bitch dog, she’s a fake hoe.”
“Digits is doing all his roast jokes before the battle even begins” -Tony
“jaja What roast jokes?” -Digits
Digits volunteers to go first and the battle is underway.
“Yo, Tokyo is a hooker, jajaja. Yo, she’s got a dude that she fucks that’s an old white fat married guy. She calls him low sugar daddy… diabetic.”
“The only digits he’s getting is license plate numbers at the car wash.”
“Digits lives for roast battle because he thinks it’s a free meal”
“Thank you Sia Wallace. She’s no Mia Wallace, we’ll see ya, fuck this bitch. Tokyo is an old lady, she’s like 38 or some shit, right. She’s so old and she’s a fucking whore, that if you bang her, her favorite sex position is going to be feeding the cats.”
“Yo, you would be cute if you had complete facial reconstruction, then I would consider fucking you for money”
“I only pay with pesos, jaja.”
“I don’t take pesos. He has a dick that’s just perfect for taking it in the ass. It’s small, thin, you know? At least, that’s what I heard from Tony Hinchcliffe, who attends all his roast battles.”
“Thank you Tony, thank you for coming out to all those roast battles. I know you’re not booked in other rooms, but still. You get it too foo. Tokyo is so old and racist…”
“How old and racist is she?” -Moses
“She’s so old and racist, she once called the cops with morse code on a black guy” *act out with sound effects* “doo doo doo, doo doo doo. Hurry up!”
“You look like you tried to give head one time and you got smacked for not paying attention.”
“Grow some tits!”
“Digits wears a mustache, so a girl can have something to ride on. Oooohhhhhh!”
“New rule: you can’t ooohhh after your own jokes.” -Moses
“I feel chemistry between you two.” -Jeff
“I failed chemistry, fool.” -Digits
“I feel like this started on the corner when he was trying to sell drugs, and she was trying to sell her pussy. Fighting over the same corner, then he was like, I’ll pay you 40 bucks, and she was like no. He was like, I’ll pay you 20 bucks, and she was like, ok. Because really she would’ve taken 10.” -Nicole
“You’ve had a lot of wine.” -Digits
“All the big intro build up, and he goes with Gidget for his joke. Clearly it should have been Fidgets.” -Jeff
“Everything after that was fantastic” -Jeff
“This was a beautiful battle, two of my favorite characters from the video game Grand Theft Auto. I’m going to do something special that I haven’t done in the six years you’ve been doing this. Not only, am I going to say that Digits won, but he has three or four more punchlines than everyone. He’s got this physical aspect, he’s in the zone, he’s controlling the stage. He’s a great in his prime. Not only did Digits win, but Digits deserves an immediate shot at the title for all of Roast Battle.” -Tony
Tokyo didn’t really hit much, but it didn’t matter. Digits looked unbeatable, and his opponents’ jokes seem like they’re just there to set him up to say something hilarious in reply. Digits easily takes the judge and audience vote, and continues his path of destruction.
Tony brings up his title shot again. The immediate reply is that Digits can get in the back of a long line of people waiting to roast battle for the title. There’s deliberation over whether Digits or one of the others should get the title shot until some random guy in the audience yells out, “let’s go, next battle, next battle” and everyone just listens to him. Way to go, guy. That’s the kind of entitled behavior women complain about, but damn if it doesn’t get shit done.
Following the spectacle of a Digits roast is always tough, but Alice Hamilton and Ahmed Al-Kadri are just the folks to do it. Well, they do a pretty good job of it. Alice is brought up first and Moses asks her a question, but I can’t remember what it was.
“He told me if I didn’t battle him, he’d shoot up another gay club.”
Ahmed is brought up next and asked the same question that eludes me.
“She’s one of my best friends. Honestly, I just want to win our bet, she’d look so hot with a hijab on.”
The pre-battle banter is spicy and the crowd is ready for a show. Alice volunteers to go first.
“Ahmed comes from a very traditional Muslim family. He’s going to have an arranged marriage to a goat.”
“Good one, Zooey Deschanel in blackface. Good one. Alice is a beautiful black woman. I mean, she’s almost as attractive as an average looking white girl.”
“Ahmed is so insecure about his sexuality, every time he rapes a woman, he has to say ‘no homo’ first.”
“Huh? Sorry, I was distracted by your big tits, I’m so sorry. Unlike your ass, they be growing. Alice has a white boyfriend and she’s a nanny/housekeeper for an all white family. Alice, you’re in the sunken place. *turns his phone flashlight on and points it in her face* Get out. Get out!”
This joke falls pretty flat and then Ahmed tried to start a “Get out!” chant, which is met with disdain.
“Thank you Osama bin Fuckboy. Ahmed was five years old when 9/11 happened. Which makes his involvement all the more impressive.”
“Ouch, that was just racist. Come on, seriously if I had a dollar for every racist comment Alice has said to me, I could afford a plantation.”
“Happy white guilt month everybody” -Moses
“I thought Ahmed was absolutely terrible, just awful. And I mean that in the least nicest way possible. No, I’m just kidding.” -Jeff
“I thought the joke about him being five and involved in 9/11 was really great.” -Nicole
“It was great. I think they were proof of why Trump’s going to win another four years in office.” -Tony
“He’s in town, did you see him, Jamar?” -Moses
“Where did you see him at, Jamar?” -Tony
Both battlers do well, but Alice is the clear victor. Ahmed really shot himself in the foot because not only did his missteps not get laughs, they also caused the audience to hate him, and forget the times he made them laugh. Alice hit consistently and the crowd never once hated her guts. She handily takes the audience and judge’s votes.
Up next is the main event featuring two of Roast Battle’s best, Ashley Johnson versus Greg Roque.
Greg is brought up first and asked why he’s battling Ashley.
“Because he has a girl’s name.”
The silly, quick reply juxtaposed against all the harsh meanness of the evening gets a big pop and the crowd seems reenergized. Ashley comes out next and is asked why he’s battling.
“Greg’s got a lot of weird skeletons in his closet. I did some deep diving on him, and, um, let’s talk about some shit.”
Ashley goes with a different strategy, seductively tantalizing the audience like a fucking tease. They’re idiots, they bite. Ashley volunteers to go first, while Greg is left to ponder what secrets are about to be shouted out for the world.
“Greg was making fun of my name. Greg’s real name isn’t even Greg. Imagine being such a shitty writer, the best name you can come up with is Greg?! You broke your back, not your imagination, you crippled fuck.”
“It’s my middle name. Ashley spends a lot of time at the ice house. Not the comedy club, the shitty apartment where he smokes meth.”
“Court documents describe Greg’s accident as horse play, but let’s be honest. If he was a horse, they would’ve shot him.”
“I’m a horse cause I’m hung. Why do you think I’m in this chair, man?”
“It doesn’t count if it’s soft, you’re just pushing rope into them.”
“I got spasms, it’ll vibrate too. Look, the point I’m trying to make is Ashley’s a racist cokehead who doesn’t do needle stuff. Which explains why he loves white powder, but he hates black tar.”
“Greg won [amount redacted by Greg’s Jew lawyer] dollars after he got suplexed at track practice one day. Making him both the shittiest and highest paid backyard wrestler of all time.”
“I mean that’s not really much of an insult is it. Anyway, Ashley’s such a creepy hipster that the LAPD has his rape accusations on record, but he prefers them on vinyl.”
“Girls feel safe around Greg because he can’t rape them, along with a long list of other shit he can’t physically do. Greg calls me a racist, but every time I think of a little black girl in Long Beach who can’t get an iPad from school. I just think she can’t get it because they’re still paying off Greg’s famous Summer Slam of ’06. Who’s the real monster, man? You, obviously. You’re a horrible monster with wheels for legs.”
“Summers Slam” chant is short lived before Jeff half heartedly throws out a “Wheels for legs” chant that is similarly fated.
“Wheel lives matter. Ashley is a white guy from the South, but he hangs around a lot of black people from the hood. Except when he puts on his white hood, he prefers black people hanging around him.”
“It’s a barbecue, what are you gonna do?”
“Barbecue’s a weird word for a cross burning.”
“Can you cook hot dogs on it or not? Greg grew up a devout catholic. It must suck to get fucked by a priest and God.”
“Speaking of religion, Ashley’s dad is a gay priest, or just a priest. No one in town suspected Ashley’s dad was gay because he kept telling everyone, ‘I’m fucking this bitch named Ashley’.”
“It’s a good cover, got me through a lot of years.”
“Ashley, you are a man. An able bodied man.” -Moses
“That was funny and vicious.” -Jeff
“You guys were like running up a hill and Ashley could make it to the top” -Omid
“Greg did you really win [amount redacted by Greg’s jew lawyer] dollars?” -Nicole
“I’m supposed to like not talk about it, but.” -Greg
“You know I’ve always had a crush on you?” -Nicole
“Give him a lap dance” -Jamar
“Ashley, fuck you dug deep. How much did you have to hate this poor crippled man? Also, I’ve heard rumors about you, Ashley has a monster cock you guys. I don’t know who I have a crush on more right now, monster cock or rich cock” -Nicole
“Great battle, congratulations. These are two of my favorite characters from the video grand theft auto. And my favorite character from the video game, Mario Kart. That guy beat your ass tonight, life is a motherfucker, especially for you.” -Tony
“I’m going to go cry in my pile of money” -Greg
“This was a very revealing battle” -Jeff
“Yeah, Ashley really fucked me over tonight.” -Greg
Both battlers are heavily praised, they both came with strong jokes, but Ashley’s researching paid off and the left turns kept rocking the crowd with huge laughs. Greg is one of the best battlers, but so is Ashley and Ashley came with his absolute best and was the clear winner, sweeping the judge’s votes and taking victory.